UnScripts:SuperSkye: The Goddamned Movie
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SuperSkye: The Goddamned Movie was a 2002 movie adaption of the incomplete but nonetheless then-popular video game SuperSkye. The original title was planned to simply be SuperSkye, but this was later stretched out into SuperSkye: The Movie so that confusion with the game could be effectively avoided. When the film was sent to the MPAA for a rating, its only comment was "Somebody made a movie out of this shit? Somebody had the bright idea to turn SuperSkye into a goddamned movie?" After this, the title was extended once more to its final name, SuperSkye: The Goddamned Movie. The film is rated R, due to an overabundance of stupidity that they didn't want children's childhoods to be ruined by.
The film tells the story of young college student Reese Daavidson and his friend Paul Lonagan, who decide to move to a planet called Skaylia to meet girls. There, they meet the three Hounouran Whirl Girls: Skye, Holly, and Amandine, with whom they must battle an evil robot known as Zyclon. The film was far from a success, despite a bit of a cult following it received, and it was eventually banned from the world. You'll still hear snide jokes being made about it on the streets.
SuperSkye: The Goddamned Movie
- Sir Patrick Hounourannus
- Sir Winston Whirlapricius
- Reese Daavidson - Michael Sheen
- Paul Lonagan - Chris Hemsworth
- Skye Electra - Olivia Wilde
- Holly Glacool - AnnaSophia Robb
- Amandine McAmandarus - Beau Garrett
- Voice of Zyclon - James Rolfe
- Voice of the annoying starship - Jerry Springer
- Cop in the car that got totaled toward the film's beginning - Jesse Williams
- Unfortunate man on bike - Andre the Giant
- Reese's roommate - Leonardo diCaprio
- Phil Collins - himself
- Man that got shot - Horatio Sanz
- Waving man seen in background of every third scene - Wyatt Cenac
Act 1: From College to New Zealand
The scene opens with the camera panning around a very nasty-looking college, riddled with graffiti bearing messages such as "I like cheese", "MAGOKBAU", and "Pride cometh before the fall". All the while, the credits are being shown, even though they're going to be shown again at the end of the movie. But since all movies do that, it simply had to be done. Eventually, we see Reese in his dorm, fervently sketching something.
Reese's Roommate: What are you sketching, Reese?
Reese: A naked girl.
RR: Reese, you've been obsessed with girls WAY too much lately.
R: Of course I have been! I need a girlfriend, you know!
RR: Come on, Reese! It's not that hard to get a girlfriend! I've got one.
R: That's because you're Leonardo diCaprio.
Several producers run out onto the set and begin to angrily lecture Reese about breaking the fourth wall. After he agrees, the conversation continues.
R: There's not a girl on this planet that would like me, Leo... er, Michael. Your name is Michael, isn't it? But yeah. I'm hopeless.
Strange voice: Then maybe you need one that's NOT on this planet!
Paul enters the room in a display of pyrotechnics and laser lights.
R: No way! It's Paul Lonagan!
Paul: Well, who were you expecting? Chris Hemsworth?
The producers give Paul a talk about the fourth wall and how it should ideally not be broken. Paul snaps at them, and soon a fist fight breaks out. At this point, the film cuts. Ten minutes of blackness accompanied by Genesis's "Supper's Ready", designed to make people leave the theater, ensues. After this is over, Reese and Paul find themselves flying through a technicolor tunnel of poorly-budgeted CGI.
R: Where are we?
P: I don't know, dude! But this reminds me of when I did 2 acid pills at the same time!
R: You did that?
The tunnel spits them out onto a strange planet, which is really New Zealand. All movies are filmed in New Zealand.
R: Whoa, man, it's New Zealand!
The producers run out again, angrier than ever.
P: Oh no, man! It's those producers! They followed us here! Let's beat it, man!
R: Run! They're gaining on us!
P: I think it would be better to hide. Where in New Zealand could we hide from a bunch of angry producers?
R: Maybe behind that pole?
P: Yeah! Let's hide behind that pole, man! Nobody's gonna see us there!
