UnMovie Review: Halloween II (2009)

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Uncyclopedia UnMovie Review: We go to the movies so that you don't have to.
H2 Unrated Blu Ray
H2 review1
"Better than I expected... and I didn't expect much."

edit Jim "Dad" Dale's verdict

Jim Dale here. No, not the narrator from Pushing Daisies and Harry Potter. I'm a 40-year-old man who still lives with his parents, even though I'm happily married with a 14-year-old son. My folks and I had been avoiding this film like the plague for a number of reasons. We didn't get to see it in the theaters because it didn't make enough money and never made it to our dollar theater. It got so bad that Sony had to co-distribute the DVD and Blu-ray.

Almost a year after it bombed in theaters, we finally decided to put aside our reservations and greet the film with ajar (but not open) arms. We rented the Blu-ray (which contains Rob Zombie's Unrated Director's Cut, but not the theatrical cut) for about $3 bucks. I lowered my expectations greatly, and was mostly won over by the results.

Let's start with what I didn't like -- the way Zombie altered Michael Myers. As a child, he is no longer portrayed by Daeg Faerch, due to his "increased height." Instead, his massive shoes are filled with shit by a bland, generic cereal-commercial-looking kid named Chase Wright Vanek, who bears a striking resemblance to Hanson's ugly stepsister. I liked Daeg waaaay better than this hack. I don't see why Rob couldn't just film Daeg in front of a green screen and make him short in post-production; any competent director could have done it. Zombie also mentioned that Daeg's voice had gotten deeper, as well, making it impossible in his eyes to use the young actor. Bullshit. Daeg would/could/should have worked in this film. Period.

As for the big guy himself, adult Michael Myers is hooded, half-masked, grunts, and (in the DC ending) unmasks himself and says "Die!" These are all cardinal sins in the Halloween universe. Michael Myers, as an adult, should always be a silent killer with a William Shatner mask and coveralls. Here, he looks like the Geico Caveman. Ironically, the actual Geico Caveman -- Jeffrey Daniel Phillips -- is in this as a character named Howard. He also fills the role of Uncle Seymour Coffins that was originally to be played by Zombie regular Bill Moseley, who dropped out due to scheduling conflicts only a few days after the Daeg news broke. The changes made to Michael Myers -- adult and child -- were completely unnecessary. Moustapha Akkad and Donald Pleasence are rolling in their graves.

And where the fuck was the Halloween Theme? At the end of the fucking movie. The fucking credits! The hell's up with that? I bet John Carpenter is wagging his finger at that decision as we speak. Oh well, it's a rather minor pissoff.

I thought overall, the film was good. I loved the cinematography. The picture quality was top notch; I hear a bunch of fanboys bitching about the 16mm grain, but I thought it was very subtle and added a certain warmth to the film. Sound quality was top notch in DTS-HD. But I bet it was deafening to the few people who actually paid to see it in theaters. But probably no louder than the 2007-2008 Van Halen concerts with David Lee Roth. Now that was dangerously loud -- gave me tinnitus!

The acting was actually pretty good, better than I predicted. I wouldn't call it Oscar-worthy by any means, but it's a step or so above the standard slasher. Vanek can't act worth shit. Sherri was better than I expected. Scout-Taylor Compton was good. Danielle Harris was a treat. Malcolm McDowell's version of Dr. Loomis as an arrogant dick turned out better than I had hoped; certainly not Donald Pleasence by any means, but still good.

I give it a solid 6.5/10.

edit Laura "Mom" Dale's verdict

(No picture available)

What is this crap? Why is Jason wearing a Michael Myers mask? And who's the girl replacing Daeg?

I give it a 0/10.

H2 review2
"Where's Jason's hockey mask?"

edit Grandpa Dale's verdict

What the hell are Stevie Nicks and Mr. Ed doing in this movie? What's with that girl in the clown costume? Back in my day, men didn't grow their hair long. Wait, they did, but they were a bunch of hippie kids. He looked like one of those Brady kids on acid. The other kid -- I think Jimmy Boy said his name was Doug Fork -- was better. Why were Jason -- I'm sorry, Michael Myers -- and the one girl -- Gloria I think? No, Laurie -- the only ones who could see them? Why is the same girl from the older films in this one? I thought she got killed off in Part 6. Oh, what was her name... Jamie! Danielle Ferris? Oh, Harris. The only character I really liked in this horsecrap was the guy who wrote the book (Played by Malcolm McDowell). I liked him because he was an arrogant dick and, therefore, I could relate to him. I got so pissed off when they killed him off. Whoever wrote this garbage should have let him live and kill that bearded Jason guy who tried to kill him at the end.

I don't know why you kids enjoy these movies. Just a bunch of horny teenagers fucking each other and getting butchered by knife-wielding maniacs. My God, I get enough of that on the news! And HBO. These Jasons, and Michael Myers, Rubberfaces, and Victor Crowleys are giving OJ and Manson a run for their money.

Why would society wanna see a film like this? All it is now is slashers, superheroes, car chases, and explosions that break my hearing aid if I don't turn it off. And those godawful romantic comedies with J Lo.

