UnScripts:Les Misérables, Abrégés

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 18:29, August 29, 2009 by Necropaxx (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Unscriptlogo


This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.


Main Paige | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection


Ebcosette

Did you know? A "portrait" of Cosette was the basis for the illustration of the original musical. Isn't she adorable? And doesn't she look so miserable too?

Les Misérables, Abrégés is an abridged adaptation of the musical adapted from the book by Victor Hugo. The musical, less than 10 minutes, was designed to appeal to a younger, more ADD-afflicted audience. However, the musical still flopped because only a few members of the target demographic were able to wait attentively in line to buy their tickets.

Synopsis of Les Misérables

Jean Valjean is released from a prison after 19 years of imprisonment, due to a crime he committed out of the desperate poverty he was in. He redeems himself after running into a bishop. But even as he leads a respectable life as the kind mayor of a city, the persistent, unforgiving Javert believes that Valjean, a recidivist (repeat offender), has to be brought to uncompromising justice. Valjean runs away, adopting Cosette, the daughter of a poor dying woman, who suffers from abuse at the inn of the Thénardier family.

Meanwhile, in Paris, a group of students, heroic to the point of idiocy, try to organise an uprising. Marius is one such student, and falls in love with Cosette, shunning Eponine, a daughter in the Thénardier family. Eponine, despite suffering from this crush, sacrifices herself when the uprising breaks out. Javert attempts to act as a spy, but he is caught and is locked up. Valjean, ever so merciful, releases Javert and saves Marius. However, this causes Javert, who cannot reconcile the criminal Valjean and redeemed-enough-already Valjean, to commit suicide. Marius mourns the completely dead uprising, and marries Cosette. Valjean ascends to heaven just after making peace with Marius and telling Cosette about her mother.

Act I

Scene 1

We see a myriad of prisoners in Toulon, France, doing forced labour. Prisoner 24601, Jean Valjean has a particularly bright spotlight shining on him, as does Javert, a guard.

Chorus:

Look down, look down

We're miserable, egads!

Look down, look down

We have to look real sad.

Random convict:

Depression's strong

It's miserable down here

Chorus:

Look down, look down

Our sadness you shall hear

Another random convict:

I've done no wrong!

Great Jesii, I'm desolate!

Chorus:

Look down, look down

I'm sure he can relate

Javert:

Now bring me prisoner 2460

Your time is up

And your parole's begun!

You know what that means.

Valjean:

Yes, it means I'm free.

Javert:

No!

It means you get to leave and run away so that I can pursue you for the rest of my life without any rhyme or reason,

24601.

Scene 2

The scene shifts to a town at night.

JeanValjean

Did you know? In the first draft of the book, Jean Valjean beats Javert to death. However, Hugo later decided that by including such a passage he would sort of be missing the point with Valjean's redeeming character.

Valjean:

Freedom is mine!

But they find in me the mark of Cain. (Oh, miserable freedom!)

Bishop: You are weary. Rest, my good man.

Valjean:

They could kill me

But took the silver;

I'd be a recidivist

But whatever.

Constable: You're nicked, Valjean.

Valjean: Oh darn!

Constable: Nevermind. He says the silver's a gift.

Valjean: And you bought that story?

Constable: He's a bishop, isn't he?

Constable walks away.

Valjean:

No more is Jean Valjean!

Another story must begin!

I must escape my life of sin

And live the rest of my life like a model citizen!

Scene 3

The scene switches to a city on the other side of France.

The Poor:

At the end of the day there's another day to be sad

And the rain in the morning is waiting to pour

Like we suffer depression

Like a riot'll break any second

There's misery in this nation

And this sadness will have to be reckoned and

There's going to be agony

At the end of the day!

Fantine:

There was a time when things was fine

When the news weren't all bad

And we weren't too sad

There was a time when we drank wine

And the world didn't find

Much that it had to mind

There was a time

And then it all turned miserable ...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

but I'd rather die

'cause now I'm depressed

I had a dream my life would be

Less full of all this misery

So different from reality

Now the plot has killed the dream I dreamed.

Bamatabois: HELP! This prostitute has attacked me!

Javert appears.

Javert: You're nicked, Fantine!

Valjean, under the pseudonym Monsieur Mayor, comes to the rescue.

Fantine:

But you, Monsieur Mayor, had me fired!

There is a child who badly needs me.

Valjean:

I was too tired! You'll be rehired!

I believe her, Javert. Let her be.

Javert: But you're nicked, Monsieur Mayor ... or should I say 24601?

Fantine collapses.

Scene 4

Scene changes to the hospital, where Fantine is on her deathbed with Valjean at her side.

Fantine: Take care of my Cosette.

Fantine dies. Javert enters to arrest Valjean.

Javert: You're nicked, Valjean.

Valjean: But—

Javert

Did you know? Javert's knack for being in the same place as Jean Valjean was most certainly not contrived.

Valjean: (in counterpoint)

There is a duty that I'm sworn to do
All I did was steal some bread, too
You know nothing of my life
You know my arrest was purely a result of social injustice and the fundamental material and mental poverty that is typical of many humans

Javert: (in counterpoint)

Men like us can never change
Come with me 24601
Every man is born in sin


This I merely shall deny


Valjean: Fine.

Valjean knocks Javert out and runs away.

Scene 5

Scene changes to an inn. A young Cosette is sweeping the floor.

Cosette:

There is a castle on a cloud

I like to go there in my sleep

But in reality I am unable

'cause my life is ever so miserable.

Mme Thénardier:

Your tears will do you no good!

Not unless some stranger adopts you and runs with you into the woods.

Valjean enters and spots the Thénardiers, the owners of this inn.

M Thénardier:

What to do? What to say?

