The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
June 5th, 2008 • Issue 6
Sixth Issue Relies on Guest Writers
For the sixth issue of Unsignpost, guest writers from outside the fold have been chosen to write a bunch of stupid crap. Among them are the illiterate administrator Zombiebaron and reformed drug mule ThePaleOne. The community's outcries were heard soon afterwards, probably.
Jack Phoenix, a respected Wikia staff member, said of one of the articles "Nobody cares about Cajek trolling Wookiepedia anymore. In fact, I'm kind of ashamed of Uncyclopedia for doing something like this. It's like I'm at a well-written version of ED." The Unsignpost staff, full of miscreants and malcontents, hung its collective head in shame and went to the corner for a sit down.
Qua, who wanted to be in this issue of Unsignpost to whore his userpage, issued a statement at the press conference located at his Mayan temple: "Why didn't they do an injoke article on the fifth issue? Am I the only one who cares? Where have the lols gone, my friends? Where have the lols gone?" In response, the Unsignpost sent a secret "Fifth Issue Of Unsignpost" article directly to Qua, where it will be housed until his death.
The Unsignpost writers, who have had a cut in pay since the leaving of Dr. Skullthumper, are now relying on the work of random people found on IRC for their inspiration. We now present to you an article in the Unsignpost by somebody else about a guy who works at the Unsignpost...
/me headdesk [note: "me" refers to the entire Unsignpost staff]
It has been reported on #uncyclopedia that Cajek, our resident editor, has been banned from the "Star Wars Wiki", Wookieepedia. There has been an outrage in the star wars community, as they find Cajek to be a charming and respectable fellow [ed note: Cajek did NOT write this!]. Even us here at the the UnSignPost believe so, ( but don't tell Cajek that! ) [ed note: I SAW THAT! YOU'RE OFF THE CASE!]
I spoke to one Cajek fan, Darth Vader, to see what kind of impact this has had on the community. "It really is tragic to see him get banned," said a distraught Vader, with tears dripping from his helmet, "I just don't understand it! How can there be no Cajek?! We've seen his greatest and sometimes his somewhat lameness. But we will be EPIC FAIL without him" Vader's emotionally wrecked state shows the devastation caused by the Wookieepedia senate's unruly vote. I just hope Palpatine wasn't behind this, I voted for him too!
I sat down with another fan, Jar Jar Binks, to discuss this radical move. "Mesa think its outrageous! Mesa no like Wookieepedia afta this! This beein worse than <insert name here>'s bombad faggotry!" And indeed it is. Personally, I denounce the Leftist Bias of Wookieepedia and their slander against Cajek. What did he ever do to them right? Personally, I hope Something really bad happens to those immature, pubescent, oxycotin sniffing children. In other news, 52% of Uncyclopedia agrees that Cajek should be set on fire on Sunday's Luau against 45% for drowned in his own discharge. 3% were undecided.
Alright. So. This is going to be cool. Because. You see. Therefore. Once upon a time. There was this really big house. Inside the house was a monster. Oh. This is a newspaper. Well, in that case, the monster was operating a grow op. Right. And the monster was named Skullthumper (because this is his fault, really, when you deconstruct it down to the last proton). Yeah!!!! But. Going onwards and upwards. The cops busted the grow op. It was fucking huge, man. THIS IS NEWS. IN THE UNSIGNPOST.
Check out these pages!
Unprovise: Content free content anybody can edit on the content free website anybody can edit, now with extra do-whatever-the-hell-you-want.
01:36, June 1, 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You're still at the stage where you afflict pain on the girl you secretly like, aren't you?)
06:03, May 31, 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah BATMAN!)
18:16, May 31, 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Don't do that to Zombiebaron!)
19:25, May 31, 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Don't do that to Dr. Skullthumper!)
19:47, May 31, 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 9000 seconds (Don't do that to TKF!)
