UnScripts:OH SHIT!!!! I Fucked My Girlfriend's Mother!!!!

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“Take a look at my girlfriend's mother, she's the only one I got. Ba ba da da.”
~ Gym Class Heroes on girlfriend's mother
“Oops, I did it again.”
~ Your girlfriend's mother on fucking another one of her daughter's boyfriends

This event takes place in Atlanta, Georgia. This event is about a 18 year old boy named Gregory "Greg" Johnson, a well meaning but not-so-bright boy who has done something he shouldn't have with Caroline Anderson, seductive mother of his sexy girlfriend, Sara Anderson. He seeks advice from best friends Carlos Patterson and Lisa Durham, and wise neighbor Mr. Thomas (who looks like Morgan Freeman), and includes a dog named Sparky. Others not worth mentioning are also included in this event. This event gives us a lesson by Greg himself on why we should date girls with ugly moms and knowing consequences when we don't.

INT. In bed - Morning
Elisha-cuthbert-3 copy

Mrs. Anderson is so damn hot. No wonder I fucked her last night.

Greg
Yaaaaaawn. Wow, I really overslept today. My parents are going to get on my ass again, but at least it's not a school day, or they'll be really pissed. But in the end, it's worth the risk, ain't that right Sara.....Huh?
Caroline
Morning Greg.
Greg
Mmmmmmmrs. Anderson? What are you doing in here?
Caroline
This is my bed, silly. And this is also my room. Don't you remember what happened last night?
Greg
(realizing the fact they're both naked and sweaty, after 30 seconds of recovering from a hangover he finally remembers what has happened last night)
Oh, ummm.... yeah....uh.....I remember....
Caroline
That was one hell of a night, wasn't it sweetie?
Greg
Oh, umm......yeah.... sure was.
Caroline
*giggles* Sara knows how to pick them.
Greg
Yeah, she sure does. Well, I have to go, before my folks get worried.
Caroline
Aww, such a shame. I'm going to miss you.
(puts clothing on)
Greg
Well, see you later, Mrs. Anderson.
Caroline
Bye sweetie.
(winks)

Greg leaves the house, then walks 2 miles away from Caroline and Sara's house, and then stops at the middle of the road and screams at the top of his lungs...

Greg
OH SHIT!!!! I Fucked My Girlfriend's Mother!!!!
Random Pedestrian 1
Ha ha ha. What a loser. Hey everybody! He had sex with his girlfriend's mother. What a loser. Hahahaha...
Random Pedestrian 2
Oh shut up Bob! Let me remind you that you had sex with your sister last week.
Greg
Hahaha. Now that's just disgusting. Look who's the loser now.

Everybody laughs.

Random Pedestrian 1
Oh fuck you all to hell!
Back at the House
Greg goes into his house, walking by mom and dad as he attempts to go upstairs.
Greg
Hi mom, hi dad...
Mom
Where the hell have you been?!? I was worried sick about you!
Greg
Uhhh...
Dad
Now dear, he's an eighteen year old man now. I think he can handle himself...
Mom
Harold, he's been gone all night, and made no effort to call us. Something could have happened to him.
Dad
Listen, when I was a boy, me and my buddies would go all over town at night, and we didn't go home home until the crack of dawn. And we didn't had cell phones or anything like that, yet my folks were okay with...
Mom
Harold, your parents wouldn't mind you jumping of the Empire State Building with an umbrella.
Dad
Oh you did not just talk about my parents that way...
Greg
Guys, calm dawn. If you really want to know, I was at Best Buy last night looking for a new T.V. to replace the one in my room that Carlos busted. But I lost track of time and sleepiness overwhelmed me to the point I couldn't drive home, and my cellphone's batteries died, so I had no choice but to slept in the video game section.
Mom
Interesting, I called Mr. Howards, the store manager, to see if you were there, and he said he didn't even see you inside the store.
Greg
Oh you know how Mr. Howards is, being an alcoholic and a drug user. Once twelve o'clock hits, he gets so knocked out that he can't even notice someone five inches in front of him.
Mom
Well, you do have a point. I'm surprised that man is even manager in the first place. But at least you're not hurt in anyway.
Greg
Ahh mom you know me; I bring home kisses, not scars. Well I better get upstairs and get ready for the day. Love you both.
(he hugs his mother, then heads upstairs to his room)

