Hello. My name is Marshall T. Holcourt. Here is my court-ordered poem. I do not know if it helped me with managing my anger. I liked it a lot.
The Best Damn Tape Measure in the World
A Poem about My Tape Measure by Marshall T. Holcourt
My Stanley Powerlock II 12-foot tape measure
is the best one there is.
It is long, and measures everything. Even my kids.
I cannot think about life
without this what the fuck are you doing Eli? Throw the damn ball!!
I have never been a day in my life
without my tape measure
My tool belt.
It helps me in are you serious?! Picked off on the fucking 22-yard line, SERIOUSLY?! Are you an NFL team?! I feel like I'm watching Jenna's powderpuff league you dickheads!!!
A stapler is no match
for the solid yellow
and black numbers
and smaller red
I haven't the words
to COME THE FUCK ON!! How could you not catch that Moss?! Yeah it was a good block by Sheldon Brown but JESUS man!! He had you by the feet god damn it it's not like your hands weren't free! JESUS!!
Alright, More stuff about my tape measure.
The 12 feet
are like the 12 feet
of my heart.
Or the 20 feet of my intestines
both small, and large.
Passion swells in the YOU! FUCKING! ASS! HOLE! You are a fucking PROFESSIONAL athlete! How did you become one of those!? My deaf sister could kick the ball better than that you bum!! This isn't college ball, you slack-jaw ass-handlers! You beat the fucking undefeated Patriots to win the fucking super bowl, WHY ARE YOU LOSING TO THE GOD DAMN EAGLES?! WHY!? FUCKING ANSWER ME, WHY!?!?
I think that I, shall never see
a tool as lovely, as OH ALRIGHT, YOU FUCKS--
Shut up Karen, we'll get another one.