UnScripts:Winnie The Pooh's on Drugs Too

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Winnie the Poohs on Drugs Too is a popular sex story written by the mysterious playwright Mummbles. It is intended for audiences ages 14-56 and features Nudity, Sci-fi Violence, Drug use, language and Chuck Norris.

Winnie the Poohs on Drugs Too

Writers

  • Mummbles

Cast

  • Winnie - Scott McCord
  • Eeyore - Peter Sallis
  • Rabbit - Cam Clarke
  • Tigger - Oliver Platt
  • Piglet - Earl Bowen
  • Christopher Robin - Camilla Scott
  • Owl - Ralph Wright
  • Barney - Mary Gibbs
  • Tinly Winky - That Canadian Tire Guy and Bob Marley is not dead hes ya dad
  • Carlos Dalmau-That cool Nigga

Winnie The Pooh's on Drugs Too

ACT I: Chris’ Experiment

The scene opens in Christopher Robins room. On the walls are shelves filled to capacity with stuffed animals including a bear, donkey, tiger etc. A small desk is in a corner and a small bed in another.

Christopher Robin enters the room. Chris is a young white british boy around 8 years old he has brown hair and wears plain clothes. He has a brown paper bag in his right hand and sets it on the desk when entering.

Chris talking to himself: Oh boy! I can’t wait to try these happy mushrooms Tyrone gave me. And he guarantees they’ll work too!

Chris opens the bag and pulls out a shroom. He looks at it gleefully and pops it into his mouth. Several seconds pass nothing happens

Chris irritated: That wanker! Tyrone he ripped me off the bugger.

Suddenly a loud bang is heard. The room shifts into red then turns into orange then yellow, green blue, purple, red and repeats. The color shifting getting faster. Music is heard. It seems to be an odd blend of Deerhoof over Death Cab for Cutie. The stuffed animals float out of their shelves and twirl around Chris moving in pace with the music and light.

It all stops and everything fades into a spacious wooded area.

Chris: Whoa. . . that was messed up. Where the heck am I?

Chris walks around and stumbles upon a fence leading up to a tree. The tree has windows and a door. In the distance behind the fence is what seems to be camo tarps. Chris is perplexed. He goes to the door and knocks.

Knock Knock

Chris: Hello anybody home?

Voice from behind door: Yeah? Whaddya want whitey? Can't yo read deh sign? Is says Keep out!

Chris: Sorry mister its just I ate some weird stuff and now I don’t know how I got here. I’m just trying to find my way out.

Voice: Yeah well. Oh shit. Is de cops. Quick boy. Get in here befoe dey sees you.

The man in the tree opens the door and pulls Chris in. Just then a cop cruiser goes by the tree.

Chris is in the tree he looks around its dimly lit interior. From the ceiling there are plants hanging and on all sides are bags af green plant matter. Chris looks at the man and discovers its not a man at all it’s a Rabbit. The Rabbit is about six feet tall, has a gold R medallion hung from his neck and he has a 9 mil pistol strapped to his waist.

Chris: Wow, You’re a rabbit.

Rabbit: Whadja just call me?

Chris: Rabbit.

Rabbit: Shut it. Dats our word you got no right to use it!

Chris: Sorry. I met no offence.

Rabbit: Yeah fo shizzil whitey.

Chris: So whats your name?

Rabbit: What fo whitey? Are you wired? Are you workin fo de cops?

Chris: No. I swear. I’m just curious why.

Rabbit: Pff names aint impotent. Aw my homies call me Half Dollah. And you? Whats yo name dog?

Chris: Well Half Dollar I’m Chris, Chris Robin.

Rabbit: Whadja doin around dese parts whitey? Are you lost?

Chris: Yes I guess. I’m not sure whats going on really. By the way. What are those camouflage tarps for?

Rabbit: Typical white boy aint got know idea whats goin on. Dos tarps are keepin my weed garden on the down low so the cops won’t know. I tell yo what Chris. My home dog owl is showin up soon. He’s goin to be workin deh west side today. He can gve yo a ride der and den yo can find some people to hang wid. Aight?

Chris: Yeah. Aight.

ACT I SCENE II

Owl has came to the tree and picked up Chris they are now flying in the sky.

