UnScripts:Waiting For Breivik
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Waiting For Breivik
EXT. UTOYA ISLAND, NORWAY - DAYANDERS - a 60-year-old lumberjack from Trondheim leans against a tree. Leaves float on the water. Next to him stands DAN - a 22-year-old student. Anders is holding an old axe in his hand. Dan is visibly unarmed and lightly dressed.
ANDERSMurderers always go back to a crime scene, don't they?
DANIf you say so, grandpa. I don't know. You know such things. You are older than me.
ANDERSYeah, I know. I'm only trying to confirm my own belief.
(After a few seconds of deep silence.)Grandpa... If Anders Breivik came here, would you kill him?
ANDERSI guess I would.
DANBut if Breivik came here, I'm sure he would have his rifle, wouldn't he?
ANDERSHe definitely would.
DANSo, how would you kill him, if you have only your old axe?
ANDERSI will think 'bout it, when he comes.
DANI believe you know what you are doing. If Breivik came here, I wouldn't even try to kill him. I'd rather be killed by him.
ANDERSYou're talking shit, Dan.
DANNo, grandpa. I'd rather die. If I had survived that massacre, I would be now suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Dying is much easier.
ANDERSYou don't know what you are talking about Dan.
DANI know grandpa! If I had killed Breivik, I would go to Hell!
ANDERSNo, you wouldn't.
DANWhat do you mean by that, grandpa?
ANDERSKilling such a devil could be only a good deed. Anyway, your mother comes from England, which makes you a half-Englishman.
DANYeah... You are right. If Breivik came here, I would kill him with my bare hands!
DANGrandpa... I've just had a crazy thought.
DANIf there were 99 Breiviks in Utøya... how would that end?
ANDERSBeats me. Have no idea.
DANWell, I can think of two ways out. The first one is that every Breivik kills one Breivik leaving one Breivik alive.
ANDERSAnd he would be caught by the police.
DANYep. And the second one is that one Breivik - the strongest one - kills all the other Breiviks like in the first-past-the-post electoral system.
ANDERSAnd he would still be caught by the police.
DANYeah... Why do you stress the catching part so much?
ANDERSHe should've been shot dead that day. Had I been there, I would have done so.
DANRight. Where's Breivik now?
ANDERSHe's in prison.
DANWhy do you want to kill him?
ANDERSI don't know. I took my axe and came here. Not much thought 'bout that.
DANIf he came here, he is nuts.
ANDERSHe is nuts anyway. Even worse that this.
DANAnyway, grandpa. Do you think Unabomber should sue Breivik for copyright infringement of his manifesto?
ANDERSWhy would he want to do that?
DANI'm not sure but he must be terribly bored in prison. He spends 23 hours a day closed in a dark airless prison cell, so if he sued Breivik, it would be some kind of fun for him, wouldn't it be?
ANDERSYou might be right.
DANIf I were the Unabomber, I would sue Breivik.
ANDERSAnd I would kill both.
DANThat's not good of you, grandpa.
ANDERSI know. But I'm old and I don't care.
DANBut you should care. Breivik is in prison and Norwegian system will do everything possible to bring Breivik back to society.
ANDERSWe don't need him. He should be hanged.
DANBut we're in Norway.
ANDERSPeople can be hung anywhere.
DANNot in Norway. In Norway people can only hang themselves.
ANDERSThat's an idea.
DANYou can't make Breivik hang himself.
ANDERSIf there will be no other way to kill him, I will try that.
ANDERSWe're all a bit crazy, aren't we?
DANYou are crazy, grandpa.
ANDERSYou are irritating me Dan.
DANSo imagine that I'm not here.
ANDERSNo, I won't.
DANI will make you think I'm not here.
ANDERSYou can't do that.
Yes, I can.
(Short silence.)How long are we going to wait for him?
ANDERSNo more than 21 years. He should be pardoned by then.
DANBreivik will never come.
Close-up of Anders' face.
ANDERSYeah, I know.
Camera gets back to its original position. We see no sign of Dan.
ANDERSNeither will you Dan. God rest your soul.
Anders is still leaning against a tree looking eastward.