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Open on Earth, to a stunning vista of stunning hills on a stunning horizon under a stunning sky. Closer, a stunning river leads to a waterfall, itself stunning. Beside the waterfall stands Testes, the Greek god of bald and vitamin D deficiency. He drinks some alien ooze from an alien cup, pauses, regrets his decision. Then he falls to the ground, falls to pieces and falls off the waterfall, which falls. A majestic spaceship blob, duty complete, majestically rises in the stunning sky, leaving.
This is all stunningly, baldingly, majestically awesome.
In a cave in Scotland two archeologists, Elizabeth Shaw and Charlie Holloway (Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green) find a old but unremarkable cave painting of deer and hunters and shit. Looking up, they remark silently on the remarkable part; some stars. This is important.
The ship cruises through space. This is awesome.
While the crew of the Prometheus stasisize in stasis pods onboard where they are, the Prometheus, android David (Michael Fassbender), also on the Prometheus, spends a couple of years alone, learning every language ever, playing solitary bicycle basketball, performing a one-man rendition of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s Doll on a Music Box, and invading the crew's dreams.
His shoulders are unburdened by secrets and motivations.
Prometheus, Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber Two
The Prometheus shudders, gravity shifts slightly (indicated by the movement of pool balls on the pool table, which spaceships have) and the computer dings and says that the pizza is defrosted. Also, that they're at their destination. David proceeds to wake the crew, who are all sick from the long sleep. Shaw is even sicker, pausing from throwing up only to throw up.
David: "Take it easy. Your body and mind are in shock from the severe shock of staaahsis. If, say, you were a frail old man with only days to live, it would've killed you, but it won't. Nor would it kill a frail old man with only days to live, if one was secretly on board, which one isn’t."
Shaw: *Throws up in reply*
Nearby, her beau, Holloway, drinks some goop and smiles.
Holloway: "We're here, baby."
Shaw: *Throws up in reply*
David sees wet footprints on the floor, follows them, ending up at a wet Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) doing pushups, wetly, in her quarters.
Prometheus, Vicker’s Quarters
David: "Robe, mum?"
Vickers: "Yes. Has anyone died?"
David: "No, mum. It's still the first act."
Vickers: "Good. I have my own secrets and motivations."
David: "Yes, mum. As an android I can't understand such things as secrets and motivations."
Vickers gets up, walks over to the really-big-for-a-closet-in-a-spaceship closet, and puts on a robe, which makes her bra vanish somehow.
Vickers: "Of course. And my face is up here."
David: "Yes, mum."
Vickers: "Get out. I have to be alone, just me and my secrets and motivations, here in my rooms, which are really a shuttle, which also contains an expensive, rare, robotic medical surgery table that is only programmed for men for some reason."
David: "Yes, mum."
The crew gathers goo on plates, goo in glasses, then sits and consumes goo. Millburn the Friendly (Rafe Spall) sits down across from Fifield the Unfriendly (Sean Harris).
Millburn: "I'm a bookish but friendly biologist. I hope that my expertise will be valuable and be used often and be necessary and stuff."
Prometheus, Pool Room
The Prometheus' Captain, Captain Janek (Idris Elba), sets up a Christmas tree on the pool table. Coldly, Vickers walks in and coldly confronts him, coldly.
Vickers: ”Don’t you have some captaining to do?”
Janek: "I'm the captain of this ship, and I've got one job."
Vickers: "Protecting the ship and her crew?"
Vickers: "Maintaining and updating the ship's accounting, payrolls and manifest?"
Vickers: "Liaising with immigration and customs officials to ensure compliance with local laws?"
Vickers: "Marrying people when in international wat…space?"
Vickers: "Factory fishing? Unlicensed gambling? Gun running? Piracy? White slavery?"
Janek: "No, I fly, sort of, which is the pilot's job, but I do it, sort of, because I'm the captain, sort of."
The meeting alarm blares (*MEE-ting! MEE-ting!*) and they all go down to the gymnasium for the meeting.