Damn it. I hate lying to my parents. It always makes me feel like a disloyal son. But I just can't tell them what really happened last night, especially since Sara's mom was involved; they both would seriously beat my ass to Jupiter and back. If I did it with Sara, then it would be at least acceptable, to my father at least. And I don't want this passing among people, especially Sara. If she ever found out about this, not only would I have nobody to take to the upcoming prom, as well as my reputation being ruined, but I would live the rest of my days with a prosthetic penis. And what kind of girl will ever go out with a dude with a plastic ding-dong attached to his scrotum. Even Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even want to. I really put my self in a pickle this time. I need someone to tall to about this. I need some advice. And since mom and dad would kill me, I better rely on my two best friends, Carlos and Lisa. Though Carlos is a pervert and Lisa can be such a violent bitch at times, they're the only two people I can truly trust, especially in a situation like this.

(he picks up phone and calls Carlos)

Carlos, my man. How are you? I'm good. Listen, you seem a bit preoccupied, but do you mind taking your hand off your dick for a few minutes, because this is really important. Thank you, buddy, I won't be long. I kinda got myself in a pretty big situation and I need your help. No, I didn't twisted my testicles on my skateboard again; this is far more serious. I need to talk about it in person, so can you call Lisa and meet me at Burger King? Ya I know you're a vegetarian, but it ain't going to kill you. Never mind about my dentist appointment today. How the hell do you even know about that? Never mind, just get your ass over to Burger King okay? Why not at my house. Well, it's one of those situations where if my parents found out, you'd be looking for a new best friend. Yeah that bad. Great, see you at twelve! You're my bro! Bye!

(he hangs up)
Man, sometimes Carlos can be such a pain in the ass. Yet, I have to admit, he's always been good to me in my time of need. Well, minus the time he got us both in jail, and that other time he almost burned my house down, and the time before that when he thought spray painting my evil neighbor's house while trying to outrun his vicious pitbull was a good idea, and so on. Other than that, he's a good friend indeed.
INT Burger King
Lisa
You did what?!? You've got to be kidding. You're serious? I can't believe this.
Carlos
I can hardly believe this myself. Of all people who would cheat on their girlfriend, the last person I would expect to do such a stupid thing would be you. You should be ashamed of yourself, man.
Gynecologist not

Carlos, one of my best friends. Yet also a pervert.

Greg
Carlos, I didn't cheat on my girlfriend; I just had sex with her mother.
Lisa
That's still cheating, Greg.
Greg
No it’s not. It's called "accidental sleeping with my girlfriend's mother".
Lisa
That doesn't even exist.
Carlos
Yeah, now you're barely making any sense, man.
Greg
I'm making better sense than your face at least.
Carlos
What are you talking about, fool? This face is pure beautiful, just like Megan Fox.
Lisa
Alright, knock it off, both of you. How about we try to act our age today?
Greg
But he started it.
Lisa
(serious look)
Do you want me to finish it?
'Greg:.. I'll shut up now.
Lisa
That's what I thought.
Carlos
On a lighter note, was she pretty hot?
Lisa
Carlos!
Carlos
Sorry
Lisa
Now I would usually beat you to a bloody pulp for being such an unfaithful boyfriend, but in a case like this, I'll keep my fists to myself and help you out with this hole you've got yourself into. But first I would like to ask this question; why did you choose Burger King as the place to discuss your situation. You're usually a Taco Bell person.
Greg
When I'm put into an uncomfortable situation like this, I tend to eat a lot to calm my nerves. And Burger King's food seems to really help me out the most. Don't know why, but they must have put in some kind of spice that can ease emotional tension. Guess that's why some depressed people are obese. Hey waiter, another double whopper!
Waiter
You keep this up, and you'll end up on the Biggest Loser.
Greg
Hahaha, very funny.
Carlos
I thought it was hilarious. But you know that I'm Hindu. You could have chosen Pizza Hut at least.
Greg
No, I hate Pizza Hut. That's where all the homos and mother fuckers hang out.
Carlos
Like you?

Carlos and Lisa and the waitress laugh.

