UnScripts:The Symposium

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True plato

In an incredible display of philosophical irony, Plato flips off people who question Socrates.

EXT. DAY, SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE OF ATHENS.
APOLLODORUS is walking on a path that leads to the great city, pondering the mysteries of life, such as meaning, what's for lunch, and why he has such a bloody long name.
PERSON #1, an underpaid extra, races after him.
PERSON #1
Oy! Apollodorus! Wait up!
APOLLODORUS
Hey... you! You're... that guy, right?
PERSON #1
You bet! Dude, what happened at Agathon's crazy par-tay the other day? I gotta know. I mean, I asked some other people too, but dude, they were so boring, and I was so stoned, I just got no idea.
APOLLODORUS
It's a bit of a long story, Glaucon, but I happen to know it.
PERSON #1 GLAUCON
Woah, dude, I have a name now?! Totally awesomesauce.
APOLLODORUS
Yes. Rather a shame, I think, that you're going to disappear for the rest of the narrative in one of those cheap, over-used flashback transitions.
PERSON #1 GLAUCON
Aw, that blows, dude.
A CHEAP TRANSITION is used.
EXT. DAY
SOCRATES and his buddy ARISTODEMUS are hanging out.
SOCRATES
I've been invited to one of Agathon's parties, Aristodemus. There's sure to be a lot of getting drunk, and further getting drunk to forget about what was done while drunk. Tell me, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ARISTODEMUS
Crash the party with lots of logic and philosophy?
SOCRATES
You got it, Aristodemus.
ARISTODEMUS
Damn, you're a genius at ruining people's fun, Socrates.
SOCRATES
I don't have my own Method for nothing, you know.
INT. AGATHON'S HOUSE
PHAEDRUS, ERYXIMACHEUS, AGATHON, and LOTS OF OTHER UNNAMED PEOPLE THAT ARE SURE TO HAVE LONG, UNTYPEABLE NAMES ANYWAY are lounging around, waiting for dinner. ARISTODEMUS enters.
AGATHON
Aristodemus! Come in! I meant to invite you anyway... Where's Socrates?
ARISTODEMUS
(looking around)
Hmm... shit. He was with me a second ago.
PERSON #1 SLAVE
Dude, he's totally outside, staring into space. He's all... spaced-out, dudes. Just standin' there.
AGATHON & ARISTODEMUS
Not again.
AGATHON
Better get him in here... last time this happened he got bird shit all over him.
ARISTODEMUS
And the time before that, he unraveled the secrets of the Universe.
ZEUS
(off-screen)
And a fine time we had getting it all back together again!
AGATHON
Screw it, I'm hungry. Let's just eat dinner.
They eat DINNER. SOCRATES eventually shows up.
AGATHON
All right! Socrates! Let's make with the drinking!
ERYXIMACHUS
Hold it. I'm a doctor...
ALL groan.
ERYXIMACHUS
And thus I feel it my duty to inform you that drinking's bad for you!
ARISTOPHANES
(joining in on the conversation simply because there aren't enough long, confusing names that begin with A)
What the Hades kind of logic is that? You're a doctor, so you've got the authority to tell us what's good for us and what's bad? Let's drink!
PHAEDRUS
Let's not. I have a hangover the size of Mount Olympus.
ARISTOPHANES
Oh all right, that's a much better reason. What do you want to do then? Scrabble?
AGATHON
No, no, no. We've all come here to get severely messed up, and we're going to do just that!
ARISTOPHANES
But how?
SOCRATES
Philosophy!
AGATHON
Socrates said something! Let's all agree with him!
EVERYONE agrees.
ERYXIMACHUS
Why don't we all give a speech about love?
SOCRATES
Sure.
EVERYONE agrees.
SOCRATES
Phaedrus, you speak first. Surely you can enlighten us on the subject of love, a mystery that has encapsulated so many hearts and minds since the very beginning of time, a force so powerful that even the gods themselves have succumbed to it? Despite your agitated state, you must have something to say.
EVERYONE agrees.
PHAEDRUS
Right. Here goes. Ahem. Love is awesome.
An awkward SILENCE ensues. Several AWKWARD TURTLES wander into the room.
AGATHON
That's it?
ARISTOPHANES
That's a "speech"?
AGATHON
That's not even a "spe".
PHAEDRUS
That's what happens when you ask the man with the hangover to go first.
PHAEDRUS retreats into a dark corner.
INT. PLATO'S MIND
The author of The Symposium, PLATO, skips over a whole bunch of unnamed speakers in the interest of getting to the bit where SOCRATES speaks.
PLATO
Doesn't matter. Socrates is going to pwn them all anyway.
THE READER