Chris: Jeez Mr. Owl it sure was nice to you to pick me up.

Owl: I had to. If I didn’t Half Dollar would kill me.

Chris: Aw c’mon. He cannot be that bad he seems real nice.

Owl: Sure he’s nice to you because you're a little white boy and if you go missing he doesn’t want to be the center of attention. But to us animals and toys he’s hardcore. If you don’t pay his bitches, you become his bitch. And if you refuse to be a bitch, you die. Painfully. Why do you think he has a gun (sarcastically) , because he looks tough with one? Pfft, gimme a break. He probably killed at least 20 people with that. . . today.

Chris: Jeez I had no idea. So how’d you get stuck working for him?

Owl: Oh I was caught stealing weed from his garden. I got off easy. Just a life time of doing the dirty work without pay. Pretty generous considering I could’ve became his man-ho.

Chris: I have a question. How come every animal here is anthropomorphic?

Owl: Hey this is your fantasy, not mine. Okay here’s your stop.

Owl swoops down from the sky and places Chris on the ground.

Owl: Bye kid.

Chris: Bye Mr. Owl it was nice meeting you.

Owl: Same here. . . Oh and kid.

Chris: Yeah.

Owl: Do yourself a favour stay away from the tiger looking guy. He’s messed up.

END OF ACT I

ACT II: The Heroin and the Pantless Bear

The scene opens with Chris in another woody (he, he, woody!) area. Chris has been wandering for a couple minutes and stumbled onto another house in a tree. He walks up and knocks.

Knock Knock

Chris: Hello? Anybody there?

A voice speaks from behind the door. The voice is somewhat high and is very articulate.

Voice: Yes. Come on in friend.

Chris opens the door and peers inside the house. He sees a disorderly array of pots and jars scattered over the room. In the middle is a yellow bear with seams on its arms, black onyx-like eyes and wears a solid red shirt. The bear is rummaging through the room on all fours looking for something.

Chris: Are you all right?

Bear franticly: Do you have it? Do! You! Have! It?!!?

Chris: Have what? I don’t know what you mean.

Bear: Oh dear, where is it?

The bear dives into a jar submersing his whole head into it.

The bears says something incomprehensible from inside the pot.

Chris: What? Do you need help getting the pot off?

The bear says what sounds like a yes

Chris walks over and pulls the pot off the bears head.

Bear: I got to find it.

The Bear picks up apots and throws it against the wall. It shatters and in the shards is a little bag full of a golden brown substance.

Bear: Mine!

The bear runs over to it and opens the bag licks his finger and dips in to the powder. The bear takes his finger and rubs it along his gums. He noticeably calms down.

Bear: What’s your name new friend?

Chris: Christopher Robin. And what’s yours?

Winnie: My name is Winnie The Pooh. But my friends call me Winnie.

Chris: If you don’t mind me asking, why are you called the pooh?

Winnie: My parents they were high when they named me. The is my middle name, Pooh is my last. So what are you doing around these parts Christopher?

Chris: I ate some weird things. Now I don’t know anything anymore.

Winnie: Tell me about it.

Knock Knock

Winnie: Who’s there?

Eeyore: Eeyore.

Winnie: Eeyore who?

Eeyore: Nobody ever lets Eeyore in.

Winnie walks to the door and opens it. Standing outside is a donkey named Eeyore. Eeyore has seems along his sides a pinned on tail and pink blood shot eyes. He talks slowly and is very depressed.

Winnie: Hello Eeyore. How are you doing today?

Eeyore: Its just the worst day of my life. Cause nobody likes Eeyore.

Winnie: Aw poor Eeyore. What happened?

Eeyore: A butterfly pushed down my house. All butterflies hate me.

Winnie: Well I have good news . We have a new friend, Christopher.

Eeyore: Hello.

Chris: Hello, its jolly good to meet you.

Eeyore: Okay.

Chris: So. . Eeyore, what happened to your tail?

Eeyore: It got blown off by a landmine in Vietnam. Those Nazis hate me.

Chris: Wait Nazis weren’t..

Eeyore: Nobody ever believes me.

Winnie: Hey, lets go over to Piglets house he’s about Chris’ age.

