UnScripts:Employee Training Video
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Uncyclopedia Employee Training Video is a standard video shown to new Uncyclopedians to make them more adept at the facets of being an Uncyclopedian.
Narrator: Welcome, to the Uncyclopedia Official Training Video.
<insert name here>: Who? Me?
Narrator: Yes, YOU! Welcome. This video is a standard video given to help train the newest employees of Uncyclopedia Inc.!
<insert name here>: Oh. Well I don't want to-
Narrator: Let's get started!
edit Your Workbench
<insert name here>: Ah! Where am I?
Narrator: You are at the standard Uncyclopedia workbench, where you can create all kinds of articles.
<insert name here>: Cool! I'm going to make-
Narrator: Not so fast there, slick! We're going to go over a few of the tools at your disposal.
<insert name here>: Can't I just-
Narrator: The first thing you will notice about your workbench is the message on top. The message is very important, because it details standard employee procedure. We will cover these procedures in the next section.
<insert name here>: Okay. I'm going to make-
Narrator: The next part you will notice are the tools of the trade. These are buttons that allow you to insert the most basic things into your article. The most important button on that workbench is the signature button, or the third to last button used to sign your name on talk pages and forums. We will gover these procedures in a later section.
<insert name here>: Can I make an article now?
<insert name here>: (Groan)
Narrator: The next part that you will notice is a large box. This large box is the centerpoint of your workbench. It is used to type text.
<insert name here>: Well I'm going to type-
Narrator: The part right below that repeats policy and procedure again. If you are not familiar with these policies, we will cover them in the next section.
<insert name here>: ...Can't I mak-
Narrator: The summary box is the next thing you will notice. The purpose of this box is to give the editors a general idea of what you have written on your page.
<insert name here>: Who cares?
Narrator: Please wait until the next section. Next will be two buttons. One to mark if you have made a small edit, and a button to place the page on your watchlist. The watchlist will be covered in a later section.
<insert name here>: When do I get to make an art-
Narrator: When this video is complete. Now the next important part you will notice is three buttons, which will show the changes that your edit made, save the page to the server, and preview what you have made. If you have the mental capacity of a dead horse, chances are you will not be using the preview or changes buttons often.
<insert name here>: Are you insulting me?
<insert name here>: Why I oughta-
Narrator: On to the next section: Admins, Policy and Procedure.
edit Admins, Policy, and Procedure
Narrator: Our first topic is making an article-
<insert name here>: YAY!
Narrator: -that fits into policies.
<insert name here>: Oh...
Narrator: The biggest policy that is referred to is aliased How to be funny and not just stupid, or HTBFANJS for short. It is important for all employees to read this article.
<insert name here>: But I don't want to!
Narrator: Well tough shit.
<insert name here>: Wahh!
<insert name here>: This is stupid. It says I can't make articles on my friends, band or inside jokes that we make!
Narrator: That's because those articles are not funny and are absolute shit. If you would like to make articles on your friends, there are many other places you can do it, such as a shittily designed MySpace profiles, or a dense headed livejournal.
<insert name here>: But it's funny to me!
Narrator: Articles such as that are called "Vanity", and are not allowed on Uncyclopedia because they are not going to be funny to everyone.
<insert name here>: BUT I WANT TO CREATE AN ARTICLE ABOUT MY FRIENDS!
Narrator: Tough shit. In the next subsection, we will be covering procedure, and what exactly happens if you choose to be a dumbass.
<insert name here>: I don't care what you say, invisible voice, and I don't care what policy says! I'm making an article about how stupid Sally is!
Narrator: Hold on there, Francis.
<insert name here>: What is it now.
Narrator: It is customary procedure for all employees to wash their hands before writing an article.
(<insert name here> washes his/her hands)
<insert name here>: There, my hands are washed. Now I'm going to write my article!
<insert name here>: Ha! It's complete!
Narrator: Now let's see policy in action.
(Picture goes to Spang browsing his computer.)
Narrator: See Spang, who is currently browsing the newest articles to check if they are following procedure.
Spang: This crap that <insert name here> wrote is shit. It doesn't follow policy at all.
(Spang deletes the article. Picture moves back to <insert name here>)
<insert name here>: FU SPANG! Now I have to make it again!
(<insert name here> washes his/her hands, and recreates the article)
Narrator: Policy will once again be enforced. Remember Rcmurphy's Law - the more times you recreate an article, the greater the chance you won't be able to create it, and the greater the chance you are going to be as coveted as a bucket of piss.
(Camera goes once again to Spang)
Spang: What's this? <insert name here> made this shit again? CVP'd
(Spang deletes the article, redirects it to CVP, and locks it. The camera moves to <insert name here>)
<insert name here>: DAMN IT! I'm going to take this to the village dump!
(<insert name here> writes a complaint on the village dump)
Narrator: Remember policy, and your articles won't be deleted.
<insert name here>: Fuck policy! I can't write anything with policy!
Narrator: Remember, no employee wants to be a <insert name here>
<insert name here>: Fuck y-
Narrator: Let's move on to the next section - Administrators.
Narrator: Users are the life and blood of Uncyclopedia. Admins are the kidneys and liver - consistently filtering out crap from the blood part. Sometimes Uncyclopedia has kidney failures, but for the most part these kinds of things never happen.
<insert name here>: They keep deleting my articles. Fucking admins.
Narrator: Keep talking like that and admins will initiate the concepts of Policy and Procedure, on your ass.
