ACT 1, SCENE 1EditGOKU: I am the strongest warrior on earth!
VEGETA: That's just because you're a Saiyan, you clown! We're, like, a hundred times as strong as humans, naturally.
GOKU: Okay, I can buy that.
NAPPA: LOOK, Vegeta! A POKEMON! I'm gonna catch him!
CHIAOTZU: I`m going to latch onto your back and self-destruct, and I`M NOT A POKEMON!
NAPPA: I`m still alive, dumbass! Well, that was boring, so I`m going to fight Kakarot now. Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?
VEGETA: It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND!
GOKU: Cool, really?
NAPPA: Vegeta, I asked for a power level, I didn't ask for a fucking ballpark estimate, okay?!
VEGETA: Well, 9426 doesn't quite have the same effect, now does it?! Whatever. Not being from Earth, we can wipe the floor with you, Kakarot!
GOKU: Oh, BRING IT ON!!!!!!!
GOKU: Hey, what do you know, I won. And somehow, Nappa died.
VEGETA: Screw you guys! I’m going to Namek so I can get the Dragon Balls and wish myself to be the greatest warrior in the universe!
GOKU: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m going to Namek so I can get the Dragon Balls and wish back to life all of those friends of mine you killed, so there!
FRIEZA: The Dragon Balls are as good as mine! I'm gonna live forever!
GOKU: Who the hell is that???
VEGETA: That's Frieza; he's the strongest fighter in the universe. He could kick the asses often of me with his pinky, and he pwnd our entire species.
GOKU: Okay, I can buy that.
VEGETA: Also, he can destroy planets, all on his own without technology or anything.
GOKU: That seems a little implausible, I mean he can only blow up planets, not stars right, like Jean Grey or Galactus? But whatever, I’ll bite, but man, he better be the strongest opponent I've ever faced, that Superman guy was a pushover.
VEGETA: ...Um, sure.
FRIEZA: You, monkey, come here. I feel like some cheap entertainment, so I’m going to kill you.
GOKU: Is he talking to ME? Man, how do these freaks find me?
ACT 1, SCENE 2EditFIGHT!
FRIEZA: Okay, this is getting stupid. I'm just gonna pwn your little bald friend over there.
GOKU: NO! He was gonna be the star of my midget circus! KRILLIIIIIIN!
KRILLIN: Oh relax, Goku, us Z fighters are even worse than superheroes at staying dead.
GOKU: Holy crap! I just got ridiculously powerful, and I’m suddenly blonde and green-eyed for some reason.
VEGETA: OMG! You're a Super-Saiyan?! How did you do that? I’ve been trying for my whole life! WTF is this bullshit?!
FRIEZA: Not so fast! I'm going to shrink to half my size, get naked, and convert the extra mass to huge, bulging muscles! Let's see how you like that!
GOKU: Well, let me just take my shirt off here and...
GOKU: That's all it took? *shrugs* Well, it makes about as much sense as anything else in this show. So, the tranny space planet destroyer is dead and I’m the most powerful fighter in the universe now? Sweet. I guess that that means that the show is over. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.
VEGETA: Can I come to earth, too? My planet was destroyed. I'm the prince of all Saiyans but you're, like, my only surviving subject and I need someone to bitch to.
GOKU: Well, you did kill all my friends that one time, but what the hell, you seem like a nice enough guy. They're all alive again anyway, so no harm, no foul, I suppose.
GOKU: Home sweet home.
FRIEZA: Not so fast, monkey!
GOKU: Hey, that hurts my feelings--wait a minute, didn't I kill you?
FRIEZA: I’m a cyborg now, and better than ever!
GOKU: Well, I guess I should have expected something like this to happen. I guess I ought to just be grateful my show isn't over yet, and just get on with kicking the crap out of this guy again for old times sake.
TRUNKS: That will not be necessary old timer. I’ll take care of these pests, you just take your heart disease medicine.
GOKU: Gee, thanks...but who the hell are you? And how come you're so powerful? You just kicked the crap out of Cyborg-Frieza and his papa.
TRUNKS: With ease.
GOKU: Which only makes you more implausible.
TRUNKS: Oh, yeah, I’m, like, fifty times as strong as that loser.
