UnScripts:Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie

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This Summer… Prepare for the adventure of a lifetime…

The screen is black, but suddenly, a floor lamp is flicked on, revealing five people around a table. One is behind a screen, the rest are wearing cloaks. Slowly, the fifth face rises from behind the screen. The camera pans closer and we see him to be an acne scarred obese man in his 20’s. He looks from side to side at the other four, and then speaks.'

Geek-712146

You’ve never seen D&D with such startling realism.

Dungeonmaster: You have entered the cave of Everlasting Agony. Everyone... Roll for Initiative.

The entire table gasps, and we hear the clattering of the dice being rolled

The risks? Incalculable.

We see one of the players sweating profusely, dice in hand.

Dungeonmaster: Frank, That’ll be a DC 18 fort save for that death effect.

Frank: Man, I’m scared, man! I don’t know if I can do it! I’ve only got a +3 mod to Fort!

Dungeonmaster: Squinting eyes and in a hoarse whisper Roll the dice, Frank.

The Perils? Innumerable.

Dungeonmaster: There is a nymph standing in the middle of the clearing. Naked. What do you do, Sam?

Sam: But I don’t know how to talk to girls!

The Prize? Unimaginable.

Dungeonmaster: Alright, whoever slays this vampire gets to take all the leftover Fritos and Mountain Dew home with them. Mom says we have too much junk food already.

But now, their greatest trial awaits...

Larpnerds

INTENSE ACTION.

A sweeping orchestral piece plays, but is swiftly halted as the door bursts open, and a group of obviously drunken people enter with a letterman wearing jock at the forefront

Dungeonmaster: Paul, what the hell do you think you’re doing!? I told you this was my D&D Night!

Paul: Whatever, you damn nerd. The party got crashed, so we’re having it over here now, get your little faggy nerd friends out of here.

Their pride and honor on the line… will the adventure continue? Or will the world have no saviors?

Scene transition to Sam being approached by a beautiful and obviously very drunken girl

Girl: Hey there, you wanna dance or something?

Sam grimaces

Sam: I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!

Scene transition to the nerds clustered around a girl passed out on the floor

Dungeonmaster: You think she might have alcohol poisoning or something?

Frank: If she does, I’ll just cast Neutralize Poison on her!

Silence

Dungeonmaster: I’ll get the somatic components!

Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie

A final scene

Sam: Guys... I think the police are here.

Frank: What’re we gonna do!?

Dungeonmaster: We… Roll for Initiative.

Coming Summer 2010

End Theatrical Trailer

edit As You sit in front of your computer...

We hear shuffling as a camera is pulled out from inside someone's coat, and is clicked on. The sound quality is what is to be expected from a Bootleg, and the genius who's taping this must have parkinson's or something, becuase the camera is shaking like a leaf in the breeze. The opening credits roll, with opera playing in the background. Once that's done, we are treated to a view of a basement, the camera panning to various piles of clothing and refuse scattered around. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and five nerds come through. The one in the middle is the fattest, ugliest, and most acne scarred, so he's obviously the leader. Behind the leader, we have the other four, all dressed in cloaks. They all walk up to table, and with a dramatic flair, take their seats.

Dungeonmaster:In a nasally tone All right guys, last time we left off, you were on the outside of the Cave of Everlasting Agony.

Sam: Hey, uh, what if we don't want to go into the cave of Everlasting Agony?

The table glares at Sam, and then four pairs of eyes roll in disgust

Frank: What kind of N00b are you? Of course we want to go into The Cave of Everlasting Agony. There could be treasure in there!

One of the Nerds with his cloak still up: Or perhaps an Illithid m-mindslaver! They sometimes have... F-Female slaves!

The whole table erupts into nerdy giggles, except for Sam.

Sam: Not funny, Kevin! You know I have trouble with girls!

KEvin: Good thing I'm not a l-loser like you are!

The table is silent

Dungeonmaster: Moving on. You enter the cave of Everlasting Agony. Roll for Initiative.

20sided20die

Made from REAL Adamantium!


The table gasps and the rattling of dice hitting the table is heard

KEvin: 13... Plus my 5 Initiative mod from my MASSIVE Dexterity bonus is 18.

A tall, skinny guy: That's the only massive thing you've got.

Kevin turns red

Kevin: S-Shut up, Greg! Just becuase you have a girlfriend!

Dungeonmaster: Can it, Guys. All right, in front of you are three orcs. What'll you do?

