UnScripts:The Absurd Committee

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The novel The Absurd Committee is also available in paperback.

Prologue

O o
The Absurd Committee's logo. It is worn as a patch sewn onto clothing near the fly.

Absurd

1: ridiculously unreasonable, unsound, or incongruous <an absurd argument>

2: having no rational or orderly relationship to human life

We as English speakers often say the word absurd when remarking on a situation or event that is ridiculous. It is not exactly a common word, but it also is not an uncommon word. However, supposedly absurd things happen in life every second. People killing each other over prime real estate, administrations starting wars that are needless, the Duck-Billed Platypus. Unfortunately, those things aren't even close to true absurdity. Absurd is when people kill each other over prime ribs, administrations starting wars with needle-leafed trees, or the stingy Dollar-Billed Platypus.

There once was a committee that dealt with all things absurd. They were some of the most absurd humans in existence and they made it their purpose to spread absurdity wherever possible. They deemed themselves the "Absurd Committee."


The Absurd Committee was a monthly multicultural gathering of individuals discussing issues of and relating to Absurdity. This committee was put together by the leading Absurdists in the field of Absurdity. The committee was comprised of a white man known as Iya DeMan, a Chinese man Chugga Chu-Chu, a robust Indian male named Hassa Buddha-Bellie, a black guy called R.U. Mahnigga, Winona Ryder, another female Dr. Igotzta P. Baad, and committee head Judge Dooda Macarena who was Hispanic. In order to best represent what the Absurd Committee was all about, you will be taken through their final meeting in dialog from. From this point forward, moments of AbSuRdItY O_o will be spelled like "AbSuRdItY O_o" to emphasize the AbSuRdItY O_o.

Act I: Let's Get Together and listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Yyy
Maa ahh aaa aaa ahh aa...STOP SNIFFING ME!


We will now peer into the final Absurd Committee meeting. Absurd Committee meetings were regularly held at absurd O_o times of the day in absurd O_o locations. It was not uncommon for a meeting to be held behind a garbage can, inside a prison cell, or during mass. This particular meeting was held at 13:37 A.M. in Judge Dooda Macarena's pants. Yes his pants. Do not ask for an explanation on how 6 fully grown adults can manage to fit into 1 man's pants. It's aBsUrD O_o.


(Guitar Rifs in the background)

Wait... they don't love you like I love you. Wait, they don't love you like I love you. Maa ha aah Maa ha ahh Maa ha ahh Ma ha ahhps wait. They don't love you like I love you !

Honorable Judge Macarena: (Wipes tear from face)


Igotzta P. Baad: Judge, are you crying?


Honorable Judge Macarena: It's my favorite song.


Hassa Buddha-Bellie: AbSuRd O_o.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Meeting has commenced. Everybody take your seats.

(Meeting participants stare at each other puzzlingly)


R.U. Mahnigga: With all due respect sir, what seats?


Honorable Judge Macarena: Oh I forgot myself there for a moment. There are no chairs in here, my pants. Unlike last month when our meeting was held in between my wife's breasts where there were plenty of chairs to be found. Just sit on my kneecap.

(Everybody is seated)


Honorable Judge Macarena: So the first order of the day. A discussion of aBsUrD O_o things that we have done or observed over the past month. Iya DeMan. We'll start with you, because you're the ugliest here today.


Iya Deman: And thank you for commenting on my looks you burrito eating bastard. I remind you yet again, my grass is long and in definite need of a trim. But on with it. Last Wednesday as I was walking my cat, I came to a startling realization; I'm a woman. So every night now while my wife sleeps, I creep into the bathroom wearing my wife's panties, stockings, high heels and pink bra and I strut my stuff in front of the mirror.


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o is your story, as are your jokes. Especially considering I'm not even Mexican. My Latin American country of origin is Antarctica.


Chugga Chu-Chu: Judge Macarena your knowledge of geography or lack there-of is aBsUrD O_o. As I was doing my taxes two Thursdays ago, I myself came to a startling realization. I do not know how to do math. I did the only rational thing one can do in this situation: I ate my W-2 form. Problem solved.


Honorable Judge Macarena: An Asian person who can't solve math problems. Truly aBsUrD O_o. Do Continue.


Hassa Buddha-Bellie: Ah well, onto my observation. Yesterday as I was eating a light snack on my patio when I noticed something odd. My neighbor was cleaning out his gutters like people tend to do this time of year, but, my neighbor, well he... he wasn't wearing any pants. This wasn't the odd part. Perhaps he didn't see me outside or just plain forgot about it, but, he has a tattoo of me and him in a sweet embrace, tongues in each other's mouths, on his left arse cheek. I think he has a wife. I have never even spoken to my neighbor. Perhaps this is why.


