UnRadio:Tricia Bellerose on Pirate FM

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October 14th 2010

edit 9AM - 10AM -- Good Morning Scotland!!!

"Good morning Scotland! You’re listening to me, Tricia Bellerose on Pirate FM because The Ant Masters don’t like us talking. I’ll be here with you from nine AM to twelve on this foggy, rainy, and slightly less irradiated than yesterday, day – things are looking up! And although I have nothing to say I am going to talk right over the introduction to this song – you’ll never know" the artist's name!

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

Scotlandradiation

If we had a website that is where you could go to check today’s forecast!

"Aye, it is good to hear music from the old days, which brings us nicely - and in no way scripted - to my question of the day: 'What do you miss most from before The Ant Masters invaded our beautiful country?' Please Phone in on 01847 ANTZ WATCH OUT – that’s ants with a Z because the only point of cultural reference we have here in the vault is archives of MTV and yes, that is because I iz black! And if you’ve managed to hide your mobile in your rectal cavity for the past six months, please feel free to text us on 0186969 because strange sexual positions break all the laws of breeding and are funny! Yeah homies, give me some metaphorical skin. And I'm talking over the introduction again – it's nostalgic."

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"And as the old saying goes we have a caller on line one – but down here in the vault we only have one line. So caller, what’s your name and what do you miss most from before The Ant Masters invaded our beautiful country?"

[Caller 1] “All right Trish, my name's Darren and I’d just like to start by saying how much I love your show, you really sock it to those Anty cunts. Er, not cunts! Obviously you can’t swear on the radio, I’m sorry.”

"That’s no problem Darren. Pirate FM is all about breaking taboos and socking it too those Anty cunts. Just last week I had a mostly needless threesome and posted the tapes to the Ant Headquarters – fuck you Queenie my ass ain't for your raping!"

[Caller 1] “Oh that’s a relief. The Ant Masters make you swim through their shit if you say 'cunt'.” [Clicking and scratching can be heard in the background] “Oh no! No! Please, Ant Master – I only just got clean – make him do it! He’s younger!”

[Background] “Dad!”

[Caller 1] “Argh argh noooooooo!”

[The phone is cut off.]

"Darren? Darren? Sorry folks, we seem to have lost Darren. If you can spare the water, help him get a wash!"

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

***

edit 10AM -11AM -- Talk Hard Talk Show!!!

Ant cartoon

This is what our Ant Masters would look like if someone were to make a joke about their love of tea.

"And now, we're at the top of the hour. You’re still here with me, Tricia Bellerose on Pirate FM broadcasting all over District 7 from our secret vault of undetermined location. Coming up, we have our Talk Hard Talk Show with guests etymologist Hermin Garhose; Sports commentator, Gary Mcson and person of note 14853 – he’s still trying to remember his name! And you’ve just missed the introduction to the next song – the artist is being so rude she’s even singing over me now!"

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"Like I said not three minutes ago we’re just about to go into our talk show Talk Hard Talk Show and talk about the important issues with guests etymologist Hermin Garhose; Sports commentator, Gary Mcson and person of note 14853 – he’s still trying to remember his name!"

[Tricia plays the Talk Hard Talk Show theme song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"You're now listening to me, Tricia Bellerose on Talk Hard Talk Show with my guests etymologist Hermin Garhose; Sports commentator, Gary Mcson and person of note 14853 – he’s still trying to remember his name! Today's issue: 'If we were to attempt to overthrow our Ant Masters, what would be the best way to kill them?' Let's turn first to Hermin. Hermin, I understand you used to study insects for a living. You’ve probably cut up a few in your time, would you like to share some of the best techniques with our listeners?"

[Hermin] Ach Liebster, erscheint dort, ein schreckliches Missverständnis zu sein. Ich bin ein Etymologe, studiere ich die Wurzeln der Wörter, Deutsch Wörter.

[14853] AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

"Oh terribly sorry for that listeners! 14853 appears to be having another flashback! It’ll be OK, 14853. They can’t get you here. Calm down baby, calm down."

[14853] AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

"So anyway, Hermin. You say the best way to kill our Ant Masters is to use chainsaws? That really is a pity. They confiscated all our weapons after we started with the nuclear bombs. Is there any way our listeners could fashion their eating sticks into weapons?"

[Hermin] Sie sprechen nicht Deutsch macht Sie?

"Absolutely not, you say? That’s probably for the best, they said they’d kill the children if we tried to revolt. We were only talking hypothetically."

[14853] AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Oh no, 14853 is having a full on day-terror, somebody get the gag! There, there 14853, we’ll find your beatchez soon.

[Gary] Hey, do I not get a-- ?