Bah, I've seen better. I give it a 2/10... and that's only because the white-haired guy was in A Clockwork Orange. Now, there's a real movie.

Halloween the 13th on Elm Street II was nothing but garbage and... I don't feel so -- AAGH!

Dedicated to the memory of Grandpa Dale
1929 - 2010
Betty White kickass
"Donald Pleasence looks different and swears too much."

edit Grandma Dale's verdict

Wow. Halloween II sure has changed since I saw it in 1981. When I saw it in theaters, Michael Myers (Dick Warlock) was chasing Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) through the hospital while Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) continued his hunt. Now that this beloved film is now available on Blu-ray, everything has changed.

I can't believe how different Donald Pleasence looks this time around. Now, he has hair, a beard, and shades. He even looks younger; must have gotten plastic sugery between this and the original Halloween. Jamie Lee looks a bit different this time around. And for some reason, Annie (Nancy Loomis) is still alive, despite being killed in the car in the original. Funny, I distinctly remember a scene in this film, where Sherrif Brackett (Charles Cyphers) discovers Annie's body and blames Loomis; that scene is strangely absent on the Blu-ray.

In fact, a lot of the scenes I remember are absent on this disc. Most of the entire movie has changed, or my memory is failing. Where's Mrs. Alves (Gloria Gifford)? Where's Pamela Susan Shoop? Why does Dick Warlock have long hair and a beard? Why do the characters swear so much? Most of the scenes have been replaced by Stevie Nicks and her daughter. I think it's from the "Edge of Seventeen" music video. And the little girl Danielle Harris from Halloween 4 and Halloween 5 is in this.

Jim, honey, are you sure this is the right movie? This is not the Halloween II I remember. Wait, Jim's telling me that this is a different Halloween II. I'm confused, how can there be two Halloween II's? That makes no sense at all. Shouldn't this be Halloween 9, 10, or 15 by now? I'm totally lost.

What I saw in '81: 9/10
This confusing mess: 6.5/10

H2 review3
"Too much for my attention span."

edit Marty Dale's verdict

Uhhhh... Hi, I guess. My dad rented this movie, Rob Zombie's Halloween II. I played my iPod most of the time and checked my emails, so I don't remember a whole lot about this film.

I loved the 2007 remake and was fucking pissed that the kid was replaced. I can't remember his name, but he's one hell of an actor. The new kid fucking sucks dick. I think his name is Chase something... Chevy Chase? No, wait, that's the bald guy from the Vacation movies. Anyway, he looked like a girl. Returning from that film are Rob Zombie's wife, Mr. Linderman from Heroes, Laurie, and that hot chick who played Annie, who was also Jamie in the other movies. And of course, Michael Myers.

This film immediately follows the previous one, I think. Laurie (Scout something, I think), Annie (Jamie from the old movies), and Dr. Loomis (that white-haired guy who killed Captain Kirk in Star Trek: Generations) are rushed to some hospital or something, ER. Meanwhile, Michael Myers is all chasing Laurie and stuff, but they don't use the Halloween theme. You know, the part that goes "Duh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh..." yeah, that one.

Michael Myers seemed a little more like Jason in this movie. He even makes the original 1978 Michael (the guy who directed Major Payne and Dennis the Menace) seem like a pussy, and I'm pretty fucking pissed about that. John something's original Halloween still stands as my favorite of them all. It doesn't have any blood and guts and stuff, you know?

They had that bald guy as Dr. Loomis in the old movies, but the white-haired guy plays him as an arrogant jerk-off. He sells out and writes a book and stuff about Michael. There was this one scene where he's giving some kind of speech and stuff, but I fell asleep halfway through it.

I woke up and saw another Loomis scene with that guy who does those goofy songs. For some reason, that was one of the best scenes in the whole movie! They made a joke about Mike Myers. That dude is hilarious. Did you ever see The Love Guru? Greatest movie ever made, dude!

I thought the white horse was, like, totally messed up and stuff. Michael's mom (Rob Zombie's wife) looked like the singer from Fleetwood Mac. They changed Michael Myers too much. Young Michael in this one just plains sucks; Doug whatever-his-name-is was better. Michael as a grown-up loses his mask for most of the movie and stuff. He wears a hoodie and has a beard. Dude, I fucking thought he was Zakk Wylde or Rob Zombie!

The ending was fucking epic, dude. Michael takes off his mask completely and, like, tells Loomis to "Die" before Sheriff Brackett (played by Chucky) and his men kill Myers once and for all. Then Laurie is all "I gotta grab the knife and kill Loomis." Dude, that so totally rips off the one Halloween where Jamie wears the clown costume and kills her foster mother.

Maybe it's my ADD, but this is the most confusing Halloween I have seen since the one with the cult and all the crazy stuff. I give it a 4/10.

edit Screen shots

Pic loomis small
Loomis in the 2007 remake.
Hobo Myers final
Michael Myers tells Loomis to die.
Chase Wrong Vanek
Daeg replacement Chase Vanek.
Weird-al-loomis1
Weird Al and Loomis.
Michael Myers 2007
Michael Myers masked.
Daeg Faerch H2
unused Daeg Faerch footage.
Myers
Michael returns to Haddonfield yet again.
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