UnScripts:Waiting For Breivik

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 06:20, September 5, 2011 by Romartus (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection

Waiting For Breivik

The Island of Utøya, Norway. Anders - a 60-year-old lumberjack from Trondheim is leaning against a tree. Leaves are floating on the water. Next to him is standing Dan - a 22-year-old student. Anders is holding an old axe in his hand. Dan is visibly unarmed and lightly dressed.



ANDERS: Murderers always go back to a crime scene, don't they?

DAN: If you say so, grandpa. I don't know. You know such things. You are older than me.

ANDERS: Yeah, I know. I'm only trying to confirm my own belief.

DAN: I understand.

A few seconds of deep silence.

DAN: Grandpa... If Anders Breivik came here, would you kill him?

ANDERS: I guess I would.

DAN: But if Breivik came here, I'm sure he would have his rifle, wouldn't he?

ANDERS: He definitely would.

DAN: So, how would you kill him, if you have only your old axe?

ANDERS: I will think 'bout it, when he comes.

DAN: I believe you know what you are doing. If Breivik came here, I wouldn't even try to kill him. I'd rather be killed by him.

ANDERS: You're talking shit, Dan.

DAN: No, grandpa. I'd rather die. If I had survived that massacre, I would be now suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Dying is much easier.



ANDERS: You don't know what you are talking about Dan.

DAN: I know grandpa! If I had killed Breivik, I would go to Hell!

ANDERS: No, you wouldn't.

DAN: What do you mean by that, grandpa?

ANDERS: Killing such a devil could be only a good deed. Anyway, your mother comes from England, which makes you a half-Englishman.

DAN: So what?

ANDERS: So you wouldn't go to Hell. God is an Englishman after all. And the English are the Chosen People.

DAN: Yeah... You are right. If Breivik came here, I would kill him with my bare hands!

Anders remains silent.

DAN: Grandpa... I've just had a crazy thought.

ANDERS: What thought?

DAN: If there were 99 Breiviks in Utøya... how would that end?

ANDERS: Beats me. Have no idea.



DAN: Well, I can think of two ways out. The first one is that every Breivik kills one Breivik leaving one Breivik alive.

ANDERS: And he would be caught by the police.

DAN: Yep. And the second one is that one Breivik - the strongest one - kills all the other Breiviks like in the first-past-the-post electoral system.

ANDERS: And he would still be caught by the police.

DAN: Yeah... Why do you stress the catching part so much?

ANDERS: He should've been shot dead that day. Had I been there, I would have done so.

DAN: Right. Where's Breivik now?

ANDERS: He's in prison.

DAN: Why do you want to kill him?

ANDERS: I don't know. I took my axe and came here. Not much thought 'bout that.

DAN: If he came here, he is nuts.

ANDERS: He is nuts anyway. Even worse that this.

DAN: Anyway, grandpa. Do you think Unabomber should sue Breivik for copyright infringement of his manifesto?



ANDERS: Why would he want to do that?

DAN: I'm not sure but he must be terribly bored in prison. He spends 23 hours a day closed in a dark airless prison cell, so if he sued Breivik, it would be some kind of fun for him, wouldn't it be?

ANDERS: You might be right.

DAN: If I were the Unabomber, I would sue Breivik.

ANDERS: And I would kill both.

DAN: That's not good of you, grandpa.

ANDERS: I know. But I'm old and I don't care.

DAN: But you should care. Breivik is in prison and Norwegian system will do everything possible to bring Breivik back to society.

ANDERS: We don't need him. He should be hanged.

DAN: But we're in Norway.



ANDERS: People can be hung anywhere.

DAN: Not in Norway. In Norway people can only hang themselves.

ANDERS: That's an idea.

DAN: You can't make Breivik hang himself.

ANDERS: If there will be no other way to kill him, I will try that.

DAN: Crazy idea.

ANDERS: We're all a bit crazy, aren't we?

DAN: You are crazy, grandpa.

ANDERS: You are irritating me Dan.

DAN: So imagine that I'm not here.

ANDERS: No, I won't

DAN: I will make you think I'm not here.

ANDERS: You can't do that.



DAN: Yes, I can.

Short silence.

DAN: How long are we going to wait for him?

ANDERS: No more than 21 years. He should be pardoned by then.

DAN: Breivik will never come.

Close-up of Anders' face.

ANDERS: Yeah, I know.

Camera gets back to its original position. We see no sign of Dan.

ANDERS: Neither will you Dan. God rest your soul.

Anders is still leaning against a tree looking eastward.

Good Small Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Personal tools