* * * *
S C E N E O N E
[Lieutenant Ringley is in his office. Sergeant Daniels comes to his office door and knocks several times]
Lieutenant Ringley: Who's there?
Sergeant Daniels: Give some!
Lieutenant Ringley: Give me some who?
Sergeant Daniels: Give me some sugar!
[Lieutenant opens the door]
Lieutenant Ringley: What do you want?
Sergeant Daniels: [loudly] I said I want sugar!
Lieutenant Ringley: Go ask the US Army. They're all tinas de manteca de cerdo.
Sergeant Daniels: What's that?
Lieutenant Ringley: It's Spanish for "tubs of lard".
Sergeant Daniels: But you're British? You're not Spanish, are you?
Lieutenant Ringley: Are you stupid? We're stationed with a Spanish brigade! You have to have learned at least a little Spanish by now, haven't you?!
Sergeant Daniels: Wait... What's Spanish?
Lieutenant Ringley: You're an imbecile, Sergeant Daniels.
Sergeant Daniels: Sir, what's imbecile?
Lieutenant Ringley: Nevermind that!
Sergeant Daniels: Well Sir, you called me to see you, Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: Oh yeah sorry... Wait, did I? What do I want?
Sergeant Daniels: I don't know Sir, that's what I've come to find out.
Lieutenant Ringley: Well?
Sergeant Daniels: Well what, Sir?
Lieutenant Ringley: Oh! Have you found out what I want yet?
Sergeant Daniels: Er...no Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: Well go and find out won't you?!
Sergeant Daniels: Yes, Sir! Sorry Sir!
[Sergeant Daniels heads toward the door]
Lieutenant Ringley: Wait, I got it!
Sergeant Daniels: You wanted to see me, Sir?
Lieutenant Ringley: Jolly good, jolly good. Have a seat. Sherry?
Sergeant Daniels: Oh, thank you Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: Sorry, only got Brandy.
Sergeant Daniels: Never mind then, Sir. Now then what did you want to see me about?
Lieutenant Ringley: Well it's about one of these new recruits we've just taken on and I'm a little unsure about him.
Sergeant Daniels: Oh, Sir, which one?
Lieutenant Ringley: Private Sands. How's he getting on?
Sergeant Daniels: No problems at all Sir, gets on well with the lads. Indeed, he's got a fine military record. He served in Ireland prior to joining us.
Lieutenant Ringley: Oh, really which regiment?
Sergeant Daniels: The Irish Republicans, Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: So you haven't noticed anything odd about him?
Sergeant Daniels: No he gets on well with his entire platoon. He loves playing practical jokes. You remember Captain Carruthers had a birthday the other day? Well Private Sands bought him a present all the way from Ireland. The only thing was, when the Captain opened it up, it exploded. Hilarious! It even had the Corporal in stitches!
Lieutenant Ringley: Yes, 20 or 30 others so if I remember rightly. Have you really noticed nothing odd about him?
Sergeant Daniels: Well he does refer to us affectionately as "Murdering Fascist Protestant Scum", and there is the fact he has photos of Ian Paisley crucified upside down in his locker, if that is what you mean.
Lieutenant Ringley: No, not at all, only to be expected. I am actually referring to the way he puts his boots on without bothering to polish them. That's a disgrace to the platoon, and the Queen's Army.
Sergeant Daniels: Ok, Sir, I'll go and have a word.
Lieutenant Ringley: Yes, make sure you do that! If it got around that the British Army enlists untidy layabouts, why, it would be just as bad as if we'd enlisted somebody from a terrorist organization or something.
* * * *
S C E N E T W O
[Scene goes to the parade ground. Several men are lined up in front of Instructor Heeney in rows, including Private Bayswater who is standing up front]
Instructor Heeney: Right you 'orrible little bastards. I 'ave been told to 'ave a little word with you abaht wot you 'as been taught. Private Bayswater, 'ten-shun! Private Bayswater, you's in a trench. The enemy 'as you surrounded. There is a phone to HQ, but the line's been cut, what do you do?
