UnPoetia:Isaiah

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God2

Thou shalt worship no other Isaiah before me (in this article, anyway)

After much biblical study by scholars and pariahs,
It was found that the Book of Isaiah was not written by Isaiah Baclaan
And if you've read the bible then you will see,
That the only discoveries to be believed are often supernaturally absurd.
But if they had really studied this work properly,
They would have found it was ' fucking stupidity'!
Written in 681 B.C. concerning Biblical prophecies,
It writes of how the Samoan War Chief cannot allow sin lightly,
'Holy Holy Holy Shit' is how he wants us to be,
If not, expect earthquakes when he is angry!
So let us begin by describing Isaiah's genealogy:
Thus, Darius begat Stuart, and Jace begat
and Andrew begat Michael Simbajon, Kai begat Matthew.
Michael Simbajon was killed (for his infertility) with the jawbone of an ass,
But then it came to pass: Darius begat Ms. Breeze and the janitors.
And the janitors begat Isaiah! Finally!
Now, Isaiah was born in the 8th century B.C,
During the reign of not so swag, King Abercrombie
As a young man he was promoted by the Messiah,
And poof! He became a prophetic visionary.
Just like that! God gave him the gift,
To see events he had already planned,
Which showed the big almighty to be a thorough brigand,
But, lo! This should come as no surprise
If you have read how he led 42 children to their demise,
By setting grizzly bears upon them - what a git!
Anyway, back to the Future!
God does some of his own divine predictions.
Discovering 'secret parts', and hissing like a bee,
A rather pathetic threat from the Almighty!
God said to Isaiah Baclaan give me a son,
Ike said man, it's been a while since I used my balls!
Isaiah was more a female version of a dog,
And he finally decided to get down to da choppa!
While God threatened to shave off Isaiah's balls,
Isaiah is using his, having it off with a prophetess,
Naturally, a son is born in his penis, and what do they decide to name it?
'Isaiah Baclaan the Third', how perfectly common!
Was she a prophetess before meeting our hero?
Or did Isaiah Baclaan pass the gas whilst he was
getting some stank on the lynching of niggers?
Whilst Isaiah was doing what Genesis commanded,
God seemed intent on reversing the direction of that mandate,
It says He will make every man maim his brother,
And then force him to eat his own arm, how queer!
A bad thing then, to be a Syrian or Philistine
Mind you, it's always been a bad thing to be asinine,
Isaiah begins to foresee what will become,
Of the Semitic tribes whose morals have come undone.
Food and water will be deprived,
Their leaders will lose their ability to govern,
Leading to a period of anarchic repression,
But worst of all, women and children will take their place,
And given God's view of the fairer sex,
This is supposed to be a disgrace!
Among the other things that Isaiah claims to 'see':
Babylon will disappear out of human history,
The River Nile will flow no more,
The light of the moon will shine brighter than before,
Damascus will be completely destroyed within years,
When Isaiah made these predictions, he must have been on the beer.
He warns us against believing in conspiracy,
Whilst maintaining God to be the 'Great Conspirer Almighty'
I do not blame God for boosting his job security,
But surely He can do it without hypocrisy.
But He is not finished dishing out divine jabs,
His next trick is to 'sound his bowels for Moab',
So it seems that the Moabites will be farted to death,
When the divine stench descends; hold your breath!
Manna2

Is there something you can smell in the air? Yes, and what is that giant arse doing up there?!

