| This article is really Otaku|
If you're an uncultured swine with no love for high school girls with cat ears you might not like this article-desu.
(Ed. Note -- This "script" has been divided into acts and scenes in order to make it easier to edit. For no other or better reason that that. Also, I'm adding pictures. They don't really add to the comedy, they just make this page prettier. I'm just using pictures that are already on Uncyclopedia.com, so I'm fairly certain that they aren't copyrighted. I originally wrote this on IMDb, so if you see any errors in formatting...or lack of capitalization...feel free to correct it. Or if you see "fk" or "sht" instead of "fuck" or "shit, respectively (IMDb doesn't like that kind of language). Transferring this thing from one way of formatting to another was a bitch and a half, so please don't vandalize it. Sorry about bitching, just wanted to clear up a few things. Anyway, the comedy:)
ACT 1, SCENE 1GOKU: I am the strongest warrior on earth!
VEGETA: That's just because you're a Saiyan, and we're, like, a hundred times as strong as humans, naturally.
GOKU: Okay, I can buy that.
NAPPA: LOOK, Vegeta! A POKEMON! Ima try to catch him!
CHIAOTZU: I`m going to latch on your back and self-destruct, and I`M NOT A POKEMON!
NAPPA: I`m still alive, dumbass! Well, that was boring, so I`m going to fight Kakarot now. Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?
VEGETA: It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND!
GOKU: Cool, really?
NAPPA: Vegeta, I asked for a power level, I didn't ask for a fucking ballpark estimate, okay?!
VEGETA: Well, 9426 doesn't quite have the same effect, now does it?! Whatever. Not being from Earth, we can wipe the floor with you, Kakarot!
GOKU: Oh, BRING IT ON!!!!!!!
GOKU: Hey, what do I know, I won. And somehow, Nappa died.
VEGETA: I’m going to Namek so I can get the Dragon Balls and wish myself to be the greatest warrior in the universe!
GOKU: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m going to Namek so I can get the Dragon Balls and wish back to life all of those friends of mine you killed.
FRIEZA: The Dragon Balls are as good as mine.
GOKU: Who the hell is that???
VEGETA: That's Frieza; he's the strongest fighter in the universe. Basically, he could kick the ass of ten of me, and he pwnd our entire species.
GOKU: Okay, I can buy that.
VEGETA: Also, he can destroy planets, all on his own without aid of technology or anything.
GOKU: That seems a little implausible, the laws of the universe being what they are, but then, he is the strongest fighter in the universe. Okay, I’ll bite, but man, he better be the strongest opponent I ever face--and I mean, EVER!!!
VEGETA: ...Um, sure.
FRIEZA: You, monkey, come here. I feel like some cheap entertainment, so I’m going to kill you.
GOKU: Is he talking to ME? Man, how do these freaks find me?
ACT 1, SCENE 2FIGHT!
FRIEZA: Okay, this is getting stupid. I'm just gonna pwn your little bald friend over there.
GOKU: NO! He's the star of my midget circus! It was going to make millions! KRILLIIIIIIIIIIN!!!
KRILLIN: Oh relax, Goku, protagonists in this series never stay dead.
GOKU: Crap. Oh hey, I just got ridiculously powerful, and I’m suddenly blonde for some reason.
VEGETA: OMG! You're a Super-Saiyan?! How did you do that? I’ve been trying for my whole life! WTF is this bullshit?
FRIEZA: Not so fast! I'm going to shrink to half my size, get naked, and convert the extra mass to huge, bulging muscles! Let's see how you like that!
GOKU: Okay then, let me just take my shirt off...
GOKU: That's all it took? *shrugs* Well, it makes about as much sense as anything else in this show. So, the tranny planet destroyer is dead and I’m the most powerful fighter in the universe now? Sweet. I guess that that means that the show is over. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. Time to go home.
VEGETA: Can I come, too? My planet was destroyed.
GOKU: Well, you did kill all my friends that one time, but what the hell. They're all alive again anyway, so no harm, no foul, I suppose.
GOKU: Home sweet home.
FRIEZA: Not so fast, monkey!
