UnScripts:The Creature of Planet Cheese

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Cheesy1
Original lobby card, 1955

The Creature of Planet Cheese
an UnScript by Thinker St. James
©1953 Semi-National Films

Act I: Harry's Discovery

NARRATOR: Throughout the years, man has longed to know what life lies on other planets. Are there monsters? She devils? Celebrities? No man can say who or what dwells on the planets beyond our galaxy and Milky Way. That is, until the epic discovery of one brave soldier; a pillar of human achievement, Mr. Harry Charmemall. Why, we're just in time to witness one of science's greatest achievements...

INT. DR. JARNIN'S LAB - NIGHT

Harry bursts through the door

HARRY: I've got it!

JARNIN: (startled) Wha wha wha wha?

HARRY: Yes doctor! (holds up test tube) DON'T YOU SEE!

JARNIN: What in God's green name are you yelling about Harold?! Is your mother ill?

HARRY: Doctor, listen to me. I believe I've finally found it. Here, within this vial, is a substance that will allow us to travel to... OUTER SPACE!

JARNIN: (confused) Whaaa? Space? How could this possibly be happening?!

HARRY: Doctor, it's THIS!

camera zooms in on test tube

HARRY (CONT'D): Trimulganoid Polycarboninium! The most powerful jet fuel on the planet!

JARNIN: How powerful did you say?!

HARRY: The MOST!

JARNIN: I say GOD DAMN!

Act II: Readying the Ship

Cheesy2
Harry gazes at the moon of the Cheese Planet, lamenting the newly revealed loss of Dr. Jarnin

INT. SPACESHIP - DAY

Harry and the crew gear up for take off

PHIL: Wow gang, can you believe its been 3 years since Harry found that Trimulganoid Polycarboninum? And that we're actually going into space? And isn't it also a shame that Dr. Jarnin died?

RANDY: Ha HA! Yes Phil, we're all very concerned. And I wasn't laughing about Dr. Jarnin, that's sad. Mike, is the deck ready for take off?

MIKE: Um...yes.

RANDY: Splendid. Harry, we good to go?

HARRY: Baby, we were born to run.

PHIL: BLAST OFF!

HARRY, RANDY, MIKE (IN UNISON): YOU FORGOT THE COUNTDOWN!!!

Ship blasts off at a noticeably fast rate, incinerating the preflight crew which hasn't cleared the launchpad

Cut to the control tower

MAN AT CONTROL CONSOLE: Hah, damn it Harry, won't you ever learn?

Act III: Welcome to Planet Cheese

INT. SPACESHIP - DAY

The crew crash lands in a lake of liquid nacho cheese

HARRY: Men, stay back! No one can say what grave dangers this strange planet holds for us. As you saw on our many dials, knobs and computers, we are many light years from Earth!

PHIL: Yes, you're right Harry.

MIKE: Aw, I'm not scared in the slightest! I'm from Texas!

Mike opens the ship's exit hatch

MIKE: AAAAHHH!!!!

Mike is attacked by a cheese creature

RANDY: HOLY CRAB APPLES! SHUT THAT HATCH!!

Rsxm13
A cheese monster?! OH SNAP!

Phil and Harry close the hatch

HARRY: What in the hell was that?!

PHIL: Whatever he was, he sure looked mean! And creamy!! Mean and creamy! (Would look good on a cracker?)

RANDY: Whatever it is, its a good thing Harry brought the Atom Destablizer Raygun, right Harry?

HARRY: I told YOU to pack those!!!!

PHIL: Oh. Dear. God!!

Act IV: Preparing the Attack

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

RANDY: Well, its night time now. Phil, check to see if they're gone.

PHIL: Anything for the team!

Phil exits, is attacked by a cheese creature

PHIL: AAAAHHH!!!

RANDY: DAMN IT PHIL!!!!

HARRY: There is only one way to do this thing Randy. We need to do this thing head on.

RANDY: HEAD ON?! Are you INSANE?!

HARRY: I loved Dr. Jarnin, Randy. And I loved Phil kinda also. You think I'm insane? Well damn it I just might be. But I'm goin' out there, and I'm takin' those bastards on RIGHT NOW!

RANDY: I'm with you, you wonderful sonofabitch.

Act V: Showdown

Cheesy4
One of many effects shots which proved too costly for inclusion in the film

INT. SPACESHIP - STILL NIGHT

Randy and Harry rummage through the ship for supplies

HARRY: What'd you find Randy?

RANDY: A bottle opener, some toothpicks, and my all-in-one spray-on conditioner spray.

HARRY: HAIR SPRAY! That's it! Randy, if you were a beautiful woman with long, silky hair and a firm bosom I'd kiss you!

RANDY: If we weren't about to die I'd be a little freaked out right now, Harry...

HARRY: Don't you see! The hair spray will dissolve the cheese! We're on a planet made of cheese!!

RANDY: How do you know the hairspray will kill the cheese??!?!!

HARRY: I, my friend, am a hero.

Harry bursts through the exit hatch

HARRY: EAT SPRAY CHEESE DICKS!!!

Harry sprays the conditioner on hundreds of oncoming cheese monsters

HARRY: Randy! I need more spray!!!

RANDY: Oh, I got your spray. Locked, and loaded.

Randy exits the hatch with an aerosol can in each hand, and two in his belt

HARRY: Almost thought you weren't comin', brother!

RANDY: What? and miss the party of the century?

Randy sprays indiscriminately, dousing monster after monster

Act VI: Aftermath

Cheesy3
Concept/publicity art, 1953 and 1956 (respectively)

INT. SPACESHIP - MID DAY

PHIL: Jeeze Randy and Harry, its so amazing that you battled all of those cheese creatures in such a heroic and daring manner!!

HARRY: Well, I couldn't have done it without Randy's help, Phil.

RANDY: That's right Phil. So next time someone tells you to look out an unfamiliar exit hatch, what're you going to say?

PHIL: Ya happen to have a spare Atom Destablizer Raygun handy?

HARRY, RANDY, PHIL (IN UNISON): HA HA HA HA!!!

PHIL: By the way Harry, didn't you save Mike also when you rescued me from the mighty Cheese Fortress?

HARRY: No, unfortunately he died.

HARRY, RANDY, PHIL (IN UNISON): HA HA HA HA HA!!!


THE END

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