Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions.
- A well-aged vintage ham (between 2005 and 2007).
- A freshly opened Fantastik cleaner bottle.
- One hundred (100) grams of Uranium-235.
- Two (2) grams of LSD.
- Two (2) pints of Castrol motor oil.
- Four (4) whole grinded poisonous frogs.
- ↑ Maybe you'll have to kill it once again.
- ↑ Available at any good nuclear plant.
- ↑ Alternatively, you can use magic mushrooms for convenience if your pusher just ran dry.
- ↑ Often overlooked joint lubricant.
- Grinding the frogs: This is a crucial step. Venomous frogs are preferred in order to get the utmost taste enjoyment. Preferably, some wild Killer Froggies are advisable. Just put them in the grinder while they are still alive and screaming for mercy! That should give you a nice slush.
- Pour the whole Fantastik bottle, the motor oil and the newly created frog mixture in a plutonium cauldron. Easy there to avoid an explosion. Heat the stove to 7 or 8 until the mixture is boiling.
- Take the ham and plunge it in the bubbling water along with the hallucinogens. Mix the whole composite thoroughly, so that the liquid surrounding the ham is well homogenized.
- Now here comes the tricky part! Before proceeding any further, make sure you have that anti-radiation suit on! Now, get that uranium bar out of its lead shell with a big pair of pliers and put it in the plutonium cauldron. Quickly before the pliers melt completely! Still alive? Good! We're almost there!
- Now leave the meat to cook for approximately 45 minutes on medium fire. Anything higher could wipe everything off the map within a 10-mile radius!
- Let it all cool down for 25 minutes and get that ham out of there. Take what's left of the Uranium bar and tie it to your neighbour's rear bumper. You can now take off your protective gear!
- ↑ That's a lot to remember!
- ↑ Or your house is reduced to a pile of smoldering ashes.
- ↑ Watch out for the maggots! They'll want to leave by now, you'll have to coerce them to into staying there.
- ↑ The fumes ought to be awesome at this point! Make sure the children are
at a safe distancenear!
- ↑ There is NO WAY you'll survive without it.
- ↑ Trial and error has confirmed this.
Note that the maggots have either left the ham or have passed away within it, giving it that much sought-after crunch! You'll want to keep the
parasite-infested delicacy-filled parts to yourself as a reward for working so hard to make the recipe come to fruition and so shamelessly defying death. Note the wonderful aroma the venomous froggies and the Fantastik have produced! Now invite the whole family to join at the dinner table for a culinary experience they will never forget. I admit at first watching your children talk about that yellow thingie with 6 foot antennas in the room's corner or seeing your wife's battle with the alien Babebibeblo O'Dildo (that's what she'll call him) may be somewhat quaint, but take it as entertainment and good fun! After all, the worse is yet to come when their skin will peel off, their eyes revulse and every single internal organ in their bodies melt, resulting in a long and agonizing demise. Join us next week (assuming you were smart enough not to eat any of that crap, in which case there's no way you'll be joining us) for another healthy-eating recipe!
From your host, Martha Stewart, so long!