GOKU: Hey, that hurts my feelings--and didn't I kill you?
FRIEZA: I’m a cyborg now, and better than ever!
GOKU: Well, I guess I should have expected something like this to happen. I guess I ought to just be grateful my show isn't over yet, and just get on with kicking the crap out of this guy again.
TRUNKS: That will not be necessary. I’ll take care of these pests.
GOKU: Gee, thanks...but who the hell are you? And how come you're so powerful? You just kicked the crap out of Super-Frieza and his papa.
TRUNKS: With ease.
GOKU: Which only makes you more implausible.
TRUNKS: Oh, yeah, I’m, like, fifty times as strong as that loser.
ACT 1, SCENE 3
GOKU: Really? You're fifty times as strong as the guy who DESTROYS PLANETS with a wave of his pinky? This is getting REALLY ridiculous.
TRUNKS: That's not all, though. I’m from the future.
GOKU: ...Of course you are. Well, makes more sense than everything else here.
TRUNKS: I actually came back to warn you about some evil robots that take over my future.
GOKU: ...Rreeeaaallly??? Something you can't deal with???
TRUNKS: Oh, yeah. They're, like fifty times as powerful as I am.
GOKU: Goddamnit, what the hell is wrong with this show? Well, we're screwed.
TRUNKS: Nuh-uh! Just train really, really hard.
GOKU: And that's supposed to work??? Well, will you at least stay with us and train us?
TRUNKS: Nope. I just remembered that I left some instant ramen on the stove in my time, and I’ve got to get back before it burns. *leaves*
GOKU: ...But...you've got...a time machine...oh, whatever. Freak.
three years later
GOKU: Well, here we are. Where are these freaks?ANDROIDS 19 & 20: You cannot defeat us!
VEGETA: Wanna bet? *Super Saiyan mode*
SECONDARY CHARACTERS: Ooh, Uber-Pwnage.
TRUNKS: *arrives* Hey, whats up?
VEGETA: We didn't need your stupid help to defeat these androids after all, future-boy.
TRUNKS: WTF? These aren't the androids! They're cheap knockoffs, probably made out of parts of old soviet tanks.
VEGETA: You lied to us??? You think this is some sick game??? I am going to kick your ass, boy!
ACT 2, SCENE 1
TRUNKS: ...This explains why I can't remember the first six years of my life.
TRUNKS: Never mind. Let’s just go find the real androids.
GOKU: Hey, look! That idiotic #20 is leading us right to them!
17: You led them right to us, you idiot!
18: Foolish old man.
20: Is that any way to talk to your master?
18: I’m sorry, were you saying something?
GOKU: Um, hello, good guys over here, waiting to kick your ass.
17: Oh, right. Hi, I’m 17. I have a thing for ascots.
18: And I’m 18. I have a fetish for bald midgets I can kick the crap out of whenever I feel like.
KRILLIN: Yo, I’m your man.
TRUNKS: Bring it on! We've been training for three years to deal with you.
17: Did we mention that we're twice as strong as our counterparts from the other universe?
TRUNKS: Oh, fuck. Well, we can still take you on...right, guys?
TRUNKS: Man, we got pwnd!
GOKU: Well, we're screwed.
VEGETA: Nuh-uh! We'll just turn into Super-Super-Saiyans!
GOKU: We can do that?
VEGETA: Sure, why not.
TRUNKS: Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
PICCOLO: Don't worry, I’ve got an idea! *flies off*
GOKU: Huh, I wonder what his idea is?
PICCOLO: Give me your power, old man!
PICCOLO: I’ll kick your fucking ass if you don't!
KAMI: Oh, alright.
ACT 2, SCENE 2
PICCOLO: Sweet. Time to kick some tin can. *flies back* What'd I miss?
GOKU: Nothing important. My son won the Nobel Prize. Stuff like that.
PICCOLO: Chump. Hey, androids, I’m going to kill you now.
17: Ha! I’d like to see you try.
17: Oh, crap, I think he CAN win! *regains composure* ...Maybe.
