UnScripts:steal Bank Customer Service training video

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:'''Candy''': I can't feel my fingertips-
 
:'''Candy''': I can't feel my fingertips-
[[Image:Mona Awad 2.jpg|thumb|right|300px|<span style="color:#800; font-family:'Times New Roman',Georgia,Serif;">Absolutely perfect for the role. I'm definitely going to have to hold onto her CV for a while.]]
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[[Image:Mona Awad 2.jpg|thumb|right|300px|<span style="color:#800; font-family:'Times New Roman',Georgia,Serif;">Absolutely perfect for the role. I'm definitely going to have to hold onto her CV for a while.</span>]]
 
:'''Greg''': And of course the final "C" is for character. Now you're sitting in front of me, only a short step away from living on the street, your new marriage won't be able to take the strain of your husband losing his job, and you won't be able to afford the chocolate that has made you as fat as you are, so in your despair you'll take to heroin. So you're sitting in front of me, a potential homeless, divorcee junkie, and you want me to give you a home loan?
 
:'''Greg''': And of course the final "C" is for character. Now you're sitting in front of me, only a short step away from living on the street, your new marriage won't be able to take the strain of your husband losing his job, and you won't be able to afford the chocolate that has made you as fat as you are, so in your despair you'll take to heroin. So you're sitting in front of me, a potential homeless, divorcee junkie, and you want me to give you a home loan?
   

Revision as of 02:13, October 8, 2009

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Bank-manager
I've taken a few photos of what I'm envisioning here... This office is perfect for Greg's office. It sets the right tone of superiority, security, and makes it look like the guy on the other side needs to have his head extracted from his anus. Or whatever anus it's in at the time.

In the modern and bustling corporate environment staff have very little time to sit through long training sessions and practise role-plays ad infinitum. We also have very little time to train a cadre of highly skilled and motivational trainers. So here at  steal [1] we have instituted the latest in technology to be able train multiple staff. That's right, we have written a script and wandered around with a video camera encouraging staff to act out roles in the script for the purposes of our training video, which staff can watch in the comfort of their own home.

That's right! We're so generous to our staff that we allow them to do training without losing any of their valuable work hours. Here is one of a long line of scripts that we have developed for this purpose, and we will allow you to use it in your own corporate workplace[2]

Director: Pepé N d'Radio
I can't believe they convinced me to direct this crap. I'll make a few notes on this copy of the script, but whatever you do Norma, don't let this fall into the anyone's hand except yours or mine. Oh, and remind me never to work for a bank again.
Director's aide: Norma Lusage

Lending Application

SETTING: Bank, in the middle of the day. The sun is shining, the main floor is clean and shiny, and there are no customers waiting in queue. All the bank staff are happy, bright and cheerful, and there is nothing to bring you down.

