Hello. My name is Niko Bellic. I have come to your country to find the American Dream, as well as slyly comment on it. I came on a boat called the Platypus. It was rusty and I got tetanus, but I don't really care. I have come to New Yor- I mean, Liberty City to be with my cousin Roman. He has told me lots of great stories about his mansions and his sports cars. My ship has pulled into Hove Beach Harbor. Ah, the fresh air is nice. All I've smelt for the past seven months is cabbage and hefty Romanian men's sweat. Wow, the water looks really nice. Look at that reflection mapping! We can't afford such technology back in my unidentified Eastern European home. I'm waiting here in the rain. Where are you Roman? A couple of sailors are meeting their wives. They look like a nice couple. Hey, here's Roman now!
A battered old brown car rushes towards Niko, narrowly avoiding a kissing couple. The car stops. Niko's cousin Roman gets out. He is portly and has a goatee.
Roman: Niko, my cousin! I can't believe it! You're here!
Niko: Roman! How are you?
Roman: Fine, fine! A little drunk but fine!
Niko: So this is the car? I thought you had a Lamb- I mean an Infernus.
Roman: It is in the shop! How about you drive me over to my apartment?
Niko: Why don't you drive yourself you fat bastard? You were sober enough to get here.
Roman: It's the tutorial! What did you expect?
Oh, I've regained control of my limbs again. Hey this car is kinda good. It feels weighty like a real car (which of course it is). Oh no! Understeer! Damn. I drove into the sea.
The car was destroyed.
Hey, I'm alive and the car's okay! Yay! Okay, I'm driving the car now.
Niko drives the car out of the dockyard an onto the streets of Hove Beach.
Roman: This is Hove Beach. It's where people from the old country come to settle. Funny isn't it? People come all this way to be with the people they escaped from.
Niko: Hilarious. So why don't you show me around the city?
Roman: Fucking terrorists man. There's been a warning and we can't go across the bridges. You, without a visa, had best stay in Hove Beach. And help out your cousin!
Niko: Yeah, I'm really going to fucking stay in this little shitty corner when the developers made three full islands.
I just passed by a weird crappy building. Possibly the crappiest building...
Roman: There's my cab office. That will take us to the top!
Roman: You should see the women we have here Niko! Back home we only have old hags. Here we have all types!
Niko: Like mental patients, the only people who could love you?
Niko turns a corner.
What the hell is that? It's like some sort of holographic floating yellow arrow pointing down.
Roman: Drive the car into that pointy thing. In America, they even tell you where to park. It's great.
Niko: If you say so Roman.
Niko parks the car and they both get out.
It's some crappy apartment building with shit on the front door. We head on inside and up the stairs. I lose control of my limbs again.
Niko: So this is the mansion?
Roman: Well, yeah.
Niko: You're so full of shit! You're not rich and you don't have a mansion!
Roman: Bye bye.
Argh! Stupid Roman! He's run out! Oh well. I might as well make the most of it. This apartment is pretty crappy. I'll go to sleep on this couch-bed thing. I can help Roman tomorrow. The American dream is about working hard and achieving fame rather than getting things easily. I love America.
Oh, look, it's six hours later now and a big massive 'R' has appeared on my GPS. I wonder what it is. It probably stands for 'Retard'. Wait, a blue arrow is on the GPS now. Oh, cool, I walked up to the man and he turns out to be a rich racist junkie who gives me $100 for walking towards him. Awesome. I'll go see Roman now.
Roman: Hey, cousin. This is my girlfriend who is cheating on me with my money-lender who keeps making subtle hints that he is humping her but I fail to catch on. Here he is now!
Some creepy-looking fat prick with a gay moustache just walked in.
Vlad: Hello, Roman. Hey, bitch. Tell this fucking yokel (who probably comes from the same area as me but I'm richer than him because Mikhail Faustin, who you don't know yet, made me his bitch) that if he doesn't stop staring at me with his hand in his pants I'll chop his head off and put a film of it on MySpa- oh, er, My Room page.
Roman: Niko, I'm going to go gamble the money lent to me by that guy who just ripped the pish out of you in a game of cards. When his bitches inevitably show up, phone me with your shitty old phone I'm going to give you. They drive a shitty beige Bui- shit, umm, Willard. You're going to kill them all later but don't do it yet, it will fuck up the storyline. By the way, my nickname is the Janitor.
I droped Roman aka The Janitor at his card game when the bitches show up. I'm calling Roman on my crappy phone.
Niko: Roman, the bitches have arrived.
Roman: Oh, shit, coming.
Oh, shit, these guys have Uzi's. I better lose them. Oh, look, the red villain dot on my GPS is gone. I lost them. Hooray! Let's go back now.
Roman: Thanks, Niko. Come back soon.
Good, I'm done with Roman for just now, I'm going to see if that rich racist junkie has another spare $100 to give away. I love Liberty City. Damn, he's not here today. I'm going back to Roman to see what other boring missions he has for me.
Vlad: Hey, yokel, bring me some coffee!
Niko: Where the fuck is Roman?
Roman arrives at the scene carrying a bucket of KFC- I mean, Clucking Bell chicken.
Vlad: There you are you fat fuck. You don't have beautiful hairy body like me. Where is my fucking money?
Roman: I had some of it but I need to impress Mallorie by finally changing my underwear, so I bought a new pair.
Vlad: Fatty bitch, tell this yokel to stop staring at me. I know, I look good and hairy and all, but I don't like some filthy...err...wherever this fuck came from..or whatever.
Niko: That's not very nice! I'm telling!
