Do your friends keep calling you gay? Are they even really your friends? I mean, I sure don't like it when my friends call me gay. Are they calling you gay so frequently that even your mom asks you if you're gay? Is it so bad that your teachers think you're gay? Well, you're lucky I'm here for you! Nobody has called me gay since elementary school!
Now before you start getting nervous and trying to convince me you don't need my help, just go look in the mirror. They have a reason to call you gay. I mean that basically asks homosexuals to come on to you!
Plan A: Tell them you're not gay
Okay, before we start taking larger measures (wink, wink) let us first simply ask for them to stop. First, we must pick a time when they will most likely call you gay. Maybe in the locker room, when they accuse you of checking them out. Yes, that's a perfect time. When is your next gym class? Two in the afternoon? Okay. Good.
What is it now? You are afraid to say to them you're not gay? I mean, if you're too afraid to tell them you like women then you must be gay. So I guess you're gay. No? You're not? Then get in there! That a boy. That a straight and totally not-gay boy.
Oh, look who is here! Hide your junk from the gay man, guys!
Shut up, Thomas. I'm tired of it!
What is that? What did you say to me?
OOOOOOHHH!! SOOOOOONN!!! SHIT JUST GOT REAL!
Yeah, punk? Spit it out!
I said stop calling me gay, Thomas.
Woah! Oooh-dude! Thomas, he's got some nuts to say that, man.
Hey, guys, shut the fuck up.
John (and John only)
Ooooh...!.... Um.... sorry...
Somebody towel whip him...
NOOOOO!!!! I'M SORRY!! I'M SO SORRY!
So, let me get this straight, you're gay?
No! Thomas! I'm not gay! I'm straighter than a pencil!
Some pencils are wicked curvy, dude. You are gay!
Fuck you, Thomas!
Plan B: Dress straight
Okay, I'm sorry you got beat up. I mean, well, think of it in a positive way. Your nose is fixed now. I couldn't stop staring at its misalignment on your face. See! I knew it would cheer you up.
Since that didn't go to well we move to "Plan B"; dress straight. Drop the crocs, stop wearing so much shoes, and wear manlier colors. Not too much black to, this isn't How To Become Goth. And stop wearing that sweater your grandma knitted for you two Christmases ago! Dammit that's basically a cock-block engine at its best! Replace it with a T-shirt. Just any T-shirt. But remember what colors are and aren't acceptable.
Let's take you shopping.
Hello, how can I help you today, Mr.? I can tell you wanna shop for some straight clothes just by the lack of sparkle in your eye. And for your friend, the gay man aisle is in the back and two aisles to the left, opposite from the men's section.
What the hell! I'm not gay, though.
I'm sorry, I just usually know a gay man when I see one.
I know, I know my friend here, You, looks like a homo. But he's not. He is often confused for a gay dude, so where shopping for straight clothes.
So, he's bisexual and more orientated towards the straight side?
Me (in a confused tone)
Wha--? Um... uhh... that's... no. It's just, what? Okay, fine. Sure he's bi, just show us where the straight man clothes aisle is.
F. Employee (whispering to You)
It's okay to be gay...
[Bitch slaps female employee]
Plan C: Get a girlfriend
I'm sorry they still called you gay, even though you were wearing straight clothes, like I wear. Maybe it's just because I look sexy in those clothes. I don't know why you looked like a fag in them, but we still have "Plan C" and "Plan D".
"Plan C" consists of getting a girlfriend. Now, before you start sweating, remember that one does not have to date a decent looking woman to recognized as straight. One simply just needs to date a not-so-fugly-slut to give the appearance. The worst thing you could ever do is pick the ugly slut. 99.9% of the time it just asks for a "I'm bi" reputation.
Now where shall we go? To the streets, my brotha!
[Driving down street where local sluts inhabit]
Hey, pretty ladies. I have a straight friend here, who has a huge cock. Of course, it's smaller than my donkey-conquerer, but it could please you.
I'm sorry. Okay, this group lacks clothing. These, my friend, are sluts.
Hey! Does anyone want to date my friend, You? He is my brother, and he is cute!
Aw yeah, son! You get some!
Plan D: Kill Them
I'm sorry you got called bi for showing them your new slut girlfriend. I mean, who could blame them? You even introduced yourself with a "Hey! Look at my new slut girlfriend!" You really are an idiot.
I didn't wanna move onto "Plan D", but we're gonna have to. KILL THEM, You, KILL THEM ALL! Let's face it. You're gonna be called gay no matter what you do. Let your anger come out. Kill them, You! I even have this gun that can destroy worlds for you.
That's it son! Join the dark side! Who is that I see? It's Thomas, Bill, and all the guys at that dark alley way! Let's go!
Hey, it's gaylord!
You know what, Thomas?
[Multiple rounds of gunshots]
Dude, I think he's dead!
NO HE'S NOT!!
[Loads one more round of bullets into Robert's body]
Walking by female pedestrian (turning in horror as she discovers what is happening in the alley way)
By the GRACE OF GOD!!
[Runs away, but is shot down swiftly]
You (laughing like a maniac)
[Shoots one of the guys in the stomach]
Guy who got shot
Ow! My belly!
[Shoots him the spline]
Guy who got shot
Ow! DUDE! STOP!
You (still laughing like a maniac)
Never! FUCKING PICKLEDICK!
[Yanks on guy who got shot's head]
[Everyone besides you starts crying and screaming in horror]
Just stop it! Dude! Stop! Oh my goodddd! STOP! CALM DOWN! OH NO!
[Rips off head]
You (laughing still like a maniac and now jumping up and down with the head)
Hahaha! BILL! KICKBALL!
[Drops head and kicks it into the air
OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! HOLY SHIT! OHHHH NOO!! OH MY! OH MY FUCKING JESUS!! AHHHH!!
One of the guys
Don't worry, I got 9-1-1 on speed dial!
[Speed dials the police]
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Guy who called 9-1-1
IT'S HORRIBLE! DEATH AND BODY PARTS FLYING EVERY WHERE!!! HE'S A MANIAC!!!!!