Reese and Paul hide behind the pole, which requires them to take awkward positions.
R: Hey, stop breathing down my neck!
P: I can't! Then we'd be seen! It's not easy hiding behind a pole, you know!
R: Look, they're gone!
P: Alright, man! Let's go explore this dump!
Act 2: The Double-Sided Undershirt and the Spurious Signage of Gazmagog
Reese and Paul have been stranded in New Zealand for two days. They are beginning to feel like the only way out is to kill themselves somehow.
P: Dude, we should commit suicide. Life has a lot less meaning here in New Zealand than it did back in Canada.
R: Canada? We were going to college in the United States, man!
P: But it was in Maine! Close enough!
R: But yet so far!
P: You're an idiot, Reese.
R: You're an idiot, Paul.
P: Our lives have no meaning.
R: Let's kill ourselves.
P: With what?
R: Oh... yeah.
P: What's gonna be for dinner tonight?
R: Wallaby meat. When is it ever not wallaby meat? There's nothing here to eat but wallabies.
P: No, man, they're kangaroos. There are no wallabies in New Zealand.
R: What's the difference!?
Reese begins to trudge off, feeling dejected.
P: Reese! Wait! I have an idea! What do you use to kill the wal... kangaroos? If it can kill them, it can kill us!
R: I don't use anything. I strangle them.
P: Dude, let's strangle each other!
As Reese and Paul begin to strangle each other, three girls riding huge kangaroos appear in front of them. They immediately let go of each others' necks.
R: Whoa, dude, those chicks are hot!
Skye: I am Skye Electra. I am the leader of the Hounouran Whirl Girls, a top-secret organization created to combat the evil Zyclon.
R: Are you single?
Holly: She isn't, but I am. I'm Holly Glacool. Nice to meet you.
Amandine: And I'm Amandine McAmandarus. Also single, if it matters to you.
P: Are you gonna take us in or something?
S: If you really want us to. Just get on behind one of us.
R: Whoa! Thanks, babes! And those kangaroos are totally awesome!
S: These aren't kangaroos. They're wallabies. There are no kangaroos in New Zealand, only wallabies.
R: What did I tell you?
P: Shut up! And by the way, I call sitting behind that hot girl with the blue hair!
The Hounouran Whirl Girls take Reese and Paul to a large city made out of lots of very shiny chrome and brushed concrete. A huge sign besides it reads "
New Zealand Skaylia (Yes, this is Skaylia)".
S: This is our home.
R: You live here?
S: No. We own the entire city.
Skye, Holly, and Amandine get off of their kangaroos along with Reese and Paul. They begin to walk into the very overly modern-looking city.
P: So, what were you guys saying about the evil guy?
S: Zyclon. He is the ultimate evil. He is also voiced by James Rolfe.
Everyone shudders. Someone with an electric guitar plays a long, sustained minor chord, and a tumbleweed blows by in the background. All of a sudden, the producers return, angry that Skye has broken the fourth wall.
R: It's them! They're back!
A: Oh no! It's some of Zyclon's servants!
P: Wait... The producers work for Zyclon? Zyclon was making this movie the whole time?
R: This is a movie?!
A convoy of cop cars drive onto the set, because admitting you're in a movie in a movie is the worst fourth wall crime anyone can make.
A: AND the cops!
S: Let's blast them up!
A fight scene ensues, in which Skye, Holly, and Amandine begin to blast the cops and the producers with laser guns. More cop cars get totaled than at the end of the Blues Brothers, and the city is a mess by the time it's done. All the while, Reese and Paul are talking about which parts of their lives are real and which are lies.
H: There. That's the last of them.
Evil voice: ZHAHAHAHAHAH!
P: Oh, crap! What's that?
S: It's Zyclon! He's coming!
R: What do we do?
A: Help us fight.
R: With what?
A: This double-sided undershirt. Put it on!
Reese throws the shirt on, and he immediately floats up into the air, blasting white light beams out of his eyes.
R: Whoa! I've got superpowers!
