UnPrairie Home Companion is a long-running radio show based around concepts deemed funny by master orator/hypnotherapist Garrison Keillor (or GK). The show has been airing since 1890 (approximately 30 years before the invention of the transistor), and shall continue to air in perpetuity throughout the known universe until the medium of radio is completely eradicated from the face of existence. Some people believe that, despite his appearance in a filmed version of the program, Garrison Keillor does not exist in a physical form, but rather dwells in public FM radio waves, a looming specter of mediocre comedy and purveyor of all things Norwegian.
Below is a transcript of the show’s 2004 broadcast from The Crane Jackson Fountain Street Theater in Los Angeles, California. As the show does not change at all from week-to-week, this transcript can be considered a definitive guide (and is likely infringing upon numerous trademarks and copyrights).
Welcome, Wont You?
GK: Welcome, Los Angeles! We come to you, live, from the Crane Jackson. This is a lovely theater, on a lovely side of this, lovely, state. And wouldn’t you know, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Tonight’s show features the same four sketches from last week’s program, with an entirely new assortment of Nordic singing groups! Lovely, young Swedish children, will be out to share their beauty and song, with us all. But first, listen to this gentleman play the fiddle!
Man plays fiddle for nearly ten minutes.
GK: Excellent, thank you fiddle man. Now, Powdermilk Biscuits!
Blah blah blah, Powdermilk Biscuits! They are the greatest and all jazz! Blah blah blah, Powdermilk Biscuits! Garrison Keillor says laugh!
Audience laughs with a slight uncertainty.
GK: Ah, that was the humor of the heart, the heart, of this great American heartland. We bring you now to a small shack in Switzerland, for a Nordic song, close to the my own heart. Here is Jeni Guntoffson and Her Eight younger sisters with the classic, Swedish folk song Foe Bluğåen Vöern Stup.
Nine girls, arranged from tallest to shortest, enter the stage, and begin harmonizing like a Wurlitzer pipe organ.
Guy Noir, Private Eye
WOMAN: A dark night, in a city that knows how to keep any resemblance to comedy a secret…
GK: Yes, Guy Noir, that’d be me. I’m always doing, detectivyyy… things… Oh, well, isn’t this, amusing.
WOMAN: Oh Mr. Noir, I need your help to do something a prominent detective wouldn’t do, such as find my lost poodle or rescue my helpless…poodle!
GK: Never fear, Guy Noir can assist you.
crashing cartoon sound effect.
WOMAN: Oh Mr. Noir, are you okay??
GK: Only my dignity is injured.
Audience claps politely, but laughs only slightly
GK: Ah, wonderful. Now more of my fine humor!
The Ol' Fashioned Rhubarb Festival
GK: That's right folks, introduce your child to rhubarb at a young age. Introduce it in a fun and loving manner. Come on down to the Ol' Fashioned Rhubarb Festival and enjoy something enjoyable. Tell 'em Garrison sent ya! Also, tell 'em you think Garrison's humor is HILARIOUS!
A ragtime band with a washboard player perform yet another folk song.
Lives of the Cowboys
GK: Isn't it funny that I'm a gruff, rugged cowboy who loves the manlier things in life, while you are a lilting, fragile girlie boy, Lefty?
GK: Why ya know, it sure is Rusty.
GK: Darn it Lefty, I feel like huntin' something!
GK: Oh Rusty, you're so rugged and gruff... I'm going to sit here and watch this little flower grow.
GK: Oh Lefty, we are certainly quite a pair.
A four-year-old yodeler takes the stage and performs a number of warbling sounds
The News from Lake Wobagon
GK: Oh, the marvelous Lake Wobagon, where are the women are strong, the men good looking, and everything just as bland as the rest, of this program. Its mating season for the frogs, who are mating...as it is, the season for such a thing. Also, Ms. Irma Johansbergin had a dinner guest last week. She had a lovely meal, of her own design. The children are out of school, and under the bleachers, freezing. Oh, and Bjorn Eriks is getting married, as they say. Thank you!
Catchup Advisory Board
Isn't it a funny thing how some people say "ketchup" and others say "catsup"? You don't have to answer, we know it is! Thats why we made this humorous little skit about the similarity, and, as a board, we're helping to educate people like you about the humor of this similarity. So, laugh! It's funny!
Crowd is highly confused.
GK: That's our show for this week, be sure to tune in next week for more quasi-entertaining monologues and other grandfatherly-type humorisms. Take us home fiddle guy!
Man plays fiddle for another 10 minutes as the show fades out. Audience members can be heard rushing the exits.