<insert name here>: They can just go fuck a sheep for all I care.
Narrator: Let us see the standard admin response to your behavior.
(Camera goes to Famine sitting at his computer)
Famine: Okay, <insert name here>, your behavior is really starting to piss me off.
(Famine bans <insert name here>)
Narrator: As you can see here, future employees, it isn't wise to provoke admins, or to have balls for that matter.
<insert name here>: Shut up, voice guy.
Narrator: Now, let's go to the next section.
edit Voting and YOU
Narrator: Voting is a very simple act that is a cornerstone of what you do on Uncyclopedia. Even braindead monkeys can vote on an article! Yes, you, even YOU can vote on articles here.
<insert name here>: Hey, an article of mine is up for deletion on VFD!
Narrator: Vote to keep it. Remember proper editing procedure.
<insert name here>: Right. I have to freaken wash my hands.
Narrator: Adda boy! Maybe you are learning.
<insert name here>: Shut up.
(<insert name here> votes keep for his article)
Narrator: Now let us see the voting process in action. As you can see, not many people think your article on Britannia is funny, so it will eventually be deleted.
<insert name here>: Damn! It got deleted... I'm gonna bitch on this guy's talk page.
Narrator: Hold on there, Francis. You've already had a ban. You might not want to piss off the administrators.
<insert name here>: Shot your fuck up!
(<insert name here> complains on the nominator's talk page. The nominator complains to Moneysign. Moneysign bans <insert name here> for a week.)
Narrator: Looks like you're not finishing this tape any time soon. Remember, no employee wants to be a <insert name here>.
<insert name here>: One more smartass comment and I'm going to cut your cord, speaker boy.
edit Inside Jokes
<insert name here>: "go eat shit fuckers"? What the hell is this crap? I'm putting this on VFD.
Narrator: Hold your reins, steady, Cliff. What you have stumbled upon was your first Uncyclopedia inside joke.
<insert name here>: It's not funny.
Narrator: Exactly. Often the purest shit will make itself into the greatest inside jokes.
<insert name here>: I'm still putting this stuff on VFD. It's absolute shit. There isn't even anything funny about it! It fails HTBFANJS!
Narrator: A lot of articles fail such policies. The technical term that we use around here is "hypocrisy"
<insert name here>: It's not fair, though!
Narrator: Uncyclopedia isn't fair. Deal with it.
(<insert name here> washes their hands and puts Fisher Price on VFD. Everyone votes to keep except them.)
<insert name here>: This site sucks.
Narrator: Not really. It blows!
edit Talking on #uncyclopedia
Narrator: Uncyclopedia also has an IRC channel on Freenode called #uncyclopedia. It's primary use is whoring your nominated articles, sucking up to administrators, and carrying on conversation, but only to add stupid quotes to a place which is called QDB.
<insert name here>: That looks like just the place for me, but AIM won't let me get to #uncyclopedia. What's going on?
Narrator: #uncyclopedia is on IRC. That means you can't be completely braindead to get onto the channel.
<insert name here>: You're really starting to piss me off.
Narrator: To access #uncyclopedia, go through the Wikia CGI IRC portal linked on the chatroom page. Alternatively, you can replace your intelligence fuse, then use a real IRC client.
<insert name here>: I think I'll just use the CGI client.
Narrator: Excellent choice. I think it fits you quite well.
<insert name here>: Don't make fun of me.
(<insert name here> joins #uncyclopedia)
Narrator: The keys to staying on the channel are: one, not being an asshat, and two, using a real IRC client.
(Meanwhile on the channel)
<insert name here>: Fuck you!
ChanServ sets Zombiebaron mode +o
Zombiebaron: Let me put it to you this way:
LK sprinkles glitter on <insert name here>
IM|AFK_LOL: You know you want to: http:// uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Uncyclopedia:VFH/WHORE
<insert name here>: Why?
<insert name here> has left #uncyclopedia (requested by Zombiebaron)
Olipro: You can sprinkle glitter on me any day, LK.
Narrator: Congratulations, you yet again misarably failed!
edit Being a Good Employee
Narrator: Well, your asshattery has finally paid off, and you are on your way to winning an award.
<insert name here>: Huh?
Narrator: Yes, you have been nominated for a crappie, or in other words the Useless Gobshite of the Month.
<insert name here>: Is that a good thing?
Narrator: No. It means everyone hates you.
<insert name here>: NOOO! How can this be?
Narrator: Maybe it's because you haven't followed a lot of this advice in this video, and haven't read the policies you need to read.
<insert name here>: Oh...Well this still sucks!
Narrator: Let's look at another person who has come here at a time near yours. We'll call him Mr. Wilde.
<insert name here>: Great. You name him after an in-jo-
Narrator: Mr. Wilde has been doing good. He's made several UnNews articles and two of them were nominated. Observe what he wrote.
<insert name here>: These articles aren't that funny.
Narrator: Remember, no employee wants to be a <insert name here>.
<insert name here>: It's on, box boy!
(A speaker is tackled by <insert name here> and broken)
edit Wrapping Up
<insert name here>: There.
Narrator: That concludes our presentation on how to be-
<insert name here>: How can you still be alive?
Narrator: a good employee. See you- What are you doing there?
(<insert name here> takes out a baseball bat and runs off stage into a booth. A man is seen running out of the booth with a bloody nose)
Narrator: SWEET MOTHER OF CODEINE HELP ME!
<insert name here>: COME BACK HERE YOU TWAT!