UnScripts:Skye Goes to Planet Shrewvomit
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[A dark black covers the screen -- a vast, endless tenebrosity. This lifeless void is the infinity of OUTER SPACE.
But look! Through the darkness, something bright is coming. A light at the end of the tunnel, speeding toward you. Who or what could this mysterious entity be? Soon it becomes recognizable, and you gasp as you realize that it is... the shining silver letters of the title card.]
A Film Which, Despite Your Probable Thoughts, Features No Shrews
Directed by Richard "Nothingsnamedafterme" Palmsinger
Scriptwriting by Sir Patrick Honourannus (Whom We Think May Be Assuming A False Name), Sir Winston Whirlapricius (Whose Name May Also Be False, But We Aren't Quite As Sure), The Newcomer (Whose Real Name We Think May Be Nigel), and Jean "Not That Jean" Valjean (Who Is Actually Female, And Whose Name Was The Result of an Awfully Funny Coincidence)
Live shrews provided courtesy of Seymour "The Wolverine" RochesterWait, wait, just one more final note for those still paying attention: This film features no shrews. None. If shrews are what you came for, you may leave now.
edit Act 1: The Fountain of Youth
[The scene fades in from black, and soon a quaint little vignette of a small, greenish grotto comes onto the screen. The scenery is quiet and serene -- all of it except for the rowdy college students who have snuck into the set and are screaming "Hi, Mom! I'm on TV!" in the far background. These slimeballs are promptly shot. "Got 'em, Zeb!" you can hear a voice with an Australian accent yelp from behind the camera. As the movie continues on, the camera begins to pan backward to show a large garden-shop fountain, shaped like a huge penis, that is squirting out water that you can't help but notice is abnormally viscous and whitish. From the background, someone is approaching -- a young woman, dressed in the usual slut uniform of a female sci-fi villain. This is Claire Redfield, a force of pure evil.]
Claire: Ha ha! I've found it! The Fountain of Eternal Youth on Planet Shrewvomit!
[Marcel Ploopdragger, Claire's ex-boyfriend turned sidekick in evil matters, elbows her in the side.]
Marcel: But... baby! What use do you have of that thing? You already have six fountains in your backyard, and half of them are shaped like penises!
Claire: Don't call me baby, Ploopdragger. You know we aren't together anymore.
Marcel: I asked you a question, you know.
Claire: Well, Ploopdragger, some things it's best for you not to know. Like how I'm going to use this fountain to gain eternal youth. Oh, whoops. Said too much again.
Marcel: Gain eternal life? From the Fountain of Eternal Youth? But don't you think that's a little... uh, obvious on your part, bab- er, Claire?
Claire: Oh, Ploopdragger... There are some things you really will never understand.
Marcel: You can just call me Marcel, you know.
[Claire, ignoring her sidekick’s whining, begins to move forward to partake of the glistening white liquid, but before she can stick her fingers in, the grotto is intruded... by none other than Skye Electra. A random metal band appears behind her and begins to play "Guile's Theme".]
Skye: *extends arm demeaningly, yet with joie de vivre* Stop right there, Redfield! You aren't going to get away with this. That eternal life fluid wasn't meant to be used for ensuring your starring role in every future Resident Evil game!
Marcel: *to Claire* So that was your plan. Hey, that's actually pretty evil!
[Annoyed, Skye pulls out her trusty ray gun and promptly shoots Marcel in the head. He dies.]
Claire: Thank you, Skye, for ridding me of this nuisance. But now I'm afraid it's time to rid the world of another nuisance... you!
[Claire pulls a submachine gun out of her bra and begins to unload rounds in Skye's direction.]
Skye: You just have to go for the cheesy lines every time, don't you, Claire?
Claire: Yes... cheese! The cheese that you will resemble when I pump your guts through with bullet holes!
[Skye dee-flects the bullets, then shoots at Claire with her ray gun. Her right leg is vaporized immediately, as well as both of her pinky fingers. At this, she distraught to the point of instantly developing a Scottish accent.]
Skye: And your pinkies. Don't forget those.
Claire: Those too? No! Well, I can still star in Resident Evil 7 without a few fingers! And I won’t need them to drink the water, either! You lose, Electra! You can't beat me!