P: Why is it always Reese? Why can't it be me?
S: Come on! Let's go fight Zyclon!
Act 3: The Anticlimatic Fight Between the Hounouran Whirl Girls and Zyclon, the Ultimate Evil to End All Ultimate Evils
At random, Reese, Paul, and the HWG's teleport from where they were into a gigantic field of black, empty space, around which images of Morgan Freeman's face are floating aimlessly around. Reese finds that he cannot control himself in zero gravity and promptly loses his lunch.
R: Dude, I just lost my lunch!
P: No duh! We're in space!
R: With a bunch of Morgan Freemans! And look, who's that robot dude!
P: It's Zyclon!
Zyclon: I will destroy all the wallabies in the known universe.
S: You can't do that!
H: That's animal cruelty!
A: Better move out of the way before we blast you to bits.
Z: I move out of the way of no one!
Zyclon doesn't move out of the way. The Hounouran Whirl Girls blast him to bits.
A: Yeah! We just blasted Zyclon to bits!
Zyclon's Voice: You destroyed my body, but you have not destroyed my SOUL! Now you must fight my soul in the land of the soulless!
Act 4: The Battle Against Zyclon's Soul in the Land of the Soulless
They are teleported again, at random, to another strange new world, which is filled with the bodies of dead gingers. Giant bottles of ginger ale are blocking the way out. The only thing growing is ginger root. The air even smells like ginger. It is the most soulless place that could ever possibly exist.
R: Whoa, dude! This is the Land of the Soulless!
A: Where the heck is Zyclon's soul?
P: Hey, look over there!
Zyclon, who is now in his true form, has appeared. Lasers are blasting out of his eyes.
Z: This is my true form!
H: Let's kick his butt.
Z: No! I'll kick YOUR butt, you little motherfuckers! I've played a lot of shitty games in this suckish fuckin' life of mine, but nothing I've ever laid my eyes on is more fuckin' stupid than you, you goddamn bitches! Now I'm gonna blow the fuck outta you!
The most epic imaginable fight then takes place between Zyclon and the Hounouran Whirl Girls. This is the most insane and impossibly long boss fight to ever go down in the history of ever. Dark Bowser lost his dark matter lunch. Wesker committed suicide by shoving a brick down his throat. The One-Winged Angel shit his pants. The Eye of Sauron closed because it was too fuckin' scared to watch. Everything in the known world is constantly being repeatedly destroyed and then reintegrated. It is the most amazing and earth-shattering battle to take place in the history of history itself.
But eventually the Hounouran Whirl Girls win.
H: WE DID IT!
A: THE ANGRY VID... er, ZYCLON IS DEAD!
Act 5: The Awkward Scenes Which Took Place After the Fight With Zyclon
S: Thanks for helping us defeat Zyclon.
R: All we did was watch.
S: In that case, we're all done with you. Just get out. Shoo!
P: Don't we get kisses or anything?
S: GET. OUT.
A: I still think you're cute, Paul.
S: What did you just say, Amandine?
A: I said that James Madison was the fourth president of the United States.
S: The United States DOESN'T EXIST!
Skye pulls out her laser gun and shoots Amandine.
S: Now, you two, just leave.
R: Whoa, you don't have to get so worked up about it,
S: I asked you to LEAVE.
Reese and Paul begin to run. They run out of the city, they run across New Zealand, and they run across the ocean, during which they are attacked by a shark and fall unconscious. When they wake back up, they are in the middle of a green meadow, completely naked, with Morgan Freeman.
Morgan Freeman: This is how the story ends, folks. Though this may not seem like a consistent and appropriate ending to a story like this, that's not what matters. It also doesn't matter that it didn't work out between Reese and Paul and those girls. What matters is that they tried. That's all that ever matters. Now, go home and get some lollipops or whatever you kiddies like to eat. Just don't eat to many. You'll spoil your dinner.
I'm pretty sure Reese and Paul are still there lying in that valley. But Morgan isn't. After all, he had to go on to start narrating those "Through the Wormhole" episodes.