UnScripts:Genesis, Episode II: In the Garden of Eden

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Adamandevewoodcut

Hey, look! They're naked!

The fifty part Genesis series of plays were written by Moses (7 Adar 2368 - 7 Adar 2488 in the Hebrew calendar, ??? - ??? in the Gregorian calendar) during a sojourn to Sinai. God Himself dictated them to Moses, who complained about the sand and the heat while transcribing the lengthy tale in Hebrew shorthand (no spaces). To thank God, he gave Him top billing. Moses, however, kept all the royalties.

Moses went on to pen Exodus (a good Hebrew/bad Egyptian story about a loose cannon prophet named Moses who plays by his own rules), Leviticus (like Sparticus, but with 'Lev'. Also, Moses), Numbers (an esoteric treatise on Moses' journey from Sinai to Moab), and Deuteronomy (three one-man, Moses-centric plays), but he never again attained the success that he had with Genesis. After this five part collection (Torah! Torah! Torah! in Hebrew) entered the public domain other writers added to the canon, which were eventually gathered together in an omnibus edition, commonly called the Hebrew Bible.

The Hebrew Bible, in turn, spawned no less than three sequels (the New Testament, the New New Testament and the New New New Testament), dozens of film adaptations, a few lavish Broadway extravaganzas (including several musicals), as well as numerous action figures and plush dolls.

This particular play, set in a garden (not a "garden" garden, with chubby retirees toiling over strawberry plants, but one with trees and no old people), takes place shortly after the events of, and to a certain extent borrows from, the hit Genesis, Episode I: HowTo Make the Universe in Six Easy Days.

Episode II, in turn, begat Episode III, which begat Episode IV, which begat Episode V, which begat Episode VI, which begat...

God2

God. At this early stage of his career, God (family name unknown), was most famous for making the entire universe.

Characters

God

Director, writer and set designer, God's most recognizable characteristic is that He is a "big picture" guy. While God is fascinated by the idea of making a practically infinite universe for a single human, He quickly loses interest and moves on to an exciting game of crashing galaxies into one another.

In this particular play He is both affable and earnest, if inexperienced. In a turnabout from Episode I, where He was the only character with lines, in this episode He is forced to share the spotlight; a role for which He is universally ill-suited.

Adam

Adam was invented in the previous play in the Genesis series, Episode I, where he was simply credited as "Man".

Bright-eyed and full of curiosity, Adam sees the world as one big thing to poke with a stick. He is clearly a boy in a man's body.

His bellybutton looks suspiciously like a Chiquita Banana sticker.

Eve

With a bite that's as bad as her bark, Eve provides that je ne c'est quoi during her time in the garden. She's filled with joie de vivre, nom de plume and pomme de terre, as well as many other French phrases that lose something in the translation.

Some anti-Eve critics blame her entirely for The Fall which comes at the end of the play. The text makes it clear, however, that neither Eve and Adam knew the risks of forbidden fruit consumption. Others, meanwhile, believe that "...without her, Adam would be half a man.". These people are incorrect; Adam would still be a man, he'd just be an idiot.

Serpent

He's a snake. Also, he talks.

TheGardenofEden

The garden of Eden, pre-fall. Unless you mean the season, then it's fall.

In the Garden of Eden, a Play in One Act

(Curtain rises)

[Adam is clumsily placed by the giant hand of God into the garden. Adam is naked, which would ordinarily make him a bit uncomfortable as nudity, by definition, means that he has no pockets in which to put his stuff. Luckily, he has no stuff to put in the pockets which he does not have]

God: Welcome to the garden of Eden. You are the pinnacle of my grand design. I AM THAT I AM. Wups, that last bit was for Moses.

Adam: Wow...it's kind of foresty for a garden. Don't gardens generally have pumpkins, corn, peas, and the like?

G: It is a garden. If you're hungry, have a pinecone or some bark or something.[1] I brought you here to dress it and to keep it.[2]

[Adam looks confused]

A: Say again?

G: I said, 'I brought you here to dress it and to keep it'.

[Adam looks confused, furrows brow]

A: You want a naked man to dress a garden?

G: Sort of. You don't have to take what I say literally, sometimes.

A: How will I know when you're speaking figuratively?

G: Mumble, mumble. Mumble.

A: Ah...

[Adam looks, down, touches crotch, and looks more confused than he did before, when he was only moderately confused]

A: What's this for?

G: That is something which will get you into trouble.

[Adam continues to touch crotch, gets an erection]

A: Is this 'trouble'?

G: Brother, don't you know it. You'll cover it up, eventually. In the meantime, stop that! Stop!

Universe

The universe. (Not shown, Adam, just out of frame)

A: You're not the boss of me!

G: Actually, yes. Yes, I am. Look, I'm as new at this as you are. We'll stumble through it together, you and I.

A: So, it's just you and I in a garden that's not a "garden" garden?