Private Bayswater: Umm … no wait, let me think … uhh…
Instructor Heeney: [grabbing Private Bayswater by the collar] What do you do?!
Private Bayswater: Errr....Shit myself, Sir!
Instructor Heeney: Then what?!
Private Bayswater: Well, grab a white flag and wave it about a bit, Sir.
Instructor Heeney: [letting go of his collar] You do not grab a white flag, Private Bayswater, because it is not 'eroic. Whoever got into the history books through waving a white flag about? It just idn't done. No, you gets up out of your trench and yell, "Come and get me you cowardly bastards!" When they gun you down, you unfurl a Union Jack and give a chorus of "Rule Britannia" so that they will know that you are British. Then you die but in a nice straight-arms-by-the-waist attention position, not all flailing around like some dago. That will guarantee you, not only a posthumous VC, but a place in the 'istory books and isn't that what we're all 'ere for anyway? Got that?!
Pvt. Bayswater: Yes, Sir.
Instructor Heeney: Alright, demonstrate!
[Instructor Heeney draws a pistol and shoots Pvt. Bayswater who falls to the ground and grovels in agony]
Private Bayswater: Agh!
Instructor Heeney: No, no, no! That's not it at all! What a complete and utter waste of space! An absolute abortion! Words fail me! Et cetera, et cetera.
Private Sands: Die like a dog, swine!
[Sergeant Daniels approaches Instructor Heeney]
Instructor Heeney: [to the men in rows] What was that? Who said that? Who made that remark? Hmm? Who was it? I demand to know who said it right this instant!
Sergeant Daniels: Instructor Heeney?
Instructor Heeney: Yes Sir?
Sergeant Daniels: I've been instructed to have a word with Private Sands.
Instructor Heeney: I'll 'ave a word with 'im. In fact, let's both 'ave a word with him right 'ere in front of the rest of these sassafrass nillypants sissygirls.
Sergeant Daniels: Sands, at ease and forward please.
Instructor Heeney: [To the injured Bayswater] What's wrong wet fart?! Did your boy leave his uniform laying around so you thought you'd try it on and come down here and try us out, 'eh Mulan?!
Private Bayswater: I think I'm dying, Sir!
* * * *
S C E N E T H R E E
[The scene changes to outside of Lt. Ringley's office. He is reading the newspaper. Daniels and Sands approach his door and stand outside of it.]
Sergeant Daniels: Other than that, how have things been going along?
Private Sands: Very good.
Sergeant Daniels: Must be very different here than Ireland. Those damn Irish...always starting fights over football games with their bad teeth and what-not. The English and Irish are very different, you see.
[A phone rings on Lt. Ringley's desk. He answers it.]
Sergeant Daniels: Shh shh! [He puts his ear to the door] Listen.
[Private Sands puts his ear to the door as well]
Lieutenant Ringley: Well what happened? ... Uh-huh...uh-huh...well how did a grenade end up in his boot? ... Didn't he feel it in there when he started walking? ... Well that's a shame. How many limbs does he have left now? He was down to two as of August, right? ... One? Ah! He can still make himself useful. Make sure he gets some bedrest. Send him right to his bunk when the wound heals and I want him back active once the bleeding stops ... Infection? I wouldn't worry about that. This is the army, not a hospital.
Sergeant Daniels: Can I tell you something, Sands?
Private Sands: Only if you're not supposed to. Those are the best kinds of things to tell people. Secrets and confidential information and stuff...
Sergeant Daniels: The lieutenant is paranoid that there's a spy in our unit.
Private Sands: Why would he think that?
Sergeant Daniels: He hasn't been right since the Napoleon invasion.
Private Sands: Wasn't that like two centuries ago?
Sergeant Daniels: He watches a lot of historical documentaries. And Napoleon never invaded the isle. But it keeps him up at night.
Private Sands: Oh.
[Lieutenant Ringley hangs up the phone. Sergeant Daniels adjusts his tunic and walks in with Sands behind him.]