May "Of the Month" Award Winners
Dr. Skullthumper ~ WotM ~ Oh! Gee! Right when he wins Writer of the fucking Month (WotfM), he abandons us! Well, *sniff*, good riddens! GO THUMP SOMEONE ELSE'S SKULL, THEN! *sniff* SEE IF I CARE! Cheapinitreal ~ NotM ~ Someone who indulges in Kitty Porn was BOUND to win best new contributor. We at Unsignpost are especially proud of this little noob, someone who will follow recent up-and-comers such as NoTimeToRevert and Beatboxing Jim. Heerenveen ~ UotM ~ Every nerd deserves his/her day in the sun. That day, and that sun, belong to "Hv". You will see him scampering around, voting, deleting, and peeing. Say hi to him once in a while, dammit! Sawblade5 ~ Ugotm ~ Sawblade5 is best described as a person obsessed with Gobshite of the month. Ever since this writer can remember, Sawblade5 (but not his younger brothers, Sawblade3 or 2) has been nominating users for banning or gobshiting. Finally, the gobshite queen has been crowned!
UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"ivver sin a cuddy lowp a yat?" ~ Now we're moving into the realms of supremely useful English. The delightfulCumbrians use this regularly to ask each other "ever seen a donkey jump a gate?" I think you'll agree, there is hardly a conversation that goes by where this expression wouldn't come in handy!
Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But don't worry, Qua (Uncyclopedia's shittiest n00b) and half of YTTE have taken over UnSignpost, well...until Cajek gets unbanned.
Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment."
It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar.
One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies."
127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow.
We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content CLUSTER FUCK Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China.
We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall.
This column has been blocked by Websense. Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".
Finals approach for student-Uncyclopedians, procrastination triples
Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here.
However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs.
However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need:
Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter.
Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right.
English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD.
Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A.
Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh.
Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A.
Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN!
Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now.
An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives.
"Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?"
"Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles.
Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.]
Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..."
The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are.
Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY.
09:42, 5 June 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Bringing Uncyclopedia in to disrepute (or even further into? whatever.))
15:33, 5 June 2008 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days (time served already.....reduced sentence)
13:42, 4 June 2008, TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, you're too dumb to edit this wiki. You can come back when you grow a brain.)
12:35, 4 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 47 seconds (ZOMG LINKIN' SHOCK BANBANBANBANBAN)
03:55, June 10, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (TAGLOG MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK TAGLOG?!)
20:07, June 10, 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Are you ban hunting or something?)
05:56, June 11, 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (You fail at funny. Read HTBFANJS. Slowly. Then copy it out 100 times in longhand and maybe, *maybe* I'll let you edit here again.))
Biopic of the Week
127.0.0.1 ~ Quite possibly the greatest IP that has ever lived. He is literally everywhere at once. He is in your computer, destroying it bit by bit. He is in your living room, eating your Flamin' Hot Cheetos. He is in your bedroom possibly getting laid. He is in every room you could possibly think of. All Hail 127.0.0.1!!!
UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"Can-in-the-pan" ~ Showcasing the unerring ability of the British to come up with expressions that bear no connection whatsoever to the item or act they're describing, this is used by the Cornish to refer to a somersault. A small template glorious prize is on offer to the person who comes up with the best suggestion as to why. Answers on a postcard to UU's talk page.
Page Quote of the Week:
Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the PresidentWarren Commission
Best New Article of the Week:
That Guy Standing Behind You with the Freakin' Huge Chainsaw, no words can sum up how incredibly good this article is. It tells this story about a guy who wasn't cared for who started chopping things up with a chainsaw. Sure some critics are skeptical but we at the UnSignpost think this is the best new article yet. Well until it gets deleted of course.
Article of the week:
That one written by Cajek all the way at the bottom was pretty damn good. I love articles that have references to sex in 'em. I don't have much to do in this trailer, and when I see a reference to sex it's like my pants fly. off. It's okay, the cats don't understand what's going on. Well, the dogs and the chimp may understand but they're not complainin'. Nope, reading Uncyclopedia articles gets me too hot to care about social constraints.
