UnScripts:The Retardis

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Tardis
This is it before...
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This is going to be a hard decision.
Brit0005
Let me just get my measuring rape tape.
Monster-house-poster
...And after. The real one is a lot bigger and mostly eats hippos instead of children.

As every dedicated Complete and utter saddo doctor who fan will know, the doctor stole his tardis from a repair shop. The series writer had it "stuck" as a police box,His excuse was that its "chameleon" circuit was broken but it really was to save money, but what could happen if the intergalactic, time-travel masking tape holding it together would fall apart. The result would be this: the Retardis!

Retardis fact #1. The Retardis is one of the toughest things in the universe. It is several rooms thick in practically impenetrable armour plating it takes Chuck Norris 2 whole seconds to smash it to pieces.
Retardis fact #2. If you put the retardis in a suit, it becomes the prime minister of Britain.
Retardis fact #3. The Retardis screams for drugs in the key of A flat minor.
Retardis fact #4. The Retardis voted Republican.
Retardis fact #5. The Retardis slept with your mum twice!
Retardis fact #6. The Retardis is the only gay in the village.
Retardis fact #7. Hey I didn't know your your mum was dead. Don't shoot the friggin' messenger.
Retardis fact #8. I would like you to put down that axe please. Right now.
Retardis fact #9. If you don't call an ambulance, I will die.

edit The Script

Tardis arrives on earth. Doctor steps out, looking around at some miserable london park.
Doctor: Ah, there I am back on earth. There are probably other planets I could save, with less idiots and junkies, but that would mean using surprisingly, completely, believable latex masks! (*ahem*) But this might mean that the director might not be able to afford his new porsche that he has been patiently saving up for for 2 days. (He usually would have had to save up for 3 days but the "believable" (and cheap) latex masks save a few million pounds)

Anyway, I will need some kind of companion, even though another human is far stupider and slower than me and it would be a lot better if I just bought another timelord from before the random war. Seriously, I should go back in time and save that lot one of these days. The companion I pick should show some slight signs of bravery, but more importantly, it should be a woman. Preferably with large breasts. [Wonder why the doctor is so turned on by Aliens.]

Grabs nearest woman with dimension between 32-26-44 and 40-18-32
Katy Perry (Thanks, Kate Perry, we really don't want any more lesbians.): AHH! RAPE!
Surrounding Crowd in unison: Oooooh Can we watch???
Doctor:No now shove off.: While closing the door violently.
Tardis disappears in weird light while shaking violently this is actually a small vibrator set in Kate Perry's underwear pocket

Inside tardis
Kate Perry: What the hell? I'm going to be late for work!
Doctor: And where do you work?
Kate Perry: Porn house. [At this point, wonder why the doctor bothers saving this planet.]
Doctor: Where do you want to go?
Kate Perry: Home, you idiot!
Tardis appears in patch of space, despite the fact that it is currently in quantum. Kate Perry opens doors and is nearly plunged into space. Despite all known laws of physics, she survives and her hair remains perfect.
Kate Perry: what on earth?
The obligatory 5-minute you're-new-this-is-my-time-machine speech is removed here so that normal human beings might actually be slightly tempted to look at this article
Doctor: so where now?
Tardis begins shaking. The walls pull together so that the tardis' interior is now the size of a phone box. Doctor screams with pleasure. Kate Perry screams with horror at being fingered by alien.
Kate Perry: What happened?
Doctor: I am now going to spout some meaningless gibberish which no-one can understand so that you will believe me. [Basically the tape has fallen off and the tardis is now the retardis]

Texas. Current time. George Bush is shooting endangered animals that have privately been flown in whilst on the phone, trying to end taxes on poor, suffering rich people, stop mothers from cruelly and unnecessarily aborting the embryos they received because they were drunk under the table on their birthdays, prevent gay marriages (there's no way they were born like that they "must" have chosen to make their lives a lot harder), giving psychos their right to have more than 15 guns and making sure that at least 20 soldiers a week are blown up doing nothing in Iraq. The retardis lands on his head. His head asplode. This makes very little difference, as he still talks out his ass. Doctor opens retardis doors and falls down from the 15th story window.
Doctorcatching Kate Perry What the..? It's smaller on the inside!
Aliens drop from sky in random ship. The aliens are humanoid despite the fact that another life-form evolving in our shape is ridiculous.
Aliens: Greetings earthlings. We are aliens from another planet!
Doctor: Sherlock Fricking Holmes!
Aliens: We can somehow speak English. We have singled your planet out for conquering in our intergalactic battle, even though you are no threat to us. We will now proceed to kill isolated people in corridors, before shooting out the sky and killing more random people.
Doctor: Oh noes, the poor drug dealers and paedophiles in the cellars!! We must stop the aliens! Lets sneak aboard their ship and go to their leader.
Kate Perry: To kill them?
Doctor: No, to ask them nicely to stop. With the additional threat of killing them as humanely as possible. If I don't throw a temper tantrum.