Sergeant Daniels: I hope I didn't interrupt anything, Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: No. Just another private losing a limb.
Private Sands: How'd that happen?
Lieutenant Ringley: Apparently a grenade was in his boot. Which doesn't make sense since you have to pull the pin and everything...
Sergeant Daniels: Tragic.
Private Sands: I hope they don't put more locks on the working explosives trailer. That wouldn't be very good.
Lieutenant Ringley: If your son keeps shooting his classmates, do you take away his gun? Of course not. You ground him and blame the gun manufacturer.
Private Sands: Good.
Lieutenant Ringley: I like your thinking, Private Sands. What's your name lad?
Private Sands: Private Sands.
Lieutenant Ringley: Good name.
Sergeant Daniels: Private Sands here has some interest in the covert ops program, Sir.
Lieutenant Ringley: As long as he keeps his boots polished.
Sergeant Daniels: Oh I told him, Sir. Boot etiquette is one of our priorities. Right before safety and unit effectiveness.
Lieutenant Ringley: And I do understand how difficult it is to keep your boots clean when there's just so much dirt. I remember when I was a private. Oh I could never keep my boots clean. So much dirt...it's getting to the point where you can't even go anywhere without there being some dirt.
Private Sands: Out of curiosity, how soon would it be that I would have access to important classified documents if I started the covert ops program?
Lieutenant Ringley: I think it'd be rather soon. You have a gander at some this evening if you'd like. They could use some proofreading. The gentlemen at the department are illiterate as all hell.
Sergeant Daniels: Sir, I don't think that's a very good idea...
Lieutenant Ringley: Nonsense!
Sergeant Daniels: But Sir --
Lieutenant Ringley: What?! What is this?! Insubordination! You'll hang in the gallows for treason! Bring him to Colonel Marlow's office this evening and have him do things. I don't know what they do there and I don't really want to know. I've heard stories, and I just don't need that in my life right now.
* * * *
S C E N E F O U R
[The scene is Colonel Marlow's office. In the office are he and his secretary, Richard. Sergeant Daniels and Private Sands enter.]
Sergeant Daniels: I was told you would be expecting Private Sands, Sir.
Colonel Marlow: What?! Stand to attention in the presence of a higher officer!
Richard: Yeah! Stand to attention!
Sergeant Daniels: You heard him, Sands.
[Sands is already standing to attention]
Colonel Marlow: I meant you!
Sergeant Daniels: Oh! Right Sir! [Stands to attention]
Colonel Marlow: Now where is this "Private Sands"?
Sergeant Daniels: Right next to me, Sir.
Colonel Marlow: Very well then. I understand that you have been assigned menial paperwork tasks involving highly sensitive documents that could endanger this company, this Army, and this country if they fell into the wrong hands, is that right son?
Private Sands: Yes Sir.
Colonel Marlow: Do you think you can handle that responsibility?
Private Sands: Pardon?
Richard: Do you think you can handle that type of responsibility?!
Sergeant Daniels: [To Richard] Are you even in the forces?
Richard: Internship. College credit.
Sergeant Daniels: Oh right. Woodward or Forton?
Colonel Marlow: No, Woodward.
Richard: Oh yeah. That's right. Woodward. I get those two confused. Similar spelling.
Private Sands: I can see why you need my assistance.
Colonel Marlow: Yes. Richard here is highly incompetent.
Richard: Highly incompetent.
Sergeant Daniels: Colonel, may I have a word with you in private? [he looks to Private Sands and Richard]
Colonel Marlow: Yes, of course. Excuse yourself.
[Private Sands exits the office]
Sergeant Daniels: ...Why is he still here?
Colonel Marlow: Richard? Richard is always here.
Richard: Always. He won't leave me to use the restroom. Luckily they issued me a canteen, but he says I can't keep it after I'm done here.
Sergeant Daniels: That'd...odd.
Richard: Don't question him!
Sergeant Daniels: Anyways Colonel, I don't think this is such a good idea. How often do we allow Privates access to these kinds of documents?