G: No, there is far more than what you see here. The universe is a vast and fascinatingly complex thing; a book that merely touched upon its many layers, from its tiniest sub-atomic particles to its seventy sextillion stars, all contained in a space of virtually incomprehensible enormity, would have an infinite number of chapters, each with an infinite number of pages. I made it all for you, but this little bit here is pretty much the only part you'll ever see. Pity. A bunch of the universe is fucking awesome. And you can call me God.

[Adam shrugs, scratches stomach]

A: Hey! My bellybutton fell off!

G: Oh, for me's sake.

[God reaches down to fix bellybutton, a Jiffy marker held precariously in his giant hand]

G: Moving on...all that you see around you is yours.

A: What about that nearby river?[3]

G: Sure. Also, the rivers that join together to become that river; the Hiddekel and Euphrates from Babylon...[4]

A: Wow.

G: ...and the Pison from Havilah (Yemen) and Gihon from Ethiopia.[5]

A: When do I get to see them?

Wedding apple tree

God: "See this tree? Don't eat its fruit...its sweet, delicious, crisp, tasty fruit."

G: Later...you should stick around here for now.

[Adam checks Google Earth, brow furrows]

A: Um, there are no rivers that start as other rivers that come from Africa, the southern part of the Arabian Peninsula and Asia minor.

G: Mumble, mumble. Mumble. See that tree? Don't eat from that tree.

A: Why?

G: Because in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.[6]

A: Is that a literal day, or a figurative one?

G: Mumble, mumble. Mumble.

A: Ah...come again?

G: Just remember the 'death' bit.

A: Okay.

[Adam pauses, brow furrowed]

A: What's 'death'?

G: *Sigh*. You know what you are now?

A: Vaguely.

Adam animals

Adam: "I'm naming you Dorothy. And you're Dorothy, too. Ooo! You're so Dorothy!"

G: Death is the opposite of that.

A: Oh.

[Adam pauses, brow furrowed]

A: God?

G: Yes?

A: What's the opposite of 'vaguely'?

G: Oh, me! This isn't going well. Here, have an animal. And another. And another. Name them all.[7]

[Various kinds of animals pop out of the ground]

A: Oh, boy! 'The Name Game'! I'm naming this one Dorothy. Dorothy! Dorothy, Dorothy bo Borothy Bonana fanna fo Forothy...

[Time passes...]

A: Done! I named them all Dorothy.

G: *Sigh*. Time to try something new...

[Adam falls asleep, wakes up with a scar on his chest.[8] Eve, looking both worried and bored, sits nearby]

Adam and eve 538136200 6b96a3f7f9

Adam: "Eve! Eve Eve bo Beve Bonana fanna fo Feve. Fee fy mo Meve. Eve!"

A: What the...I gots an owie!

Eve:[9] Are you all right? It looks like someone tore out one of your ribs.

[Adam looks at Eve]

A: Hey, you look exactly like me.

[Adam notices Eve's crotch][10]

A: You broke yours off already? I didn't know that they were so brittle. I'm naming you Woman.[11]

E: It's Eve, actually. You can only name the animals, dummy.

A: Oh. I named them all Dorothy.

E: Whatever. I'm going to go look at that snake over there.

A: It's a Dorothy.

E: Whatever.

A: If the Dorothy tells you it's okay to eat from that tree, it's fibbing. If you do, you'll die this day.

E: What's 'die'?

A: It's the opposite of 'vaguely'.

E: Ah....

[Eve wanders over to the snake]

E: Hey.

Serpent: 'Sup?

E: Not much.

S: Fruit?[12]

Brown tree snake

Serpent: "Holy ssshit! I can ssspeak!"

[The serpent hands Eve an apple]

E: Thanks. I'll take one to Adam, too.

[Adam and Eve eat the fruit][13]

A&E: Wow, our eyes are opened, and we shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.[14]

E: I don't even feel like we'll die this day.

[Together they gaze pensively off into the distance and quietly contemplate their newfound knowledge of good and evil. Brows suitably furrowed, they notice for the first time that they are ashamed of their nakedness; full-frontal clearly falling in the 'evil' category]

E: Well, no more nudity for us.[15]

A: Too bad. Now I'll have to find another place to hang my towel.

G: Sorry, I've been away for a bit. Did I miss anything?[16]

A: Not really...aren't you omniscient?

G: Yes, but I'm not very good at it. Did you see a snake?

A: A Dorothy? Yeah. It had a lisssp.

G&E: *Groan*...

A: We ate from that tree. Are we 'dead' now?

G: Well, that's it for you, then...

(Curtain lowers)

References

  1. Gen 2:16
  2. Gen 2:15
  3. Gen 2:10
  4. Gen 2:14
  5. Gen 2:11, 2:13
  6. Gen 2:17
  7. Gen 2:18-20
  8. Gen 2:21
  9. Gen 2:22
  10. Gen 2:25
  11. Gen 2:23
  12. Gen 3:1
  13. Gen 3:6
  14. Gen 3:5 (technically, the serpent said it. Of course, technically, serpents can't talk.)
  15. Gen 3:7
  16. Gen 3:9


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