UnScripts:Steal Bank Customer Service training video
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
In the modern and bustling corporate environment, staff members have very little time to sit through long training sessions and practise role-plays. And, unfortunately, we also have very little time to train a cadre of highly skilled and motivational trainers. So here at steal ™ we have instituted the latest in technology in order to train multiple staff. That's right, we have written a script and utilised a video camera encouraging staff to act out roles in the script for the purposes of our training video, which staff can watch in the comfort of their own home.
We're so generous to our staff that we allow them to do training without losing any of their valuable work hours. Here is one of a long line of scripts that we have developed for this purpose, and we will allow you to use it in your own corporate workplace
- Director: Pepé N d'Radio
- Director's aide: Norma Lusage
I can't believe they convinced me to direct this crap. I'll make a few notes on this copy of the script, but whatever you do Norma, don't let this fall into anyone's hands except yours or mine. Oh, and remind me never to work for a bank again. PdR.
SETTING: Bank, in the middle of the day. The sun is shining, the main floor is clean and shiny, and there are no customers waiting in queue. All the bank staff are happy, bright and cheerful, and there is nothing to bring you down.
Norma, in order to do this we can get some of the prettier looking bank staff in to work as actors. We'll do it on a weekend to ensure that there are no real customers, otherwise we'll have a queue out the door, and we'll hire a professional cleaning crew beforehand. Oh, and buy half a dozen packets of caffeine tablets for the crew. And half a dozen for me while you're there.
- Narrator (Voiceover): It's a typical day in a suburban steal ™ branch. Candy, our attractive young customer, has recently been married and is wanting to know what she can do to secure herself a strong financial future. Lucky for her, Greg, our friendly bank manager, is more than happy to help.
Okay, Norma, I've gotten some pictures from casting. Well, given that they are using staff to fill these roles these are actually from the personnel files. Apparently there's some kind of privacy legislation that was threatening to stop me having access to the personnel files, but the lawyers here are good at getting around inconvenient laws. Anyway, this girl is perfect for what I'm looking for in regards to our customer, Candy. She's attractive, but not slutty, and looks good in a suit. Of course she's also as dumb as a dead dog, and looks like she's been sucking on grapefruit when the wind changed.
Now this guy looks perfect for the role of Greg. I don't know what it is, but something about him just screams out "Bank Manager." Or Mafia boss. Or maybe both?
- Candy: No, thank you. I was really after some information today
- Greg: Fantastic, I would love to give you all the information you need, and then about 10 times more. But before I do that, I'd just like to get to know a few things about yourself.
- Narrator: And here we come to lesson 1 in our series of steal ™ educational videos. The abundance of information rule. Remember that your customer usually knows nothing about banking, how interest works, what an amortising line of credit is. In fact, your first home buyer has not had the opportunity to learn anything. The more information that you give them, the more confused they will be. When you then say to them "This is the right loan for you" they'll be so grateful that you've saved them from all this confusion that they'll sign anything.
- Greg: I hope you don't mind if I take notes while I'm talking. So firstly Candy, can I have your full name please?
- Candy: Candy, and my married name is Fault.
- Greg: Oh really, how long have you been married?
- Candy: I got married back only three months ago.
- Greg: Congratulations. Where is your husband?
Most believable part of this script so far, Norma. The bank manager doesn't want to talk to the "little woman", he wants someone with balls to talk to. After all, according to most bank managers only men with balls know how to deal with money.
- Candy: He's at work at the moment. He's a mechanic.
- Greg: Oh really, and how long has he been doing that?
- Candy: It's his third year.
- Greg: And are you working at the moment?
- Candy: No. We decided that it was better for me to finish Uni before I tried to find a job.
- Greg: Okay. Do you have anything saved towards buying a home at the moment?
- Narrator: Now it is very important to note exactly what Greg has done here. Firstly, he's put Candy at ease by asking her some very basic "getting to know you" questions. These questions give Greg information upon which he can make some assumptions about Candy's lifestyle, without being too intrusive. This means when he finally does ask about money here, it feels like a natural conversation and Candy will be happy to answer honestly. This is the steal ™ lesson 2, Get them to drop their guard rule.