Colonel Marlow: We allowed Richard access to them, and he's majoring in welding at a community college.
Colonel Marlow: No, Woodward.
Richard: Woodward I mean.
Sergeant Daniels: I see. I too have a keen eye for taking two separate pieces of metal and making them become one. My father was a welder.
Colonel Marlow: To the issue at hand...if you have a real reason why this would be an issue, then speak up. Otherwise, I'm going to completely jeopardize the security of our military whether you like it or not.
Richard: Completely. Jeopardize. Don't care about your feelings.
Sergeant Daniels: Well, the Lieutenant thinks there's a spy.
Colonel Marlow: Baloney! That Lieutenant is more screwed up than a fish in a blender.
Richard: I was just going to say that! I couldn't agree more, Colonel!
Sergeant Daniels: ...A what in a what?
Colonel Marlow: That man is a poppycock. Do you think he takes his job as seriously as I do?
Richard: Did you get that?
Sergeant Daniels: Yes, I got it. But don't you mean that he is poppycock?
Richard: Oh good. Thanks for joining the conversation now.
Colonel Marlow: Way to lay the heat on him. Lay it on him some more!
Richard: Your moustache looks like a caterpillar with scoliosis, Sergeant!
Colonel Marlow: That might have been too far.
Richard: I thought so too. Sorry Sergeant.
Colonel Marlow: Don't apologize to him!
Richard: I rescind my apology now. I meant to say something less insulting but you apparently deserved it.
Private Sands: [poking his head in] Can I come in now and see these documents?
Colonel Marlow: Yes, please come in. And Sergeant, could you polish his shoes? They appear rather dirty.
* * * *
S C E N E F I V E
[The scene is the same office sometime later. Richard and Sergeant Daniels are gone. Only Private Sands and Colonel Marlow are in the office looking at paperwork.]
Colonel Marlow: Son, take a break.
Private Sands: Are you sure? I'm really getting into this. It's so fascinating. I'm really learning a lot about sensitive strategic positions.
Colonel Marlow: Yes, well... [He stares at the wall] Do you see that portrait, son?
Private Sands: [looks over] What portrait?
Colonel Marlow: The one directly in front of me.
Private Sands: No I don't.
Colonel Marlow: I do ... I see a portrait of me. Uniform, decorative badges, gray hair, and my years spent devoted to service which have left me impotent. Of course, I already have three of those going for me and I'm not telling you which.
Private Sands: Why would there be a portrait of you on that wall?
Colonel Marlow: I imagine it to be me ... a portrait of me on this wall in the office of the next Colonel who I hope to have shaped and made a better man. Every time he looks up here, he'll see me and my unconventional wisdom...does that make me sound like a poof at all to you, Private?
Private Sands: A little bit, Sir.
[Richard walks into the office]
Colonel Marlow: Do you see the portrait yet, Richard?
Richard: Yes, I do. I've seen it since the day you told me about it.
Colonel Marlow: Dammit Richard. You know what I've just realized? I've just realized that it's you. This is all your fault.
Richard: I agree. It probably is my fault.
Colonel Marlow: There it is again! You're making me do things! Always giving me ideas. I feel like I have no thoughts or actions of my own. You influence me in ways that aren't healthy, Richard.
Richard: But Sir, all I've ever done is agree with you and brown nose. How do you figure this?
Colonel Marlow: Finally you've stopped! Every bad idea of this department has been of your conniving manipulation over me! This portrait I see ... it's actually you! God damn you Richard!
Richard: Sir, I've supported you behind everything YOU have done. Like the time you accidentally bombed that Chechen village on the 5th of November because you thought carpet bombing would be a good substitute for a fireworks display, which we didn't have because you used the fireworks to scare the recruits into thinking we were under attack for April Fool's.
Colonel Marlow: Actually Richard, I ... I convinced myself it was your doing. I think I even wrote it in the report that it was all your idea and your fault.
Richard: You did what?!
Colonel Marlow: I should have listened. The investigation of espionage into this department ends with you, but I was too blind to see it because you kept telling me that you weren't a spy.