Chris: Okay I’m for that.

Eeyore: Sorry, I can’t. I’m going to be busy killing myself not like anybody will notice.

End of ACT II Scene I

Begin ACT II Scene II

The scenes opens looking towards a window from a tree branch. On the tree branch is Tigger, a plush tiger. His tail is springy and when he travels he uses it like a pogo stick. Tigger has binoculars and is looking to the window. A young Piglet walks by the window. The piglet takes off his shirt and while doing this Tiggers face is seen in frame. Off screen a boing is heard. Signaling that Tigger is getting a boner. Then Eeyore climbs up too where Tigger is., he has a rope with him.

Tigger: What are you doing here buddy?

Eeyore: I’m just killing myself.

Tigger: Well give me a minute and I’ll be out of your way.

Camera shifts to ground level. Winnie and Chris walks to Piglets door and knocks.

Knock Knock.

Piglet: Just a m-m-minute. I’m not d- dressed.

Second later Piglet opens the door.

Piglet: Winnie, how n-n-nice of y-you to drop by.

Winnie: Hello Piglet. May we come in.

Piglet: Sure c-come on in.

Inside is filled with typical boyish things. A race car bed, a gamecube, various pokemon stuffed animals. To the right is a window the same window Tigger was looking through. Throught the window, Eeyore can be seen tying a rope around the branch.

Piglet: Who’s this (reffering to Chris)

Winnie: This is Christopher my new friend.

Piglet: Hello ch- ch-ch- ch-ch-ch-ch- Christopher

Chris: Hello

Through the window Eeyore now has a noose around his neck.

Chris: So Piglet, where are your parents?

Piglet sad and angry: Half Dollar killed th-them. When I’m old enough I’m going to k-k-kill him for it.

Outside Eeyore is seen. He has both sides of the rope tied and he jumps. When the rope pulls taught, it snaps. Eeyore limbs are flailing as he drops 30 feet. When he impacts the ground he gets smashed and deep red blood covers the window. Piglet notices.

Piglet: Oh dear.

All three rush out of the house. Tigger is hit by the door when they rush out. He was looking through the mail slot. Piglet gets half way to Eeyores shattered body when a pimped out Firebird hits him. Piglet is ent high over the roof of the car. The car speeds away its license plate says HALF DLLR. Chris rushes over to Piglet and picks him up.

Piglet: Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch

Chris: What?

Piglet: I’m going to d-die.

Chris: No you cannot

Piglet: Promise me.

Chris: What? anything I’ll do it.

Piglet: Kill Half Dollar

Chris: But how

Piglet: Agh. . .

Chris: NOOOO! Piglet dead!

Chris wipes the tears from his eyes and stands up.

Chris: Winnie.

Winnie: Yes Christopher

Chris: How can I kill that rabbit

Winnie: I know exactly who you must talk to

Chris: Can he help me kill the rabbit.

Winnie: Yes

Winnie and Chris walk out of the frame. In the frame is a bloody piglet and mangled donkey and an unconscious tiger.

Eeyore: Oh , I’m still alive and nobody cares.

END OF ACT II

Intermission.

ACT III: The Training

The setting is in a dark forest. Fog covers the ground and snakes slither through the branches. The sky is dark with storm clouds. Winnie and Chris make their way through it and come to an intimidating tree. The tree like the others has a door and windows. Winnie knocks at the door.

Knock Knock

Voice: Please come in.

The voice has a deep resonant sound.

Winnie: Thank you

Winnie opens the door and reveals a colourful interior with oversized chairs and cheerful Disney music playing in the backround.

Voice: Make yourself comfortable.

Chris climbs into the chair his arms struggling to reach the armrests. Winnie did likewise. Then from out of the hallway came a big purple dinosaur wearing black sunglasses, a long black trench coat, green tie with black shirt and brown pants.

Barney: Hello Mr. Robinson I’m Barney I’ve been expecting you.

Chris: Actually my name is Christopher Robin. Not Robinson.

Barney: What?

Barney takes out a notepad

Barney: Wait is it four o’clock? No. Sorry about that Chris its been a very busy and long day. So what can I do for you?

