UnScripts:Interview With Green Arrow
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
An interview with the famed doctor and practicing psychiatrist Jonathan Crane (see The Scarecrow) reveals the origin of Oliver Queen's intense bloodlust for house pets, as well as the identity of the person who nominated him for Justice League membership.
Doctor Crane: "Hello, Oliver. Please, take a seat."
Queen: "Ok, but make it fast. I've got some important, pressing matters I must attend to." [Subject then frantically looked around the room, and stared at his wrist for a few seconds.]
Doctor Crane: "What are you doing?"
Queen: "I'm checking the time. I have an important meeting in a half hour."
Doctor Crane: "A, you aren't wearing a watch, Mr. Queen. You are exhibiting many symptoms of paranoia, much like [malicious laugh] many of my victims, once they are treated with a dose of synthetic fear gas. B, why the hell would someone EVER invite you to a meeting? I mean, er, besides the obvious psychological evaluation meetings... like this one here... so what meeting are you going to?"
Queen: "Mr. Ducky wants me to help him bake a pie. He needs some fresh ingredients from me, like dog."
Doctor Crane: "Ah yes, the rubber duck the coast guard found you with...now tell me how did you get a hold of these... deceased canines?"
Queen: "What? Sorry, I been on an island for a while, just got back a few years ago... what's a canine?"
Doctor Crane: "Well, in this case, I'm referring to a dog."
Queen: "Oh! Well, there's this girl who lives down the road from me--"
Doctor Crane: "You live in a forest."
Queen: "Yeah, with all the elves. She's an elf, and she lives down the road. Mr. Ducky lives down the road too."
Doctor Crane: [Sighs] "Yes I'm sure he does."Please continue?"
Queen: "So, she had a pet dog. So I shot it with an arrow and picked up its carcass and now I'm going to bake it into a pie."
Doctor Crane: "And you feel no guilt over slaughtering this girl's pet?!"
Queen: "Why should I? For five years I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. But then I came back, and I was like, I have but one goal: to save my city. Then I was like--"
Doctor Crane: "The island. What does this have to do with the dog? The dehumanizing slaughter of it, among other animals. Why?"
Queen: "To survive."
Doctor Crane: "There is a city two miles from where you live. Seriously. No joke (subject Crane is too lazy to look up towns near the Dark Forest, but assumes that there is one at most two miles from the location). You can easily buy commercially farmed animals in markets without harming anyone. You have an extremely profitable company (Queen Consolidated) and you have government support from the Justice League. So there's no reason to randomly hunt and kill domesticated animals when you could easily buy and eat meat from markets."
Queen: "You know, on the island, we didn't have markets. I had but one goal: to survive."
Doctor Crane: "You said that already."
Queen: "Don't waste my time, keep in mind the meeting is in about ten minutes."
Doctor Crane: "Ok, we'll get to my essential questions. How did you get into the Justice League? You, of all people, the guy who hunts animals with an extremely primitive weapon? The guy who was driven to a psychopathic state after being stranded on an island? The guy who kidnapped a young boy, pumped him full of drugs and called him Speedy? Why a sick, random nut like you and not... oh, I dunno... Robin or something?"
Queen: "Robin can suck my Jolly Green Giant! I got in the Justice League because I'm a hero. I liberate dogs and cats everywhere from the shackles of their neutered existence.
Doctor Crane: "Oh, so by killing these animals and baking them into pies, you're liberating them."
Queen: "Yes. I can see the deep desire to die buried in their sad little puppy dog and kitty cat eyes, they willingly lay down their lives to serve a greater purpose. To feed the amazing Emerald Archer [at this point, the subject leaped onto the table and drew his bow]... THE GREEN ARROW!"
Doctor Crane: [Muttering]"...Very... full of himself.... has a sense of superiority... uses dumb analogies about the color green to describe his genitalia... feels no remorse about killing... [clears throat] And why do you consider yourself a hero? Because of your slaughtering of these pets? No one has ever testified to being saved by you or witnessing you save another individual. From what I understand you have absolutely no personal motivation to be hunting criminals, you just do it for sport, and you don't actually have any reservations about using firearms either, you just like the challenge. So you're in a team of superheroes, but you do absolutely nothing heroic, let alone super."
Queen: "LA LA LA LA LA! I'm sorry, I can't hear you right now. Busy being a superhero, invited by Batman to join the Justice League. You'll just have to talk to my enormous Emerald, Elongated--"
Doctor Crane: "Great, another psycho. A second Bruce Wayne is just what I need... Tell me more about this Mr. Ducky that you are speaking of?"
Queen: "Oh, I just call him that because his real name is kinda funny. It's like, The Vengeance of God or The Monitor or something. No, the Guardians of the Universe! That's it... anyway, one time I was in this plane crash and Mr. Ducky gave me this white ring once I covered him in enough sacrificial blood that he magically came to life to help keep me company and to stop me from going crazy. It saved my life. But then it was like, "Eat a cheeseburger" so I threw that shit into the wilderness."
Doctor Crane: "You threw a White Lantern Ring... into the forest?"
Queen: "Yeah. So? Who the hell needs jewelry on a desert island?"
Doctor Crane: "Never mind. How did this plane crash?"
Queen: "Well, there was this guy wearing a weird mask on there, and I couldn't hear much of what he was saying because his voice was all muffled and high pitched, but I did catch "crashing this plane... with no survivors!"
Doctor Crane: "... I think you were attacked by Bane."
Queen: "No, it turned out that guy was Mr. Ducky."
Doctor Crane: "No, I don't think--"
Queen: "MR. DUCKY, BITCH! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIM, YOU CAN SUCK MY SOYLENT GREENS!"
Doctor Crane: "That will be all for today. Mr. Cash! Please escort Mr. Queen out to the forest."