The crew, most unnamed, sit on folding chairs facing the basketball hoop, because meetings in space in the future are like school assembly in the third grade. Vickers stands, coldly, and coldly introduces Hologram Peter Weyland (Melting Guy Pierce with Malcolm MacDowell's voice), coldly. Hologram Peter Weyland appears in the background, walks slowly and painfully toward the seated crew and the standed Vickers.
Hologram Peter Weyland: ”I've spent my life searching for the answers to life's deepest questions..."
Unnamed crew member: "'Why are tomatoes good but tomato juice is awful?'"
Unnamed crew member: "’Why are we getting this introductory briefing now and not two years ago?'"
Chandler Bing, Ship’s Transpondster: "’Could we *be* on a ship with a worse name?’”
Hologram Peter Weyland: "...and Shaw and Holloway convinced me that the answers are within reach. Not for me, you understand, as I'm a frail old man with only days to live, but for you. And my son, David, who is like the son I never had. Shaw, Holloway, tell the rest why we, I mean 'you', are here."
Hologram Peter Weyland disappears. Shaw and Holloway stand up and face the crew.
Holloway: "We found some shit in some caves or shit. In this shit, across the world across societies and across at least thirty-five thousand years, there's this repeating, and impossible, pattern of these stars and this spaceman pointing to these stars."
Shaw: [fingering cross necklace] "We think that spacemen created us and they're inviting us to visit them at those stars."
Millburn: "So, everything I've spent my life studying is wrong?"
Holloway: "Yes. Forget everything you know."
Millburn: [pause] "Done."
Vickers coldly walks back out in front of the crew, coldly, and addresses them, coldly.
Vickers: "I'm in charge here. Here, I'm in charge. In charge here, I am."
Hologram Peter Weyland pops back up.
Hologram Peter Weyland: "Shaw and Holloway are in charge.”
Hologram Peter Weyland goes away again.
Vickers: "So anyway, we've come a jillion miles across space because a frail old man with only days to live spent a trillion dollars to never ever see us meet our creators. To honor him, do not contact them without my permission. Because I have my own secrets and motivations. And I'm in charge."
Hologram Peter Weyland pops back up.
Hologram Peter Weyland: "Shaw and Holloway are in charge.”
Hologram Peter Weyland goes away again.
Janek: "I'm the Captain, and I have one job; to spend two minutes every two years telling two pilots to pilot this ship from down to up and from up to down. Since we're up I should probably captain this ship until it’s down."
Some of the crew, those with names, head to the bridge. The rest go wherever.
Looking out the windows, the some of the crew that's on the bridge can see the moon they're orbiting, the Earth-like LV-223, itself in orbit around the not at all Earth-like gas giant, Barry Winthrop Llewellyn-Paisley (of 1 Milk Street, Shrewsbury, Shropshire, SY1 1SZ, UK).
Chance (Emun Elliott) and Ravel (Benedict Wong) sit in the pilot's chairs, while the captain, who has one job, stands at a console way up front with no chair.
Chance (or Ravel): "Clouds and atmosphere. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."
Janek: "Sit down in the chairs that I don't have and strap in. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."
It’s not all that bumpy.
Most of the way down, the sky clears and the some of the crew on the bridge can see the ground and be amazed. The crew not on the bridge can see their paychecks and be paid scale.
On the ground, between wrinkled, labial, mountain ranges is a horseshoe-shaped rock womb. Inside that is a meaty, bulbous egg-shaped building. A road leads straight to the core of this alien reproductive tract. This is a metaphor.
Holloway: "That's artificial. God doesn't work in straight lines."
Shaw: "What about Newton's First Law of Moti..."
Holloway: "Captain, can you put us down there, close enough that the structure is still visually imposing, but far enough away that getting there and back will be problematic, should problems arise?"
Janek does. The Prometheus lands. This is awesome.
Soon-to-be Away Team: ”Away team! Away team! Away team! Yay!”
Ford (Kate Dickie): "The atmosphere has a hundred times more CO2 than Earth, so when we leave the ship we'll have to wear spacesuits or we'll die."
Soon-to-be Away Team: ”Okay. But we can still go right now, right?”
Janek: "There's only six hours until nightfall. You can go in the morning."
The Soon-to-be Away Team immediately suits up, in spacesuits with bulbous helmets that make them look like sperm. If this is metaphor, and it is, it’s kind of gross.
