UnScripts:Les Misérables, Abrégés
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Les Misérables, Abrégés is an abridged adaptation of the musical adapted from the book by Victor Hugo. The musical, less than 10 minutes, was designed to appeal to a younger, more ADD-afflicted audience. However, the musical still flopped because only a few members of the target demographic were able to wait attentively in line to buy their tickets.
Synopsis of Les Misérables
Jean Valjean is released from a prison after 19 years of imprisonment, due to stealing a loaf of bread out of . He redeems himself after running into a bishop. But even as Valjean leads a respectable life as the kind mayor of a city, the persistent, unforgiving Javert believes that Valjean, a recidivist (repeat offender), has to be brought to uncompromising justice. Valjean runs away, adopting Cosette, the daughter of a poor prostitute dying of STDs, who suffers from abuse at the inn of the Thénardier family. During this whole time he is being chased by the policeman Javert (pronounced jah-VER, as per miserable French) Javert must sing his name in a very impressive, epic way every time he is onstage. He obviously has no life, as we can tell from the fact that he hunts JVJ for 19 years until Javert jumps off a bridge because he finds out that Jean will never love him, because he is too busy being all pedophile-ish about Cosette.
Meanwhile, in Paris, a group of students, heroic to the point of what is mostly idiocy, try to organise an uprising. Marius is one such idiot, and falls in love with Cosette, shunning Eponine, a daughter in the Thénardier family. Eponine, despite suffering from this crush, sacrifices herself when the uprising breaks out. Javert attempts to act as a spy, but he is caught and is locked up. Valjean, ever so merciful, releases Javert and saves Marius. However, this causes Javert, who cannot reconcile the criminal Valjean and redeemed-enough-already Valjean, to commit suicide, jumping off a miserable bridge. Marius mourns the completely dead uprising, and marries Cosette. Valjean ascends to heaven just after making peace with Marius and telling Cosette about her mother.
We see a myriad of prisoners in Toulon, France, doing forced labour. Prisoner 24601, Jean Valjean has a particularly bright spotlight shining on him, as does Javert, a guard.
Look down, look down
We're miserable, egads!
Look down, look down
We have to look real sad.
It's miserable down here
Look down, look down
Our sadness you shall hear
Another random convict:
I've done no wrong!
Great Jesii, I'm desolate!
Look down, look down
I'm sure he can relate
Your time is up
And your parole's begun!
You know what that means.
Yes, it means I'm free.
The scene shifts to a town at night.
Freedom is mine!
But they find in me the mark of Cain. (Oh, miserable freedom!)
Bishop: You are weary. Rest, my good man.
They could kill me
But took the silver;
I'd be a recidivist
Constable: You're nicked, Valjean.
Valjean: Oh darn!
Constable: Nevermind. He says the silver's a gift.
Valjean: And you bought that story?
Constable: He's a bishop, isn't he?
Constable walks away.
No more is Jean Valjean!
Another story must begin!
I must escape my life of sin
And live the rest of my life like a model citizen!
The scene switches to a city on the other side of France.
At the end of the day there's another day to be sad
And the rain in the morning is waiting to pour
Like we suffer depression
Like a riot'll break any second
There's misery in this nation
And this sadness will have to be reckoned and
There's going to be agony
At the end of the day!
There was a time when things was fine
When the news weren't all bad
And we weren't too sad
There was a time when we drank wine
And the world didn't find
Much that it had to mind
There was a time
And then it all turned miserable ...
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
but I'd rather die
'cause now I'm depressed
I had a dream my life would be
Less full of all this misery
So different from reality
Now the plot has killed the dream I dreamed.
Bamatabois: HELP! This prostitute has attacked me!
Javert: You're nicked, Fantine!
Valjean, under the pseudonym Monsieur Mayor, comes to the rescue.
But you, Monsieur Mayor, had me fired!
There is a child who badly needs me.
I was too tired! You'll be rehired!
I believe her, Javert. Let her be.
Javert: But you're nicked, Monsieur Mayor ... or should I say 24601?
Scene changes to the hospital, where Fantine is on her deathbed with Valjean at her side.
Fantine: Take care of my Cosette.
Fantine dies. Javert enters to arrest Valjean.
Javert: You're nicked, Valjean.
|Valjean: (in counterpoint)|
There is a duty that I'm sworn to do
|Javert: (in counterpoint)|
Men like us can never change
Valjean knocks Javert out and runs away.
Scene changes to an inn. A young Cosette is sweeping the floor.
There is a castle on a cloud
I like to go there in my sleep
But in reality I am unable
'cause my life is ever so miserable.
Your tears will do you no good!
Not unless some stranger adopts you and runs with you into the woods.
Valjean enters and spots the Thénardiers, the owners of this inn.
What to do? What to say?
Shall you carry our treasure away?
