Just wanted to see if there were any improvements to be made.
The only (vaguely) funny part was in the quote at the end. Again, vaguely humourous.
All I can see is that you're stating a real-life event (Murphy's paternity test results) with added offensive and unfunny commentary.
Prose and formatting:
The grammar is awful. Your first sentence (the one I believe to be the most important in UnNews along with the last) is a run-on and difficult to understand. I do realize that grammer is not everyone's forte and, in the case of a good article (good humour, concept, etc.), would refer them to CPS. However, I'm sorry to say that putting a few commas in their place would be quite futile with what you have here.
Nothing special; the captions aren't funny.
Again, "Shrek 4: The Vasectomy" was the high point in this article.
I am usually of the mind that anything can be fixed into something decent with a bit of work. Sadly, I'm making an exception in this article's case. Mr. Murphy does not need to be jested at; just watch any of his recent films and you'll see that making fun of him any more than he's done to himself would be in bad taste. If you are truly committed to making this article work then you need to go at it from a completely different angle, most likely moving it to something that you can work with. Good luck.