I took out the shitty cellphone Roman gave me long ago and dialed a few numbers. After that I clicked some unnecessary buttons then suddenly a bike appeared in front of me. I rode in the bike, took off at 200 miles an hour and hit the money lender. He's dead.
Roman : What have you done? We're dead!
Niko : No we're not. We're alive!
Roman : He has powerful friends, they'll fuck us up! Let's run away!
Niko : No, you call your steroid-pumped bald friend, Brucie Kibbutz, he'll take care of the problem.
Roman : But you're not on that mission yet.
Niko : Fuck! I'll see you later Roman. I have to see the cop- I mean, Michelle.
I called Roman to send me a cab
Niko : Uhhhhhhhh ! Roman I need a cab NOW!
Roman : Ladies, this is Roman Bellic but I guess you already know that I am a fat fuck and unable to find a girlfriend but managed to get one because my cousin killed her last boyfriend! Leave a message!
Arrgh fuck! Who cares, I'll just hijack this shitty little Blista with a 90 year old woman driving it. I opened the door, punched the lady in the face, then threw her on the street. I got in the car then ran the old woman over before heading out to be lured by the cops. Oh shit, my phone is ringing.
Niko: FOR THE LAST TIME ROMAN! I DON'T WANT TO GO FUCKING BOWLI-!
Little Jacob: Niko! Whadda'gwan?
Oh shit. It turns out to be that marijuana-fueled Brazilian/Chilean/Jamaican dumbass again. Shit. I need to pretend I can understand.
Niko: Jacob! What's going on?
Little Jacob: Eh, got'ta won you an'ting, Niko. 'Tis lil' cop posse' 'ere ees boobs.
Niko: Where are you Jacob? A strip club?
Little Jacob: Na. I mean, yea yea and 'ting.
Niko: I see. See you la-
Little Jacob: Niko wana play darts an'ting?
Fucking America. Everybody wants to play bowling, darts, pool or whatever but they fucking suck at playing it. No wonder the American Dream is so great.
I threw my phone at the toll booth operator. I told him that will be my toll payment. Shit, tolls are expensive here in America. I mean, 5 dollars for just passing through a shitty gate. In my unidentified Eastern European country, tolls are free.
Shit, I'm running out of time. I see the entrails of the old woman I ran over earlier hanging on my rear bumper. I'm surprised the police have not noticed me yet. American police are so stupid.
My phone is ringing. I suppose I better answer it.
Roman: Hey, cousin. Do you want to go and ea-
Niko: NO, YOU FAT FUCK, WE JUST ATE TWO MINUTES AGO!
Roman: But I'm hungry again.
Niko: Fuck off!
It rings again.
Niko: Roman, I swear I'm going to fucking kill you-
Michelle: Uhh, Niko?
Niko: Oh, hey Michelle. What's up?
Michelle: You wanna go bowling? Because y'know, I like you and wanna get to know you, but not like in a government agent style way... yet.
Niko: Sure. But do I get to kill you after? Because you're one fucking annoying bitch.
Michelle: WHAT?! No! Okay, you know what, I've had enough of this bullshit, I'll find my own way home, even though I'm already home, because I'm completely useless in this game, and that I have no friends to hang out with. I'll ignore you for a bit, and beg you to hang out with me again in a few days.
Niko: Fine, bitch! I'll kill yo- I mean, I'll call you later.
Michelle: Wait! Niko!
Michelle: Ugghhhhhh, I was asleep! Call me back after 6!
Niko: FUCK! I lost track of time again!
My phone rings. Damn, I'm popular today.
Roman: Niko, Dardan and his bum-chums are beating the shit out of me. Help!!!
Niko: But I want American-government-agent-lady-who-pretends-she-has-O.C.D-to-keep-the-government-agent-secret-that-I-just-told-you-about-secret-which-you-might-spot-beforehand-as-she-makes-very-very-subtle-hints-towards-this-fact pussy!
Roman: Okay, you do that and I'll somehow go home. Yet, I'll get myself caught in this same predicament almost as soon as you get the girl.
Roman: Wait, I almost forgot.
Niko: What is it?
Roman: You wanna grab something to ea-
I hope this girl likes me, Michelle, or Karen or whatever that dumb ass bitch's name is, but I'm worried about Roman. No, not the Dardan thing, the fact that he is morbidly obese. Let's face it, he is a fat fuck. Oh, well. He is fat but he is also... ummm... well, thats actually about it really. I love fat American lady. She has nice throw pillows. Very tasteful.
My shitty phone rings.
Roman: Hey, Niko. Ummm, Dardan is here with his inbred brother and other bitch to beat me up again, in the exact same place, yet I am able to phone you. Help?
Niko: Okay, but only because I get to murder someone.
I go to help Roman.
Bledar or Inbred Brother: Hey, fatty's cousin, come on!
I kick the shit out of him.
Roman: Thanks. There's Dardan! Let's get him. To the Bellicmobile!
I slap Roman.
Niko: Never say that again or I swear I'll fucking kill you, Roman.
I chase Dardan.
Roman: Thanks for helping, but I could've taken them.
Roman: I'm going to fuck Dardan up!
Niko: No you're not. You're going to sit there and shut the fuck up like a good little girl. Okay?
I corner Dardan, take his knife and stab him so that he falls through a window. Oh, the irony.
Roman: Yeah, we fucked him up!!!
Niko: You didn't do any shit. You just sat there on your fat fucking ass and ate your bellybutton fluff.
Roman: Don't knock it until you've tried it.
Niko: Shut the fuck up you fat bastard!
I drop Roman home. I promised myself I wouldn't kill anyone and I have done so in the first week. I am the worst promise-keeper ever. Even though this isn't real, since it's just a fucking video game. I love America. Template:GTA