UnNews talk:Scientist disappointed to find cure for cancer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

I really like this article you created, Stairs! I did a few things:

  • I put the quotes inside the italics, just cuz.
  • I spelled out "12"
  • I took the sex thing and RAN with it. That's where the jokes were.
  • I explained things a little more, about the money.

I hope you like it...?   Le Cejak <22:48 May 27, 2009>

Agreed, nice job stairs. -OptyC Sucks! Icons-flag-us CUN22:52, 27 May
You guys really like it? Staircase CUNt 23:01, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
It really was cool, plus Clemens added an awesome pic! Can I suggest we rename the article to UnNews:Scientist dissapointed to find cure for cancer?   Le Cejak <23:29 May 27, 2009>
If you wish! Staircase CUNt 23:31, 27 May 2009 (UTC)

edit I put the pic in.

I hope you like the pic. I've have made it even more racy, but my wife is in the same room, and it was bad enough looking up a pic of the Rockettes! Good concept on that old myth of "Cancer doctors don't want a cure". --Clemens177 23:46, 27 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks a lot, man! Staircase CUNt 23:47, 27 May 2009 (UTC)

See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Good job. You should put this article on Pee review, now.   Le Cejak <3:46 May 28, 2009>

Alright, dude! Thanks for the advice! Staircase CUNt 03:47, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
Good job on the pee review! Now, you're going to have to wait a few days or a week or something to get it reviewed, so in the meantime, think of other things you can write, or go... vote on VFH or something. Make yourself useful.   Le Cejak <3:53 May 28, 2009>
I'm sort of running out of ideas of what to write. Can you help me out there? Staircase CUNt 03:55, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
You could rewrite something. Try special:random. You could also randomly look around categories for something that hasn't been covered, yet. Try Category:history, Category:tasteless, Category:animals, or Category:quaint for starters.   Le Cejak <4:03 May 28, 2009>
Sure! Staircase CUNt 04:05, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
I like the idea of a scientist discovering the cure for cancer and then realising he was putting himself out of a job. I think it could do with an extra paragraph as it sort of ends without a punch. Also what is a 'press court'. Do you mean press conference ?? --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate). 12:29, 2 June 2009 (UTC)
Ya, that's it, Romartus. If you want you can add that paragraph and change those around. Staircase CUNt 16:09, 2 June 2009 (UTC)

edit Changes I would make

=Hey Steps, I hope you appreciate this! A few editing ideas I had. If you make these changes, I guarantee nothing but a better article.=   Le Cejak <1:45 Jun 04, 2009>

Cancerclerks
The research staff of Dr. Ruben Fletcher, who now find themselves unemployed. =Personally, I love this.=

SECRET LABORATORY, Nevada, USA -- Life as we know it on Earth has just changed. =That doesn't sound very newsish. I would take it out.= In a secret corporate laboratory hidden somewhere in Nevada, a group of five scientists were given a forty million dollar research grant to find a cure for cancer. One of them, Dr. Ruben Fletcher, succeeded in doing =typo, right?= finding the cure that wouls =typo: "would"= save millions of lives. In the midst of all the celebration of his discovery =We know what he's celebrating, so "of his discovery" is unnecessary=, Fletcher's first (printable) word was "Damn."

"I don't really get it either. We were all jumping around, taking off our clothes and running around nude, you know, having a naked party =no duh=. However, Ruben, even though he was the one who made the discovery, was sitting there with his face in his hands," said co-researcher Susan Lloyd after the initial press conference. =Move the identity of the speaker to right after "I don't get it either" because we have to know who's talking immediately= "So I walked over and said 'what's up', you know, to see what was wrong. He was like 'Now I'm never going to get laid again'. =move period inside single quote.= I know, it's weird huh?"