Greg
Damn it! Actually, what I meant to say is that Pizza Hut gives me indigestion as well as diarrhea thats looks like dirty water....
Lisa
Okay, that was too much information. Now, I would like to hear your pathetic excuse about having sex with Sara's mother?
Carlos
And make it snappy. Being in here makes feel bad about becoming a cow in my next life.
Lisa
I highly doubt that would happen, Carlos.
Carlos
Lisa, just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you can make me doubt my own belief.
Greg
I think she means that, because of your perverted life style, you wouldn't even become close of coming back as a cow. You'll probably come back as a dog who humps on everything.

Lisa and Greg laugh.

Carlos
You two are a bunch of assholes. So get to the story already.
Greg
Well, here's the story. I was kissing Sara good night, and after she went in, Mrs. Anderson came outside with a very attractive outfit to take the garbage out. Once she did that, me and her talked for a whole. It was during this time that my male genes kicked in and....
Carlos
Your male genes? That's called lust, dude. If I had a quarter for every made up reason you thought of in your head, I would be as rich as Bill Gates.
Greg
As I was saying, after we talked for some time, she invited me into her house while Sara was asleep. She then offered me a drink of Mike's Hard Lemonade; well, it was more like three glasses. And when the effect of the alcohol took place we went into her room. Then she pulled down my pants, and began to blow on my....
Lisa
Woah woah, I don't need the details of what you did to her.
Carlos
Lisa, don't disturb the story. That's completely rude.
Greg
Thank you Carlos. At least someone is willing to listen to my... what the hell? Carlos, are you jacking-off?
Carlos
......No.
Greg
Then why is your hand in your jeans
Lisa
Carlos, that's disgusting.
Greg
Now I'm not going to finish my story. You just completely ruin the moment. My stories of my life are not your source of pleasure.
Carlos
What can I say? If something turns me on, I have to relieve of the tension inside of me.
Greg
And you say I need help.
Carlos
Oh shut up, Greg. But, this is indeed a problem, and as your best friend, I really think you need to talk this over with Sara.
Greg
Carlos, as much as I love taking your wise advice, I would ask you: Are you bat fuck insane?
Carlos
No man. You see, when it comes to knowledge about girls, I'm a pro. And i know for a fact that girls prefer guys telling the truth than lying or keeping secrets from them. You of all people should know from experience about lying to your girlfriends.
Lisa
As much as I hate to admit it, he does have a point.
Greg
He has no point.
Carlos
And you have no balls.
Lisa
Ooh, good one Carlos. But seriously, he has a point. Let me remind you the time that you told to me that you were coming to my 16th birthday party. Instead of celebrating sixteen years of life with me, you decided to go out with your friends to play video games.
Greg
Oh yeah, the scars I receive from you reminds me of that every day. Okay, I see your point, Carlos.
Carlos
What can I say? I'm a pro. And here's another fact; when it comes to keeping secrets from girlfriends, you're not exactly skilled at it.
Greg
Don't worry about me I've gotten better at it. I have been training with a friend of mine. And thanks to all those weeks of secret-keeping training, I won't have a problem keeping this little secret from Sara. If politicians can do it, then so can I."

Sara enters the scene.

Sara
Hey Sweetie pie!
Greg
Oh, he...he...hey Sara! Ho...ho...how are you?
53.3

That's Sara, my girl. I know, she's super hot. Don't get any bright ideas you guys, and you too lesbian girls.

Sara'
Kind of tired. My mom had another guy over, and when she has her boyfriends over, I can't get any sleep with all that thrashing and screaming.
Sara
Awww, that's so sweet, Carlos. But I got Greg for that.
Carlos
Still, if you want to, you know where I lived.
Sara
  • giggles* I'll keep that in mind. Um, Greg, are you ok? You look nervous.
Greg
Nervous? Oh no, I'm not nervous. Why would be I be nervous? There's nothing for me to be nervous about.
Carlos
That's not the way I see it.... OW!!!! Damn it Lisa! You hurt my beautiful face!
Sara
Well, okay. So movie at six?
Greg
Sure, sure. Movie. At six. Great.
Sara
After that?
Greg
Mother's room.
Sara
What?
Greg
Errr... I meant Feathers Broom Peak. Yeah.
Carlos
Feathers Broom Peak sounds good. In fact, we should make this a double date. I think Sara knows a good looking girl she could hook me up with.
Lisa
Would you rather be hooked up with my fist?