[Claire begins to laugh evilly, but is silenced immediately when a massive roaring sound, like a lion being crushed underneath a giant box of nails, is heard. When Skye turns to look, she sees that a huge, fuchsia-colored army tank has suddenly come to occupy the entrance to the grotto, crushing all the instruments of the metal band in the process of its entrance. The drummer, whose name happens to be Lars Ulrich, is also rolled over and flattened. The world cheers with glee. But anyway, at the wheel of the tank is Amandine McAmandarus.]
Amandine: Skye! I brought the Freezalyzer like you asked me to!
Skye: Not now, Amandine! Can't you see that if you fire that thing it'll freeze me, too?
Amandine: Now? Okay, sounds cool.
[Amandine fires the Freezalyzer, and the entire grotto scene is immediately blasted with subzero liquid nitrogen. Skye, Claire, the body of the now very dead Marcel, and anything else in the grotto are frozen in a block of solid ice.]
Amandine: See, Skye? I can be helpful. Oh, yeah, I've also been thinking recently about going by Mandy. It's easier to say. Don't you think?
[Skye, frozen in the ice, does not respond.]
Amandine: Oh. Guess you always have been the strong silent type. Well, then. I'll get back to you later. Oh, and it’s your choice where we eat dinner tonight, so don’t forget like you did last time. Holly had to choose, and she only ever wants carry-out Chinese!
[Amandine (or, as she now is, Mandy) puts the Freezalyzer in reverse and drives off, leaving the frozen scene behind in all its eternal awkwardness.]
edit Act 2: The Realization of a Shoddy Reenactment
[The camera slowly begins to zoom out, eventually showing the Toshiba CRT-TV on which the previous events have been playing. The 80’s-made device is positioned in a lone cabinet that stands against a lurid orange wall. Next, the camera shifts over to a rusty plaque on the same wall, which reads "The Museum of Useless Events." Standing in the room are a group of bored high school students, as well as a partially robotic Japanese tour guide known as Ol’ Tokyo Ted. Ted's vocal synthesis device has been malfunctioning of late, so he talks funny.]
Ol’ Tokyo Ted: And for that is how Skye Electra is die on Shrewvomit. Happy now is we?
[The students are silent. Several of them are currently playing on their mobile phones, handheld game systems, or digital watches, which they had taken out after ceasing to pay attention sometime in the last hour. One jock -- Yogi something, I believe his name is -- is in the process of feeling up his girlfriend. Another has fallen asleep standing up. A boy named Nesterson Bluthersby Garrow, who prefers to stick with the much cooler-sounding "Nes" as his name, is the only one still paying attention.]
Nes: Mr. Ol’ Tokyo, I believe that this film is scientifically incorrect.
Ted: DAT BE MISSA TED YOU, BOI!
Ted: DAT BE MISSA-
Nes: Okay, okay, I've got it, Mr. Ol’ Tok... er, Mr. Ted. Mr. Ted, yes, that's it. So, anyway, as I was saying, this film cannot possibly be correct. Skye Electra doesn't look like that.
Ted: Yes does she. That, she Skye.
Nes: No it isn't, Mr. Ted. You see, I went to second grade with Skye Electra. That looks nothing like her! Why, in fact, that's Olivia Wilde, for Christ's sakes! It isn't even her at all!
Ted: What to difference than it make, stupid American?!
Nes: Well, what all this is leading me to believe is that this didn't really happen. Did it?
[Above Nes, a ceiling tile suddenly combusts, and a girl with pink hair drops down from the opening. It's none other than Holly Glacool, who was visiting her rich aunt on Earth and happened to be nearby when she heard the talk about the film.]
Holly: Oh, it happened, alright. But this is only a reenactment. We tried to stay as close as we could to the way the actual event went down. If only we'd had a camera-phone when the real thing happened...
[Amandine McAmandarus, who has been in the bathroom for the last several minutes, comes out to join the scene. She, unlike Holly, has no rich aunt, and is only at the museum because, in her need for money, she has taken up a day job there as a janitor.]
Amandine: We too had a camera-phone! Didn't we?
Holly: Well, yes, Amandine. You had it. You just had to let the battery run out watching stupid cat videos on the way to the grotto!
Amandine: Oh, yeah... true. Sorry about that! Well, at least I got to act in this reenactment. As myself! And the quality is much more stunning than what any camera-phone could have done.
Nes: What in the name of Sam Hill is a camera-phone?!
Amandine: *ignoring Nes* Oh, by the way, in case you were listening, I need some opinions on the whole Mandy thing.
Holly: You were serious about that, Amandine?