What's the point of having anyone else speak, then? Why not just have a book of Socrates rambling on? It'll get rid of all those pesky extra characters you don't bother to develop.
PLATO
Because Socrates is my hero! He has to pwn someone.
THE READER
Why don't you grow some balls and write your own philosophy instead of putting it into the mouth of a dead person?
PLATO
WHAT?! Just for that, I'm going to make this even more nonsensical!
INT. AGATHON'S HOUSE
AGATHON
(turning to the next person to speak)
What about you, Pausanias?
PAUSANIAS
Hmm. I'd have to say... gay pedophilia.
AGATHON
What?
PAUSANIAS
The only real kind of love is gay pedophilia.
AGATHON
Well - where's your proof?
PAUSANIAS
My wha - ?
AGATHON
Your proof? Your logic?
PAUSANIAS
Proof? Logic? What proof do I need that gay pedophilia is fun?
ARISTOPHANES
Meh, for you, maybe. The rest of us have a bit of a wider sexual range.
PAUSANIAS
I plead you to stop -
ARISTOPHANES
I hear the only thing "long" about you is your beard.
PAUSANIAS
Quiet! Cease these accusations, for it is your turn to speak, Aristophanes!
ARISTOPHANES
Love to. But I've got the hiccups.
ARISTOPHANES hiccups.
AGATHON
The hiccups. You can't speak because you've got the hiccups.
ARISTOPHANES
(still hiccuping)
Yup.
INT. PLATO'S HOUSE
The LITERATURE POLICE arrive at PLATO's door.
LITERATURE POLICE
That's it. We're revoking your artistic license for gross misuse of plot devices.
PLATO
Wait! Wait! Let me go! It's all going to come to a brilliant conclusion, you'll see!
INT. AGATHON'S HOUSE
ARISTOPHANES
Eryximachus, cover for me!
ERYXIMACHUS
Sure. Allow me to enlighten you all on a long, detailed, medical explanation of love, complete with facts, charts, and records.
He DOES.
ARISTOPHANES
Did you hear that?
ERYXIMACHUS
What?
ARISTOPHANES
That wooshing noise.
AGATHON
No...
ARISTOPHANES
That was the sound of Eryximachus sucking all the fun out of the discussion.
ERYXIMACHUS
(thoroughly offended)
Fine then; it is now your turn to speak, and your hiccups shall shield you no further from our ears.
ARISTOPHANES
Okay. Here's how I figure it. We were all created as two human beings fused together - you know, with four legs, four arms, two faces, and all that. Moving around was a bit hard, so I think there was quite a bit of rolling. They tried to attack the gods, and the gods decided to split them into two. And that's how we got bellybuttons!
Oh, and it has something to do with love too. Because we're searching for our "other half," you see? It's like a play on words! I should be a playwright.
ERYXIMACHUS
My friends, is it too late to take back my "no drinking" speech?
AGATHON
Yes, you've got to suffer like the rest of us. Now it's my turn. Admittedly I'm a bit nervous because this work is written by Plato, meaning that whatever I say, Socrates will immediately refute and destroy my soul.
SOCRATES
Yes. Do you mind getting on with it?
AGATHON
Okay. I'll keep it simple and irrefutable then. Love is good, and beautiful, and a god, and can write poetry.
SOCRATES
Nope. Sorry. I'll give you a moment to collect yourself before I completely rip your argument to shreds.
AGATHON
SOCRATES
People desire what they don't have, right? Because you wouldn't desire what you've already got?
AGATHON agrees.
SOCRATES
But Love desires what is good, beautiful, and can write at least fairly decent poetry, right?
EVERYONE agrees.
SOCRATES
Thus and therefore - love is not good, beautiful, or a good poet!
EVERYONE agrees. A small CROWD begins to gather around the house, having heard SOCRATES'S voice from miles away. They also agree.
ARISTOPHANES
I think I just came.
SOCRATES
But that is not to say that love is ugly, bad, or a horrible poet. See, love is neither good nor bad, beautiful nor ugly, a poet or not!
The small CROWD has become a much larger one. Someone starts doing THE WAVE, while agreeing with SOCRATES.
SOCRATES
But that's not all! Love is not mortal or immortal!
The CROWD goes wild, floods into AGATHON'S house, and carries SOCRATES out, cheering all the way. One man, named ALCIBIADES, pushes his way to SOCRATES.
ALCIBIADES
(miserably drunk)
Socrates! I love you!!
PERSON #1 SLAVE
Wow, dude, that's just gay.
PLATO
Hmm. I wonder if I've managed to get my point across that Socrates is awesome?
(pause)
Oh well, if I haven't, there's always The Republic.
END.

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