GOKU: Well, looks like I’m no longer the hero of this story. I’m outie, boys. Gonna smoke a cigarette and chill.
CELL: *appears* NOT SO FAST!
GOKU: Oh, fuck, who the hell is this character?
CELL: My name is Cell, and I'm ten times as strong as the androids! *absorbs 17* And now I’m one hundred times as strong.
GOKU: Oh, I can't believe this shit.
TIEN: C'mon guys, lets defend the androids.
GOKU: Weren't we just trying to kill them?
TIEN: If Cell eats 18, we're all screwed.
GOKU: More screwed than we are now?
GOHAN: Hey, dad, remember the plot that was already prewritten so we have to follow it?
GOKU: Oh, right, the hyperbolic time chamber. Let’s go become even more ridiculously powerful than we are already.
TIEN: Go ahead without me. I can hold him off.
GOKU: ...'Kay. Good luck with that.
VEGETA: Ha-ha! I have become a Super-Super-Saiyan! You owe me ten bucks, Kakarot!
GOKU: Goddamnit. I should have figured that the writers are retarded. Someone tell me, seriously, how such a thing evolved into my species? What the hell kind of conditions did we face on planet Vegeta to warrant this sort of thing?
(insert pointless eternity long yell here)
ACT 2, SCENE 3
VEGETA: I don't know, but if our planet still existed, I’d like to take you to see one of our many Majin Buu reserves. They're an endangered species.
GOKU: ...I’m going into the time chamber now.
VEGETA: You do that. Trunks and I are going Cell-hunting. Just stay out of my way, boy.
CELL: I have finally found you, 18!
VEGETA: Not so fast! I’m gonna pwn you.
CELL: As tho--
CELL: Damn, he pwnd me! How did this happen? Hey, let me absorb 18 and become super-powerful.
VEGETA: Uh, why would I do something stupid like that?
CELL: Because you want an opponent who is in your caliber to fight.
VEGETA: Uh...no, I think I would rather not risk it.
CELL: I double-dog-dare you.
VEGETA: Sure, MacTavish, sure.
CELL: Fine! Triple-dog-dare!
VEGETA: YOU'RE ON!!!!! Eat the girl.
CELL: *absorbs 18* Ha-ha. I’m a thousand times as powerful as I was before!
VEGETA: And now you die.
VEGETA: Damn! I knew this was a bad idea.
TRUNKS: *arrives* Father, you horse's ass. Cell, I’ll kick your ass.
CELL: Oh, really?
TRUNKS: I’m a level above him! Watch this! *transforms into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan*
CELL: Yeah, you're stronger than I am.
CELL: It doesn't matter, though.
TRUNKS: Why not?
CELL: Try to move.
TRUNKS: I’m too bulky! Oh, what bull is this? Suddenly, this show cares about real-world considerations such as this? Try to be consistent, writers! This should have happened LONG before we became human WMDs! So unfair.
ACT 3, SCENE 1
CELL: You know what? I feel pity for you and your hilariously massive bulk, so I’m going to give you and your friends ten days in which to find some way to kill me. But don't say I never did anything for you.
TRUNKS: Gee, thanks.
ten days later
CELL: You're going to fight me, Goku?
GOKU: Nah, I’m going to have my son fight you.
GOHAN: That is the craziest, most retarded plan I ever heard of!
GOKU: And therefore, according to the Laws of Anime Physics, it can't possibly fail.
GOHAN: Hmm, you do have me there.
GOKU: That's right. Now go make your Daddy proud.
GOHAN: What about my Nobel Prize?
GOKU: What about it?
GOHAN: Damn it, I hate this family. Alright, Cell, I guess I’m fighting you. Somehow.
16: Gohan, turn into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan!
CELL: *destroys him* No comments from the peanut gallery.
GOHAN: You DICK! *transforms into a Super-Saiyan 2* I’m going to pwn you, and your retarded babies.
CELL: But you can't move.
GOHAN: That's Trunks you're thinking of. Unfortunately for you, I’m not a total dumbass like he is, so I transformed into Super Saiyan 2.
GOKU: Gohan, would you stop toying with him and just finish him off?