Nes: Again, I ask, what is a-
[Amandine (Mandy) interrupts.]
Amandine: Well, yes. I think it could actually work out. Don't you?
Nes: Alright, alright, what's going on here?! Who are you people? And WHAT IS A GOD-FORSAKEN CAMERA-PHONE?!
Holly: We are the last of the Honouran Whirl Girls. Not that there were ever very many of us, though... honestly, Skye is the only one we're missing. I am Holly Glacool.
Amandine: And I am Amandine McAmandarus. You may call me Mandy if you wish. Oh, and a camera-phone is just a phone with a camera-thing on the front. Shouldn't that have been a little more obvious?
Nes: Okay, okay, but wait. You still haven't told me what's going on here!
Holly: Well, we heard you say you knew Skye. Did you or did you not?
Nes: Well, yes. In second grade. That's, um, a funny story...
Holly: Then you must be that Nesterson Bluthersby Garrow fellow that Skye always told us about.
Nes: You know my name?!
Holly: Nesterton Garrow! It is you! You may not know it, but it is you who is destined to save Skye from her state of eternal imprisonment on the planet Shrewvomit! By God, Nesterton, you are the Chosen One!
Nes: Oh, why doesn't anyone just call me Nes?! And couldn't anybody just go up and un-freeze her?
Amandine: Well, Destiny didn't say that. We can't go along with anything Destiny hasn't said.
Nes: What's all this business with Destiny got to do with anything? And why in the blazes do we have to keep capitalizing it?
Amandine: Not destiny, Destiny! Destiny was my mother's name. She taught me everything that's important to me... like the meaning of human life. Oh, what a fun day it was when I learned that! She also always told me to wear my hair in pigtails, because I can do this with them!
[Amandine begins to wrap her pigtails fervently around her head.]
Amandine: See? Instant turban! Helps a lot on the desert planets, or Iran... gotta blend in with the locals, y'know? And you know what else I can do with them?
[Amandine does... something else. Nes gawks. Yogi the jock's girlfriend screams. All electronics manufactured before the year 2001, including Nes’s watch, combust immediately. So does Ol’ Tokyo Ted.]
[Ted explodes into an assortment of ambiguous robotic parts.]
Nes: Aw, man! My watch!
Holly: Look what you’ve done now, Amandine! You really ought to lose those pigtails. But anyway, enough of this idle talk! We must go to Shrewvomit now!
Nes: So now we're bringing shrew's vomit into this?
Holly: Shrewvomit, you idiot! It's a planet! Weren't you listening when they said this film features no shrews?
Nes: Listening to who?!
[Before the discussion can continue far enough to potentially create a disastrous discussion of the fourth wall, Holly calls forth a space portal that instantly materializes in a flash of blinding colors. After it has flashed sufficiently long enough to kill off any epileptics watching the film, Nes, Holly, Amandine, Yogi, his girlfriend, and several parts of Ol’ Tokyo Ted are sucked inside.]
edit Act 3: On the (Real) Planet Shrewvomit
[The scene opens on the desolate, desert-like landscapes of the planet Shrewvomit, with its fuchsia sun setting in the background and its two moons, Wayne and Darren by name, beginning to rise. In the near foreground, a shrew scampers across the sand, looks dazedly into the camera, and then promptly vomits. The creature is shot moments later, and a well-dressed man with a mop hurriedly sweeps it offstage. In its place, a sign which reads "YOU SAW NOTHING" is driven fervently into the ground with a rubber mallet. Meanwhile, further back in the distance, the portal appears and dumps its passengers onto the warm, coffee-scented desert sand.]
Holly: Shrewvomit... Just as I remember it.
Nes: Hey! This isn't what this planet is supposed to look like! And why does it smell like coffee?
Amandine: Sorry about all that. We did what we had to do in the reenactment. There's really no place on Earth that looks like Shrewvomit, so we just filmed it in New Zealand. It was worth a shot, wasn't it?
Nes: Well, couldn't you have tried at least a little harder? Mexico, or the Sahara, or something?
Holly: Well, would you look at that. We're wasting time again! There are more pressing matters to attend to here! Like this wailing yuppie!
[Yogi, being epileptic, did not survive the trip through the portal. His girlfriend, mortified that no one is left to grope at her pectoral regions, is now in the throes of her version of mourning -- namely, screaming like a goat. Holly whips out her ray gun and shoots her in the head.]
Holly: There. Better.