Richard: Maybe I am.
Colonel Marlow: Well, are you?
Richard: Do you want me to be?
Colonel Marlow: No, not really.
Richard: Then I'm not.
Colonel Marlow: There it is! Do you see it Private Sands?
Private Sands: Yes Sir, I do. Don't let him think what he wants you to think, though you originally thought of it.
Colonel Marlow: I did?
Richard: Did you?
Colonel Marlow: I'd like to think I did.
Richard: Well, you did.
Colonel Marlow: Lies! I must make decisions and thoughts of my own accord! Stop with the Jedi mind tricks!
Richard: Sir, did you have your coffee this evening?
Colonel Marlow: I'm not sure if I did or not.
Richard: Me neither, Sir ... me neither.
Colonel Marlow: Sands, call the MPs. I want Richard arrested for treason.
Richard: Yes, that's probably for the best. Wait, I mean uh -- no, no you don't.
Colonel Marlow: Nevermind Sands. I think it stopped.
Richard: Yes Sir. Erm ... I mean, no, it didn't Sir.
Colonel Marlow: Much better.
* * * *
S C E N E S I X
[The scene is still Colonel Marlow's office. Marlow and Richard are seated. A man and a woman in uniforms come to the door and knock: Bertrand and Beatrice]
Richard: I got it.
[Richard answers the door]
Bertrand: Good evening, my name is Bertrand. I'm from MI5. This is my partner Beatrice.
Beatrice: We're investigating possible infiltration of your company.
Richard: Oh. Come on in please.
[They enter the office. Richard stands behind Colonel Marlow who is sitting at his desk]
Colonel Marlow: What's the meaning of this now?
Bertrand: Are you aware that your outfit has been infiltrated by an Irish nationalist?
Colonel Marlow: Whose outfit hasn’t been infiltrated by an Irish nationalist these days?
Beatrice: Every one except yours, Colonel.
Richard: It's that Sergeant Daniels fellow. I knew it!
Bertrand: Sergeant who?
Colonel Marlow: Richard, shut up.
Beatrice: Bertrand, find out who Sergeant Daniels is.
[Bertrand heads out the door]
Colonel Marlow: Wow, who wears the pants in that relationship, huh?
Beatrice: Have you ever been court marshaled, Colonel?
Colonel Marlow: Not recently; why do you ask?
Beatrice: You're erring close to it. Colonel, is it true that on the 5th of November of last year that you indiscriminately carpet bombed a Chechen village?
Colonel Marlow: That was my secretary Richard's doing. Perhaps if you read the report you would know that.
Richard: I had no part in that incident.
Beatrice: Colonel, isn't it also true that there have been a series of sabotages and terrorist attacks within your outfit?
Colonel Marlow: Absolutely not! My men may be stupid, but they're not terrorists!
Richard: Actually Sir, there have been some rumors floating about.
Beatrice: Regarding what?
Richard: A particular recruit named Bayswater.
Beatrice: May I speak with him?
Colonel Marlow: Oh.
Beatrice: What do you mean "oh"?
Colonel Marlow: Well he's uh ... umm... as of late, he's rather ...
Colonel Marlow: But if you read the report I made about it, you'll clearly see that it's all Richard's fault. You should probably speak with Instructor Heeney about it.
Beatrice: We're two steps ahead of you, Colonel. Instructor Heeney said we should speak with you. We also spoke with one of the recruits, and he said the same thing. He referred to you as a "treacherous dog" and "Loyalist pig".
Colonel Marlow: The new recruits are agitated. They're such fine young lads, and they would be happy to know that the blood, toil, tears and sweat they spend serving their country is impressive to us all, but I cannot inform them of this as they would gain a false sense of self-respect and demand silly things like new coffee filters or shoes. This is unacceptable. [He looks over to his wall] Do you see that portrait over there?
Beatrice: Colonel Marlow, enough nonsense. Are you prepared to cooperate with our investigation?
Colonel Marlow: As long as none of this gets back to my wife.