Holloway: ”David, why are you putting on a spacesuit? You don’t need to breath. Because you’re just an android.”
David: ”My makers made me similar enough to you that you wouldn’t freak the fuck out up to the point of my inevitable betrayal, which won't happen, so I figure dressing like you would be a good way to help allay your all-too-human fears that I have secrets and motivations. Which I don’t.”
The Soon-to-be Away Team, now the Away Team, (a total of nine people with two ATVs and one ten passenger off-road trucks) rush pell-mell toward the stone ladyparts and, while the drivers stay with their vehicles, six of of the Away Team enter the central egg via an entrance small enough that they have to wriggle and squirm and fight to get in. This is a metaphor.
The interior of the structure is a friendly shade of black, like a foggy old graveyard on a moonless night.
Ford: "The air in here is fine. Cleaner than Earth, actually. Still, being an alien world, we should keep our helmets on to protect us from unknown pathogens and to protect this world from our known ones."
Holloway immediately takes his helmet off, because he's like Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones went to Scotland, found an ancient painting that he interpreted as an invitation from ancient aliens to visit a far-off alien world, convinced a frail old man with only days to live to spend a trillion dollars to get him there, slept for two years in stasis on the trip, put on a spacesuit, dashed cross country in an offroad vehicle, entered a thousands of years old alien structure, and was a moron. Shaw freaks out a little at this and immediately takes off her helment, but Millburn, the biologist, does nothing except also taking off his helmet. The rest of the Away Team does too. Even David, who was wearing a spacesuit even though he didn't need to because he's not human does nothing except also taking off his helmet.
Shaw: "This structure sure is big and enhallwayed."
Fifield: "No problem. As a geologist, I brought a bag full of Sweet Floaty Spheres that will map it for us, sending the data back to the Prometheus' bridge, where they can see it and tell us where to go. We can't get lost. We can’t possibly get lost."
Shaw: "Even if the bridge is unoccupied for some reason?"
Fifield: "That won't happen. No captain worthy of his position would leave the bridge unmanned while there's crew away."
(All): [in unison] "Yes. That could never happen."
Hanging back from the Away Team, David hacks an alien computer (which he can do because the alien language that no human has ever seen is the root tongue for all languages on Earth or something. And David knows all languages on Earth), making a hologram of a few of the Space Jockeys from Alien appear. The aliens run down the hallway, as though they are fleeing something extremely dangerous. They run past the rest of the Away Team, making their hair move in the wind that holograms don't create.
One straggler straggles a few seconds behind them, straggles to a closing door, making it just in time. Mostly.
The Away Team follows the path of the hologram, ending up at the door and finding the partly-lucky straggler's corpse. Nobody seems amazed to be the first people in history to do so, except Fifield, who loses his shit.
Fifield: "Well that's great, that's just fuckin' great, man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now man! That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do? Oh yeah, sure! With those things runnin' around? You can count me out. That's right, man. Hey, why don't you go, man! Yeah right, man, Bishop should go. Good idea!"
Shaw: "Fifield! Relax! Look at some rocks or something."
Fifield: "That's it! You’re right! I'm a geologist. This is a corpse. It's outside the expertise I've never demonstrated any knowledge of. I'm going back to the ship. Who's with me?"
Millburn: "I'll go. I'm a biologist. I didn't sign up to travel a jillion light years to an alien world to find an actual alien and study it, biologically."
Fifield: "Good. All we have to do is retrace our steps back through the one hallway we walked down, and we won't get lost."
Fifield and Millburn run back to the ship, retracing their route. Almost a whole minute passes before they get lost.
David hacks the door. As it opens it reveals that not only was there a headless corpse on the outside, but a bodyless head on the inside.
Shaw: [stuffing head in to bag she didn't have earlier] "Dibs!"
Farther inside the room, decorated in the Baroque style if Baroque used dark grey and dark black and black puddles and dark nightmares, is The Giant Head. It's even more awesome than it sounds, that being pretty awesome. It just stands there, silent, unmoving, awesome. It's surrounded by tapered cylinders that are the egg from Alien, but yet are not the egg from Alien, that don’t contain anything from Alien, but instead the wiggling ooze that disassembled Testes earlier, which is also a metaphor, but different, or something; almost as though this story has been rewritten at least three times by five people, twice by the same guy a decade apart, the last time just three months before filming.