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRdItY O_o defined! Mr Mahnigga, you shall go next.

Pants 20051022
"Everybody hop in"


R.U. Mahnigga: Well yes. Three weeks ago I was pulled over. I don't know why. Perhaps because I was doing 120 in a 25 mph school zone at 3 P.M. on a weekday. But, to escape personal responsibility for my actions, let's just say I was pulled over because I was black. The police officer walks up to my window and greets me with a "howdy." I replied with "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PEOPLE!?!?" The officer tells me to calm down but I quickly countered with "CALM DOWN?!? LIKE HOW YOU FUCKERS TOLD RODNEY KING TO CALM DOWN WHILE YOU SODOMIZED HIM WITH AN UMBRELLA?!" He responds "That was Abner Louima and it was a broom-stick." I screamed "AAAAH!! DON'T TAZE ME BRO!" He wrote me a ticket and sent me on my way. Fucking racist pigs.


Honorable Judge Macarena: R.U., your purveyance of black victimization is truly aBsUrD O_o. Now before we move on with our next segment, does anyone have any other story to share?


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: OOO OOO ME ME ME ME!!


Honorable Judge Macarena: Yes Dr. Baad.


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: I have to use the restroom.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Well, just pee on my leg then. Now we shall...


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: NO NO! I have a story. Well six days ago I witnessed the greatest miracle on earth. The miracle of childbirth. This woman, breathing hard and covered in sweat was rushed into the emergency room fully dilated. She was going to deliver right then and there. The first baby came out with just a few pushes. But then I took a peek into her birth canal and noticed there was MORE. I instinctively knew it was game time. I ran to grab my football helmet, shoulder pads, cleats, shin pads and mouth guard and got ready for the Superbirth. With a loud "HUUUAAAHUUU" from the mother, the first baby came flying out of the vagina. I made the grab and ran for it before one of the nurses tackled me for a first down. Next baby came out right after hike and I caught this one but failed to make any significant yardage. Another baby flew out so fast I couldn't handle the slippery demon and fumbled it. It fell to the floor with a loud thud. Ooops. It seemed that all of OBGYN fell into silence. I got the hell out of there. I'm not even a real "doctor". I got my Doctorate's degree in basket weaving. Thankfully staying at a Holiday Inn hotel the night before prepared me for that difficult situation..sort of.


R.U. Mahnigga: Wow.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Indeed that was truly aBsUrD O_o.

Act II Further Our Agenda

Elephant
At this point it had already eaten the banner. Elephant advertising will NOT catch on.

Judge Dooda Macarena always had designated a portion of Absurd Committee meetings dedicated to brainstorming ideas on how to educate the masses on the usefulness of aBsUrDiTy O_o. One meeting they had managed to create a colorful banner and attached it to a fully grown African Elephant which they let loose from a local zoo into rush hour traffic. The banner read "Which is more AbSuRd, your daily routine slaving to the man for 8 hours a day for negligible pay or this elephant ramming into your Ford Escape?" The campaign was ruled as a failure due to the fact people hardly had time to laugh at irony while they were running for their lives. In this meeting they were going to be a little smarter: Target the children.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Okay so we all remember how last month's elephant plan worked out.


Winona Ryder: It didn't work out at all.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Oh miss Ryder, glad you could make it this month.


Winona Ryder: Yes I just made it back from...shopping.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Oh and what did you buy?


Winona Ryder: Oh you know just some clothes. Some nice handbags a couple outfits 22 of them some shoes and a hat.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Oh and about how much did all that co...


Winona Ryder: Nothing. I'm a star. I get..free. I get stuff for free. Cause I'm a star. And that's why I get free stuff. Cause of my stariness and what-not.


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: (whispering to Hassa Buddha-Bellie) I thought they said she changed her ways...


Honorable Judge Macarena: Right, so now that we know what doesn't work let's talk about what does work. Major companies when advertising toys target the children with their commercials so that they can guilt trip their parents out of 60 dollars for a stupid fucking remote controlled car they play with for 24 hours and toss aside!!! (Clears throat) Excuse me. Yes well, the best way for us to spread the principles of AbSuRdItY O_o is to make ads targeting children so that they annoy the shit out of their moms and dads explaining for minutes on end the fundamentals of the AbSuRdItY principle. Any suggestions for implementation?


Iya DeMan: We should make banners that say things such as "To be or not to be stung by a wasp in the eye? That is the question" and then wrap the kids in banners like a gyro and have them march in a parade.

Rousselweb732733td3
This man flashes the classic "O_o" symbol as a facial tattoo.

Honorable Judge Macarena: That sounds like an excellent idea! Other suggestions?