Kate Perry contemplates suicide.


Aboard the ship.

Alien leader(slightly more cheesy than other aliens in cheap latex masks): Soon my plan to kill all the defenseless people on this planet will be complete. MWAHAHA!
Doctor: Oh no you won't!
Alien leader: GET THEM!!!!1!(Wow, he knows internet memes. These aliens get more human by the minute. Especially the "killing defenseless things" part.)

2 hours later. Alien has made obligatory "Why I'm doing this speech.

Alien: despite the fact that I hate your guts, even though I have only just met you (See, human.) I have waited until now to kill you.
Alien: Boss?
Alien leader: Now what?
Alien: The Doctor and Kate Perry ran away halfway through your speech.
Alien leader: Son of a Oblijacaow. CHASE THEM DOWN SOME UNNECESSARILY LONG CORRIDORS!! DON'T SHOOT THEM EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN BARLEY MISS DOWN A NICE STRAIGHT CORRIDOR!! Seriously, why did I even build those things into my ship?

Annoying chase scene.


After their escape, the Doctor and the Kate Perry are outside in some disused building. Despite the fact that it is heavily implied that the Aliens are trained soldiers, another Alien of unknown fitness and a girl in high heels hasn't run more than 50 metres since they were at school have easily outrun them."

Kate Perry: Despite the fact that it is heavily implied that people are dying out there, we are having a cup of tea.
Doctor: We have to return to the Alien ship.
Kate Perry: Why? So that you can give the Alien Boss flowers?
Doctor: Nicely pronounced capital A. And no,we are going to stop them.
Kate Perry: I thought that you were against killing.

15-day "Lesser of two evils" speech omitted here.


Back aboard Alien ship. The Doctor and Kate Perry are inside an engine room, which is not at all made of painted toilet rolls and ice-cream tubs. (*Ahem.*)Despite the fact that the Alien security would be stepped up and a room like this is probably vital for the running of the ship, the Doctor and Kate Perry have easily got in. Annoying 2-minute sneaking-into-main-room-and-hiding-at-back sequence cut out here

Alien Boss: My plan is succeeding perfectly. I have bored the socks off of 20% of the parents of the people who watch this crap. This will soon increase.
Doctor: We will stop you!
Alien Boss: Oh no you won't!
Audience (WTF?): Oh yes he will!
Alien Boss: Oh no you won't. Points gun at doctor. I'm going to shoot your friend first. Where is she?
Audience: SHE'S BEHIND YOU!!
Kate Perry: I pressed these buttons on the console. Did that help?
Alien Boss: You could have blown up the entire ship!! Hang on. Wheezes My life support that is not a piece of tinfoil (its a condom) over there at all! Its deactivated by that button! Could there be a more inhumane way to kill someone on children's T.V.? All Aliens die.
Doctor: Well done. Now lets get out of here!

Orange Kitten
Doctor: Ah, this will keep me going for weeks. Kate Perry: Don't you mean the Retardis? Doctor: Hey, I said me!

Outside ship. Doctor and Kate Perry have escaped intact, with 2 seconds to spare, in perfect accordance with the laws of cinema physics.

Doctor: Well done. Now let's return to the retardis and, within 30 seconds, show all the action that will happen in the next episode so that the army and all the weirdo's who have nothing better to do dedicated fans of doctor who will both be tempted to come back next week.

Director drives past in his V!!!EC (Very!!! Expencive Car).


edit Physics of the Retardis

As everybody knows the retardis is smaller on the inside! this is based on a temporal illusion a small AAA battery. This temporal engineering is relatively simple so I shall continue with the basics ; C/be-c+suan=H/QUE. The AAA battery is usually powering the coffee machine but (in times of need) it is placed in the (annoyingly-out-of-the-way-and-hard-to-reach-in-a-crisis) slot underneath the (190.23456789101112131415*2 ton) iron grid where it powers a kitten huffing machine in the retardis space time vortex core this means (if a sufficiently large ORANGE kitten is placed there it will be continually Huffed for the rest of eternity. Another source is a eternal time loop with dancing Hampsters AND Gerbils dance the Hokey Kokey for ever and the physics behind the Hokey Kokey is.. ( .)^( .)

Hokey Pokey
another thing / eternal cycle that runs/powers the retardis.
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