Amandine: Well, then... Now how about we start thinking how in the name of string cheese we're going to find that grotto where Skye's frozen?
Nes: Wait... you don't know?!
[Amandine shrugs. Holly makes a face. Then, both at the same time, they speak.]
Holly and Amandine: You thought we knew? We thought you’d know!
[There is a long, awkward silence. Holly glances repeatedly behind her. Amandine attempts and fails to whistle "O Canada". Finally, Nes can take no more of it, and explodes into the fit of rage that he has been holding in for the last several hours.]
Nes: THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! First that awful field trip, and NOW look at us! We’re trapped in this blasted desert, and now we’re never going to get out! This mess is all your fault, Holly!
Holly: Don’t look at me. Amandine was the one who got you into this with that Chosen One nonsense!
Amandine: Hey, hey, why so angry, everybody? Holly, you still have your Headband of Power, right? We can go back whenever we want to.
Holly: Hey, you’re actually right! All we have to do is-
[As if on cue, a flying monitor lizard swoops down from the sky and plucks Holly’s headband off of her head. Her pink hair falls down depressingly over her face.]
Holly: Oh. I forgot the local fauna here loved harassing women so much.
Amandine: Hey, where’d my bra go?!
[A miniature ostrich runs off into the distance with a smug smile on its face.]
Nes: Alright, alright, alright! We’ve really got to pull ourselves together here! We’ll need food and water if we’re going to stay here and look for this blasted grotto.
Holly: No worries! I brought some Pop-Tarts!
Amandine: Ooh! What flavor?
Holly: Salmon. Anybody want some?
Amandine: Aw, yuck! You eat those?!
Holly: No, actually. That’s why I was hoping somebody else would. How about you, Nes?
Nes: I’ll just starve, thank you very much.
Holly: Well, then, maybe we won’t care when we get closer to starving. I’ll save these for-
[A long-legged kangaroo gnat leaps up, takes the Pop-Tarts, and burrows back into the sand.]
Holly: Damn it!
Nes: Wait a second! Is that the grotto over there?
[Nes points out toward a nearby butte, in front of which a small pub sits. Its name, as can be determined through its over-the-top neon display, is The Grotto.]
Holly: I recognize that butte. This is definitely the place. Come on, everybody!
Amandine: But there wasn’t a cheap pub here... was there?
Holly: A lot can change in a few years, Amandine. Besides, I need a goddamn beer. Let's check this place out.
[Nes, Holly, and Amandine trudge across the coffee-smelling sand in the direction of The Grotto. Twice on the way, Nes swears he can feel something rubbing against his trousers, so he tries not to think of three-eyed turtle bulldogs. Finally, they make it into the pub, and they promptly see that in the back, a special enclosure has been built around the frozen entrance to the actual grotto (which is different, mind you, from The Grotto.) A small crowd of men, women, and children have gathered around and are looking inside, pointing, and laughing with glee. Three figures can be seen inside the ice. A sign beside the enclosure reads: 3 Frozen Nimrods; Viewing Fee: $5.]
Amandine: Wow. This really is the place! Check out that look on Skye’s face.
Holly: Shut up, Amandine. We need to get to business. Quickly, Nes, melt the ice!
Nes: Wait, melt the ice? I’m just supposed to melt all that ice? I didn’t sign on for this! Why didn't anyone tell me?!
[Holly does not respond, for she is no longer there. She has gone off to the bar and ordered a beer, and now she no longer wants to be disturbed. Nes turns awkwardly toward Amandine.]
Nes: Well, then, Amandine, looks like it’s just you and me. Do you have any idea how I’m supposed to melt this stuff?
Amandine: Nope. You should be the one that destiny’s talking to, not me. Just trust destiny!
Nes: Well, what am I supposed to melt the ice with? Destiny?
Amandine: You’ll figure something out. Now, I’m going to go see if this place sells bras.
[Amandine heads off toward the gift shop. Nes, now alone, walks up to the enclosure, pays the viewing fee to a man with a Hitler mustache, and then begins to tap at the ice. Nothing happens.]
Nes: Um... Amandine? I don’t think the whole destiny thing is working out for me here.
[Amandine does not hear. Nes continues to tap. Nothing continues to happen.]
Nes: Hey, Holly!
[Holly throws her fifth empty beer bottle to the floor and staggers toward Nes. When the bartender asks her to pay her tab, she punches him in the forehead, rendering him unconscious. Another man, following her lead, punches the mustache man just for the hell of it. He falls over next to the bartender.]