Your feelings are suspiciously not miserable, sir;
And I will ease the parting blow.
Cash or credit? Name your price.
Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice.
Now, Cosette, we make ourselves scarce.
The streets of Paris. Students are gathered to organise a revolution.
Look down and see how miserable we are
Look down and show some mercy if you care
Look down and see
The continuing struggle of the lower class against the constants of social injustice and material poverty as well as a relentless and unjust law
Look down, look down
Upon your fellow man!
Enjolras: Let's overthrow the government! Huzzah!
Marius, one of the students, bumps into Cosette, foreshadowing a blatantly obvious contrived love relationship of the sort that will affect the course of this play in more ways than one. We also see the Thénardiers, who are now a street gang. Valjean walks towards them.
People like us don't forget
How you borrowed Cosette!
Valjean: Are you mad?
M Thénardier: No, merely an irredeemable evil. You're nicked, Valjean!
Javert: You're nicked, Thénardier! Wait, Valjean?!
Valjean and Cosette run away. Marius runs to find Cosette.
Javert: Upon my stars!
The scene changes to a march in the streets, preparing for an uprising.
Do you hear the people sing?
Even more miserable and maudlin?
It is the music of a people
Protesting their eternal ruin!
When the beating of the police
Echoes the beating of the drums
A killing spree's about to start
When tomorrow comes!
The scene changes to Valjean's house.
Tomorrow to Calais!
Or else Javert would nick us both!
Hurry, Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more
Tomorrow we'll away!
Hurry, Cosette, care not about the contrived love relationship because this will
Work out somehow someday
Cosette: Oh, when could life be any more miserable?
All: One day more!
Tomorrow we'll discover
What makes us further miserable
One more act
One more day
One day more!
The curtain falls.
Rebelling students are building a barricade.
We will build our barricade
in the heart of the city!
Don't be afraid!
Just try to suffer from misery.
Marius sees Eponine disguised as a small boy, clearly attempting to interfere with the contrived love relationship between him and Cosette.
Get out before the trouble starts!
Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot!
But you are the answer to a prayer!
Please take this letter to Cosette.
That way you see how little I care!
Eponine: I shall now hate you for a good duration of this show before I interfere at a critical moment in order to save you.
At the barricade, Javert is disguised as a spy.
Javert: We have no chance!
Enjolras: You're nicked, Javert.
Eponine climbs the barricade and gets shot, fulfilling her own prophecy.
She is the first to fall.
The first of us to fall and escape this miserable lifestyle.
Random student: She will not die in vain.
Valjean: Watch out for the sniper!
Valjean has in fact taken care of the sniper.
For your deed I thank you.
Is there something I can do?
Valjean: Where's Javert?
The scene changes to the tavern where Javert is tied up.
Valjean: We meet again.
Javert: You actually say that line in the original?
Javert: Shoot me now for all I care!
Valjean: Tough luck. Now just get out of here.
Javert: Generous yet brutal, for it challenges my thus-far completely unchanged objective of arresting you as per a rigid, unaccommodating law that thinks little of the social injustice which those rebels are fighting against! Clever!
Valjean unties Javert and lets him go. The scene changes to the end of the second battle. Gavroche, the "mascot" of the rebels, is shot.
Enjolras: Gavroche! No!
Gavroche: And I repeat herein my song about how little people fight, just so that I can highlight the futility thereof.
Let us die facing our foes!
Everyone dies -- well, except for the obvious exceptions of Marius and Valjean. The scene changes to the sewers, where Valjean carries a wounded Marius and sees Javert.
Valjean: Let me help this man.
Javert: Go, before I change my mind.
Valjean quickly leaves.
Must I now begin to doubt?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?
By saving me, he has me slain.
So I now shall go quite in-Seine!
Javert throws himself in the Seine, committing suicide. The scene changes to a café, where Marius is alone.
Monsieur, this is a day
That is unusual in its lack of misery!
You we shall call
A father to us all.
Not another word, my son.
I must tell you: I'm an ex-con.
Promise me to not tell Cosette. Else I'll have to face an identity crisis in addition to the perpetual struggle against the human condition.
The scene changes to Marius and Cosette's wedding. The Thénardiers enter.
Your bride's father is not what you think!
He carried a man he slew, and took flight!
M Thénardier: Oh. I'm nicked, aren't I?
Marius knocks out Thénardier and runs with Cosette. They both know where they're going, because contrived love interests have such telepathic connections.
Valjean's house. Valjean is dying.
Valjean: And so I die. Finally an end to all this misery.
The ghosts of Fantine and Eponine descend.
Cosette and Marius rush in.
Valjean: Oy, can't a man ascend in peace? Oh, it's you. Well, still, I had two ghosts ready to give me a lift. I have the FastPass for it too. Oh, for heaven's sake --