Carlos, with a worried expression, remains silent.

Sara
Lisa, don't be mean to the poor Hindu; he deals enough with not eating meat. And Carlos, this is a date just for me and Greg, so maybe next time. Oh jeez, look at the time. I better get ready for tonight. Make sure you look your best tonight Greg.
Greg
Oh I will. I'll be so good looking, that Brad Pitt would be so jealous of my looks.
Sara
(seductively)
Okay, see you then sweetie.

Sara sexually walks away. Greg puts his head and arms on the table.

Greg
I'm doomed.
Lisa
Pretty much. But don't worry, if she does so happens to kill you, I'll make sure you get a proper burial instead of going down the river in little pieces in a sack.
Greg
Thank you Lisa, I know I can count on you for anything.... Carlos, stop jacking-off!
Carlos
Hey, it's not my fault your girlfriend is so damn hot.
Lisa
Damn it, Carlos! Really, in public? That's so disgusting. I can't imagine how many people shake hands with you.
Greg
You are the grosses Hindu I have ever known in my life.
Carlos
At least I'm not a mother fucker!
Greg
...Ok, that was a good one.
Carlos
What can I say? I'm a natural.
Greg
I am so lucky to have you as my best friend. You never cease to amaze me.
Carlos
Anytime man. Anytime.
Lisa
Awwwww, you two make a good couple.
Both Greg and Carlos
Hey!
EXT. Feather Broom Peak - NIGHT

Greg and Sara are in Greg's truck watching the stars.

Sara
That was a good movie. I like watching Disney movies with princesses since I was a litle girl. They remind me of myself; sweet, caring, and beautiful..
Greg
More like fucking gorgeous.
Sara
Oh Greg, you're so silly. I must say, it's a beautiful view here. You picked a perfect place to take in a view of the night sky
Greg
I know what the ladies like.
Sara
That's obvious.
Greg
(thinking to himself)
Alright, here I am, with my girlfriend. Fact: She's my girlfriend. Fact: I fucked her mother. Fact: She's unaware that I fucked her mother. Fact: I can't keep it to myself that I fucked my girlfriend's mother. Fact: Carlos has a big penis. Wait, where the hell did that came from? Scratch that last thought. Should I be a man tell her the truth and receive what's coming to me, or should I keep it to myself and live my whole life in denial. No, I must tell her. Despite the fact she may kill me, she's my girlfriend, and she has the right to know.
Greg
Sara, I have something to say....
Sara
You know, I'm glad to have a man like you. Someone I can trust. Someone who won't go behind my back. Someone who won't go off to a hotel with another woman. Just something you don't find in a man nowadays. Most guys are just fucked up. But not you. You're sweet, kind, and most importantly, trustworthy. Oh I'm sorry, what were you going to say?
Greg
(after 10 seconds of silence)
Your hair is so beautiful today. It really shows out your eyes.
Sara
Awwww, thank you, sweetie pie!
Greg
(thinking to himself)
Some man I am.
Sara
Now you know what we have to do, right?
Greg
Can you give me a hint.
Sara
Well, it involves the back of the truck, and it's kinda like playing a game of wrestling, if you know what I mean.
(she winks)
Greg
(thinking happily to himself)
On second thought, I am the man.

Both Sara and Greg head to the back of the truck and after making out for 5 minutes they began playing birds and the bee's.

Sarah
Oh Greg!
Greg
Oh Caroline!
Pink panther

I'll give you a hint, I'm the dog.

Sara
Caroline?
Greg
(To himself)
Aw shit. Nice one.
(outloud)
Sorry, I get you confused with your mother. You two look the same, except you're more beautiful.
Sara
Oh, okay. Though I must admit, some people mistake us both as twins, but enough about that. Shall we continue?
Greg
Sure, why not.
Sara
Then lead the way, sweetie.

Without further ado, they continue the love game. Due to the explicit content of this scene, all images and even words describing it are censored.

EXT. Neighborhood
Normdog

Man where is this dog's owner? Probably abandoned him because this dog likes to be a complete ass.