Holly: There. Now, what were you saying?
[At this point, every single living being inside the pub has joined into an all-out brawl.]
Nes: Well, obviously, I can't melt this ice like Amandine told me I would be able to. So, what now? Can we just go back to Earth and forget that this nonsense ever happened?
[Suddenly, a cry of “Hey, Reggie, look what me and Jeb found!” is heard coming from behind, and then a familiar voice follows.]
Voice: The to ice and melt, one cannot! Nonsense is this!
Nes: No way... Is that the tour guide?
[Nes and Holly look around and see that two oddly-dressed men have collected Ol’ Tokyo Ted’s parts -- most notably his head -- and brought them into the pub in a large wheelbarrow. Nes runs up hurriedly to the wheelbarrow man, a big fellow by the name of Stan. Holly attempts to do so as well, but subsequently trips and begins to utter the word rhinoceros repeatedly as she lies on the floor next to the bartender and the mustache man.]
Stan: What do you want, kid?! You know this robot?
Nes: Well, really, I wish I didn’t, but he’s kind of trying to say something important to me right now, so could I maybe have a word with him?
[Stan is silent for a few seconds, thinking furtively. Then, having made his decision, he punches Nes in the forehead. He falls over next to Holly, the bartender, and the mustache man.]
Nes: Rhinoceros... rhinoceros... rhinoceros...
[Nes blacks out.]
[Nes awakens, feeling strangely groggy. His head feels like pavement. There is an unusual burning sensation in his mouth.
Everything was all a dream. What a relief, he thinks!
Then, much to his dismay, he realizes that he is in Belarus.]
Nes: Oh, bother! Not again!
[The camera slowly pans out, and then, as he naturally should at the end of any movie, US President Barack Obama appears, sitting comfortably behind his desk.]
Mr. Obama: Well, well, everyone. What a lovely little screenplay that all was! Really. Whoever wrote it should be applauded, I think. And so should whoever it was that played that Ploopdragger fellow. He was my favorite character! But, anyway, I think it’s clear that there are some pretty good lessons to be learned here.
["Hail to the Chief" begins to play faintly in the background as Mr. Obama clears his throat and looks past the camera to the teleprompter.]
Mr. Obama: First of all, kids these days just play too many video games. Really, kids, just turn off those flashy things! It helps your eyes, you know. Secondly, should you ever travel to Iran, don’t forget to bring a gun. I think this one should explain itself. And third and finally: Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER trust anyone claiming to be something so outrageous as a Honouran Whirl Girl. Your day will not end pleasantly. You may be raped, for one, or perhaps end up in Belarus like that poor Nesterton Garrow.
[Several minutes of dead silence. Mr. Obama leers into the camera, allowing substantial time for the creepy factor to set in.
Then, suddenly, a grand piano falls from the sky and crushes the President, his desk, the teleprompter, and the video camera. Just as the cheering of the universe can begin to be heard, the film cuts off.
Oh, and by the way, Nes is still there on that street in Belarus.]
TO BE CONTINUED...
edit See also
- ↑ Or their vomit.
- ↑ Wait, no. They were not. Disregard this message. No such man exists, and this film features no shrews.
- ↑ No, that wasn't a suggestion. Begone!
- ↑ This still stands as one of Skye Electra's very most profound statements. In fact, it is because of this that thirteen (no more, no less!) Claire Redfield quotes were included in the latest edition of Socrates' Anthology of Poorly Timed and Hopelessly Tasteless Remarks.
- ↑ Every one of the others, contrarily, is sleeping lying down.
- ↑ Olivia Wilde, much to her dismay, was approached to play the part of Skye Electra in this certain reenactment. I am sure that she regrets it to this day.
- ↑ Yes, my friends, a flying lizard. Such a thing is common on Shrewvomit, although -- have we mentioned? -- they seem to have no shrews at all.
- ↑ No, we don’t mean Amandine’s mom this time.
- ↑ Several other parts have come along as well, but these are not nearly as notable.
- ↑ aka The Next-to-Final Act
- ↑ Scholars have pored over this final utterance of Nesterton Bluthersby Garrow for years and years, and yet no one has really agreed on its meaning. To comprehend it, one must think very, very, very deeply about life and human nature. No, really, just try it!
- ↑ aka The Final Act
- ↑ Since the traffic jam he’s caused is becoming a bit of a problem, though, he may be put out of his misery soon enough.