CELL: *pukes up 18* I am so screwed. Well, might as well blow up and take the planet with me.
ACT 3, SCENE 2
GOHAN: No, wait! There's plenty of reasons to live.
CELL: But you're mean to me...
GOHAN: Well, you were trying to kill everyone I care about. C'mon, Cell...
GOKU: Enough of this touchy-feely shit. *grabs Cell*
KING KAI: Why the hell did you bring him here???
GOKU: It was all I could think of.
KING KAI: Don't think of here! Take him somewhere else.
GOKU: Oh, great, now that you said "don't think of here," that's all I can think of. It's like that "don't think of the Eiffel tower" game.
KING KAI: Well, can't you at least get all of us back to Earth and out of harm's way?
GOKU: Sure, I don't see why n--
GOHAN: My dad is dead, and it's all my fault.
TRUNKS: No it's not, little buddy.
GOHAN: I could have destroyed Cell in one shot, but instead I decided to torment him.
TRUNKS: Oh, then it is your fault. But the rest of us are going to live happily ever after, right? *gets shot*
GOHAN: How can you possibly be alive???
CELL: It’s called regeneration, kid. Also, I absorbed your father's ability to Instantly Transmit. I’m stronger than ever. I can destroy an entire solar system, just by willing it.
GOHAN: Dude, at this point, that's not saying much.
CELL: How do you mean?
ACT 3, SCENE 3
GOHAN: Scroll up to where Trunks said he was fifty times as powerful as Frieza, who destroys planets in his free time, and do the arithmetic from there. 50 x 50 x 2 x 100 x 1000 = 500,000,000. Basically, you should be able to destroy something half a billion times as massive as the earth at this point, with ease. In fact, you just made yourself weaker, if one solar system is all you can destroy.
CELL: I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU FIRST!!!
GOHAN: Told ya. Let’s wish my dad back to life.
GOKU: No, you mustn't! If you do, the writers might start yet another story arc!
GOHAN: Fuck, he's right. Well, it was nice knowing you, dad.
TRUNKS: Well, here I go, off to my own future to kick android butt.
GOHAN: Hey, if it only took us three years of training to become strong enough to defeat the androids, how come you couldn't do it in your entire natural life?
TRUNKS: ...Um...that is...HEY LOOK AT THAT!!! *leaves*
GOHAN: Son of a bitch.
GOKU: Well, I'm dead, but at least the show is over.
KING KAI: Don't be too sure about that.
ANNOUNCER: After defeating Cell, everyone thought the series finally ended. It didn't, as seen in the next episode of... Dragon Ball Z!
ACT 4, SCENE 1
GOHAN: Hey Dad, guess what?! A martial arts tournament is being held here on Earth!
GOKU: Well, thanks a lot for telling me so I know I'm missing out.
KING KAI: Well, actually, Goku, I looked over your records with Fortuneteller Baba, and it appears you are allowed to go back to Earth for 1 day!
GOKU: Sweet! I think I'll kick Vegeta's ass! It's his fault I'm dead anyway.
KING KAI: How's that?
GOKU: The arrogant asshole let Cell transform!
TRUNKS: Yeah, my father's an ass.
VEGETA: Think so, boy?
GOKU: Well, I'm back on Earth already due to the lazy writers.
EVERYONE: Goku, you're back!
GOKU: In the flesh, bitches!
ACT 4, SCENE 2
ANNOUNCER: Now, let the tournament begin!
Z FIGHTERS: Yay!
SUPREME KAI: Wait, not yet! I've come here to warn you, a new enemy is ahead!
Buu flies in, kills people
BUU: Me Buu! Me 100 times stronger than Cell!
GOKU: THAT'S IT! SEND ME TO THE WRITERS WITH A FUCKING UZI!!!
- ↑ Please don't even think about laughing at this horrible, horrible pun.
- ↑ If you know who Majin Buu is, you waited too long before you quit watching the show.
- ↑ Innuendo alert!
- ↑ Go ahead. I'll wait.
Piccolo`s Dragon balls are inert, in his frustrations he often comes up with bad excuses..