UnScripts:Noah's Ark

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Ark

The Bible's kinda boring. Instead of dealing with it and its "Holier than thou" approach to storytelling, why don't you let us at UnScripts do the work?

Scene 1

Noah is tilling a field like a migrant worker

God: Noah...[no response]...Noah...NOAH!

Noah looks up

Noah: Whaaaat?

God: It's God, Noah

Noah: I could've guessed that.

God: Don't get snippy with me. Believe it or not, you're the only good person left in the world.

Camera zooms out to reveal a bustling metropolis where people purposely toss each other in dung piles, then zooms back in

Noah: That's not saying much.

God: Still, I don't want to kill you along with these assholes. Build a boat.

Noah: OK. Wait...

God: Yes?

Noah: I've never built a boat before.

God: Well, good luck.

Scene 2

Noah walks in with his head hanging. He skulks up the stairs. Suddenly,

Mrs. Noah: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?!

Noah: Nowhere.

Mrs. Noah: Don't give me that, mister! I know that look. Have you been drinking again?

Noah: No, you know I'm fifty-seven days sober!

Mrs. Noah: Then how do you explain this condom I found in your pocket?

Noah: What?

Mrs. Noah: You heard me! How do you explain it?

FatGuy
"I thought we agreed that, after Ham, we didn't want to have any more kids"

Noah: I thought we agreed that, after Ham, we didn't want to have any more kids.

Mrs. Noah: That's true.

Noah: What does that have to do with my drinking?

Mrs. Noah: I'm not really sure. How did we get onto this conversation topic?

Sensing that his evasion has worked, Noah continues up the stairs before

Mrs. Noah: WAIT! I remember! What did you do?!

Noah doesn't answer.

Mrs. Noah: DAMN IT, NOAH, TELL ME!

Noah: I kinda promised God I'd build a boat

Mrs. Noah: What? I can't hear you!

Noah: I SAID I PROMISED GOD I WOULD BUILD A BOAT!

Mrs. Noah: You WHAT?!?!?

Noah: What else could I do? It's God, for Christ's sake!

Mrs. Noah: Who's Christ?

Noah: I don't know.....but anyway, we have to build a boat or we're all going to die.

Noah storms up the stairs and a door is heard being slammed.

Mrs. Noah: [following him upstairs] Oh, real mature, Noah!

Stage is empty, and a fat young man walks on.

Ham: MA!

Mrs. Noah: WHAAAATTTT!?!!?

Ham: Where's the food?

Mrs. Noah: You can do without food, you know. You don't have to live up to your name.

Ham: YOU DON'T HAVE TO INSULT ME!

Ham storms offstage and is heard turning the pantry upside down. Mrs. Noah takes a pillbox from her pocket and swallows its contents whole.

Scene 3

Noah is laying face down on his bed, with his face buried in the pillow.

God: Noah, what are you doing?

Noah: Go away!

God: Noah...

Noah: I SAID GO AWAY!

God: YOU'RE A GROWN MAN, FOR MY SAKE! Stop pissing around like a petulant little schoolgirl with her N'Sync posters and oh-so-sad because Jeremy isn't going to take her to the bleeding prom! You have to build a boat and fast! Now get to it! God out.

Noah rises up into a kneeling position and puffs his chest out like Superman

Noah: God is right! There's only one thing to do!

Sub image bob
"Hi, I'm building enthusiast Bob Vila!"

Inspirational music plays as the stage background changes to Home Depot for the obligatory shopping montage. Abruptly we are in Noah's backyard with several large wooden planks.

Noah: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with these?

A man pops out of nowhere

Man: Hi, I'm building enthusiast Bob Vila, and I'm here to show you how to build an ark quickly and easily.

Noah: [snoring; wakes up abruptly] Wha- where did you come from?

God: That was me. I didn't want to have to deal with you anymore, so I sent this guy to teach you to build an ark. I figured a little deus ex machina never hurt anyone. Sorry, he's a little boring. Such is life. God out.

Noah: Shit. OK, let's get this over with...

Bob Vila: Now the first thing to do is — can you stop falling asleep please?

Noah: Wha- sorry. Go on...

The above exchange is repeated several times, until finally Bob Vila agrees to build the boat while Noah goes off and cavorts with his poker buddies. The scene ends with Noah popping open a can of beer.

Scene 4

Noah is walking around with his three friends.

Friend #1: [looking at sky] Looks like rain.

Friend #2: Yep.

Noah: I guess you could say that.

Friend #3: Of course they could! That's why they did!

Friend #3 pushes Noah into a rogue pile of dung, as is the traditional custom in their time

Friend #2: How do you know he was talking to me too?