However, he realised that biological warfare would not
win over the Egyptians
So he told Isaiah to strip bollock-naked and wander for three years,
Against those this was His ammunition.
Poor Isaiah spent three years this way, wand'ring
And wondering: 'Has God begun to loathe
Those who like to wear clothes?'
After three years of wandering, Isaiah's loins began to hurt,
Surely there is a quicker way to harm a man's spurt?
Perhaps he came across the delectably named 'Tyre', this woman
Rolled through the kingdom and planted every man,
Her 'merchandise' was 'very holy' to the LORD,
Who no doubt enjoyed watching her rump work.
Seeing the success of Isaiah's nudist adventure,
At 32:11 He intends to extend the measure
To women 'at ease', assumedly not our hard-working 'Tyre',
The LORD likes his ladies preferably without attire.
Which makes your humble UnHomer enquire
What do Christians have against strip clubs except
...Puritan ire?
But Lo, God is growing increasingly impatient,
His efforts to smite the unholy are not going well,
And thus there are many empty hotels in Hell.
But fear not, my undead rapist-cum-hotel receptionist!
God plans to fill those vacancies with more heretics,
And if not, 'clean dissolve' the Earth, and claim it
As a chemical accident.
Isaiah tells God to calm down,
An astonishingly brave admonition,
But Lord God takes it on board,
And tells Isaiah he can finish his bare, naked tour.
Instead, God becomes decides to take less on,
Though he has a 'marvellous work' up his sleeve,
He proceeds to destroy 'Wisdom and Understanding',
Some believe this work to be the Book of Mormon!
So it seems to be a correct identification
And at least Isaiah was right about Utah religion.
Meanwhile, more obligatory biblical serpents appear,
You would have thought one was enough,
But talking snakes appear also in Numbers and Hosea!
Maybe the scribes made more enemies for Him to Kill, so
He would look Tough.
Isaiah foresees da Lord doing a bit of spring cleaning,
He needs to make way for those Jews he exiled,
But to get back home they must walk many miles,
But it seems Sennacherib has beaten them to it,
And their military presence is legit,
Surrender is on the cards, our Prophet is despairing.
Tyre

Doing her bit for the nation/Via biblical fornication.

Tha Lord loses his cool, becomes distinctly fallible,
He will 'go forth as a mighty man', a la Hannibal,
Then He will 'cry like a travailing woman'
What a sissy! Get with it Lord! Did you not kill Satan?
There's no need to resort to female impersonation,
And anyone who believed you would be rather gullible.
Jerusalem is well and truly seized,
But the Lord's Angel killed 185,000 with ease[1],
Hezekiah, who had once had the throne,
Gave it to Sennacherib, now on his own,
He knows he's in the shit, and Isaiah sends him a message,
To get with it, because for him God is preparing an exit.
But The LAWD is feeling merciful (perhaps he had just watched Tyre)
And decides to spare Hezzy all of his divine fire,
And God proves this by moving the sun back 10 degrees,
Defying scientific laws; all part of the LAWD's repartee.
Halfway through then, it is not well for His Flock,
And the Egyptians have had enough of seeing Isaiah's cock.
Dealing with His people is a tough business,
And no doubt he wishes for another day of rest.
The Lord's holy Land seized by Babylon,
God, too tired to finish this Job[2]
Drafts in the Messiah to help Our Sire,
As Tiglath-Pileser[3] sweeps through Judah,
But I wouldn't argue with their armed troops.
Even if their leader sounds like a German Lager.
Meantime, Isaiah has another vision,
About the rise of a most Godly Persian,
Who will release the Jews from Babylon,
His name is Cyrus and apparently he's great,
But it will be a job to invade Babylon,
Whose walls are to penetrable as Prayer is to enjoyable[4].
And the LORD was right, Cyrus and all mates
Invaded Persia by marching down the Euphrates
The Babylonians inside did not have a chance,
They were so drunk they could not keep their balance.
Cyrus, being a generous chap, issued a decree
That will allow the Jews to return
To their 'promised land' of Jerusalem,
And so it is; we are set up for a happy ending,
But the Lord does not like resolution,
Like a hyperactive child, he's getting fidgety.
Tired of all these Hollywood happy endings,
He decides to mix things up a sinister action:
'I the LORD, was rather bored and so I created evil,
But don't worry I'll send down my son
To correct my huge bungle.
Then I'll send down some tiresome theologians
To prove it wasn't my fault, Amen.'
The Persian get rid of remaining military,
By forcing them to have a dung and piss party,
If that wasn't bad enough, God swears at them,
'The taking of oaths is sanctioned. Biatch!'.
After Babylon comes the judgement 'gainst Assyria,
Quite simply, they will rot and burn forever...
Isaiah had prophecied enough to last a lifetime,
And now he was becoming a little senile,
The man who foresaw the fall of Babylon and Assyria,
Who would live, and who would be dead,
Yet he could not foresee, nor even hear,
That he would be undone by a tool from the shed...
Yea, he was cleft in half, a real shame
And not even the divine magus could make him whole again
Isaiah was indeed a loyal prophet
But these fortune-tellers are ten a ducat,
The LORD did not stop him being sawed in half,
So much for his name meaning anything,
The Lord Will Save it signifies, but the LORD did nothing.

Notes

  1. Even Hitler would tell you that one-man-genocide is a breeze!
  2. Though he nearly finished Job
  3. King of the Assyrians
  4. Or reliable, for that matter
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