UnScripts:The Rapid And The Ragey

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RapidRagey

The DVD cover.

The 2014 film, "The Rapid and The Ragey" was the sixth sequel in a series that was still making money somehow, and therefore still making boring, repetitive sequels. The original film, in case you hadn't guessed it, was the film "The Fast and the Furious"". The story involved someone called Dom, played by Vin Diesel, Oscar winner, driving some cars and crashing. There were also hot girls and stunts and police, and, it has been rumored, a plot. However, the existence of a plot was strongly denied by all involved. This, the sixth sequel, involved someone called "Dom," played by Vin Diesel, Oscar winner, driving some cars and crashing. There were also hot girls and stunts and police, but no one even bothered suggesting there was a plot. In fact, some suspect it was actually just the same film they had watched six times before, but with some different actors and possibly a new scene or two.

The Story So Far

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about The Rapid and the Ragey.

Obviously, this is the script of a sequel, so you have to understand the story so far. This is what happened in the previous films:

  • The Fast and The Furious - Vin Diesel drives hot cars, gets with hot girls, and escapes from police. There is also talking involved. (2001)
  • 2 Fast 2 Furious - Cleverly retitled, it's a pun on the word "two." This film involves a policeman, who drives hot cars, gets with hot girls, and escapes from police. But this time, Vin Diesel doesn't show up. (2003)
  • The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift - This film goes back to the original title, but adds a subtitle, warning the moviegoers it takes place in China, even though Tokyo is in Japan: How clever. The film actually involves a Chinese person, who drives hot cars, gets with hot girls, and escapes from police. But this time, it's in China! Or Japan! (2006)
  • Fast & Furious - To emphasize the fact this film is faster and furiouser, the clever person who does the titles got rid of both "The"s. Genius. Vin Diesel is back to add some emotion to the storyline. (2009)
  • F&F: In France - Look! The title is even shorter. And we are forewarned that the film may involve French people. All movies should do that. In the actual movie, French people drive hot cars, get with hot girls and escape from police. (2011)
  • Fast, Furious and Funky! - Wow! This is an amazing prequel that takes us back to the 60s, before the hippies had been rounded up and burnt. This film shows how the old people used to live - hot cars, hot girls and escaping from police.

This is The Rapid and The Ragey. Once again, the man who thought up the titles has had more fun than the man who wrote the script.

Scene One

Hollywood, California at night. Lots of cars are revving up their engines. A race is about to start. The camera focuses on two men, standing on the sidelines.

Man 1: Man, this is the biggest race of the century. If that Tall Walker over there in the blue Nissan is beaten by Vince Diesel--
(Looks worried.)
Man 1: Ah, shit. I meant to say, er Dominic or something.
Voice From Behind Camera: (whispered) Just carry on! No one will notice. Go!
Man 1: Yeah...well...if he is beaten by Dominic, then he owes him a ten-second car.
Man 2: Yeah, I know. Woh, look a lesbian dancing girl getting horny and wearing very little!

Camera focuses on lesbian dancing girl getting horny and wearing very little.

Man 1: Hey look, two lesbian dancing girls getting hornier and wearing even less!

Camera focuses on two lesbian dancing girls getting hornier and wearing even less.

Man 2: Hey look, three lesbian dancing girls doing something outrageous whilst wearing nothing!

Camera stays put.

Man 1: (confused) Where?
Man 2: (angrily, whispered) We're supposed to imagine them. You know, acting?!
Man 1: (apologetic) Oh yeah. Wow, the race is starting! Remember, this is a big one! Very big. Important. Vin Diesel is in the yellow car...I mean Dominic!

Camera spends a long time going over the cars. They are brightly colored and stuff. We see Vin Diesel, and then the countdown flag, waved by a nearly naked girl. 3...2...1...Go! This is followed by 10 minutes of solid cars. They go round corners and overtake each other. Sometimes it gets violent and Vin Diesel looks angry. There are also stretches where they drive in a straight line. One person shunts another, who rolls over, in slow motion, in a car. This crushes a woman who was innocently walking by. Vin Diesel grins. However, at the last corner, he is overtaken by someone in another car. The remaining cars stop.

Winner: Yay! Take that! You owe me your car! Woo hoo!
Vin Diesel: Fine. Whatever. I am focusing on my acting career anyway. (He chucks over the keys and walks off into the distance).
Man 1 and Man 2: No! I can't believe it! Come back! Oh, shame.

Fade to black. The words "The Rapid and The Ragey" appear. Funky music plays.

Scene Two

Police station interior, California. A group of men in suits are sat round a table, doing intelligent things. One of them is eating a donut. There is a screen showing the faces of various people.

Sergeant: This woman died. We need to find out who killed her.
Cop: It was probably one of them street racing dudes.
Sergeant: I don't doubt it was one of them street racing dudes. But who?
Cop: Vin Diesel?
Voice from Offstage: His name is Dominic, god damn it!
Cop: Ah, crap. That's what I meant.
Sergeant: Him. Yes. (thinks, rubbing imaginary beard) We need someone to infiltrate the gang and find out who the smuggler is.
Cop 2: I thought we were looking for a killer?
Sergeant: Yeah. That's what I meant. Anyway, who will infiltrate the gang?
Cop: Me! Me! Me!

Camera suddenly shifts to focus on Cop.

Sergeant: Are you sure you can be trusted?

Close-up of Cop, who appears to be thinking hard.

Cop: No. I'm not. But I'm the only man who has been paid enough to say more than one line, and so far all the camera has been on me.

Scene Three

Vin diesel

He is a master of the subtle arts...

Vin Diesel's garage. He is cleaning a car that is already clean. A hot girl comes up behind him.

