UnScripts:Twiglets: A Screenplay
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Written in the 1930's, "Twiglets" was critically acclaimed as a hard-hitting reality check for those in political authority at the time. Deep and rich in imagery and metaphor, this screenplay presents the pig-iron industry in a drastically objective and yet philosophical light, while dealing with issues central to the general population at the time, such as slavery, social status, divorce, exorcism, contemporary dance and Judaism.
SCENE ONE: A QUARRELSOME AFTERNOON
(It's the turn of the nineteenth century. Its a foggy October morning, and two friends are standing at their local book depository. At the left stands Korpland, a kindly diplomat. At the right stands Francoise, a firm-handed conservative, deeply rooted in rural culture.)
Korpland: Yeah, so...good.
(Silence. They look at each other)
(Enter Panda, a panda.)
Korpland: Hey, if it isn't our good friend Panda! C'mon now, cheer us up, tell us a joke!
Panda: (distraught) ...Actually, I found out that my parents just died in a plane crash with my first-born child. I've just been to identify the bodies...
Korpland: Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Are you alright?
Panda: ...I don't really want to talk about it. It's too painful to think about. How can I live my life now? I don't know if I can...
Korpland: Right. Okay. Well, we can talk about something else then.
End of Act One
SCENE ONE: PREVIOUS ARRANGEMENTS
(A man with a beard enters. He looks cautious, his motives unclear)
Man with beard: (exits)
SCENE TWO: THE SECOND SCENE
(A man and a woman stand onstage. They are both in plain clothes, apart from the man, who is wearing a shirt and trousers.)
Horatio: Margaret, I demand to speak to your supervisor immediately. Your outburst is wildly insulting towards my race, my family and is completely unjustified. I will not stand for this.
Valerie: My name isn't Margaret, its Helga.
Horatio: (taken aback) Oh, I am sorry. Please, I beg of you, forgive me and accept my apology! I will do anything you ask of me.
Valerie: Give me your kidney.
Horatio: ...As you wish.
(Man without a beard enters)
Man without beard: M'lord, your gynaecologist will see you now...
End of Act Two
SCENE ONE: THE SCENE BEFORE THE ONE AFTER THIS ONE
(Five boys sit at a table discussing important matters. Two are autistic.)
Man not un-without an un-beard: ...So, I hear Steven Spielberg bought the movie rights for this thing?
Alan: Yeah, which I found pretty odd considering I've only written 3 scenes of it. Well, two acts. Y'know. He's quick on the ball.
Man not un-without an un-beard: Thing is...what's it really about?
Alan: What do you mean? You read it.
Man not un-without an un-beard: Yeah. I just don't get the plot. It seems random. You switch between characters the whole time, nothing really happens in the long run. And the whole egg nog theme you have going? Its just obscene...
Alan: Hey, look. It's not my fault if you don't "get" it. Some things just go way over your head. I'll worry about it, alright?
Man not un-without an un-beard: I'll be honest, it's shit. You're not even a proper writer.
Alan: If you're going to be like that then I'm gonna cut your scene. I'll cut it right out, I swear.
Man not un-without an un-beard: (Lying) Hey, no, come on, don't be like that, I'm sorry. Really. It's a deep play. I just didn't get it right away, okay?
Man not un-without an un-beard: No really, I'm sorry. Truce, yeah?
Alan: ...Fine. But just for calling me a shit writer, I'm going to give your character a stupid name.
Man not un-without an un-beard: Sure, fine, whatever. (Pause) Hey, by the way, is it true Jack Nicholson is going to be playing "Man without a beard"?
Alan: Yeah, we got him in on short notice. I personally wanted Jeremy Irons for that part, but Spielberg was like, "Oh no, you can't cast Irons, he has a beard". He doesn't get it. That's the beauty of the character!
Man not un-without an un-beard: Oh, absolutely, just what I was thinking. Yeah.
Treacle Jenkins: ...You know, on my way here, I hit a child with my car. He just...ran out from nowhere...and his body was twisted and broken on the road. (Pause) When I saw what had happened, it made me smile, because I realised that for the first time, I had made an impact on the world. For the first time, I had made a genuine difference in another person's life, a connection with another human being. There was no one around, so I just...thought about that for a while. How huge that is, and how pathetic it is that the first time in my life was so late...and how wrong it had to be. (Pause) He's in the boot of my car now. I'll probably just leave him there. He's only little...maybe I'll do the honourable thing, remove his organs and give them to a hospital. Try to make up for some of the damage.
(The others stare at him in silence)
Alan:...Wow. Just...uh, wow. We have to go.
Man not un-without an un-beard: Yeah, we have a thing to do.
(They all leave, except Treacle Jenkins. Fat piece of shit. I'm not surprised they left him, the guy's such an arse that it's all I can do not to give him a kick right in the gut right now. What an annoying little turd, I tell you, crucifixion's too good for the kid, I just want to give him a good stabbing right in his fat face (stage direction guy comes onstage and begins to beat Treacle to a bloody pulp, as he is dragged offstage by security. Treacle is left bleeding in his chair.))
SCENE TWO: THE SCENE AFTER "THE SCENE BEFORE THE ONE AFTER THIS ONE"
(Horatio and the gynaecologist are in the gynaecologist's office)
Gynaecologist: Excellent, Horatio. You're keeping a nice clean shop down there.
Horatio: (Coughs uncomfortably) Thank you. To be honest, I've been a little nervous. I'm giving my kidney away next month.
Gynaecologist: Oh, congratulations! When's the big day?
Horatio: (hesitantly) November 14th...
Gynaecologist: (dropping his spatula) Oh my... I'm so sorry... I had no idea... do your family know?
Horatio: (Sobbing) No...