Chugga Chu-Chu: I've got an even better idea. We bombard them with ads. We raise a substantial amount of money and just inundate them with ads from all angles. On the internet, on billboards, on cars, on their parents' foreheads, on T.V. Even when they open their geometry textbooks BLAM right in their face. A pop-up ad for the College of Absurdism.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Tremendous ideas so far.


R.U. Mahnigga:Hold up. If we want to be targeting children we got to start early like in the WOMB. I say we start making milk shakes or something and then sell those shakes to pregnant women. These women drink these shakes and it travels though the placenta right? Well then the babies become hooked on the shakes because their mothers drink them and there's cocaine in the shakes. The babies come out craving these shakes and go to the place where the shakes are made. These places will look like fast food joints only once they get in one of these restaurants we have developed a light atmosphere that makes the kids feel comfortable and show them propaganda films of AbSuRdIsTs O_o in action!


Honorable Judge Macarena: Brilliant!


Wynona Ryder: We should like, do kiddy stuff and stuff for them and stuff. We could like, dress up in costumes and give them hugs and stuff and do AbSuRdIsT O_o puppet shows...and stuff.


Honorable Judge Macarena:Good stuff.


Hassa Buddha-Bellie:Alright, we used this type of persuasion in my home country of India. We hire a bunch of adults who look like kids to go to school and act like bullies. We have these bullies bully the kids and generally make their life a living hell. But, then we hire these other adults who also look like kids, I think they call them the midgets here in this country? Anyway, these other adults who look like kids step up and protect the kids from the bullies and be-friend them. Then these adults who look like kids have an easy time converting them to the Church of AbSuRuDiSm O_o because you know, they convince the real kids they were getting bullied because they hadn't accepted the half-eaten apple core as their personal savior.

Committee-1
Dr Baad's hand "slips" while the committee brainstorms. R.U.is rightfully appalled.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Fantastic ideas everyone. That should be enough brain-storming for now. Next meeting we will put everything in place.

Act III The AbSuRd O_o Activity Of The Day

Every meeting, Judge Dooda Macarena organized a fun activity for all Absurd Committee members to participate in. Of course these activities were absolutely downright aBsUrD O_o. One time, the committee learned how to communicate in sign language with blind people. Another time, fire marshals taught the Absurd Committee members the importance of learning the stop, droll, and roll technique when they were all set on fire. This meeting, Judge Macarena put together an obstacle course.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Alright here's what is going down. I've put together an obstacle course. You must all walk across this tightrope here. There is a twist. The tightrope is suspended 40 feet in the air, is 25 feet to the other side and underneath is 30 five foot long death spikes protruding from shallow piranha infested waters. 3 giant turbine engines will be running as you cross, attempting to blow you off course. You must wear a backpack full off bee hives that will be partially unzipped and a sweatshirt made of sewing needles. The tightrope will be set on fire so you only have about 40 seconds to get to other other side before it burns through and you fall to your death. You will be blindfolded. Any questions?


Chugga Chu-Chu: This is aBsUrD O_o!!


Honorable Judge Macarena: Yes, this is also the Absurd Committee.


Winona Ryder: Can I leave!?!?


Honorable Judge Macarena: You just got here!


Igotzta P. Baad: (Sobbing) We're all going to die!


Honorable Judge Macarena: Probably. Yes. (Looks at obstacle course) Oh you know what? I forgot to buy the tightrope and death spikes... and the turbines. I also forgot the water and piranhas too. I've got the bee-hives but not the backpacks. Hmm. We aren't going to have enough time to do this activity then. We shall skip to our final meeting segment.

Act IV The AbSuRd O_o Off

Yvette martinez2
News lady suddenly realizing she is no longer on the air.

Every AbSuRd Committee meeting concluded with an epic aBsUrD O_o off. This was basically a freestyle aBsUrDiTy O_o competition between committee members akin to rap battling, only this was a melee instead of a one-on one battle. These aBsUrD O_o offs tended to attract much attention as they were always held in public domains such as school playgrounds, cafeterias, construction sights, during weddings, during funerals, and Lollapalooza. This time as it was already approaching dawn, the AbSuRdIsTs O_o left the confines of Judge Dooda Macarena's pants and had an aBsUrD O_o off in the channel 5 newsroom just in time for the morning news live.

(Especially Corny news music leads off into broadcast)

News Anchor: Good Morning. This is the Channel Five Crack-of-Dawn update. I'm some random white lady telling you stuff. A male in his early 20's was burned to death last night when he attempted to pee out a bon-fire that had grown out of control. Police say alcohol was likely involved in...


(Broadcast suddenly cuts off. Camera switches to Jude Dooda Macarena)


Honorable Judge Macarena:Good morning! Welcome to 34th monthly AbSuRd O_o off. I just high-jacked this live camera and stuffed the hog-tied camera man into a broom closet. (Camera man's muffled screams heard faintly) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Now. Every time something aBsUrD O_o is said, I will yell AbSuRd O_o indicating they have gained a point. Now, let's get into that freestyle cipher of aBsUrDiTy O_o!