Vin Diesel: Well, hello there. I love you.
Girl: I know. I am your steady girlfriend that you have never ever cheated on.
Vin Diesel: Yes. (super subtle wink to camera). I have never cheated on you. Ever. (Another wink.)
Girl: Who the hell are you winking at?
Vin Diesel: Um...no one. (Girl shrugs). OK, fine! It's time for me to tell you the truth.

Dramatic music plays. Close-up of Vin Diesel shaking his head and doing other various acting things.

Vin Diesel: I may have cheated on you in the past.

Girl acts shocked, drops to the floor flailing her arms. Possibly over-acts slightly.

Vin Diesel: I'm sorry! I love you! (Girl runs off into distance, leaving Vin Diesel depressed. Then Cop arrives, dressed as a Driver.)
Cop/Driver: Hey! Can I join your gang?
Vin Diesel: (momentarily forgetting his heartbreak) Sure! So long as you're not a cop. Which you're not, obviously. Because you're not wearing cop clothes.

Camera close-up of Cop looking relieved. Or trying to look relieved but realising it is not in his acting repertoire.

Scene Four

Vin Diesel's garage, California.

Vin Diesel: So, now we have to fix our cars.
Man 1: But there's nothing wrong with them!
Vin Diesel: You arguing with me?
Man 1: Yes, (Vin Diesel looks angry) but only because its in the script!
Vin Diesel: Oh, alright, we're cool. Let's fix this car man. It's a Lotus Exige RXZ V12 in "Baby-Sick Yellow" with two nitro turbo boosts.
Man 2: Man, if this was a film, that would be some awesomely cheesy product placement.

(Pause).

Man 2: Oh shit, I just gave that away didn't I?

Scene Five

DieselFace

The Vin Diesel way of winning an argument against the undercover cop

USA, America. One of the many intimate and emotional scenes in between the corny street races. Vin Diesel and Cop are getting to know each other better, while preparing for the race.

Cop: So. This is the biggest race ever tonight. If you lose it, you lose everything. This is the only chance to get your girl back.
Man 1: It is?!
Vin Diesel: Yes. If I lose it, I lose everything. This is the only chance to get my girl back.
Cop: That's what I just said.
Vin Diesel: I was just reiterating the point for the benefit of the audience. Why, you got a problem with that?? (menacingly)
Cop: Not at all.
Vin Diesel: It's going to be tough. I'll be racing against the best driver in the city. But I love my girl and will do anything to get her back.
Man 1: You don't even know her proper name!
Man 2: Maybe she doesn't have a proper name. Just like us. Man, we're not even proper characters!
Vin Diesel: That doesn't matter. At least I am. I even have a back-story!
Cop: Oh really?
Vin Diesel: (reading notes written on hand) I was raised in Austin, Tex-Tex...that bit's smudged. What does that say?
Voice from Offstage: (whispered) Texas!
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah, thanks. Anyway, in Texas by my dad and older sister, but when I was 18, my dad was shot dead in a drive-by shooting. Since that day I have carried the scars of those events, and vowed to drive better than anybody else.

(Long flashback, showing pretty well everything Vin Diesel just described. Emotional music plays.)

Cop: Woh...I never knew.
Man 2: (to Cop) Didn't his sister mention it while you were fucking her?
Cop: Shh! Er, sorry Vin-Dominic..., I might have forgot to mention that. I'm doing your sister.
Vin Diesel: Don't worry. Me too.

Pause.

Man 2: Yuk.

Scene Six

Vin-diesel-sucks

A shot of one of the film's 'hardcore posing' scenes.

Hollywood, North America. The climax. Vin Diesel is revving up his engine in his car. Opposite him is another man in another car. We are supposed to apparently believe that he is the best driver the world has ever seen. The audience works this out because that is what it says on his bumper stickers, and also he is black.

Black Racer Dude: If I win this, I get your girl. And your car. And I'm going to win this. Cos I am better than you.
Vin Diesel: Don't be so sure. I'm doing this for my father. (Flashback to fill up time).
Man 1: (on sidelines) Man, this a big race. If Vin doesn't win this, he will have failed his father, and the drug barons will win.
Man 2: Don't you mean if Dom doesn't win this? And anyway, the drug barons were in the last film. It's truck hijackers now.
Man 1: No way! That was the second sequel.
Man 2: What do you mean? That was the third prequel!

(Man 1 and Man 2 dissolve into a fight. Meanwhile, a scantily clad lady waves the checkered flag and the race begins. It is a close fought thing. The race goes round corners, and even ventures up and down hills. At one point, Vin Diesel shows some facial expressions representing his position in the race. Black Racer Dude is losing, so tries some dirty tactics. However, Vin Diesel still wins!)

Vin Diesel: Yes! Now I am the Street King, and I get my girl back!

(Triumphant, orchestral, (but still hardcore) music plays. Several women start undressing in front of Vin Diesel. Black Racer Dude looks upset, then gets distracted).

Black Racer Dude: Wait, is this GTA 4: The Movie? Holy crap, I'm on the wrong set! (Exits swiftly).
Cop: (to Vin Diesel) Er...by the way, your girlfriend has just been found dead. Yeah, she was shot.
Vin Diesel: (monotone) No! How can this be? I must get my revenge, in a sequel, coming soon!
Voice from Behind Camera: Vin! Acting! Remember!
Vin Diesel: Ah, shit, I forgot again. (Loudly) I mean, NOOOOO!!! How can this be?!? I MUST get my REVENGE, in a SEQUEL, coming SOON!

Sergeant enters and starts to talk to Cop.

Cop: Er, sorry, Sergeant, your subplot was deemed way too confusing for the average IQ of our Hollywood viewer, so you were cut.

Sergeant leaves, muttering about "showing them something" and "GTA 4: The Movie".

Cop: So, we done yet?
THE END.

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