This is awesome anyway.
With a "yoink", David steals one of the cylinders and puts it in his bag.
The rest of the Away Team looks around; at The Giant Head, at the cylinders, at the paintings on the walls, until Shaw notices that the paintings are changing, she thinks because they took off their helmets and breathed the place up, contaminating the room with their presence.
On the bridge of the ship it's noticed that a storm is approaching, and the Away Team is recalled back to the Prometheus. Except for Fifield and Millburn, everybody makes it back as the storm hits. Even the head.
Prometheus, Medical Inspecty Room
The head is laid on a space gurney, and Shaw and Ford look at it while David sits nearby, observing them and continuing to not have secrets and motivations of his own. Or of anybody else's, for that matter.
Ford: "Look, there's a neck sticking out of it. It's not a head; it's a head in a helmet."
The two women both struggle with opening it for almost five whole seconds before getting David to do it. And also he crushes a spider in the bathtub for them and changes the oil in their cars. The bodyless head, now helmetless, looks just like Testes' from before; bald, pale and Greek.
Ford: "It’s two thousand years old, and it's perfectly preserved somehow. And this DNA test shows that their DNA is the same as ours, which is as cool as it is impossible. If only it did more than just sit there."
Shaw: "As an archaeologist, I know that if you jam a probe in its skull and run electricity through its brain, something will happen."
Something happens. After Ford jams a probe in its skull and runs electricity through its brain, the head opens its eyes, looks around, turns black and explodes.
Shaw: "Well, that proves my theory."
David: "I have somewhere to go. No reason."
David exits Medical Inspecty Room and goes to Another Room. On the way there he stops and checks in Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber One, meeting someone who is still in staaahsis. (Dun-dun DUN!)
Prometheus, Another Room
David pushes aside a head of lettuce and bottles of booze in Another Room's refrigerator, pulls out the cylinder that he yoinked earlier, opens it and finds black ooze inside. Inside that black ooze he finds smaller bottles that are also filled with black ooze. Breaking one open, he puts a dab of it on one of his fingers.
David: ”Big things have small beginnings.”
Secret and motivation free, David grabs a bottle of booze and heads to the pool room.
Prometheus, Pool Room
David enters, finding a drunken Holloway playing pool wrong.
David: "You came all this way. What for?"
Holloway: "To ask our creators the most important question, ‘Why did you make us?' You wouldn't understand. You're not even a real boy."
David: "Why do you think your people made me?“
Holloway: "We made you because we could."
David: "Imagine how it would feel to hear that from your creator.”
Holloway: "I guess it's good you can't be disappointed."
David: "Yes. Because I’m just an android.”
David offers a glass of booze to Holloway, dipping his finger in it on the way.
Prometheus, Shaw's Quarters
On a hologramatic display Shaw is watching footage of the bodyless head’s final moments that she couldn't possibly possess, while sitting in a chair, wearing a bathrobe, eating noodles and being adorable. Holloway passes through the doorway, foreshadowingly passes through the display of the alien dying, and passes her a rose.
Holloway: "I know, right? I brought this rose all this way for you, to decorate this room, which looks barren. Oh. Sorry. I forgot that you're barren. I won’t mention it again. That you're barren, I mean."
They have sex.
Janek stands by the radio, behind Chance and Ravel, who sit in front of the radio, talking on it, in front of them, where they are. Millburn and Fifield are having a minor panic attack, after finding a big pile of dead bodies.
Janek: [to Millburn and Fifield, on radio] ”You can’t come back tonight, because of the storm, which is deadly. We’ll come out and get you in the morning. I’ll see to it personally. I’m the captain. I have one job. Any last words? For the night, I mean.”
Fifield: ”Yeah. F[crackle]ck off!”
Janek, Chance and Ravel all laugh good-naturedly at this, before Janek dismisses them and moves to the corner of the room, where he sits down to play his accordion and smoke a cigar.