ACT 1, SCENE 3Edit
GOKU: Really? You're fifty times as strong as the guy who DESTROYS PLANETS with a wave of his pinky? This is getting REALLY ridiculous.
TRUNKS: That's not all, though. I’m from the future.
GOKU: ...Of course, you are. Well, that makes enough sense I guess, I just got back from space after all after winning the afterlife and my gym is in another dimension where time is slower, so why not?
TRUNKS: I actually came back to warn you about some evil robots that take over my future. You know, like Terminator.
GOKU: ...Rreeeaaallly??? Something you can't deal with???
TRUNKS: Oh, yeah. They're, like, fifty times as powerful as I am.
GOKU: Goddamnit, what the hell is wrong with this show?! Welp, we're all boned.
TRUNKS: Nuh-uh! Just train really, really hard.
GOKU: And that's supposed to work??? Well, will you at least stay with us and train us?
TRUNKS: Nope. I just remembered that I left some instant ramen on the stove in my time, and I’ve got to get back before it burns. *leaves*
GOKU: ...But...you've got...a time machine...oh, whatever. Ass.
three years later
GOKU: Well, here we are. Where are these freaks?ANDROIDS 19 & 20: You cannot defeat us!
VEGETA: Wanna bet? *Super Saiyan mode*
SECONDARY CHARACTERS: Ooh, Uber-Pwnage.
TRUNKS: *arrives* Hey, whats up?
VEGETA: We didn't need your stupid help to defeat these androids, after all, future-boy.
TRUNKS: WTF? These aren't the androids! They're cheap knockoffs, probably made in communist China.
VEGETA: You lied to us??? You think this is some sick game??? I am going to kick your ass, boy!
ACT 2, SCENE 1Edit
TRUNKS: ...This explains why I can't remember the first six years of my life.
TRUNKS: Never mind. Let’s just go find the real androids.
GOKU: Hey, look! That idiotic #20 is leading us right to them!
17: You led them right to us, you idiot!
18: Foolish old man.
20: Is that any way to talk to your master?
18: I’m sorry, were you saying something?
GOKU: Um, hello, good guys over here, waiting to kick your ass.
17: Oh, right. Hi, I’m 17. I have a thing for ascots.
18: And I’m 18. I have a fetish for bald midgets I can kick the crap out of whenever I feel like.
KRILLIN: Yo, I’m your man.
TRUNKS: Bring it on! We've been training for three years to deal with you.
17: Did we mention that we're twice as strong as our counterparts from the other universe?
TRUNKS: Oh, fuck. Well, we can still take you on...right, guys?
TRUNKS: Man, we got pwnd!
GOKU: Well, shit, I guess that's it then, the bad guys won.
VEGETA: Nuh-uh! We'll just turn into Super-Super-Saiyans!
GOKU: We can do that?
VEGETA: Sure, why not.
TRUNKS: Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
GOKU: I only really know how to count to ten cause that's how many fingers my fists have. Are 17 and 18 more than 10, or are those letters like that thing at the end of sentences?
PICCOLO: Hold on, I’ve got an idea! *flies off*
GOKU: Huh, I wonder what his idea is?
PICCOLO: Give me your power, old man!
PICCOLO: I’ll kick your fucking ass if you don't!
KAMI: Oh, alright.
ACT 2, SCENE 2Edit
PICCOLO: Sweet. Time to kick some tin can. *flies back* What'd I miss?
GOKU: Nothing important. My son won the Nobel Prize for writing a book that taught everyone how to fly. Stuff like that.
PICCOLO: Chump. Hey, androids, I’m going to kill you now.
17: Ha! I’d like to see you try.
17: Oh, crap, I think he CAN win! *regains composure* ...Maybe.
GOKU: Well, looks like I’m no longer the hero of this story. I’m outie, boys. I'm gonna go home, hit the bong and just chill.
CELL: *appears* NOT SO FAST!
GOKU: Oh, fuck, who the hell is this character?
CELL: My name is Cell, and I'm ten times as strong as the androids! *absorbs 17* And now I’m one hundred times as strong.
GOKU: Oh, I can't believe this shit.