Greg
Damn, last night was something. I have to say though, I now know where Sara gets all her skills from. My entire lower body is hurting from all that. And the truck is not doing any better; it could not handle all that intensity. And it was a rental, too. Yet it was worth it. But i nearly ruined the night by accidentally mentioning Sara's mother. I just can't get this out if my head. I just don't know what to do. Maybe Carlos is right.... but if I tell the truth it would end our relationship and ruin my reputation.... what the fuck? Sparky! Damn it! How many times do I have to tell you I am not a tree.
Sparky
Bark, bark.
Greg
Don't give me that! I'm not a retard.
Sparky
Woof, woof.
Greg
Don't talk about my mother like that!
Sparky
Bark, woof.
Greg
Oh, now you're going to name calling. For man's best friend, you're just as immature as my little brother.
Sparky
Bark
Greg
Why you little.... Oh, hey Mr. Thomas!
Mfgodd

People are right, he does look like Morgan Freeman.

Mr. Thomas
Good morning Greg. It's a beautiful one, isn't it?I
Greg
Oh, yeah it is. Very beautiful.
Mr. Thomas
I believe you are currently in a uncomfortable situation.
Greg
Me? Oh no, why you have think that?
Mr. Thomas
Boy, you don't fool me. I can tell what someone's going through just by looking at them.
Greg
Well, yeah, I am.
Mr. Thomas
And I believe it has something to do with Caroline Anderson.
Greg
....How you know that.
Mr. Thomas
You told the entire neighborhood yesterday. I must say, you do have such an impressively loud voice. But don't be ashamed, I know what you are going through.
Greg
You had sex with someone's mother too?
Mr. Thomas
Oh no. Being a true Christian, I don't do any kind of fornication; sex was made for marriage. But my son has been in a similar situation. When he came to me for my help, I suggested that he should tell the truth.
Greg
Is that the reason why he died?
Mr. Thomas
Yes, I'm afraid. But that's because he didn't tell me she was the sister of a dangerous gangster. Nevertheless, at least he died with dignity instead of living in regret.
Greg
You know what, you're right. I should face up to my fears and tell Sara the truth. And if she kills me, so be it. At least I get to see my great great grandma who was killed by that great plague in Poland. Wish me luck!

Greg walks away, limpy because he's still sore from last night.

Mr. Thomas
Good luck! Go get em' tiger!
Sparky
Woof, woof.
Mr. Thomas
Don't worry, if it's the Lord's will he might survive. And if not, I'll be sure to give a good speech at his funeral.
INT. Sara's House
Sara
I'm glad you could come over to help out with our science project due Tuesday. I can hardly do this myself.
Greg
No problem. I'm always willing to lend a hand to an damsel in need.
Sara
You're such a gentleman. And when we're done, I will reward you with something special.
Greg
Ooh, I can hardly wait.
Sara
(seductively)
Me too.
(winks)

Caroline enters the room with two cups of coffee.

Caroline
Do you two want any coffee?
Sara
Why, that's very nice of you, mother. Thank you.
Caroline
It's nice to see you again Greg.
Greg
Oh yeah, same here Mrs. Anderson.
Caroline
Please, call me Caroline.
(she giggles)
I have the feeling you two will have a little hot coffee tonight.
Sara
Mother!
Sara
Sure you were.

Caroline leaves.

Greg
I must say, your mother is so nice.
Sara
Indeed. It's a shame though that my father left her before I was born. She is very lonely during the night, so that's why she always brings her boyfriends over. Hell, she even invites strangers walking down the street. She doesn't care as long as she has someone to keep her company. And nobody would resist her offer.
Greg
I can see why.
Sara
Excuse me?
Greg
Oh, um.... I said she must be as sweet as pie.
Sara
Um okay, that's awkward. Sweetie pie, I think you're not telling me something, because you've been acting strange since the time I saw you at Burger King. And as your girlfriend I would appreciate it if you would not keep secrets from me.
Greg
Well, since you put it that way, um, well, uh.... how do I put this...
(takes a sip of coffee, but suddenly spits it out)
HOT! HOLY SHIT, THATS HOT!
Sara
Oh shit, are you okay?!?
Greg
I burnt my tongue!
Sara
Hold on, I'll go get some water!
Caroline
Oh my goodness! Is everything okay?
Sara
You made the coffee too hot!
Caroline
Oh dear, my apologies. I really need to work on my cooking skills.
Sara
I know that! But how can you mess up on coffee?
Greg
Girls, I don't mean to be rude, but.... MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE!!!! LITERALLY!!!!
(runs around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off)
Sara
Stop. Drop. And roll.
Caroline
That's only if your body's on fire. Here, take this fire extinguisher and spray it into his mouth.

