UnScripts:The Fate of Gilad Shalit

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Inside the Hamas headquaters, a blood-spattered GILAD SHALIT regains painful consciousness, to find himself tied to chair in front of which KHALED MASHAAL, leader of the Gazan Hamas, is strolling while smoking shisha.

KHALED MASHAAL: Ah! You have returned to some form of consciousness, eh, Corporal?

GILAD SHALIT: Where...where...

KHALED MASHAAL: You must forgive the roughnesses of my (gesturing single quotation marks in the air) 'colleagues', they are barbarians -they have no, er, how would you say it -chutzpah?, it grieves me to say.

GILAD SHALIT: (aroused by the mention of a Yiddish word to a lion-like grunt)Where the hell am I?

KHALED MASHAAL: Are you fond of Zahi Khammis? Such broad strokes of the brush, such masterly control. (looks at a list marked 'death to' in his hand while sighing with pleasure) Pity these works would have to be the boy's last -unless he tries harder to make it seem like the camel's speaking when he meant Muhammad (peace be upon him). (turns to GILAD SHALIT) What were you doing so far in front of your own line? What was the purpose of your obligation?

GILAD SHALIT: (As in a trance) Shalit, Gilad, Corporal, Serial Number 181818...

KHALED MASHAAL:(laughs) Oh come now, Corporal -you can do so much better than that. I mean really, so much better.

GILAD SHALIT: That's all you'll ever get out of me.

KHALED MASHAAL: Such a pity our two peoples are at war. We have so much in common, you know. We both hate pork. We both claim to have local telephone connections to God -it's cheaper in Gaza, by the way, because only DEAD Americans use it. We both use sounds like 'kh' to cast spittle over those bits of official documents we don't really want to sign, and to metaphorically throttle each other. The only difference between you Israelis and us Palestinians is that you never want to leave any land and we never have any land from which to leave. (Getting increasingly emotional)So tell me Corporal, when is the next IDF operation in Gaza going to be?

GILAD SHALIT: (a bitter laught) Do you think I know? And do you think, even if I did know, that I would tell...(looks up from the desk in front of him at KHALED MASHAAL)Yishmor HoKei!

KHALED MASHAAL: (befuddled) What is the matter, please?

GILAD SHALIT: You are...I can't believe it!

KHALED MASHAAL: You are not believing what, please?

GILAD SHALIT: You are so, so, so beautiful!

KHALED MASHAAL: (jumps back two feet) Wh-wh-what are you saying?

GILAD SHALIT: That it should happen here, and happen now! Of all times and all places! Borekh HaShem! I just can't believe it! You are the most fantastic and attractive creature I've ever laid eyes upon!

KHALED MASHAAL: (a little frightened) Now, now, now -don't play games with me, Corporal!

GILAD SHALIT: Games? This is no game (rises up impetuously, still tied to his chair). This is the realest thing that's ever happened to me! (pursues KHALED MASHAAL, who backs off rapidly) Where have you been all my life, you gorgeous darling!

KHALED MASHAAL: Sit down, Corporal!

GILAD SHALIT: (Trembling with desire, returns to original place behind the desk) Oh, your eyes light up when you're angry, did you know that?

KHALED MASHAAL: Now look...

GILAD SHALIT: So much time to make up for! I can hardly budge, I don't know even know your name...(frantically reads a nameplate on the desk) Khaled-Assam-Alaykum-Isro'el-Mashaal. Khaled. Yes I like that, Khaled.

KHALED MASHAAL: Corporal, have you taken leave of your senses?

GILAD SHALIT: Yes, yes I have! For the first time in my life, I've taken leave of my senses, and I'm loving it. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the sweetest, silliest little schnoz and the biggest, darkest eyes!

KHALED MASHAAL: Now, I am going to give you one last warning, Corporal Shalit... (foolishly turns his back on GILAD SHALIT, revealing his...)

GILAD SHALIT: (ecstatic gasps) GET THAT ARSE! Khaled, Khaled, I'll bet everything the Mossad has in their drawers that you have the cutest bum and beytsim ever.

KHALED MASHAAL: (hastily turning around) No, no, Corporal, enough! (approaches the desk behind which Shalit sits and forces a smile) Ah yes, maybe, you are playing on me with some of your Jewish senses of humour...

GILAD SHALIT: (utterly oblivious to everything said to him) Oy, that accent is so dreamy! I long to bathe in it -kiss me, Khaled-lebn, kiss me, Khaled-kron!

KHALED MASHAAL: (pounds on the desk) When is the next operation!

GILAD SHALIT: Oh who cares about the stupid little operation...

KHALED MASHAAL: (jabs finger at himself) I DO!!!!!

GILAD SHALIT: Oh alright then -Armageddon Day, 2466, by the shores of the Dead Sea. But that doesn't matter! What matters is that we've found each other!

KHALED MASHAAL: (Grins evilly) Armageddon Day, 2466, by the shores of the Dead Sea. Hamdulilah, that He should bring such glory into my lifetime, and through my hands!

GILAD SHALIT: (impatiently) Yes...now Khaleleh, don't you think that deserves a kiss?

KHALED MASHAAL: (condescendingly, but seemingly with a disturbing amount of experience) Well, maybe just a little one. (leans towards GILAD SHALIT as he burns with passion, but KHALED MASHAAL then commits a fatal mistake) Pray for the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), Jew.

GILAD SHALIT: I PRAY THAT THE BONES OF THE FALSE PROPHET BE GROUND TO DUST! (All his former yearning gone, he springs up and hits KHALED MASHAAL with his best Jew-Jitsu kick, resulting in a Star-of-David bruise forming immediately on KHALED MASHAAL's forehead)

(Enter HAMAS MINIONS ONE AND TWO, both sporting prominent Star-of-David bruises on their foreheads)

HAMAS MINION ONE: That's how we got our badges too, Sheikh Mashaal.

HAMAS MINION TWO: Yeah, at first we thought the Jew was simply desperate because he won't be getting seventy-two virgins in Paradise, but then we realised that this is actually how the IDF recruits new soldiers -even in Israel, which doesn't exist so cannot have a defence force!

GILAD SHALIT: Schmendriks! You all want to be mushahiddin, but you can't even bear witness to knowing the language of your god! I hope you won't be asking for seventy two virgins each at the gates of Gulistan and Bostan -Sodomstan, more like. You obviously can't even read Arabic -it's written from right to left, not the other way round! Did George Bush teach you that as well? Read from right to left, there's no mention of seventy-two virgins! You only get one virgin, she's seventy-two years old, and she's offered to everyone -woman, man, goat, everyone.

KHALED MASHAAL: (devastated) Oh how could you be so cruel to me after everything you have done! You have destroyed the foundation of my faith!

GILAD SHALIT: (eyes KHALED MASHAAL slyly) Oh well, my offer still stands, Khaled-habibi. (starts singing) When the Truth is found to be lies, and all the heart within you dies, don't you need somebody to love... don't you need somebody to love...

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