TIEN: C'mon guys, let's defend the androids.
GOKU: Weren't we just trying to kill them?
TIEN: If Cell eats 18, we're all screwed.
GOKU: More screwed than we are now?
GOHAN: Don't worry, dad, we just need another training montage. Remember that inter-dimensional gym at God's house?
GOKU: Oh, right, the hyperbolic time chamber. Let’s go become even more ridiculously powerful than we are already.
TIEN: Go ahead without me. I haven't been used since Dragon Ball, I can hold him off.
GOKU: ...'Kay. Good luck with that.
VEGETA: Ha-ha! I have become a Super-Super-Saiyan! You owe me twenty bucks, Kakarot!
GOKU: Goddamnit. What the hell kind of conditions did we face on planet Vegeta to warrant this sort of bullcrap? Are you sure Vegeta is a planet and not a star or something?
(insert pointless eternity long yell here)
ACT 2, SCENE 3Edit
VEGETA: I'm not a Mormon or a moron like you, I can tell the difference between a planet and a star. I don't know, it was probably super powerful dinosaurs or something, but if our planet still existed, I’d like to bury you there, deep underground after I kill you with my bare hands.
GOKU: ...I’m going into the time chamber now.
VEGETA: You do that peasant. Trunks and I are going Cell-hunting. Just stay out of my way, boy.
CELL: I have finally found you, 18!
VEGETA: Not so fast! I’m gonna pwn you.
CELL: As tho--
CELL: Damn, he pwnd me! How did this happen? Hey, let me absorb 18 and become super-powerful.
VEGETA: Uh, why would I do something stupid like that?
CELL: Because you want an opponent who is of your caliber to fight.
VEGETA: Uh...no, I think I would rather not risk it.
CELL: I double-dog-dare you. Pussy.
VEGETA: Sure, MacTavish, sure.
CELL: Fine! Triple-dog-dare! Bac, bac, bacaw!
VEGETA: YOU'RE ON!!!!! Eat the girl.
CELL: *absorbs 18* Ha-ha. I’m a thousand times as powerful as I was before!
VEGETA: And now I send you straight to robot hell!.
VEGETA: Damn! I knew this was a bad idea, what the hell made me go through with this?
TRUNKS: *arrives* Father, you horse's ass! Alright, Cell, I’ll kick your ass for this.
CELL: Oh, really?
TRUNKS: I’m a level above him! Watch this! *transforms into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan*
CELL: Yeah, you're stronger than I am.
CELL: It doesn't matter, though.
TRUNKS: Why not?
CELL: Try to scratch your own back, roid rage.
TRUNKS: I’m too bulky! Oh, what bull is this? Suddenly, this show cares about real-world considerations such as this? Try to be consistent, writers! This should have happened LONG before we became human WMDs! So unfair.
ACT 3, SCENE 1Edit
CELL: You know what? I feel pity for you and your hilariously massive bulk, so I’m going to give you and your friends ten days in which to find some way to kill me. Don't say I never did anything for you.
TRUNKS: Gee, thanks.
ten days later
CELL: You're going to fight me, Goku?
GOKU: Nah, I’m going to have my son fight you.
GOHAN: But dad, you never taught me how to do the Spirit Bomb, what the hell?
GOKU: You don't need that silly technique, it's cheating. Besides you can still fire giant ki beams the size of a house anyways if you wanted.
GOHAN: Hmm, you do have me there.
GOKU: That's right. Now go make your Daddy proud.
GOHAN: What about my Nobel Prize?
GOKU: What about it?
GOHAN: Damn it, I hate this family. Alright, Cell, I guess I’m fighting you. Somehow.
16: Gohan, turn into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan!
CELL: *destroys him* No comments from the peanut gallery.
GOHAN: You DICK! *transforms into a Super-Saiyan 2* I’m going to pwn you, and your retarded midget babies!
CELL: But you can't move.
GOHAN: That's Trunks you're thinking of. Unfortunately for you, I’m not a total dumbass like he is and stayed away from steroids, so I transformed into Super Saiyan 2.
GOKU: Gohan, would you stop toying with him and just finish him off already?
CELL: *pukes up 18* I am so screwed. Well, might as well blow up and take the planet with me.