Beatrice: Colonel Marlow! Are you going to sit here and tell me that you have had no suspicion, or indications, that among the men under your command is a spy?
Colonel Marlow: Now, I can say yes or no. But I'm curious: which answer will make me look better and get my portrait up on that wall?
Beatrice: There is no portrait on that wall, Colonel!
[There is a long silence. Colonel Marlow slowly buries his face into his hands.]
Colonel Marlow: [upset] Please leave my office.
[Sergeant Daniels enters with Private Sands]
Sergeant Daniels: Colonel, I've got Private Sands here to help you file documents.
Beatrice: Who are you?
Sergeant Daniels: Sergeant Daniels. And you?
Beatrice: I'll be asking the questions.
Sergeant Daniels: Stern but sexy. I like that.
[Beatrice looks to Sands, smiling. Private Sands smiles back. Richard consoles the weeping Colonel Marlow]
Colonel Marlow: She said there's no portrait.
Richard: Don't listen to her, Sir. She's a woman.
Sergeant Daniels: Wait, do you two know each other or something?
Beatrice: Us? Oh. We know one another from uh ...
Private Sands: Service in Ireland.
Beatrice: What? No. Not that. Well, yeah. That, but not only that.
Sergeant Daniels: Who the bloody hell are you anyways?
Richard: She says there's a spy. She's here to investigate.
Sergeant Daniels: Ooooh ... Oh. Hey, wait a minute.
Bertrand: I couldn't find Sergeant Daniels.
Beatrice: He's right here. [points to Sergeant Daniels]
Sergeant Daniels: Hello.
Bertrand: Oh hi.
Colonel Marlow: Sergeant Daniels ... didn't you say something about the Lieutenant thinking there was a spy? And didn't you think it wasn't a good idea Private Sands worked in my office because of it?
Sergeant Daniels: What? No.
Richard: I think you did.
Colonel Marlow: Dammit Richard!
Richard: Oh I'm sorry Sir. He didn't.
Bertrand: He did, or he didn't?
Sergeant Daniels: Can I have a word with you alone, Colonel?
Bertrand: Actually, we were here first talking to him. Then you interrupted.
Private Sands: So can I see some files now or what?
Beatrice: Just a minute here.
[Colonel Marlow's phone rings. He answers it]
Colonel Marlow: Hello? ... Yes ...
Beatrice: Private Sands, can I have a word with you outside?
Private Sands: Sure.
[The two of them step outside the office. They run off.]
Colonel Marlow: What do you mean two naked bodies?! ... A female body? ... How did she look? ... Oh yeah? On a scale of one to ten ... minxy! What about the male body?
Sergeant Daniels: Sir!
Colonel Marlow: Oh! Right. Well I must be going now. This lady and gent are here asking a bunch of questions ... yeah they said there were from MI5. How'd you know? Oh. Ooooooh ... shite. Alright well call me later and let me know who won the game. Alright, ciao. [Hangs up]
Sergeant Daniels: What was that about?
Colonel Marlow: Just another dead hooker and her pimp, stripped naked and laying outside the barracks. Probably gang related. Where'd Sands go?
Sergeant Daniels: Let me check. [Opens the door and pokes his head out] I'm not sure. That one lady isn't here either.
Colonel Marlow: Eh, she'll make off with his wallet, riding off into the sunset and taking his heart with her. Right Richard?
Richard: Absolutely! Erm, I mean absolutely not, Sir.
Colonel Marlow: Good man.
Bertrand: Just so you know, I have orders to bring you in for further questioning, Colonel.
Sergeant Daniels: I don't think so. I know what's going on here.
Colonel Marlow: Shush! Let him finish. I think he has something important to say! Go on Bertrand. Finish.
Bertrand: That was it. All I had to say was "Just so you know, I have orders to bring you in for further questioning, Colonel." And then I was going to take you off the base and kill you.
Colonel Marlow: Oh very well then. Richard, grab my coat will you? [The Colonel stands up]
Sergeant Daniels: Colonel!
