UnScripts:Little Britain (Rejections)
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What follows are a selection of sketches from the latest series of Little Britain USA which were rejected on the grounds of insufficient bad taste.
Dame Shirley Bassey, Government Assassy-in
The British Government, under the leadership of new Prime Minister, Sebastian Love, create an army of Dame Shirley Bassey clones to assist the defeat of insurgents in Iraq.
EXT. DESERT. DAY The midday sun beats down on a small squad of British soldiers. They are under heavy artillery attack.
SERGEANT: It's no good, men! Their fire is too strong for us and our weapons are useless!
PRIVATE: I blame the British Government, sir! They send us into the front line with no kit and barely working guns.
SERGEANT: Have no fear, Private. Listen ... help is on the way!
We hear in the distance, the same voice multiplied many times singing "Diamonds Are Forever, Forever, Forever, etc"
SERGEANT: It's our backup!
Over the horizon, 1000 Dame Shirley Bassey clones march towards the enemy lines, bullets bouncing off the heavily lacquered hair. As the clones near the enemy, they start singing "Goldfinger" in an extremely high pitch. Several Iraqis cover their ears and scream with pain. Suddenly, blood pours out from their ears. Their eyes explode from their sockets, covering themselves head to foot in blood.
Gertrude and Doris - The Forgetful Vomiting Vampire Pensioners
The pair of dear old ladies, Gertrude (Walliams) and Doris (Lucas) harbour a secret: They are both vampires. However, the weak stomach pensioners vomit over each other at the sight of blood.
GERTRUDE: Look Doris. That young man is sitting on that park bench with his neck exposed.
DORIS: I see it, Gertrude. Let's bite it, so transforming the young man into a beast of the night.
Gertrude takes a bite of the man's neck, blood spewing from his jugular. The Young Man screams in agony. Gertrude has lumps of flesh and blood hanging from her mouth.
DORIS: Oh Good Lord! Blood! I forgot how much blood makes me vomit.
Doris begins vomiting.
GERTRUDE: So did I!
Gertrude follows suit. Both ladies are vomiting constantly as the Young Man bleeds to death.
Gerard Fry, Human Fly
Jeff Goldblum fan, Gerard Fry (played by Walliams) roams the streets of Weybridge, dressed as a bluebottle, vomiting on its residents for no apparent reason.
INT. WOOLWORTHS. DAY Gerard enters the store in his regular fly costume. He walks up to the counter and addresses the Sales Assistant (Lucas).
ASSISTANT: Hello, sir, can I help you?
FRY: Yes, I am looking to buy a dvd of Rock Profiles.
ASSISTANT: Certainly sir.
Gerard suddenly pitches forward and vomits over the Assistant. The Assistants face melts.
The Inappropriate Grandfather
Grandfather (played by Walliams) sits at the head of the family dinner table with Grandmama (Lucas) at the opposite end.
GRANDFATHER: I have enjoyed a long life, my beautiful family. I have lived through a World War, I climbed Mount Kilamanjaro in record time, I played an important part in securing the capture of The Great Train Robbers. I have told you all about these escapades. But while we enjoy Grandmama's delicious goose, I'm going to tell you all about the time I lost my virginity.
Girls, please ignore the disgraceful chauvinism that follows, but Boys, I swear this woman was horny as fuck.
I met this fantastic woman at my local weekly scout meeting (She was my Akela's daughter). During the tuck-shop break, she took me round to the caretaker's hut and boy, did she take care of me! I was in teen heaven! While all the other cubs were buying penny sweets and devouring peanut brittle, she was giving me aniseed balls! Of course, Nora wasn't breaking the law as it was actually my 16th birthday, but I always tell people the incident happened when I was 15 to add a bit of Welsh glamour.
Anyway, we had sex and I came like Stephenson's Rocket, firing a goodly load into her. Amazingly I made her howl like a Banshee, something I had achieved only once before when I ran a shopping trolley over an old lady’s foot. As a consequence, the noise disruption completely ruined an evening of rope knotting for all the other scouts. I was banned from attending another meeting until 2019.
It is here that the family begin vomiting violently in reaction to Grandfather's story.
GRANDFATHER: Now, I believe desert is on the way. Then I'll tell you about the time I was the filling in a lesbian sandwich.,,,,,