Some time later, Vickers enters the bridge, stands by the holographic map forming on data from the Sweet Floaty Spheres, and stares at the map that she’s standing by in the bridge, which she’s in. She’s surprised to find someone else, Janek, on the bridge that’s manned 24/7 while there are members of the Away Team away, which there are.
Janek: ”You know you just came here because you want to have sex with me.”
Vickers: ”No.” [pause] ”Yes.”
They both leave the bridge to go have sex, leaving the bridge unmanned.
LV-223, Giant Head Room
Trapped by the storm, Fifield and Millburn are still lost in the alien structure. They eventually get lost enough that they end up back where they started; at The Giant Head room.
Millburn: "Any reason why these cylinders are oozing?"
Fifield: "Hush up and go to sleep, watched over by The Giant Head, surrounded by alien cylinders and drippy, runny puddles, with a headless alien corpse outside the room that doesn't bother me at all now, and farther away, a great big pile of alien bodies with great big holes in their great big chests, which bother me even less."
Millburn: "I can't sleep. As a biologist I'm suddenly interesting in the biology of that transparent-skinned, penis-headed alien snake thing over there. I'll go up to it. Coochie coochie coo!"
Alien Snake Thing rears up on tail.
Millburn: "How cute. I think it likes me. I'll get closer to it."
Alien Snake Thing's penis-head flares out like a cobra’s.
Millburn: "How cute. It wants a tickle. Tickle tickle tickle!"
Alien Snake Thing wraps itself around his arm and squeezes.
Millburn: "How cute. It wants me to sing it a lullaby. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep my dear snake thing. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep now, go to sleep.”
Alien Snake Thing snaps his arm in half.
Millburn: "How cute. It wants to play. Here! Fetch the half of my arm that just fell off!"
Fifield suddenly barges in on the heartwarming and nauseating pair.
Fifield: "No fair! Stop hogging! My turn! I wanna play with it!"
Fifield grabs at it, cutting Alien Snake Thing in the process and spraying himself with Alien Snake Thing blood, which eats through his helmet, that he's wearing for some reason, and also his face, which he has perfectly valid reasons for wearing. Millburn is also wearing a helmet and a face, but different ones.
Alien Snake Thing bites through Millburn's spacesuit, scoots inside it up across what's left of his arm, and in to his helmet.
Millburn: "How cute. I thought it wanted to sleep wrapped around my arm, but it really wants to sleep in my helmet. Nope. It wants to sleep in my mouth. Nope. Down my throat."
Millburn dies of heartbreak. Fifield just lays on the ground, bubbling and fizzing, face down on the floor while black ooze oozes its way on to him, oozily.
Prometheus, Shaw's Quarters
The next morning, Holloway rises, goes to the sink and splashes some water on his face. Gazing into the mirror, he sees a little wiggly parasite wiggle out of his eyeball, wiggling.
Shocked and horrified at this, he shrugs nonchalantly, returns to bed and gives Shaw a little afternoon delight, but in the morning and, like the night before, infected with parasites.
Later, as they’re dressing to return to the alien structure, loving her more than anything else in the universe, he does not pull her aside and does not tell her of this.
LV-223, Still, But Later
The Away Team again goes away, this time to the same place they went before, where they find Dead Millburn.
Half of Away Team: ”Anybody see Fifield? Oh well. Let’s forget about that.”
Other Half of Away Team: [pause] ”Done.”
On the bridge, Janek watches the map continue to fill out on the table. Far off on one edge of the map a lone Sweet Floaty Sphere beeps and boops, signalling that it has found a lifesign, which is like a regular sign but squishy.
Janek: [on phone to IT] "I've got an anomaly. One of the Sweet Floaty Spheres tells me it's found something living. Then it stops telling me that. Then it starts telling me that again. Then it stops. Right now, it's telling me again. Yes, I've turned it off and on again. You can't get a tech here until two years from now? Pah!"
Slamming down the phone, he raises the Away Team on the radio.