Friend #3: I don't know...

Friend #1: Yeah, he could've just been talking to me. "You" serves a double purpose in English, you know...singular and plural.

Guys
"Friend #3 pushes Noah into a rogue pile of dung, as is the traditional custom in their time."

Friend #3: But we're not even speaking English!

Friend #1: Oh yeah.

Friend #2 randomly pushes a passerby into Noah's pile of dung, out of which Noah has extricated himself. Friends #1 & #3 join this random passerby

Noah: You guys are screwed, you know. It's gonna rain, like you said—

Friend #1: Cha-ching!

Noah: —for forty days and forty nights! And it's gonna flood the entire world! And you're all gonna die because you're douchebags!

Friend #2: And you're not?

Noah: That's beside the point. Just beware!

God: Psst, Noah! Tell them to repent.

Friend #1: Will do, God!

God: God out.

Friend #1: What a sap. Anyway, where were we going?

Noah: We were just walking. We still do that nowadays.

Friend #3: That's true. Let's go to a strip club.

Disgusted, Noah walks away

Scene 5

The entire Noah family is in their living room. Noah is in front of the hearth, over which is cooking a large roast boar. Sitting pretzel-style in front of him are his three sons: Ham, Shem, and Japheth. Ham is large in girth, Shem is effeminate but insists he is just metrosexual, and Japheth is the ideal son (whatever that is).

Kids
The Noah family's December 25th card. The one on top is Shem.

Shem: Are you telling me we have to bring animals onto the Ark? Even, like, bugs and, like, stuff? Ugh!

Ham: I'm not usually one to agree with the fairy, but I agree with the fairy. That's pretty fucking nasty.

Noah: No, we're just taking animals that breath through their noses...

Shem: Fairy?!? I have a girlfriend, do you?

Mrs. Noah: Shem, shut up and put on your makeup. Ham, watch your language, mister!

Ham: I'm 15, Ma! I can do what I want! Anyway, what about the food situation.

Japheth snorts

Ham: You got something to say, big guy?!?

Japheth: Nope. Not a word. Whatever Dad says goes.

Noah: THANK GOD!

God: No problemo. God out.

Ham: Japheth and Noah, sittin' in a tree...

Noah: Ham, shut up. Whatever you're saying probably isn't funny. Now look, this Bob Vila character built us an ark, and God charged us to bring two of every "kind" of animal aboard for breeding purposes. As such, you three also need to find someone to plant your seed in, because we all know your mother is way past her time.

Mrs. Noah: And I've never been happier!

Noah: [pause] And...we've all noticed! Anyway, everyone but you three will be dead, so you're going to need to populate the world once we get out. Shem, are you OK?

Shem: Yeah...I just wonder how Bethany will feel about it...that's all.

Noah: Ah, excellent. Ham, get a tissue if you need one. And a girlfriend, while you're at it. Family, you are dismissed.

Japheth: What's a "kind"?

Noah: I said 'dismissed'!

Scene 6

Noah and his wife are laying in bed. He is reading about shepherding, while she knits.

Mrs. Noah: I hope this works out

Noah: Me too.

God: NOAH! YOU FOOL, CAN YOU NOT HEAR THE RAIN?

Noah: What now?

Mrs. Noah: Well, excuse me!

God: Get out there and put the animals into the boat! The deluge has begun! God out. Don't you like that phrase, God out? I started using, and I think it's an oh-so-colorful way to let you people know I'm tired of talking to you. Anyway, God out.

Noah: Oops. Apparently, dear, the flood has started. Get into the ark!

Frightened, Mrs. Noah tears out her curlers and runs to the ark. Noah runs through the house and wakes up his children.

Noahs ark 1
If only the ark had looked like this...

Noah: Go to your mates' homes and awaken them. Bring them aboard the ark!

Ham: Uhh....dad....?

Noah: Do not tell me you didn't find a girlfriend. [Ham nods] Ugh, just pick some tramp off the street or something. Your descendants will probably be no good anyway.

Finally, everybody gets on. Noah shepherds every animal onto the ark.

Scene 7

The flood is over. It is sunny. Improbably, the ark has come to rest on the peak of a mountain.

Noah: Well, that's convenient. This will stand forever as a monument to the great mercy God has shown for us.

A lightning bolt comes out of the sky and burns the ark wholly.

Noah: There was still the whole gleebilglarp genus in there, you know.

God: It's probably for the best. God out.

Noah: Kids....darling....prostitute....I think this is going to be the start of something beautiful.

Camera zooms out behind them, revealing a panoramic view of several million dead bodies strewn upon the ground. A rainbow appears in the sky. Roll credits.

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