Colonel Marlow: What? What is it now?
Sergeant Daniels: This man is an Irish spy! He's not here from MI5! He's here to kill you, and his "partner" Beatrice just made off with Sands who was a spy as well! Those two corspes were --
Colonel Marlow: Now Daniels, don't start making accusations. These people are here to investigate the possibility of espionage. If you have anything that could help them in their investigation then please let them know. Espionage is a very serious matter.
Richard: Sir, I actually think Sergeant Daniels is right. I think this Bertrand fellow is here to kill you.
Bertrand: Actually, I'm going to have to kill all three of you now.
Colonel Marlow: Over my dead body!
Sergeant Daniels: How are we going to get rid of this guy? Is anyone here actually armed?
Bertrand: I am.
Sergeant Daniels: Oh well that's good.
[Bertrand pulls out a pistol and starts loading it.]
Colonel Marlow: Richard, I know you wouldn't want to live with the PTSD and survivor's guilt that will come about after the Sergeant and I are murdered while you live on.
Colonel Marlow: Bertrand, you should probably know that Richard is wearing a bullet-proof vest.
Richard: God dammit Sir!
[Instructor Heeney approaches the office door and knocks. Bertrand answers]
Bertrand: Oh, hello Instructor.
Colonel Marlow: This is it. This is my chance! For the portrait!
Sergeant Daniels: Help Instructor! We're going to die!
[Colonel Marlow grabs Bertrand from behind and pulls him back from the door. Bertrand and the Colonel struggle. Instructor Heeney steps in, draws his gun, and aims for Bertrand. Bertrand ducks just as Instructor Heeney shoots. Colonel Marlow is shot and falls to the ground. Bertrand quickly shoots Instructor Heeney, who is stunned by having just shot the Colonel. Richard runs to Colonel Marlow's aid. Sergeant Daniels attacks Bertrand and the two struggle. Richard gets up quickly, grabs Instructor Heeney's pistol and aims it at Bertrand who is grappling with Sergeant Daniels.]
Richard: Stop or I'll shoot!
Bertrand: You're holding it backwards.
Richard: No I'm not! I've seen the movies!
[Bertrand and Sergeant Daniels let go of one another slowly. Bertrand holds his hands up at gunpoint. Sergeant Daniels moves towards Colonel Marlow's desk and uses the phone to call for help.]
Sergeant Daniels: We need MPs and a medvee in the Colonel's office! [He hangs up] Who knows first aid?
Bertrand: I do.
[Sergeant Daniels grabs the phone from off the desk and strikes Bertrand in the head with it, knocking him unconscious to the floor]
Richard: Much better.
Colonel Marlow: [gurgling] What the ... what the hell ... that ... was my good phone. ["dies"]
[Sergeant Daniels kneels to him]
Sergeant Daniels: Don't die on me Sir!
Instructor Heeney: [gurgling] Yeah just ... just ... forget about me ... I'm an ancillary character ... I'm not ... not ... not ... important! ["dies"]
[Sergeant Daniels kneels to him]
Sergeant Daniels: Don't die on me Sir!
Colonel Marlow: [gurgling] Wait ... I'm not ... not ... dead yet. [dies]
[Sergeant Daniels kneels to him]
Sergeant Daniels: Don't die on me Sir!
Instructor Heeney: [gurgling] There's no hope ... for him ... I need some ... some ... dammit, what do they give you on the battlefield when you're injured?
Sergeant Daniels: Band Aids?
Instructor Heeney: Band Aids! [dies]
Sergeant Daniels: Dammit! [sighs] Well, at least the confusion has been cleared up. [stands up] We know now who the spy was in our outfit, and we can report this information to the --
Richard: [aiming his gun at Sergeant Daniels] Lo siento, Sergeant.
Sergeant Daniels: Wait, what?
Richard: Lo siento. It means "I'm sorry" in Spanish.
Sergeant Daniels: Wait ... what's Spanish?
[Richard fires the pistol]
* * * *
C U R T A I N