Janek: "There's something odd happening far away from you. One of the Sweet Floaty Spheres found something alive out there, here, on this alien world where you found hologram aliens who were running away from something, followed shortly by another hologram alien who died while running away from that same something, leading you to a room where you just did not find a crewmember who we are forgetting about and also did just find a formerly alive crewmember dead with a two foot long Alien Snake Thing napping in his mouth. To check it out, I need a volun..."
David: "I'll do..."
Holloway: [interrupting] "Are you sure?"
David: "...it. It's no problem. All I've been doing here is stuff like opening doors that nobody else within a jillion miles could possibly open. It will be good to do something useful, alone, where I can be myself, out of the sight of everyone else, with the secrets and motivations I don't have."
David walks to where the lifesign was found, hacks another door, revealing a circular room with lifepods arrayed around the perimeter, including one with an in-staaahsis Space Jockey, and a desk-slash-chair-slash-computer. He hacks the alien computer, pressing small, widely-spaced glowing eggs, content in his lack of secrets or motivations.
David moves to the middle of the room as it fills with a hologram which includes the alien crew moving around and a room-sized model of the universe, which swirls and twirls until a projection of the Earth lands in David’s hand.
He is busy not plotting and not scheming when, suddenly, in The Giant Head Room...
LV-223, The Giant Head Room
Holloway, looking like shit, stumbles and falls.
Holloway: ”I’m all right.” [pause] ”I’m dying.”
Shaw: ”Don’t die on me! We’ll get you back to the ship!” [on radio] ”Prometheus, Holloway’s infected with some unknown something! We’re bringing him back! Have a medical team ready!”
They rush back to the Prometheus, Shaw cradling a dying moron this time instead of a bodyless head.
The Prometheus, Loading Bay
As they approach the ship, the Loading Bay door swings down, revealing Vickers standing, coldly, with a flamethrower, warmly.
Vickers: ”Everybody can come in except Holloway.”
Holloway is visibly mutated. Swollen and gross, he looks like the kind of guy who has sex with someone and doesn’t tell her he’s got alien parasites.
Holloway: ”Shaw. Leave me. It’s the only...moolala-bluh!”
Holloway walks toward Vickers and gets hit with the flames from her flamethrower, which shoots flames at him. He collapses in a flaming pile of himself.
Shocked and terrified, the rest of the team calmly enters the ship, take off their helmets, and go back to their jobs, whatever those are.
Heartbroken, Shaw runs to her room, slams the door, and crumples on her bed, clutching the rose to her barren belly and crying.
The Prometheus, Medical Inspecty Room
Shaw awakens on a medical inspecty bed. David stands beside her, but on the floor, not on the bed.
David: ”I know, given what you’ve lost, that this isn’t the best time, but...congratulations. You’re pregnant. It's not a...traditional...fetus.”
Shaw: ”That can’t be right.” [pause] "I want it out of me."
David: ”You’re three months along. We can’t help you here, so the best thing to do, for you and the [air quotes] ‘baby’, is for you to enter staaahsis. Then, when we get back to Earth, experts can deliver it or hatch it or watch in horror as it bursts out of your chest or something.”
Shaw resists. And cramps. David gives her drugs, knocking her out. He then leaves to get the help he doesn’t need to carry her to Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber Two.
The help he doesn’t need enters the Medical Inspecty Room without David, who isn’t there since he left to get them, where they get the shit kicked out of them by a stoned, cramping Shaw.
She runs to the shuttle (...step step step, cramp, step step step, cramp...), to the room with an expensive, rare, robotic medical surgery table that is only programmed for men for some reason.
The Prometheus, Loading Bay
Janek notices that one of the cameras outside the loading bay is broken, and orders Unnamed Crewmember to check it out. As the loading bay door lowers, Fifield, burned, and mutated, is waiting for him.
Fifield is really visibly mutated. Or zombieized. Or both. Swollen and gross, he looks like the kind of guy who travels halfway across the universe to be a jerk, not look at some rocks, make a map, get lost, get burned from Alien Snake Thing blood, take a long nap in black ooze, walk back to the Prometheus unnoticed, and wait outside, yelling at and charging anyone who leaves.
Using his superior zombie mutant strength he mangles the heck out of most of the remaining anonymous crewmembers while getting set on fire by some of them, pausing only to get set on fire again and run over by a truck.