Shall you carry our treasure away?

Valjean:

Your feelings are suspiciously not miserable, sir;

And I will ease the parting blow.

M Thénardier:

Cash or credit? Name your price.

Valjean:

Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice.

Now, Cosette, we make ourselves scarce.

Scene 6

The streets of Paris. Students are gathered to organise a revolution.

Students:

Look down and see how miserable we are

Look down and show some mercy if you care

Look down and see

The continuing struggle of the lower class against the constants of social injustice and material poverty as well as a relentless and unjust law

Look down, look down

Upon your fellow man!

Enjolras: Let's overthrow the government! Huzzah!

Marius, one of the students, bumps into Cosette, foreshadowing a blatantly obvious contrived love relationship of the sort that will affect the course of this play in more ways than one. We also see the Thénardiers, who are now a street gang. Valjean walks towards them.

Thénardiers:

People like us don't forget

How you borrowed Cosette!

Valjean: Are you mad?

M Thénardier: No, merely an irredeemable evil. You're nicked, Valjean!

Javert: You're nicked, Thénardier! Wait, Valjean?!

Valjean and Cosette run away. Marius runs to find Cosette.

Javert: Upon my stars!

Scene 7

The scene changes to a march in the streets, preparing for an uprising.

Chorus:

Do you hear the people sing?

Even more miserable and maudlin?

It is the music of a people

Protesting their eternal ruin!

When the beating of the police

Echoes the beating of the drums

A killing spree's about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Scene 8

The scene changes to Valjean's house.

EponineMarius

Did you know? Marius's name, pronounced "marry-us", could be the most obvious name for a contrived love interest ever conceived.

Valjean:

Tomorrow to Calais!

Or else Javert would nick us both!

Hurry, Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more

Tomorrow we'll away!

Hurry, Cosette, care not about the contrived love relationship because this will

Work out somehow someday

Cosette: Oh, when could life be any more miserable?

All: One day more!

Tomorrow we'll discover

What makes us further miserable

One more act

One more day

One day more!

The curtain falls.

Act II

Scene 1

Rebelling students are building a barricade.

Enjolras:

We will build our barricade

in the heart of the city!

Don't be afraid!

Just try to suffer from misery.

Marius sees Eponine disguised as a small boy, clearly attempting to interfere with the contrived love relationship between him and Cosette.

Marius:

Get out before the trouble starts!

Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot!

Eponine: Never!

Marius:

But you are the answer to a prayer!

Please take this letter to Cosette.

That way you see how little I care!

Eponine: I shall now hate you for a good duration of this show before I interfere at a critical moment in order to save you.

At the barricade, Javert is disguised as a spy.

Javert: We have no chance!

Gavroche: Liar!

Enjolras: You're nicked, Javert.

Eponine climbs the barricade and gets shot, fulfilling her own prophecy.

Enjolras:

She is the first to fall.

The first of us to fall and escape this miserable lifestyle.

Random student: She will not die in vain.

Valjean: Watch out for the sniper!

Valjean has in fact taken care of the sniper.

Enjolras:

For your deed I thank you.

Is there something I can do?

Valjean: Where's Javert?

Scene 2

The scene changes to the tavern where Javert is tied up.

Valjean: We meet again.

Javert: You actually say that line in the original?

Valjean: Yup.

Javert: Shoot me now for all I care!

Valjean: Tough luck. Now just get out of here.

Javert: Generous yet brutal, for it challenges my thus-far completely unchanged objective of arresting you as per a rigid, unaccommodating law that thinks little of the social injustice which those rebels are fighting against! Clever!

Valjean: Whatever.

Valjean unties Javert and lets him go. The scene changes to the end of the second battle. Gavroche, the "mascot" of the rebels, is shot.

Enjolras: Gavroche! No!

Gavroche: And I repeat herein my song about how little people fight, just so that I can highlight the futility thereof.

Gavroche dies.

Enjolras:

Let us die facing our foes!

We're miserable in any case!

BarricadesMiz

Did you know? Pretty much everyone in this picture dies? I know, it's sad. Miserable, in fact.

Everyone dies -- well, except for the obvious exceptions of Marius and Valjean. The scene changes to the sewers, where Valjean carries a wounded Marius and sees Javert.

Valjean: Let me help this man.

Javert: Go, before I change my mind.

Valjean quickly leaves.

Javert:

Must I now begin to doubt?

Shall his crimes be reprieved?

By saving me, he has me slain.

So I now shall go quite in-Seine!

Javert throws himself in the Seine, committing suicide. The scene changes to a café, where Marius is alone.

Marius:

Monsieur, this is a day

That is unusual in its lack of misery!

You we shall call

A father to us all.

Valjean:

Not another word, my son.

I must tell you: I'm an ex-con.

Promise me to not tell Cosette. Else I'll have to face an identity crisis in addition to the perpetual struggle against the human condition.

The scene changes to Marius and Cosette's wedding. The Thénardiers enter.

M Thénardier:

Your bride's father is not what you think!

He carried a man he slew, and took flight!

Marius: Then Valjean was my saviour that night!

M Thénardier: Oh. I'm nicked, aren't I?

Marius knocks out Thénardier and runs with Cosette. They both know where they're going, because contrived love interests have such telepathic connections.

Epilogue

Valjean's house. Valjean is dying.

Valjean: And so I die. Finally an end to all this misery.

The ghosts of Fantine and Eponine descend.

Cosette and Marius rush in.

Valjean: Oy, can't a man ascend in peace? Oh, it's you. Well, still, I had two ghosts ready to give me a lift. I have the FastPass for it too. Oh, for heaven's sake --

Valjean dies.

fin

Good Small Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Personal tools
projects