"No. And that’s about all we have time for on Talk Hard Talk Show today. Join us later for more callers answering the question of the day and my guests will be returning to answer some of our Super Fun Quiz questions in the Super Fun Quiz and there will be a complete lack of introduction to all of your favourite pre-apocalypse songs."

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

***

edit 11AM -12AM -- Super Fun Quiz!!!

"That was a beautiful song, dedicated to all those people we lost the day our Ant Masters took over and banned River City. I wonder who sang it? If anybody knows please call in. Talking of call-ins, please remember our question of the day: what do you miss most from before The Ant Masters invaded our beautiful country? I have nothing to say now but I refuse to let you know that this song was written by [static interference] and is called [more static interference]."

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"Sorry about the interference during that last song! One of our recording assistants didn’t turn off his iPhone – yeah Paul we all know you’ve got one, no need to rub it in. If anyone would like to report him to the authorities he lives at [static interference] as we all do here in The Vault. It’s a shame we haven’t heard anything from our listeners. It’s probably him and his fucking fancy iPhone fucking things up! [A slap can be heard] Call me that again and I’ll bust a cap in your ass! Regardless the show must go on and so I’m bringing back my guests German-speaking etymologist Hermin Garhose; Sports commentator, Gary Mcson and person of note 14853 although we’ve had to restrain him because he gets violent when the terrors pass. We'll be back right after this song has finished playing!"

[Tricia plays a song. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"O,k you’re back just in time for our Super Fun Quiz, the rules are simple. I ask a question and they buzz in and answer it!"

[Tricia plays The Super Fun Quiz theme tune. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

Ok, let's sort out the buzzer noises. Hermin if you’d like to push the red button."

[A few notes of a German version of “Barbie Girl” by Aqua]

"Great. 14853, if you’d just like to head-butt your buzzer, check that it works."

[The clicking and spitting of the Ant Masters] [The buzzer keeps going off, spliced with muffled screams of terror]

"Somebody stop him! He’ll break it!" [The buzzer stops]

"Gary, if you’d like to test yours out…"

[Gary] Yea—

Interactive quiz show

If we had a website you could play this interactive Super Fun Quiz. Although we don't have a website because the Internet is now full of horrible Ant Master on Human shock porn.

There’s no need to talk!

[A crowd of Celtic fans chanting bigotry]

"Good. And now that we know what everyone sounds like, let’s dive straight into the first round. This round is called Questions and in it, I expect answers!"

"Which country would still be free from the Ant Masters if William Wallace were still alive?"

[A few notes of a German version of “Barbie Girl” by Aqua] [Hermin] Schottland!

"Incorrect."

[A crowd of Celtic fans chanting bigotry] [Gary] Scotland!

"Correct, but I don’t like you. Point goes to 14853."

[The clicking and spitting of the Ant Masters] [The buzzer keeps going off, spliced with muffled screams of terror]

[Hermin] Das ist nicht gerecht! Er hat auch nicht in gesummt!

"Don’t threaten me! I’ve got a cap for your German ass, too! Question two.

Which country would have gained independence from England and Wales in the 2010 elections if the Ant Masters had not come to Earth?"

[A few notes of a German version of “Barbie Girl” by Aqua] [Hermin] Schottland! Nicht, dass Sie ein einzelnes Wort verstehen, dass ich sage, und meine Sprache hat nur den unglücklichen tendancy, sich gewalttätig zu Ihren Ohren anzuhören. Ich entschuldige mich.

"Cool it, mister!"

[Hermin] Dies ist nicht gerecht! Warum binden Sie mich fest!?

[A crowd of Celtic fans chanting bigotry] [Gary] is it Scotland per chance?

"I said, I wanted answers not questions! Point goes to 14853!"

[The clicking and spitting of the Ant Masters] [The buzzer keeps going off, spliced with muffled screams of terror]

"Question three! It all hangs on this, get it right and you go away with the broken fridge freezer we store the dead rats in."

[Dramatic noise to build tension]

"In which country did the Ant Masters choose to build their prison?"

[The clicking and spitting of the Ant Masters] [14853] [muffled]!

"Absolutely correct! 14853 is the strongest link. He goes away with the broken fridge freezer. If he ever finds his children, they'll have a blast playing in it!"

[Hermin] He! He! Was Sie sind, der mit jenem Messer macht!

[Tricia plays The Super Fun Quiz theme tune. We don’t know who wrote it or what it’s called.]

"And that is about all we have time for, I’m afraid. Tune in to Pirate FM tommorow and distract yourself from the hard labour! I leave you now with Robert Burns' rendition of Auld Lang Syne."

[Tricia plays the song but we can’t tell what language it’s sung in or what any of the words mean.]

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