News of the scientist's remarkable discovery came to light when the local police were called in because =they were called in AFTER (not BECAUSE)= the celebratory party =redundant, right?= had gotten out of hand. Shamefaced and hunting for their clothes - the celebration truly over - =You're wasting words, plus it's not news-style= the scientists blurted out that they 'had licked the big C'. Thinking this was a pornographic reference, it was only =it was only WITH?= Doctor Fletcher's intervention admitting that the laboratory had discovered the cure for cancer that the police decided to let them go and forced the scientists to go public with the startling news.

Within half an hour, local and international news organizations got the news that a big story was about to break =extra space here= in Nevada and were told to head to a =were told to "head to a"? no, that doesn't sound good= "hidden" and "secret" laboratory. A coffee table was found and several microphones placed on it. Doctor Ruben Fletcher then came out of the bathroom in his boxer shorts and sat down to be interviewed . =extra space before that period=

"Actually, it was a complete accident," said Dr. Fletcher, "I definitely wasn't intending to find the cure. It was a complete surprise! I had no idea mixing the compounds 'D', 'M', and 'G' together would make the proper solution =This doesn't work at all. Couldn't he have found the solution while trying to make a few drinks for his dancing girls or something?=. I had already tried compounds 'A', 'C', and 'V', and they did not work =again, this does not work. I wouldn't even say what the ingredients were=. So, as you would expect, I was quite bewildered when the solution was a cure. In fact, I didn't want to find a cure at all." After hearing this surprising news, the press court stared in shock as he continued: "Isn't it obvious? I mean you could take the forty million dollars and try to find a cure for cancer, or you can take the forty million and spend it on drugs, beer, and prostitutes. I decided that finding a cure would be impossible, so I went ahead and got myself a couple of lap dances =linking to "cancer porn" here doesn't make a whole lot of sense. When I edited the article without permission, I made this way more offensive. This is a hold-out from that era, and it doesn't work now=. Being a scientist really turns on the ladies, =...and various sexy animals= and now that I'm finished with all of this research, the ladies =repetitive: Try chicks or bitches.= will be reluctant to nail me. So, like I said before, I didn't want to find the cure to cancer, and now that I have, I despise myself for it. I'm not even going to get the royalties to this! I signed a contract that all my discoveries become intellectual property of this damn company! I hate you bastards!"

The mood in room =MOOD IN ROOM UGLY! ME GO SMASH! XD= got ugly =The mood in the room got ugly? That doesn't sound like a news article, steps= but then the noted scientist continued. "We wasted YEARS of your people's =I think your peoples'= time. I mean, most of that money was from the government. We used it to build waterslides from one department to the next... We spent it on trips to cancer wards to throw garbage at the patients... We even used some of the money to try and create a virus that attacks only cancer patients. Man, wild times. Whew."

One journalist then asked Doctor Fletcher when his amazing cure would be available to the the public. He looked and then said. " Well these things do take time you know. Also we are going to need to have our results analyzed and replicated in other labs here in the USA and around the world. I reckon in about ten years - so perhaps who knows, by then I will have discovered the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. But I am going to need more sex and dancing girls first. " =extra space before endquote=

Doctor Fletcher has since reluctantly travelled =one L= to Sweden to accept the Nobel Prize in Medicine . "Yeah, gee, thanks," he was quoted as saying before disappearing to a nightclub in Stockholm for a 'recruitment drive' to find suitable blonde women to work in his lab =You don't need to spell it out for us. Just say he went into a night club for a recruitment drive, without the quotes=.

edit Changes I would make #2

=Hey Steps! It's not VFH yet, but I see potential! There are still some grammar, tone, and coherence problems. You should ask for a second opinion on this.=   Le Cejak <5:38 Jun 05, 2009>

Cancerclerks
The research staff of Dr. Ruben Fletcher, who now find themselves unemployed.