Caroline takes fire extinguisher and sprays into Greg's mouth.

Greg
(choking on the fumes)
I.... can't.... breath....
(collapses on the floor)
Caroline
Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all.
Caroline
What can I say? I'm looks, not brains.
INT. Bathroom
30 minutes later, Greg is cleaning himself up in the bathroom.
Greg
Gosh, those two girls nearly killed me. Although, maybe that should have killed me, so that I would never tell Sara the truth. Maybe I shouldn't.
Voice
Tell the truth.
Greg
What.. Who said that?
Voice
This is your conscience.
Greg
That's impossible, my conscience hasn't spoken to me in years.
Voice
I'm back from my vacation at Walt Disney World.
Greg
Really? How was that? It's been two years since I've been there. Is it still awesome?
Voice
Oh indeed. The modifications done to Pirates of the Caribbean made it more interesting.
Greg
Oh yeah, I heard about that. And I heard the new Expedition Everest was awesome, and I'm interested in trying it out this summer... Hey wait a minute! Consciences don't go on vacations. How's that even physically possible?
Voice
That's easy. When we are bored with trying to give helpful hints that are constantly ignored, no offense, we leave our main host and take over the body of a very unintelligent person, and we use that person's body to do things humans like to do. Though we tend to loose track of time, so that's why it took me so long to get back to you. That and I lost my G.P.S. on Space Mountain.
Greg
Ohhhh. Well that explains a lot. So... welcome back. I would throw you a party but I'm kinda in a pickle here.
Voice
I know, but I'm here to help. So let me get started.
Greg
Wait, how did you know what I'm going through if you just got here?
Voice
Just shut your mouth and listen.
Greg
Fine! Jeez, Mr. Rudeness!
Voice
Actually, it's Mr. Asshole. Now listen; do you want to live a life in shame?
Greg
No, I don't want to live my life in shame.
Voice
Do you want to be a real man?
Greg
Yes, I do want to be a real man!
Voice
Do you want extra olives on that pizza?
Greg
Yes, I do want extra olives on that pizza! Wait, why is that important.
Voice
Oops, sorry. I'm a very dedicated part-time pizza deliverer at Domino's.
Greg
Domino's has the best pizza. Better than that garbage at Pizza Hut.
Voice
True, true. But you know what I'm getting at?
Greg
Yes I do! I can't be a pussy! I'm a real man! And real men tell their girlfriends the truth!
Voice
At a boy! That's the Greg I know!
Greg
That's funny. The Greg people know is immature and stupid.
Voice
Well, true. But this is the real Greg.
Greg
Really? Finally, someone who understands. Thank you so much. And uh, after this is over and I'm still alive, you wanna continue talking about Disney at my place?
Voice
Oh absolutely. I got a lot of pictures to show you.
Greg
Great! Looking forward to it.

Greg runs out of the bathroom and goes in the living room where Sara and Caroline are waiting.

Sara
Are you alright now, sweetie?
Greg
Well, despite the fact that my mouth feels like I've eaten a piece of flaming charcoal, I'm quite alright. But enough about that, there is something I need to tell you. And it may break your heart.
Sara
What is it, sweetie?
Greg
Sara, me and your mom had sex two nights ago. I tried to resist her but I couldn't help myself. I know I shouldn't have done it and I am such a shithead and therefore you have every right to kill me.

A moment of silence passes.

Sara
Why am I not surprised.
Greg
Go ahead, kill me. I deserve it.
Sara
Kill you? Sweetie, why would I kill you?
Greg
Huh?
Sara
That was the most bravest thing I've ever seen you do, Greg. I love a man who is truthful, even if they did sleep with another woman. Or my mother for that matter. I wouldn't hurt a man who was at least truthful.

Greg stares with jaw dropped in disbelief.