Gynaecologist: Oh dear, come here... (they both hug, and as they cry and scream in their melancholy embrace, Horatio pounds the floor at the injustice. A woman without a beard exits then enters the room)
Woman without a beard: Time's up fellas. That'll be around seventy quid.
SCENE THREE: A BOWLER HAT
(A man with a beard comes onstage. He scours the audience with disdain. He puts on a bowler hat and draws breath)
Cardinal Watson: Shut up! Just shut up! Get offstage you vile bearded man! Begone!
End of Act Three
SCENE TWO: THE INABILITY TO COUNT
(Cardinal Watson comes onstage followed by a man who may or may not be Bruce Willis)
Cardinal Watson: Now Walter, you can feel at ease here. I am a doctor after all. Tell me anything you want.
Walter: Okay, well, I have this lump on my...
Cardinal Watson: Whoa! Oookay! Little too much information thank you very much didn't need to know your life story don't really care I was just being polite actually don't get paid to chit-chat all day don't wanna hear about your balls thank you very much...
Walter: Actually, I was going to say it's on my leg.
Cardinal Watson: Oh, I see. Good good. Don't worry. I'll cut it right off, you'll be just fine. I'll go find my spatula... (a man walks on in the background. He is holding a sign that reads "Connexions". He stands in silence. To the max.)
Cardinal Watson: Alright then, shall I cut it off above or below the kneecap? Peg-legs are much easier to get without the knee of course but...
Walter: Wouldn't it just be easier just to cut off the lump?
Cardinal Watson: OI! Who's the fucking doctor here? You or me? I swear to Lucifer, if you dare question my judgement again, I'm going to do you up against the side of the barn!
(Everybody stares at Cardinal Watson in silence. The man drops his sign)
End of Act Four
SCENE ONE: SVETLANA BUYS A MOTORBOAT (ALTERNATIVE TITLE: PLAYWRIGHT GOING SENILE)
(Treacle Jenkins is sitting in a hospital bed badly bruised. Deserves it too, the fat shit. Enter Doctor wearing a lab coat)
Doctor: Salutations, young man. Despite appearances, I am in fact your doctor. I had to borrow this chemist jacket from my friend, but I assure you, I am a doctor.
Treacle Jenkins: ...Okay.
Doctor: So tell me, what's the problem?
Treacle Jenkins: I've been beaten severely by that bastard stage direction guy (Watch it, pig fucker).
Doctor: Ah, yes. So I see. You have...erm...bruises. That's the word. Well, let's have a look then.
(The doctor pulls up Treacle's shirt and rummages about)
Doctor: Hmm, yes. There's a lot of damage there. Could repair it, but it'll cost ya. Tell you the truth, it would probably just be cheaper to buy a new torso. (Treacle stares at him) Oh, that's right. I'm not a mechanic. I'm a doctor. Really, I am. Now, I need to check for internal bleeding, I just have to go get my spatula. Don't go anywhere. It won't hurt, I promise. I'm a priest in my spare time.
(The doctor exits)
Treacle Jenkins: (Shouting after the doctor) Actually, I have some stuff in my car boot for you which you can get while you're out there...
(Enter man with a beard. He picks a magazine off the shelf, starts to read, and begins to look horrified. He drops the magazine, keels over and begins to violently vomit all over the floor. He falls on his side clenching his stomach and continues to vomit. He gags and chokes as his mouth opens wider and a lung hangs from his open mouth. Organs continue to pile out of his mouth onto the floor, leaving him empty and thin. He stops convulsing and his dead eyes continue to stare out into the audience. Treacle stares at him terrified. Enter doctor)
Doctor: Alright then. Ah, I see you've met my son.
SCENE TWO: THE UNNAMED SCENE
(A police station/prison. Horatio is sitting at the front desk staring longingly at a picture of his kidney. Sergeant Williams comes onstage dragging Stage Directions Guy with him (leaving Substitute Stage Directions Guy to take over, so go easy, it's my first day, the pressure's really getting to me (especially in such a top quality production as this one)))
Stage Direction Guy: Have some professionalism for Christ's sake...fucking n00bs...
Sergeant Williams: Oi, watch your language, this is a prison, not a primary school. Have some fucking respect. (Sorry to have been a fuss...) Right. Horatio. Put this guy in a cell. He's been accused of grievous bodily harm. Just stick him in with the other stage direction guys... (exits)
Horatio: Right then. You'll need to stay a week or two unless someone can bail you out. Is there anyone you want to call?
Stage Direction Guy: (stares into middle-distance as he has a flashback of riding a tandem bike by himself etc etc) Uh...not right now.
Horatio: Right then. Before you go ahead, I'm going to need a urine sample. Okay?
Stage Direction Guy: Okay then. (deposits his urine in a clear plastic flask and hands it over) So what do you need this for exactly?
Horatio: Oh, don't worry, nothing really. Just a hobby of mine.
(Enter Sergeant Williams dragging Cardinal Watson along with him)
Sergeant Williams: I've got another for ya. This one's in for attempted rape. You'll fit right in here. Okay, before you go in, I'm going to need you to bend over. Now, where's my spatula...
(The stage goes dark, and light opera music begins to play. A spotlight picks out the man with a beard whilst the music fades to silence. He looks pensive. He strokes his beard thoughtfully, and patiently paces back and forth a little. He takes a well-thumbed Bible from his pocket and opens it at one of the many book-marked pages. He flexes the spine in preparation. He opens his mouth)
William Shatner: Hey everyone! I think we all know what time it is!
(The lights come back on revealing an orchestra and fifty or so dancers in full costume. They sing and dance to "Bridge Over Troubled Waters". As the curtain falls, the man with a beard is crushed underfoot. He gasps for breath and chokes out a barely audible sentence...)
Man with a beard: Help...This isn't a play...it's all real...help...
And They Lived Happily Ever After.