ACT 3, SCENE 2Edit
GOHAN: No, wait! There's plenty of reasons to live.
CELL: But you're mean to me...
GOHAN: Well, you were trying to kill everyone I care about. C'mon, Cell...
GOKU: Enough of this touchy-feely shit. *grabs Cell*
KING KAI: Why the hell did you bring him here???
GOKU: It was all I could think of, besides this is heaven, I thought you were already dead like everyone else!
KING KAI: Are you blind, all dead people have halos! Don't just dump your garbage here! Don't think of taking him here!
GOKU: Oh, great, now that you said "don't think of here," that's all I can think of! It's like "The Eiffel Tower Game"!
KING KAI: Well, can't you at least dump him in the sun or something?
GOKU: Sure, I don't see why n--
GOHAN: My dad is dead, and it's all my fault.
TRUNKS: No it's not, little buddy.
GOHAN: I could have destroyed Cell in one shot, but instead I decided to torment him and imagine he was my mom making me do homework.
TRUNKS: Oh, then it is kind of your fault. But the rest of us are going to live happily ever after, right? *gets shot*
CELL: I bust a cap in your ass!
GOHAN: How can you possibly be alive???
CELL: It’s called regeneration, kid, did you forget I'm part Piccolo? Also, I absorbed your father's ability to Instantly Transmit. Now I’m even stronger than ever. I can destroy an entire solar system, just by willing it!
GOHAN: Dude, at this point, that's not saying much, black holes are the new measure of awesome.
CELL: How do you mean?
ACT 3, SCENE 3Edit
GOHAN: Scroll up to where Trunks said he was fifty times as powerful as Frieza, who destroys planets in his free time, and do the arithmetic from there. 50 x 50 x 2 x 100 x 1000 = 500,000,000. Basically, you should be able to destroy something half a billion times as massive as the earth at this point, with ease. In fact, you just made yourself weaker, if one solar system is all you can destroy.
CELL: I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU FIRST!!!
GOHAN: Told ya. Let’s wish my dad back to life.
GOKU: No, you mustn't! If you do, the writers might start yet another story arc! This madness has to end!
GOHAN: Fuck, he's right. Well, it was nice knowing you, dad.
TRUNKS: Well, here I go, off to my own future to kick android butt.
GOHAN: Hey, if it only took us three years of training to become strong enough to defeat the androids, how come you couldn't do it in your entire life?
TRUNKS: ...Um...that is...HEY LOOK AT THAT!!! *leaves*
GOHAN: Son of a bitch.
GOKU: Well, I'm dead, but at least the show is over.
KING KAI: Don't be too sure about that.
GOKU: What? Is this hell?
ANNOUNCER: After defeating Cell, everyone thought the series finally ended. It didn't, as seen in the next episode of... Dragon Ball Z!
ACT 4, SCENE 1Edit
GOHAN: Hey Dad, guess what?! A martial arts tournament is being held here on Earth!
GOKU: Well, thanks a lot for telling me so I know I'm missing out.
KING KAI: Well, actually, Goku, I looked over your records with Fortuneteller Baba, and it appears you are allowed to go back to Earth for 1 day!
GOKU: Sweet! I think I'll kick Vegeta's ass! It's his fault I'm dead anyway.
KING KAI: How's that?
GOKU: The arrogant asshole let Cell transform!
TRUNKS: Yeah, my father's an ass.
VEGETA: Think so, boy?
GOKU: Well, I'm back on Earth already due to the lazy writers.
EVERYONE: Goku, you're back!
GOKU: In the flesh, bitches!
ACT 4, SCENE 2Edit
ANNOUNCER: Now, let the tournament begin!
Z FIGHTERS: Yay!
SUPREME KAI: Wait, not yet! Hello, I'm King Kai's boss from corporate. I've come here to warn you, a new enemy is ahead!
GOHAN: Oh, no. Seriously?
Buu flies in, kills people
BUU: Me Buu! Me 100 times stronger than Cell! I just killed another Saiyan. Buu turn you into cigarettes and beer! Whee!!!
GOKU: Fuck this shit, I'm done. *flies off to go blow up the writers*