Sara
Plus, I really don't blame you, sweetie. My mother is irresistible to almost any man that sees her. And sometimes women, but only when she feels a little bi-curious. Hell, I must admit that even I like to get involved in her little games.
Caroline
That's how she knows all my moves.
Sara
Exactly. But don't tell anybody that, because I don't want that kind of reputation.
Greg
Well I understand all that, except you being bisexual with your mother, which completely caught me off guard, but how does this relate to me? I made a commitment to you and I broke that commitment. I was unfaithful. And yet you're okay with it?
Sara
Actually, I'm not okay with it. But the thing is, because of the combination of her loneliness and her desire for sexual companionship, she always manages to get my boyfriends into bed with her. And she does it on purpose.
Caroline
Now Sara, that's not true. I originally didn't want to sleep with your boyfriends. I just wanted to get to know them better.
Sara
Suuuuuuure you did. Anyways, I tried to keep her away from the guys I date. But with every attempt, she always managed to get them into bed with her anyway, so eventually I stopped caring. Despite knowing this may happen I thought you would be the one to avoid falling into that because of your sheer devotion to me being greater than my exes, but I guess just like paying taxes that's just something that can't be avoided. So I'm not okay with it, but I just don't care any more.
Greg
So let me get this straight; I was trying to hide a secret that I could've just told you, and could have spared myself the humility. And especially if you knew it was going to happen, and that your mother knew you wouldn't care about it?
Sara
Well, since you put it that way, yes.
Greg
Why didn't you two just tell me?
Sara and Caroline
You didn't ask.
Greg
....Oh. Well, at least you won't kill me, so that's a load off my ass.
Sara
Oh sweetie, I would never do that. You're a one of a kind guy, both in honesty and sex.
Greg
Well, I can't argue with that. But could you do me one favor?
Sara
Sure sweetie. What is it?
Greg
Please don't tell my parents about this. My mom would have a cow if she found out I did something like this.
Sara
Hmm, let us chat about that.

Both Sara and Caroline chat quietly.

Sara
Okay, we won't say anything.
Caroline
On one condition.
Greg
Okay, and what is that?
Sara
We always wonder how sex would be like if we did it with more than two people. Since you like to sleep with us both, we want to experience that with you.
Caroline
In other words, a threesome.
Greg
(thinking very happily to himself)
Yep, I am the man.

All three enter the bedroom and begin playing birds and the bees and the squirrels.

EXT. Street
Lisa, Carlos, Sparky, and Mr. Thomas are walking down the street.
Carlos
Can't believe you were right about him surviving. You must have used a time machine or something.
Sparky
Bark, bark.
Carlos
Hold your horses, I'll pay, I'll pay. Here's $500 bucks. That's the last time I'm making a bet with a dog.
Lisa
Thank you for suggesting we pretend to be his conscience with a voice changer, Mr. Thomas.
Mr. Thomas
Anytime. Knowing that boy, he needs help from good friends from time to time. Even if it means getting involved in his personal life. Although, next time Carlos, please don't order any pizza.
Carlos
Sorry about that, I was hungry. Anyways, we could at least have stayed and watched the threesome.
Lisa
Carlos, that's disgusting and illegal. Plus, I'm tired of you jacking-off in public.
Carlos

I can hear it from here. Man, I want to be part of that action.

(suddenly, he gets an idea)
Hey, I got an idea! How about we take this event and put it on a website that is just like Wikipedia but is all about humor and brown box shape monsters? And we can title it, OH SHIT!!!! I Fucked My Girlfriend's Mother!!!!
Lisa
...Nah, that wouldn't work out.
Carlos
What? It's the perfect idea!
Lisa
Dude, who would come to such a website that is full of crap? And who would ever think this event about sleeping with a girlfriend's mother is funny?
Carlos
What do you say Mr. Thomas?
Mr. Thomas
Well, sounds like a good idea, but I'm not really into that kind of thing, so don't take my word for it.
Carlos
What about you Sparky?
Sparky
Woof, woof.
Carlos
Some man's best friend you are.
Lisa
Keep trying Carlos. Perhaps one day you'll think of something worthwhile.

Everybody except Carlos exits the scene. The author of this article appears out of nowhere.

I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Carlos
At least I'm not the only one.
People just don't understand humor.
Carlos
Exactly. All this mother fucking makes me want to fuck some mothers now. Want to join me?
Hell yeah! That's my favorite pastime.
Carlos
Then let's do it!
Oorah!

both exit the scene, but then the author reappears.

What are you people still doing here? Article's over. Go read something else, or get a life. Gosh. Fucking wannabes.
(he exits the scene)

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