Winona Ryder: WOO!!


Honorable Judge Macarena: BEGIN!


Hassa Buddha-Bellie: Nothing matches! None of my clothes match. Not my socks, not my gloves, not my contact lenses, not my underwear and bra for my man boobs NOTHING! I frequently go to formal occasions looking like a flag!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o


Chugga Chu-Chu: I eat Lo Mein with a SPOON, ice cream with a KNIFE and carve turkey with the NAIL ON MY INDEX FINGER which I haven't cut in over eight years!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!!


R.U. Mahnigga: I FUCKING HATE WHITE PEOPLE! They all smell. They're stupid, they smell, they're oversexed, have huge penises, 25% of their males are in prison they don't take care of their kids, half of their teeth are false, the other half are GOLD, they smell, they spend all their money on rims, they revel in being hos, gangsters and pimps, love fried chicken and live in the GHETTO! Plus they smell. Worst of all they're BLACK!


Chugga Chu-Chu: Wait...what?


Iya DeMan: I burned a cross on R.U.'s lawn once and he doesn't know it was me.


R.U. Mahnigga: YOU FUCKER!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!!!


Winona Ryder: I LIKE TAKING THINGS WITHOUT PAYING! IT'S SUCH A RUSH! It increases the blood flow to my genital regions. .


Honorable Judge Macarena: WTF was that shit?! Winona, you lose a turn. O_o


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: I may in fact have a penis!


R.U. Mahnigga: You mean you don't know!?!?


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: Nope!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!


Hassa Buddha-Bellie: I regularly teabag a cup of boiled water in the morning! IT BURNS!


Chugga Chu-Chu: ME LOVE YOU LONG FUCKING TIME!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!!!!


R.U. Mahnigga: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE!


Iya DeMan: I love black people. No, I really love black people. I keep like six of them as sex slaves in my CLOSET!


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!!!


Winona Ryder: KLEPTOMANIACS UNITE!!

Winona-ryder-photos-032008-06
"I have something in my pocket that doesn't belong to me aho hoy!"


Honorable Judge Macarena: I already said you lost your turn!


Winona Ryder: You also lost your virginity...to me....annaly.


Honorable Judge Macarena: FUCKING AbSuRd O_o!! And just for the record that never happened.


Winona Ryder: Yay! A point!


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: Winona's got a YEAST infection. Considering the length and width of her vagina, she easily could open up a bakery. How you like them apples?


Honorable Judge Macarena: AbSuRd O_o!!!


Winona Ryder: Pssht. Back in biblical times, Jesus was short on bread and fish and had to feed a shit load of people. So he grabbed Igotzta by the tits and said to her "Look, we have to feed these people. I got the bread covered. You're going to have to spread your legs and fan the air around your groin, making people think there's a bunch of fish out here." Summer's Eve notwithstanding! How you like them apples?


Dr. Igotzta P. Baad: You BITCH! I'M GOING TO FUCKING CUT OFF YOUR NIPPLES!!


Honorable Judge Macarena: Exceedingly aBsUrD O_o !!!


R.U. Mahnigga: I once accidentally called my father SON!


Iya DeMan: I once purposefully called my son FATHER!


Honorable Judge Macarena: That's aBsUrD! O_o


Iya DeMan: AbSuRd O_o is what your mother said last night after I CAME ALL OVER HER FACE!


Honorable Judge Macarena: I find this hard to believe, considering my mother's DEAD!!


Iya DeMan: What? Really?!?! Well then who did I...


Honorable Judge Macarena: She had red curly hair and crusty lips right?


Iya DeMan: Yeah...


Honorable Judge Macarena: That was um... my daughter who's 15.


Iya DeMan: Whoa. Oops.


Honorable Judge Macarena: Haha.


Iya DeMan: Well don't take this the wrong way sir, but, she knows how to please a man...


Honorable Judge Macarena: Yea I know.


Iya DeMan: What do you mean you KNOW?? You mean you've...


Honorable Judge Macarena: ....


Entire Committee: ....


Whole Newsroom: ....


TV Viewers at Home: ....


You: ....


Honorable Judge Macarena: Oh boy...


Chris Hansen From Dateline NBC: Mr. Macarena, why don't you have a seat over there.


(Cameras cut off)

Epilogue

And that was end of the Absurd Committee. Considering they dwelled in the realm of Absurdity, one might find it hard to believe they still had standards of decency. Alas, decency standards they did in fact have. After their head committee leader became undone on national T.V., all committee members saw fit to forget about absurdity altogether and move on with their lives. Bet you didn't expect them to end that way, huh?

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