Greg: I'll use one of my barbarian rages to get 8 temporary hitpoints and +4 strength. Then I'll charge in and lay into them with my battle axe.

Dungeonmaster: Roll damage, Greg.

Dice hit the table

Greg: Critical hit.

Dungeonmaster: You splatter all three of them in one hit. 112 Experiance for you, Greg.

Greg scribbles something down on his character sheet

Dungeonmaster: Good. Now all of you step into what appears to be a forest grove in the middle of the cave. There is a nymph standing in the middle of the clearing. Naked. What do you do, Sam?

Sam: But I don't Know how to talk to girls!

Larp-13

Even if there are girl nerds, your chances of getting laid with them approach Absolute Zero.


Dungeonmaster: Luckily enough for Sam, Beside the Nymph is a banshee. As soon as it sees you, It wails. Roll fort, everybody.

Everyone rolls, except for Frank.

Dungeonmaster: Frank, That’ll be a DC 18 fort save for that death effect.

Frank: Man, I’m scared, man! I don’t know if I can do it! I’ve only got a +3 mod to Fort!

Dungeonmaster: Squinting eyes and in a hoarse whisper Roll the dice, Frank.

Frank hesitently drops his dice on the table, closing his eyes. We hear a sharp intake of breath form the rest of the table. Frank opens his eyes, and we see a "1" on his twenty sided dice

Dungeonmaster: Ouch, a critical miss, Frank. You're toast.

Frank: GOD DAMMIT!

Suddenly, we hear the squealing of tires from outside, and moments later, The door explodes open, and in walks a letterman wearing jock, followed by a gaggle of obviously drunken party goers.

Dungeonmaster: Paul, what the hell do you think you’re doing!? I told you this was my D&D Night!

Paul: Whatever, you damn nerd. The party got crashed, so we’re having it over here now, get your little faggy nerd friends out of here.

The partygoers head for the fridge, and they remove a copious amount of beer from it with alarming rapidity, the party begins, leaving the five nerds sitting in the eye of the hurricane.

Sam: So, what do we do now? I mean, it's not like we can stay here.

Kevin: Y-yeah. I'd better get going-

Dungeonmaster: Hold on! We're nowhere near done with the adventure!

The other nerds sort of look away or down at the floor.

Dungeonmaster: Oh, come on Guys, We can;t give up this easily! We've got to fight this out, make a stand-

A drunken party-goer stumbles into the table and slops his beverage all over the character sheets and DM screen

Party-goer: Thickly Oops. Sorry.

The remaining nerds begin to pack things up, until a very beautiful and obviously very drunk girl walks up to Sam. He grimaces before she even says a word.

Drunk Girl: Hey, Wanna dance or something?

Sam: Panicing I need an Adult! I NEED AN ADULT!

Kevin: D-dude, you ARE an adult.

The girl keeps getting closer and closer to Sam, until she's about three inches away from him. Then she blinks twice, and throws up all over Sam's "High Roller" T-shirt.

Sam: I... Uh... Uh...

Frank: Somebody just totally biffed their reflex save.

The girl buckels, and hits the floor

Paul: Lightweight. Someone drag her off to the side.

Two burly party-goers drag her off to one side, and then resume partying The nerds sort of goggle at what just happened, and Sam looks especially worried.

Sam: Is she okay? She doesn't look so good...

Dungeonmaster: I'm sure she'll be fine. Come on guys, lets go down to the basement, We'll be able to play down there.

The nerds exit and the screen fades to black

Some guy gets up in front of the bootlegger but fortunately, it doesn't seem like you missed anything, though the bootlegger should probably lay off the 108 ounce dink he somehow managed to stuff into his cupholder. That much Mountain Dew can't be healthy


Text appears at the bottom of the screen, stating that three hours have passed since the nerds were chased down to the basement by the party

The door to the basement opens, and the five nerds step up, yawning

Dungeonmaster: A pretty good session, if you ask me.

Greg: I'm glad we took care of that vampire, he was definitely a menace to the nearby villages.

They all stop cold. The camera pans around to show a trashed upstairs, with the girl still laying on the floor right where she was left.

Kevin: Oh S-shit.

Sam anxiously approaches her, and hesitates before taking her hand and getting her pulse. He then checks her breathing, and then stands up

Dungeonmaster: What the hell was that, Sam? I thought you were deathly afraid of Girls.