Uncyclopedia's popular newspaper/tacky tabloid rag (delete according to preference) the UnSignpost - already floundering following the loss of founding editor Dr. Skullthumper - has been dealt another, possibly fatal blow, with the news that popular feature-machine and international diplomat Cajek has not been arsed to edit the latest issue. When thursday June 19th dawned without the by-now-traditional UnSignpost dropping onto their talkpages, Unycylopedians everywhere could be heard bravely dealing with the incident by pretending they hadn't noticed. We asked prominent Uncyc contributors for their reactions to the journalistic crisis facing their favourite wiki-based news delivery system. "SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON.... SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON!" said Don Leddy, obviously coping badly with the news.
Sensing a possible catastrophe, DJ Irreverent bravely leaped into the breach and created a forum topic that galvanised the community, while UU declared himself too busy to help, then promptly wrote about half of the paper. While still suffering from writer's block, which explains the total lack of lulz and inspiration thus far. It's probably about time to link to nobody cares and close this story now, isn't it?
Donald Trump, the man, the legend, the Tower, the hairstyle, has taken time out of his busy international schedule to create a forum topic promising affluence beyond the dreams of avarice to all on Uncyclopedia! Despite the impeccable credentials displayed on his userpage, so far only Qua and SysRq managed to take advantage of the popular billionaire's altruism before he was ruthlessly banned by noted anti-capitalist Codeine. UnSignpost was particularly impressed with Codeine's ability to resist the temptation to use "you're fired" as a block reason, as we are sure it would have been all but overwhelming.
It is to be hoped that, on his return from bannination, Mr Trump will use his undoubted wealth and business connections to help Uncyc beat the ever-encroaching threat of Wikia's advertising plans.
Popular recent NotM winner Cheapinitreal has further embarrassed the Uncyclopedia community by becoming all respectable and getting married. Confessing to his transgression, Cheap added "all and all, it was a right fine week". The UnSignpost would like to write something really funny here, then wish Cheap all the best, but this issue is being rushed out as it's, like, way late, so we just don't have time.
In a move heralded as "an exciting development in journalism" by guest editor UU, the UnSignpost today employed blatant flannel to fill an annoying white gap at the bottom of the page. It is believed that this is the first such instance of using blatant rubbish to fill a newspaper page in journalistic history. "I'm proud to be at the vanguard of such a groundbreaking technique" said UU, before going off to scour Cajek's ideas page in a desperate hunt for inspiration. "Is this long enough yet?" he added, before concluding "not quite, another few words or so should do the trick".
13:12, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You will be better appreciated at that cheap whorehouse down the road. Take the third left)
21:59, 17 June 2008 Hinoa (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (UN:VAIN: It's what's for [INSERT GENERIC MEAL HERE])
09:07, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Budha says: Blanking shall not lead you to enlightment. Write funny articles, my friend, and be happy)
04:59, 16 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 day (No no. When was that last time YOU had a really big solid shit?)
01:35, 15 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You know, you're probably the dumbest person I've ever seen. That's saying a lot, you know. You should be proud.)
17:57, 13 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Banning Italy, one IP at a time.)
UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"I wanna new wicker wacker" ~ Discerning Uncyclopedians finding themselves in the heart of Liverpool, but worryingly badly dressed, should fret no more - this handy phrase allows them to ask "can I have a new suit please sir?" like a native. It's anyone's guess as to what they'll end up clad in though.
Recently. Uncyclopedia, in its maternal state. Is running out of interesting stuff as most users keep filling her with the same old stuff day after day. Most if not almost all of the staff at the UnSignpost panicked as this meant that their newspaper, which faced the threat of disabondement yesterday. Could be folded by the Uncyclopedia Cabal (there is no cabal) itself. Cajek, the UnSignpost's co-founder, commented on the shortage of interesting stuff saying "...". Mostly this is a time of crisis for the UnSignpost which has been falling into a state of crisis for a while now. and we need you to help. All you have to do is send money to the UnSignpost offices. And please, refer freinds to do the same please! We need it more then you.
