UnScripts:The Taming of the Shrew

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Tamingshrew
Something witty, no doubt.

edit Act 1

SCENE I. Padua. A public place.

LUCENTIO sits before a miniature trapeze set, a see-saw, a merry-go-round, a ferris wheel and a tightrope. Two shrews wander about, sniffing and leaving droppings. LUCENTIO rises from his seat and spreads his arms wide in dramatic fashion.
LUCENTIO
Grasp thy paws firmly upon the tethered bars or aroint thee, foul rodents! I implore thee, try not my patience for I know the name of a skilled exterminator!
The shrews show no indication of noticing him. LUCENTIO sinks back onto a stool, cradling his head in his hands. Enter PETRUCCIO.
PETRUCCIO
Whatchoo got there then?
LUCENTIO
Do thine own eyes not tell them to be mice?
PETRUCCIO
Blimey, they ain't no mouses, mate. The nose is too long, innit? And the feet. They's got five toes on each foot, don't they? Mouses got only four.
LUCENTIO
Indeed. And you are...?
PETRUCCIO
Name's Petruccio, mate. And if it's all the same to ya, we can drop the posh talk. Just came by the park to float a sausage to the seaside but remembered I didn't filch a bog roll. Seen any big leaves?
LUCENTIO
I fear I have not.
PETRUCCIO
A shame. But then it's me own fault for eating that cuzzer. Always gives me the squirts, it does... Shoulda used the khazi before they threw me out. So whatchoo doin' with them shrews anyway?
LUCENTIO
Taming them to perform at my command, good sir.
PETRUCCIO
You must be barmy, mate. Whachoo wanna do that for?
LUCENTIO
Well, to make money, of course.
PETRUCCIO
You're all over the gaff, you are. Arsing about. What choo need is an expert.
LUCENTIO
(with suspicion)
Someone like yourself, for example...
PETRUCCIO
Right! Gimme a bit of dosh and a few minutes with 'em and Bob's your uncle.
LUCENTIO
(losing the posh talk completely)
What a load of cack. Bugger off, dosser.
PETRUCCIO
Crickey So you ain't a cabbage after all. No really, mate. For a bit of crust methinks I can help. It's a doddle, it is.
LUCENTIO
Honestly?
PETRUCCIO
Dead cert.
LUCENTIO
Alright then.
PETRUCCIO
Cushty. First thing you should know is that some of these little buggers is poisonous, so we'd be best get 'em good 'n monged before we start.
PETRUCCIO pulls out a flask of unknown contents and spills some between the shews, who imbibe heartily.
PETRUCCIO
Awright. That should get 'em mullered. Now... 'ow 'bout a ride on the ferris wheel. There we are.
LUCENTIO
Love a duck! I thought you were a nutter, but look! Yonder alligators.
PETRUCCIO
'Ave some 'a that!
THE SHREWS remain on the wheel, staring around as it spins. Until they vomit and lose consciousness.
LUCENTIO
Mullered, eh? On your bike, plonker!
PETRUCCIO
Oh keep your pecker up. I just spilled a bit much. Giveum a minute to come 'round and all'll be luvverly jubberly.
(FADE TO BLACK)

edit Act 2

SCENE I. Interior. A veterinary waiting room.

LUCENTIO
Pardon me, but you did say “luvverly jubberly”...?
PETRUCCIO
Oh for God's sake, quit wanking on about it, they'll be just fine...
A nurse appears, shakes her head, and exits.
PETRUCCIO
...and even if they ain't, I'll know what to do next time.
(to nurse) Oi! Can we have those to-go in a take-home box? Thanks, love.
LUCENTIO
Dare I ask what you want them for?
PETRUCCIO
(frowns)
Best not to. Anyway, me mate can set us up with a 'nother pair of shrews dead cheap.
LUCENTIO
Shove off before I go spare.
PETRUCCIO
These ones is on me, squire. He owes me. So whatchoo wanna try next?
LUCENTIO
Magic? With a bit of sleight of hand I imagine I could make them disappear up your bottom.
PETRUCCIO
'Avin' a go at me, are ya? Fine. I earned it. Get it out of your system then.
LUCENTIO
No, let's just get on with it. I'm running out of ideas and you're the "expert" as I recall.
PETRUCCIO
Right. Well, maybe we's aiming too high. Need something simple but impressive looking...
LUCENTIO
We could shoot them out of a cannon.
PETRUCCIO
Been done.
LUCENTIO
Ride a hot air balloon?
PETRUCCIO
Too pricey.
LUCENTIO
Fetch my slippers and newspaper?
PETRUCCIO
Smeghead.
The nurse appears and hands a box to PETRUCCIO.
LUCENTIO
Right, well what do you suggest then?
PETRUCCIO
Come to think of it, easiest way to tame a shrew is with a newspaper. Rolled up. Piss-easy, it is.
LUCENTIO
Ah, so they can learn from punishment?
PETRUCCIO
Nah. Usually get beaten to death first. But they're good an' behaved afterward, bein' dead an' all.
LUCENTIO
Where are you going with this?
PETRUCCIO smiles and indicates the take-out box.
LUCENTIO
Never!
PETRUCCIO
Oi! The punters will eat it up. With the right sauce and a low price, we're bettin' on a winnin' horse 'ere.
LUCENTIO
Never!
PETRUCCIO
C'mon. People don't see nothin', do they? Won't notice. They just want cheap eats.
LUCENTIO
Never.
PETRUCCIO
Think of the money. We'll get a second-hand cart. Meat's nearly free. Almost 100% profit.
LUCENTIO
Really?
PETRUCCIO
Dead cert. Shrews is everywhere. They grow themselves. We'll give it some poncey sounding name. Like "shawarma". No one knows what that stuff is, really.
LUCENTIO holds his chin pensively, as a smile creeps across his lips.
(FADE TO BLACK)

edit Act 3

SCENE I. Interior. Lucentio's house.

LUCENTIO
(sighs)
'Tis a shame we could not follow through with your "shawarma" idea. I so liked the sound of it. So exotic. We'd have been singular; innovators of the marketplace.
PETRUCCIO
(voice from another room)
Sorry mate, but there's no sense in whinging on about it. Like I was sayin', they hangs that meat on a skewer, see? Too visible. The public is idiots, but even they could suss that. The police would do us in no time.
LUCENTIO
How's it coming along in there?
PETRUCCIO
Bees knees. Have a gander.
PETRUCCIO enters with a large tray of sausages
LUCENTIO
They look lovely! Thou giveth fever.
PETRUCCIO
Ta. I filched some skins from the butcher to make 'em look all professional like.
LUCENTIO
Shall I get the cart ready?
PETRUCCIO
Meet you outside in five. Bring the mustard.
LUCENTIO and PETRUCCIO smile at the audience, clasp arms, and bow deeply.
(CURTAIN FALLS)
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