Sam is white as a ghost

Sam: Guys, I'd guess she has a pretty bad case of alcohol poisoning. We need to call 911 right away, her breathing's real shallow and-

Frank: If she has alcohol poisoning, I'll just cast Neutralize Poison on her

Silence

Dungeonmaster: I'll go get the somatic components.

Greg Glares at Frank and the Dungeonmaster

Greg: Alchohol poisoning is pretty serious, guys. I'm calling 911.

As Greg dials, sirens are heard off in the distance

The group looks to each other

Frank: Is that the Police? What're we gona do?!

Dungeonmaster: We... Roll for initiative.'

Greg, who has been on his cell phone, flips it closed

Greg: They say they'll have an ambulance on the way shortly. Nothing to worry about.

Sam Rechecks her breathing in the background

Sam: Guys... GUYS... SHE'S NOT BREATHING!

Frank: Well, If she dies, I can always just cast true resurrection on her. I am a level 17 cleric, after all.

Sam: Frank, SHUT UP! We need to do something right now, or she's gonna die!

All eyes turn to Sam

Dungeonmaster: Well, Sam, You ARE a medical student. Haven't they taught you CPR?

Sam: Of course they have, But, But! She's a Girl!

Greg: Dude, You have to. Nobody else knows how.

Kevin: I'll give it a try!

Sam takes a deep breath

Sam: Allright, I'll Do it

04ds3

Can you technically "Roll" A three sided dice?

Sam Goes down, and begins CPR on the unconscious girl

After 30 Seconds of rapt silence, the girl coughs up some vomit, and begins breathing again.

Sam stands, and wipes his brow, the other four nerds applaud

Kevin: Nice going, man!

Greg: Dude, I you just saved someone's life. I can't believe you play a neutral evil.

Dungeonmaster: I'd call that a nat 20 heal check. 560 Exp for that, Sam.

Frank: Are you sure we shouldn't try neutralize poison?

Girl: Groggily Where am I?

Sam: You got left here by your friends. You, um, weren;t breathing, So I uh, Had to, ehh, give you... CPR?

Girl: Rubs temples and sits up I Still feel pretty awful, but it looks like you're telling the truth... I hate to say it, but I'm really grateful. Wait. You said I wasn't breathing?

Sam nods

Girl: And You gave me CPR?

Sam nods again, nervously

Girl: So you pretty much saved my life?

Sam: Yeah, I guess I did?

A pair of EMTs run in through the front door with a stretcher

EMT#1: Miss? Are you okay? We heard there was a girl here with a case of alcohol posioning.

Girl: To the EMT I'm Julia, and these guys here saved my life.

EMT#2: Oh? I know that one. motions to Sam He works over at the hospital as a student sometimes. He walks over to Sam and shakes his hand Good work on saving your first life, son.

Sam is red as a beet

Julia: I'd better go with these guys for now, and get cleaned out the rest of the way. Here, take this. She holds out a piece of paper to Sam That's my number. Call me this week, okay? I'd like to get to know the guy who saved my life.

Julia Exits with the help of the EMTs

Dungeonmaster: Sam, you must have like a +8 charisma mod to hook a girl like that.

Sam rubs the back of his head and smiles, emabarrased

Kevin: So, who's up for pizza? They deliver until 3 a.m. at Domino's.

Sam: If you're paying, I'm up for it!

Kevin: All right, all right, I'll pay for Sam, since he's the hero and all that. You other kobold spawn have to pay for yourselves!

Frank picks up a d20 from the floor, and rolls it

Ha! a 19+ my natural 15 persuade bonus is 34. I'll persuade you to buy me pizza, too!

They all erupt in nerdy giggles and the screen fades to the credits

As the credits roll, people get up to leave, but the bootlegger Continues to sit through the credits. You wonder if he's asleep, or perhaps dead, since the shaking has stopped.

As the credits end, the screen fades back in, to show 6 people in cloaks at a table. The Dungeonmaster's face rises over the screen, and he speaks

Dungeonmaster: You enter the crypts of the Lich-Lord.

Sam: removing hood I cast my "light" Cantrip. It provides a 60 foot strong glowing effect for 1 hour per level.

Julia: Removing hood I'll go into hide mode, and scout out the area for any undead.

Dungeonmaster: Good move. There are three skeletons patrolling the area.

Julia: Now what? I'm still new to this.

Dungeonmaster: Now... WE ROLL FOR INITIATIVE.

The screens fades to black as the bootleg ends

20070126 fbi warning 2

Um... Oops?

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