- Candy: Oh, we've been saving for the past three months.
- Greg: Okay! Thanks for all the information there Candy. I think I have enough to go on now. I'm sorry to say that your loan application has been declined.
- Candy: (Surprised) But... what... how?
- Greg: Well you see Candy, here we work on a simple system called the risk points system, and it works on what we call the five C's. Have you ever heard of these before?
- Candy: No.. what are they?
- Greg: These are the factors that we take into consideration whenever we look at any loan application. The first of these is capacity, where we work out whether you are capable of meeting the repayments. Now you've told me that your husband has been working as a mechanic for just three years. That means that he is an apprentice, and as such will be being paid next to nothing. At the same time you're being a lazy cow and sitting around studying while he is working his butt off, so his meagre wage will have to stretch to cover the cost of feeding both of you. And I do mean stretch, having a look at your waistline.
- Candy: But I -
- Greg: Second "C" is capital, where we look at how much you are putting toward the purchase of your home out of your own money. Now we already know that your husband is earning next to nothing and you're sitting there studying and eating chocolate and getting fat, and you probably haven't even finished paying for the wedding that you had a few months ago, so your savings wouldn't even be enough to buy me lunch today.
- Candy: Hang on, we -
- Greg: Third "C" is collateral, where we determine how much of what you are borrowing is secured by the asset you are buying. In this case you have no money to put down yourself, and despite what the real estate agents are telling you, you house is likely to halve its value over the next few years. There's a Global Financial Crisis™ on you know.
- Candy: But we- ow, my back is really -
- Greg: Oh do be quiet. Haven't you realised yet that I'm much more important and intelligent then you? While we are on the topic of GFC The fourth "C" is conditions. This relates to the security of your job, which you don't have, security of you husband's job, which being a blue collar worker as soon as he is finished his apprenticeship and needs to be paid full wages his boss will give him a don't come Monday and the two of you will be begging on the streets. It also relates to the security of the <insert local currency unit here> which given the GFC has dropped down to a record low, and the security of your property, which, being a first home buyer, you'll probably end up paying twice as much as it's worth anyway as the real estate agent will see you coming.
- Candy: I can't feel my fingertips-
- Greg: And of course the final "C" is for character. Now you're sitting in front of me, only a short step away from living on the street, your new marriage won't be able to take the strain of your husband losing his job, and you won't be able to afford the chocolate that has made you as fat as you are, so in your despair you'll take to heroin. So you're sitting in front of me, a potential homeless, divorcee junkie, and you want me to give you a home loan?
- Candy: (slurring words) My bl-back is klilling me-
- Greg: And look, there you are, already on the road to ruin. Now if you'll forgive me I'm just going to call security to have you removed from the premises, so I can stop wasting time with you and get someone in here who actually has money.
- Narrator: And there Greg has demonstrated steal ™ rule number 3, which is possibly the most important rule - Always follow the money.
Norma, could you please get my agent on the phone. I think we need a new client. Preferably one that pays better so I can get rid of this blasted mortgage.
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 steal and the steal ™ logo is a registered trademark of the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666" all rights reserved. For the purposes of our corporate branding at no point should the acronym steal be capitalised. For full details of the allowable uses see the steal branding requirements v1.13.01 01-05-2009
- ↑ Please note that by the phrase allow you to use that does not in any way indicate that we will be giving permission for you to use this script or any part of this script without express written permission by the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666", which is obtainable upon request and a suitable monetary incentivisation changing hands.
- ↑ steal ™ coffee blend is guaranteed to be made of 10% Robusta beans and 90% coffee coloured organic matter
- ↑ steal ™ tea is guaranteed to be steal ™ coffee blend with added water
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 Global Financial Crisis and GFC are registered trademarks of the "Savings, Transaction, Equity, Asset and Loans Bank International trading #666-71A3-666" all rights reserved. These are to be used as the excuse for any decisions regarding finance, and employment practices for the next 5 years. For full details of the allowable uses see the GFC excuses requirements v6.6.6 01-09-2008