At exactly 12:29 AM Monday morning, some local idiot decided that it would be a great day to stir up drama and piss people off with some long forgotten shit. And with that, Penis Man made his way back to our great Uncyclopedia with the intent of vandalizing Boomer's userpage. Soon after, the Town drunk Eugene Kay decided to follow suit by uploading the same image by the name of Zombiepenis. Why he decided to make such an apparent strike at the admin who has beat him so much is currently unknown. We at UnSignpost give them both a 25000000:1 chance of being banned.
In a recent devil-related press conference. Cartoon Diablo, the younger and sillier version of Diablo. Has started up The Devil's Wiki, a wiki dedicated to worship of Satanism and The Devil itself. In a recent interview, Cartoon Diablo has said personally that "The wiki's going to contain a lot about the devil, no seriously. There's going to be articles about the caverns of hell, the kind of foods the devil eats and also various artworks done by the Devil himself. And if your asking if it's going to be great. Well... Yeah!, It's going to be satantastic!". Immediately after this was posted on the UnSignpost, 2 people have joined the satanic wiki. The 2 people are described to be a Himilianian Yettie and an Male Amish Human. Both of them have pledged their allegiance to the devil in return for absolute power. In today's weather report, make sure to bring an umbrella as Hell may be raining over within the next few days.
Interestingly enough, lots of new noobs (and old noobs) are getting featured articles these days. Somehow, the cult of the newbs has awoken, and Uncyc has felt its presence link to Double Entendre. Oh... did I say that out loud?
"I don't trust the young 'uns," said Farmer O'Dell at his grain silo, "They write funny articles, yeah, but what do they contribute to the community?" Actually, writers like Hyperbole, Cheapinitreal, and The Woodburninator have stepped up, and are already commanders. Except that last one, who is close enough. Big time contributors like YesTimeToEdit, Qua, and Orian57 are cleaning up this pig sty. Older members of uncyc have become less active, and are paving the way for these rising stars to shine.
Uh, speaking as myself? I've never been more proud of Uncyclopedia than I have in the last month or so. Keep it up, guys!
06:21, 22 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked .cx (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Oh for fuck's sake)
05:30, 22 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Dunquin (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (The Irishg defence forces are a bunch of wankers who were dominated by the brits who are even greater wankers. They eat potatos, drink guinness and fight imaginery wars)
03:42, 22 June 2008 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games. )
12:42, 21 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I wonder if you realize just how easy your name makes it for me to permaban you...)
07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.)
08:48, 20 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Bl4nker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (LOL YOU BLANKED SOMETHING THAS SO FUNNIES. Now fuck off, eh?)
18:54 . . Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 with an expiry time of 1 week: (No, Pete Doherty is a talentless junkie cunt. Deal with it.)
14:59, June 25, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked KBD5196 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I hope this ban log gets featured in the UnSignpost. Also, you are a wanking blanker. Or a blanking wanker. Whichever.)
Gripe of the Week
MantiBot, Yes a bot, this bot has been going around causing terrorism to articles in the form of interlinking. Not only does he support terrorism, he also supports the de-opping of TheLedBalloon who has been known to hate every foreign country that's not America on the Planet. What's worse, he isn't even properly marked as a bot. FU Mantiwhore!
"Listen, here's the story: The other night I saw Jackass the Movie 2 and they extracted sperm from a horse so one of the dudes could drink it. It was that moment when I realized how little I know about nature, or rather, animals and their private parts. You see, it turns out horsies have big ol' peepees, and the first picture I expertly designed was actually close to the reality, and I needed to start from scratch on a new picture. The result of that is what you see on the right, the one with the bigger censored penis." -So So