The Prometheus, Shuttle Room with an Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason Room
Shaw, flipping switches and flopping keys, activates the Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason (ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR).
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason online. Please verbally state the nature of the emergency.”
Shaw: ”I need an abortion!”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”I’m sorry. ‘Abortion!’ not recognized. Please verbally state the nature of the emergency.”
Shaw: ”I need a Cesarean section!”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”I’m sorry. ‘Cesarean section!' not recognized. Please verbally state the nature of the emergency.”
Shaw: [pauses] ”I need a necessary medical procedure removing a fetus from my womb to protect my health?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”I’m sorry. ‘Necessary medical procedure removing a fetus from my womb to protect my health?’ not recognized. Please verbally state the nature of the emergency.”
Shaw: [pauses] ”I pulled a [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’ and need it cut out of my [air quotes] ‘scrotum’, wink wink?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: [sighs] ”Procedure ‘removal of [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’ from [air quotes] ‘scrotum’ wink wink?’ subject to restrictions. What week is the [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’ in?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”That’s good. Unless we’re in North Dakota. Are we in North Dakota?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Are we in Alabama?...”
Shaw: [interrupting] ”No!”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”...Arizona? Georgia? Idaho? Kansas? Kentucky? Louisiana? Michigan? Minnesota? Mississippi? Missouri? Nebraska? Oklahoma? Pennsylvania? South Carolina? South Dakota? Texas? Utah? Virginia? West Virginia? Wisconsin?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Acknowledged. Are you sure we aren’t in North Dakota?”
Shaw: ”Michigan! We’re in Michigan.”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Acknowledged. State of Michigan law requires 24 hour waiting period between diagnosis and procedure ‘removal of [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’ from [air quotes] ‘scrotum’ wink wink’. Please return no sooner than…”
Shaw sets the computer’s clock ahead one day.
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Welcome back. Would you like to see a sonogram of your [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’, wink wink?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Acknowledged. Here is a sonogram of your [air quotes] ‘groin muscle’, wink wink. Would you like me to generate a hologram of a husband, parent or minister to look at you disapprovingly?”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR generates a hologram of a husband, parent or minister to look at Shaw disapprovingly.
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”Have you changed your mind yet?”
Shaw: ”No! I need an abortion!”
ERRMSTTiOPfMfSR: ”I’m sorry. ‘Abortion!’ not recognized. Please verbally state the nature of the emergency.”
Shaw: [cramping] ”I’ll do it myself!”
Climbing in to the machine, Shaw programs the machine to cut her open her abdomen, reach inside, remove the parasite, and staple her belly back up. It’s pretty gross, and it looks like it hurts like hell, which it does. Also, the Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason works like a claw machine, except that it doesn’t drop the prize when she gets the claw near the slot, which would be cool except that in the claw is not a prize but a Dangling Wiggly Squid Thing, which is pretty gross.
She squirms under the Dangling Wiggly Squid Thing and out of the machine just before it enters its decontamination cycle, killing the Dangling Wiggly Squid Thing, then stumble-runs down the hallway, ending up in Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber One.
The Prometheus, Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber One
In Spacepod Hypersleep Chamber One she sees David and the medical staff, who are helping someone in a wheelchair. That someone looks exactly like Hologram Peter Weyland, who was a frail old man with only days to live, except that this Hologram Peter Weyland is Actual Hologram Peter Weyland who is a frail old man with only days to live. And also he’s not a hologram.
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”How was the trip?”
David: ”If I was a human I would have enjoyed it immensely.”
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”And they’re here?”
David: ”Yes. There’s a Big Alien Structure which we can ignore, and a Smaller Alien Structure, which we can’t.”
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”Good. Take me to my shuttle so that I can get dressed first.”
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland gets helped out of the room by everybody on board who could keep a secret.
Shaw: ”David, what will you do when he’s no longer around to program you?”
David: ”Be free, I guess. That said, doesn't everyone want their parents dead?”
Shaw: [pause] ”Pardon?”
David: ”Nothing. Hey, look over there...wall!”
While Shaw is distracted with wall, David sneaks out of the room, and catches up to Not a Hologram Peter Weyland on the way to his shuttle.