Norma, in order to do this we can get some of the prettier looking bank staff in to work as actors. We'll do it on a weekend to ensure that there are no real customers, otherwise we'll have a queue out the door, and we'll hire a professional cleaning crew beforehand. Oh, and buy half a dozen packets of caffeine tablets for the crew. And half a dozen for me while you're there.
Girl from apprentice
Now this girl is perfect for what I'm looking for in regards to the narrator. She's attractive without being slutty, and looks good in a suit. Of course she's also as dumb as a dead dog, and looks like she's been sucking on grapefruit when the wind changed.
Narrator: It's a typical day in a suburban  steal [1] branch. Candy, our gorgeous young customer, has recently been married and is wanting to know what she can do to secure herself a strong financial future. Lucky for her, Greg, our friendly bank manager, is more than happy to help.
Candy: (bright and chirpy) Hi there, I'm Candy. I was just wanting to know what you could tell me about your home loans.
Greg: (Sinister and evil) Of course, I would love to help you. Please, have a seat at my desk. Not on this side, where the high backed, comfortable chair with the built in massager and the leather finish. Over there, or the ex high school surplus hard plastic chairs with the cold metal armrests and that horrible pokey bit in your back that you'll only realise that is there once half of your body is paralysed permanently.
Narrator: Oh no Greg, that's not how we greet our customers. Although we treat them poorly in actuality, we need to pretend that we are just here to help them get what they want sooner. Let's try that again, but this time the way it should be done.
Candy: (bright and chirpy) Hi there, I'm Candy. I was just wanting to know what you could tell me about your home loans.
Greg: (also bright and chirpy) Of course, please, make yourself comfortable. My name is Greg. Would you like a cup of coffee[3] or tea[4]while we discuss this at all?
Candy: No, thank you. I was really after some information today
Greg: Fantastic, I would love to give you all the information you need, and then about 10 times more. But before I do that, I'd just like to get to know a few things about yourself.
Narrator: And here we come to lesson 1 in our series of  steal [1] educational videos. The abundance of information rule. Remember that your customer usually knows nothing about banking, how interest works, what an amortising line of credit is. In fact, your first home buyer has not had the opportunity to learn anything. The more information that you give them, the more confused they will be. When you then say to them "This is the right loan for you" they'll be so grateful that you've saved them from all this confusion that they'll sign anything.
Guy from apprentice
Now this guy looks perfect for the role of Greg. I don't know what it is, but something about him just screams out "Bank Manager." Or Mafia boss. Or maybe both?
Greg: I hope you don't mind if I take notes while I'm talking. So firstly Candy, can I have your full name please?
Candy: Candy, and my married name is Fault.
Greg: Oh really, how long have you been married?
Candy: I got married back only three months ago.
Greg: Congratulations. Where is your husband?
Most believable part of this script so far Norma. The bank manager doesn't want to talk to the "little woman", he wants someone with balls to talk to. After all, according to most bank managers only men with balls know how to deal with money.
Candy: He's at work at the moment. He's an mechanic.
Greg: Oh really, and how long has he been doing that for?
Candy: It's his third year.
Greg: And are you working at the moment?
Candy: No. We decided that it was better for me to finish Uni before I tried to find a job.
Greg: Okay, and do you have anything saved towards buying a home at the moment.
Narrator: Now it is very important to note exactly what Greg has done here. Firstly he's put Candy at ease by asking her some very basic "getting to know you" questions. These questions give Greg information upon which he can make some assumptions about Candy's lifestyle, without being too intrusive. This means when he finally does ask about money here, it feels like a natural conversation and Candy would be happy to answer honestly. This is the  steal [1] lesson 2, Get them to drop their guard rule.
Candy: Oh, we've been saving for the past three months.
Greg: Okay! Thanks for all the information there Candy. I think I have enough to go on now. I'm sorry to say that your loan application has been declined.
Candy: (Surprised) But... what... how?
Greg: Well you see Candy, here we work on a simple system called the risk points system, and it works on what we call the five C's. Have you ever heard of these before?
Mona Awad 1
And this is the girl I had in mind for Candy. Her name is Mona... something. She looks like the kind of person who a bank would treat... well, the way they treat everybody really. I also heard that she's looking for work at the moment.
Candy: No.. what are they?
Greg: These are the factors that we take into consideration whenever we look at any loan application. The first of these is capacity, where we work out whether you are capable of meeting the repayments. Now you've told me that your husband has been working as a mechanic for just three years. Now that means that he is an apprentice, and as such will be being paid next to nothing. At the same time you're being a lazy cow and sitting around studying while he is off working his butt off, so his meagre wage will have to stretch to cover the cost of feeding both of you. And I do mean stretch, having a look at your waistline.
Candy: But I -
Greg: Second "C" is capital, where we look at how much you are putting toward the purchase of your home out of your own money. Now we already know that your husband is earning next to nothing and you're sitting there studying and eating chocolate and getting fat, and you probably haven't even finished paying for the wedding that you had a few months ago, so your savings wouldn't even be enough to buy me lunch today.
Candy: Hang on, we -
Greg: Third "C" is collateral, where we determine how much of what you are borrowing is secured by the asset you are buying. In this case you have no money to put down yourself, and despite what the real estate agents are telling you, you house is likely to halve it's value over the next few years. There's a Global Financial Crisis™[5] on you know.
Candy: Look my back is really -
Greg: Oh do be quiet. Haven't you realised yet that I'm much more important and intelligent then you. While we are on the topic of GFC[5] The fourth "C" is conditions. This relates to the security of your job, which you don't have, security of you husband's job, which being a blue collar worker as soon as he is finished his apprenticeship and needs to be paid full wages his boss will give him a don't come Monday and the two of you will be begging on the streets. It also relates to the security of the <insert local currency unit here> which given the GFC has dropped down to a record low, and the security of your property, which, being a first home buyer, you'll probably end up paying twice as much as it's worth anyway as the real estate agent will see you coming.
Candy: I can't feel my fingertips-
Mona Awad 2
Absolutely perfect for the role. I'm definitely going to have to hold onto her CV for a while.
Greg: And of course the final "C" is for character. Now you're sitting in front of me, only a short step away from living on the street, your new marriage won't be able to take the strain of your husband losing his job, and you won't be able to afford the chocolate that has made you as fat as you are, so in your despair you'll take to heroin. So you're sitting in front of me, a potential homeless, divorcee junkie, and you want me to give you a home loan?
Candy: (slurring words) I can't mobe by lefd sideb
Greg: And look, there we are, already on the road to ruin. Now if you'll forgive me I'm just going to call security to have you removed from the premises, so I can stop wasting time with you and get someone in here who actually has money.
Narrator: And there Greg has demonstrated  steal [1] rule number 3, which is possible the most important rule - Always follow the money.
Norma, could you please get my agent on the phone. I think we need a new client. Preferably one that pays better so I can get rid of this blasted mortgage.

Footnotes

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 steal and the  steal ™ logo is a registered trademark of the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666" all rights reserved. For the purposes of our corporate branding at no point should the acronym steal be capitalised. For full details of the allowable uses see the steal branding requirements v1.13.01 01-05-2009
  2. Please note that by the phrase allow you to use that does not in any way indicate that we will be giving permission for you to use this script or any part of this script without express written permission by the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666", which is obtainable upon request and a suitable monetary incentivation changing hands.
  3.  steal ™ coffee blend is guaranteed to be made of 10% Robusta beans and 90% coffee coloured organic matter
  4.  steal ™ tea is guaranteed to be  steal ™ coffee blend with added water
  5. 5.0 5.1 Global Financial Crisis and GFC are registered trademarks of the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666" all rights reserved. These are to bne used as the excuse for any decisions regarding finance, and employment practices for the next 5 years. For full details of the allowable uses see the GFC exuses requirements v6.6.6 01-09-2008
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