SECRET COPORATE LABORATORY, Nevada, USA -- In a secret corporate laboratory hidden somewhere in Nevada, a group of five scientists were given a forty million dollar research grant to find a cure for cancer. One of them, Dr. Ruben Fletcher, succeeded in doing finding ="doing finding"= the cure that wouls ="could" would be better= save millions of lives. In the midst of all the celebration, Fletcher's first (printable) word was "Damn." =Which celebration? Was UnNews there? You say "the celebration" like we know which one it was. It's up to you.=

"I don't really get it either," said co-researcher Susan Lloyd after the initial press conference. "We were all jumping around, taking off our clothes and running around nude, you know, having a good time. However, Ruben, =would "But Ruben" be more realistic?= even though he was the one who made the discovery, was sitting there with his face in his hands. So I walked over and said 'what's up', you know, to see what was wrong. =Wasted sentence. Can you see why? The important thing is what he said, not who asked him= He was like 'Now I'm never going to get laid again'. I know, it's weird huh?"

News of the scientist's remarkable discovery came to light when the local police were called in because the celebration had gotten out of hand. Shamefaced and hunting for their clothes, the scientists =the scientists "reportedly"= blurted out that they 'had licked the big C'. Thinking this was a pornographic reference, it was only Doctor Fletcher's intervention admitting that the laboratory =that sentence doesn't make grammatical sense.= had discovered the cure for cancer that the police decided to let them go and let the scientists to go public with the startling news.

Within half an hour, local and international news organizations got the news that a big story was about to break in Nevada and were told to head to a "hidden" and "secret" =use only one of those. They're synonyms of each other= laboratory. A coffee table was found and several microphones placed on it. =You don't need to explain how the news conference was set up, I don't think= Doctor Ruben Fletcher then came out of the bathroom in his boxer shorts and sat down to be interviewed.

"Actually, it was a complete accident," said Dr. Fletcher, "I definitely wasn't intending to find the cure. It was a complete surprise! I was just mixing up some drinks for my 'assistants', and it turned out it was cure. I learned that my signature mix of booze was really the cure all along. So, as you would expect, I was quite bewildered when the solution was a cure. In fact, I didn't want to find a cure at all." After hearing this surprising news, the press court stared in shock as he continued: "Isn't it obvious? I mean you could take the forty million dollars and try to find a cure for cancer, or you can take the forty million and spend it on drugs, beer, and prostitutes. I decided that finding a cure would be impossible, so I went ahead and got myself a couple of lap dances. =red links ugly= Being a scientist really turns on the ladies, =maybe in real life, but let's make fun of them here. He only gets the ladies cuz of the $40m, remember?= and now that I'm finished with all of this research, the women will be reluctant to nail me. ="reluctant"? This ain't 'Jeopardy'!= So, like I said before, I didn't want to find the cure to cancer, =cure FOR cancer, maybe?= and now that I have, I despise myself for it. =Is this guy Shakespearian? More realistic and down-to-earth, please.= I'm not even going to get the royalties to this! I signed a contract that all my discoveries become intellectual property of this damn company! I hate you bastards!"

The press conference was about to jump up and attack the scientist until he continued. =This is a news article, not opinion. A real news organization would tone this sentence down, right? Maybe?= "We wasted YEARS of your peoples' time. I mean, most of that money was from the government. We used it to build waterslides from one department to the next... We spent it on trips to cancer wards to throw garbage at the patients... We even used some of the money to try and create a virus that attacks only cancer patients. Man, wild times. Whew." =good stuff=

One journalist then asked Doctor Fletcher ="Doctor Fletcher was asked..."= when his amazing cure =news, not opinion. Don't call stuff amazing, it breaks the tone= would be available to the the public. He looked and then said. ="He claims that..." "He says that..." You would be a good story writer, but in news, there is no narrative like "he looked around, confusedly, then said..."= " Well these things do take time you know. Also we are going to need to have our results analyzed and replicated in other labs here in the USA and around the world. I reckon in about ten years - so perhaps who knows, by then I will have discovered the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. But I am going to need more sex and dancing girls first." =Don't spell it out for us. Hint at it... Know what I'm saying?=

Doctor Fletcher has since reluctantly travelled =One L in traveled= to Sweden to accept the Nobel Prize in Medicine . "Yeah, gee, thanks," he was quoted as saying before disappearing to a nightclub in Stockholm for a 'recruitment drive'.

Personal tools
projects