UnScripts:Cause Fuck Specifics That's Why!
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"That scene with the skipping clapping fellow made me ruin my pants..."
- ~ Oscar Wilde
"Mmmmmmmmm roast beef."
- ~ Michael Moore
edit Cause Fuck Specifics That’s Why!
Released in 2014 "Cause Fuck Specifics That’s Why!" is a nonspecific movie about a nonspecific character who must redeem him or herself by stopping a nonspecific villain from going ape shit and stealing everyone’s water through giant Slurpee straws. There’s also a monkey and a heroine addicted mime.
Nonspecific Protagonist - Who gives a fuck?
Nonspecific Love Interest - Who gives a fuck?
Nonspecific Villain – Who gives a fuck?
Monkey – Elijah Wood
Anderson (The heroine addicted mime) – David Crosby
edit Act I – A Nonspecific Bar, Old Woman Syphilis, and Ray Charles Premonition
- (The camera pans in on a nonspecific looking bar. Then the camera pans out. Then back in. Back out one more time. Then back in. Just as were about to pan inside the bar Thom Yorke pans back out (ol’ Yorke got ya again!). The establishing shot dissolves and we are suddenly inside the bar because, well panning shots are usually boring (Yorke aint no Kubrick).
- We see our Nonspecific Protagonist at the bar. He has a stiff drink in his hand. It is whiskey, or maybe vodka. Or milk. That’s when our Nonspecific Love Interest walks in. She’s sexy, but not as sexy as say, Philip Seymour Hoffman (RIP). She sits down next to our Nonspecific Protagonist.)
Nonspecific Love Interest - (A very long pause and then to the bartender) A DRINK!! FETCH ME A DRINK YOU EMBECILE!!!
- (The bartender gets her a drink.)
Nonspecific Love Interest - (To NP) So, you’re the Nonspecific Protagonist of this movie?
Nonspecific Protagonist - (shifts uncomfortably at this blatant shattering of the fourth wall) Um, yes I suppose I am.
Nonspecific Love Interest - Are you the same Nonspecific Protagonist who did that nonspecific deed that saved millions of people, but resulted in the worst case of syphilis that a 97 year-old woman seen in the last thousand years?
Nonspecific Protagonist - (looks into his whiskey/vodka/milk) Yeah….but….that was a long time ago. (pause) Like, at least 50 minutes ago.
Thom Yorke - Cut! Gorgeous! Print!!
Nonspecific Protagonist - Wait, what?
- (Thom Yorke runs into camera skipping and clapping in a fashion that would make Oscar Wilde ruin his pants.)
Thom Yorke - Great scene gang! On to the next set.
Nonspecific Love Interest - But there were several more pages of dialogue. Were missing several minutes of emotional build up and plot development?
Thom Yorke - Bitch….you will speak when spoken to.
Nonspecific Love Interest - Excuse m-
- (Thom Yorke backhands her. Efficiently putting her in her place.)
Thom Yorke - Alright, now that were done being silly lets move onto the Betrayal Scene!
- (The cast and crew want to protest, but fearing the ferocity of Yorke’s pimp slap they simply go about there business setting up for Act II the Betrayal Scene!)
edit Act II – The Betrayal Scene, A Primate By Any Other Name, And The Mime To Be
- (We find ourselves on the deck of a large German looking zeppelin. Nonspecific Love Interest, Monkey, and Anderson the heroine addicted mime, have just learned of Nonspecific Protagonist Betrayal.)
Nonspecific Love Interest - I can’t believe you betrayed us like this! After all we’ve been through!!
Monkey - (makes monkey noises)
Nonspecific Love Interest - I mean, we figure out that the Nonspecific Villain has millions of Slurpee straws and then you just….betray us!
Anderson - Hey..(scratches arm)..anyone got any heroine?
Monkey - (more angry monkey noises)
Nonspecific Protagonist - It’s not what it looks like. It was for the good of the mission!
Anderson - Seriously, I’m fucking bone to the phone craving over here.
Nonspecific Love Interest - And you said you loved me…
- (Nonspecific Protagonist moves to comfort her)
Nonspecific Protagonist - Baby, please you’ve got to understa-Nonspecific Love Interest - I’M PREGNANT!!
Monkey - (Monkey has pooped on the zeppelin and is now eating his feces)
Anderson - But for serious, have you ever wondered why no one uses telegraphs anymore? The government was way into that shit and since they wanted to monitor everyone brain waves they invented cell phones. And then killed people who made telegraphs. Go on YouTube, its fucking there man.
Nonspecific Protagonist - Maybe I should go then.
Nonspecific Love Interest - Maybe you should!
edit Act III – Slurpee’s Explode And A Monkey Eats 44 Cans Of Roast Beef
- (Due to certain budget cuts and Thom Yorke dipping into Anderson’s heroine supply we skip straight to the climatic scene of the movie. We are on a large battleship that looks like a cross between the Titanic and that cool jet base/aircraft carrier from the Avengers.
- There is a showdown between Nonspecific Love Interest, Monkey, Anderson vs Nonspecific Protagonist vs Nonspecific Villain.)
Nonspecific Love Interest - Are you here to stop us or join us?!
Nonspecific Protagonist - Nonspecific Love Interest, I love you. I love you in the way that only a nonspecific protagonist could love a nonspecific love interest.
Nonspecific Love Interest - (her eyes full of tears) Just answer the question damn you.
- (A long dramatic pause. And then, another long dramatic pause. Then we pan out and back in one more time before settling back on our hero’s.)
Nonspecific Protagonist - Neither
- (He turns and shoots Nonspecific Villain in the stomach.)
Nonspecific Villain - Ah man (looks at bullet wound) Well, fuck!
- (Nonspecific Villain has died. The world is saved.
- Nonspecific Love Interest runs into the arms of Nonspecific Protagonist. Anderson is mumbling about telegraphs to himself while Monkey has found a large quantity of canned roast beef to be eaten.)
Nonspecific Love Interest - Why’d you say ‘neither’ and then shoot him?
Nonspecific Protagonist - Because it builds drama and that’s what was written in the script.
Nonspecific Love Interest - (finally realizes how awkward breaking the fourth wall is) Oh, I see.
Thom Yorke - HOLY SHIT THIS STUFFS AMAZING!!!
- (Thom Yorke runs into camera with a rubber house wrapped around his arm and an empty heroine needle. Monkey has finished his canned roast beef.)
Thom Yorke - I SWEAR THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!! I LOVE HEROINE!! KABLAAAAHHHHH!!!!
- The End
edit Reception & Awards
The movie met indifferent reception and won an indifferent amount of awards, including a few Oscars and a BMA. One critic remarked, “It was an okay movie, with an okay script, okay acting, and okay direction. But what was with the Monkey eating roast beef?”
Thom Yorke was also arrested soon after the release of this film for heroine possession. He has reportedly converted to Islam in prison.