UnScripts talk:Michael Bay's The Godfather

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Pee Review

Humour: 6.5 When it's good, it's good; it made me laugh out loud a couple of times, which is notable. When it's not-so-good, however, it's really awkward. For instance, the opening speech by Buonasera is great. When you are intentionally going for the awkward plot exposition? That's not so great. I know what you were attempting, but it doesn't translate to paper very well.

Also, Shia LeBouf is your Michael. Use that! I assume that you've seen at least one of his recent movies - he's been in a few - and he basically does the same thing: act tough, and then scream like a girl for comic effect when the situation becomes dangerous. Then, about halfway through the movie, he starts taking himself WAY too seriously. By the end of the movie, the entire CAST is taking it way too seriously, and that includes Steve Buscemi, who never seems to take anything too seriously. I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: you have given yourself a cast built for comedy; use them. Tailor the script for their personalities. I realize that this is not how screenwriting works, but I think that we can afford a few anachronisms in the name of comedy, no?

Finally Scene 7, as a whole, is just awkward and tedious. Nowhere else in the script do you glaze over important plot points for the sake of action. Play out the fact that he must leave the country, and play out the gang war that he has begun for a little bit. That should give you the action that you're seeking there.

Concept: 8 I love "The Godfather," and Michael Bay's movies make my soul cringe. I was drawn to this like a teenager to, well, a Michael Bay movie.
Prose and formatting: 5.5 The nature of this article makes the flow of the language especially difficult to begin with, and that is understandable. On the plus side, I should say that, grammatically, there's nothing egregiously wrong with it; at least, I felt that whatever grammatical errors existed could be written off as stylistic choices.

The overall format, however, can use some improvement. Instead of making each scene a separate chapter in the ToC, try making each scene a sub-chapter under a main chapter called "The Movie," "The Plot," or whatever it is you so choose. This will take away all of the lines that separate the scenes, while continuing to divide the article up just as effectively.

As a last note, the action text is far too small. I understand that you're trying to delineate between action and dialogue, but I have 20/20 vision and I can barely read that at times.

Images: 7 There's only one image, but I really enjoy it. My only real criticism of it is that it could have a better (read: wittier) Michael Bay quote.
Miscellaneous: 7 Making fun of Michael Bay just makes me smile.
Final Score: 34 This article definitely has potential, but it's still rough around the edges. Clean up the format, get rid of the most awkward dialogue, and you could have a real winner on your hands, ere long.
Reviewer: Sir Judgement F@H UmP VFH {talk} 21:21, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
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