Chris: I need to know how to kill Half Dollar.

Barney surprised: gasp Did you say Half Dollar?

Chris: Yes. Why do you know him?

Barney: Yes. He used to be my apprentice, back when he was a human named Ice Sphere, I taught him everything I knew. But the power proved too much for him he used it for his own evil purposes. The power turned him into a rabbit. Since then I vowed that one day I would train a new apprentice to fight him and stop his evil rampage. Chris, will you be my new apprentice?

Chris: He killed a guy I hardly knew and never cared about. My only purpose for the two minutes since then has been to kill him. Teach me everything you know Barney so I may fight him in a final epic duel.

Barney: It shall be done. For your first lesson meet me outback.

End of Scene I

Start Scene II

Barney is out in the backyard fog swamp with Chris.

Barney: For your first lesson you must learn that this isn’t real. I’m not real that tree isn’t real nothings real. Your in a place I call the Hightrix.

Chris: What is the Hightrix?

Barney: The Hightrix is in your brain. A series of randomly firing neurons in the cerebrum cause the illusion of sense. But this dreamworld in your head can also be influenced by your mind.

Chris: But how?

Barney: Concentrate. Visualize the action then actualize the vision.

Chris’ facial muscles strain with concentration, his tongue curls around his lip. Then theres a poof of smoke. Three ugly fat cheerleaders appear from nowhere.

Chris: Oh, that’s not what I wanted.

Barney: You must practice.

Here plays a montage of Chris visualizing things and failing over and over again.

Barney: Come on! Its been five hours of montage already.

Chris: Okay last shot

Chris concentrates and Arnold Schwanzenneggar poofs out.

Barney: I think your ready

END OF ACT III

START ACT IV: The Battle

The scene opens in an open valley. Chris stands on one hill on one side of the valley. Half Dollar stands on the other side on another hill. Chris yells to him

Chris: I’ve been waiting for you, Half Dollar or should I say Ice Sphere!

Rabbit: Ice Sphere was weak but now dat I embraced dja dark side I is ten times mo powerful den you could eva hope to be.

Chris: You can talk it but can you walk it?

Rabbit: Grrr!

On Rabbit side of the valley he manifests a thousand pirates riding flying sharks that are on fire. Chris manifests a thousand Chuck Norrises.

Chris: You cannot win!

Rabbit: DIE!

The flaming shark-riding pirates flew down the hill. Chuck Norrises ran down the other hill. They met in the middle of the two hills in a clash of round house kicks to the face and flaming sharkbites. Chris manifested a huge Pacman but Half Dollar manifested a huge Mrs. Pacman. The two pacmans opened up there huge jaws and spit hot fire at eachother. The hot ire met in the middle and caused huge nuclear explosions of near Bradian proportions. Chris was mad. His hair turned yellow and got all spiky.

Chris: Ayeeee!

Chris launched a huge fire ball from his palms. Rabbit did likewise and they both started flying and shooting flaming balls at eachother.

Chris: We’ll never accomplish anything if we just keep throwing our balls at eachother. Our balls are the same size.

Rabbit: Indeed dey are, whitey.

Chris: We should use our guns instead.

Rabbit: Fo shizzle

Chris and rabbit both pulled out there guns. Chris had aMP5 submachine gun. Rabbit had two M9 Berreta 9mm pistols. They both flew at each other in bullet time each one unloading their clips at each other random Chuck Norrises intercepted the bullets from Half Dollars guns. They met in mid air and grabbed each other and fell to the ground. Chris kicked the Rabbit, the Rabbit punched Chris. Chris ran at him and bit him on the wrist. Half Dollar hit him over top the head. Then there was a boing and Tigger appeared behind Half Dollar with a twelve gauge shotgun. Tigger put the gun against his head.

Tigger: You killed my family. Now I’m the only one. But now that one gets to kill you.

Tigger pulls the trigger. Rabbits head explodes in a mÈlange of skull fragments and gore. Tigger reloads and shoots Half Dollar in the chest. He does it again and again until he run out of ammo.

Chris: It is finished.

Chris and Tigger walk out of the battlefield, stepping over dead Chuck Norrises, sharks, pirates and pieces of pacman.

End of Scene I

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