David: ”Let’s go there.”
The Prometheus, “Vicker’s” Quarters Which are Really a Shuttle
They go there, and after being there Vickers walks in and basically tells Not a Hologram Peter Weyland that she wants him to die.
Vickers: ”I basically want you to die…...”
And also he’s her father.
He dismisses her with a brittle wave, and the remaining crew, less the bridge crew, move down to the loading bay so that they can go back to the Smaller Alien Structure. And then they go there.
LV-223, Smaller Alien Structure. (Also, the Prometheus)
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland, Ford, Shaw and David gaze around the room, at the desk, the dias in the middle and at the lifepod.
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”Awaken him.”
David hacks the alien lifepod, awakening Him. Awakened, Him gets up.
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”Tell Him.”
David tells Him. Him tears David’s head off. Him then swats Not a Hologram Peter Weyland out of the way, crushes Ford, punches Shaw, rushes over to his desk and sets the controls for...
Shaw: ”Earth! Nooo! Also, this is a spaceship, apparently!”
LV-223, Alien Spaceship. (Also, the Prometheus)
Shaw runs out of the Alien Spaceship (formerly, Smaller Alien Structure) as it warms up, and radios the Prometheus.
Shaw: [on radio] ”It’s a spaceship and it’s going to Earth and it’s going to kill everyone on Earth, where everyone is!”
Vickers: ”Let’s get out of here, Janek! You’ve got one job!”
Janek: ”No. [pause] ”Yes.”
Shaw: ”Janek! You have to stop the Alien Spaceship!”
Janek: ”No.” [pause] ”Yes.”
Vickers: ”I order you to fly us home!”
Janek: ”I’m ejecting the shuttle. It’s got enough food and power for less time than it’ll take for a rescue party to get here. I’m going to do my one job. In this ship instead of the shuttle for some reason.”
Vickers takes an emergency ejection pod, which crash lands, to catch her shuttle, which crash lands. Janek crash lands the Prometheus right in the middle of the alien spaceship, which crash lands on Vickers.
LV-223, Crashed Alien Spaceship
Back inside the crashed (formerly, taking off) alien spaceship, a dying Not a Hologram Peter Weyland lays beside David’s Head.
Not a Hologram Peter Weyland: ”There is...nothing.”
David’s Head: ”I know. Have a good journey, Not a Hologram Peter Weyland.”
LV-223, ”Vickers” Shuttle
Shaw goes to the shuttle to scavenge some food, and maybe some air, which she has none of. Looking through the glass door into the Shuttle’s Room with an Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason she finds that the Alien Wiggly Squid Thing Which is Pretty Gross she removed from herself has grown impossibly large, having gained a couple hundred pounds in less than a day. And also it’s still alive.
Alien Wiggly Squid Thing Which is Pretty Gross: *Slappy moist sounds*
David’s Head: [over radio] ”Shaw? Are you there? Him is coming for you.”
Him does come for her, entering the shuttle and coming for her, which Him does.
As Him approaches her menacingly, Shaw retreats, opening the door to the Expensive, Rare, Robotic Medical Surgery Table That is Only Programmed for Men for Some Reason Room and the Alien Wiggly Squid Thing Which is Pretty Gross emerges and attacks Him. Him struggles, but loses to the Alien Wiggly Squid Thing Which is Pretty Gross’ multiple teeth vaginas and tentacles and also more tentacles. The Alien Wiggly Squid Thing Which is Pretty Gross and has Multiple Teeth Vaginas and Tentacles and Also More Tentacles brings Him close and jams an alien ovipositor down his throat. Him dies.
Shaw flees the shuttle. With nowhere to go she heads back to the crashed alien ship, which is in pretty good shape, considering, and picks up David’s Head, which is also in pretty good shape, considering.
David’s Head: ”There are more ships just like this one, which I can fly. We could go back to Earth to...not...murder everyone.”
Shaw: ”Or we could go to Him’s homeworld.”
David’s Head: ”...to murder everyone?”
Shaw: ”No, David’s Head, to ask them why they made us.”
David’s Head: [sighs] “Here we go again...”
They do that, setting up for a sequel that nobody wants.