UnNews talk:I'm Sorry
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edit 1st and 2nd Pee Review
|Humour:||2||I know what you wanted to do with this, but the first paragraph of an UnNews article has to deliver the goods, and this one delivers a complication exposition, but no zinger.|
|Concept:||7||The concept of an apology from the man is funny. Have you ever read Steve Martin's piece on apologies? If not I would recommend it because he manages to apologize for everything. And I think that this article could stand for a few more apologies for various slights throughout history. Is "The Man" here to apologize or not apologize and make it look like an apology, when it isn't? And what is his real identity once he's unmasked?|
|Prose and formatting:||2||Too wordy and too much set up. Simplfy the structure. Make this an interview, or make it a press conference style. Give it an air of someone who 1) Either glad to get it out; or 2)Someone who is behaving really squirrely and refuses to really apologize.|
|Images:||10||The image works because its vague, yet disturbing. I likes it.|
|Miscellaneous:||0||Where are the hyperlinks? How does this dovetail into any other Uncyclopedia article?|
|Final Score:||21||This article has great, great, promise. But it reminds me of playing bridge and bidding a no trump hand. You've got the points to make a teriffic article, but you've lost control of the delivery of the first card (joke) and as a result you've got to get control again. And you have to hold one really good zinger back until you're close to the end to keep people reading.|
|Reviewer:||Dame20:03, 17 March 2008 (UTC)|
|Humour:||8||Note 1. “A stunning revelation came forth early yesterday afternoon, when it came to light that a single white man, advised by a small council, was indeed the clandestine ruler of the entire planet, as had long been suspected by many, particularly African-Americans.” Absolutely excellent. This line employs exaggeration (in pursuing the white man argument to its most extreme conclusion), understatement (in that Empire, a testimony to the ubiquitous presence and power of white man, could have failed to have been understood by any oppressed indigenous population, especially African-Americans, as a sort of conspiracy), and matter-of-factly delivery that reinforces the lame wishy-washiness of The Man’s apology to come. All of that condensed into this intro.
Note 2. “Originally it was just an economic thing – slavery and all – but then it proved so effective, the council and I couldn’t stop”, he announced. When asked what prompted him to reveal his existence and apologize, The Man replied simply “It was time.” The dialogue reinforces the lame apologetic position of The Man. Also, that little tidbit “It was time” adds bathos to this already embarrassing affair. Very good use of tone and literary devices to reinforce the concept. However, this passage elicited “ooohhs” as opposed to "loools”.
Note 3. "Some, however, don’t see the two phenomena as unrelated, and echoed skepticism. “It’s a little convenient that he chooses to out himself and apologize the very year that we may get a black president” Good incorporation of topical humor: made one chuckle.
Note 4. "When questioned as to whether this may be a ploy by The Man to soften relations with blacks because he may see his dominance wane in the coming years, Darnell answered, “Hell yeah, shit.”" Brilliant. A line previous, Darnell was identified as a Yale Law student: his corresponding vitriol contrasts with readers’ assumptions associated with such esteemed schooling. Ironic. Plus, the line is an exercise in sparkling dialogue. Say “Hell yeah, shit”: doesn’t it just resonate wounded urban pride?
Note 5. "Still, others see this as a step in the right direction, even though The Man kept his actual identity secret while admitting his existence. “It’s about time we got somethin’. Lord knows they done took enough”, said Sharita McQueen, a 73 year-old mother of four and grand mother of seven. “Now, if we can get those reparations, the apology will be complete.”" Topical but not particularly funny.
Note 6. “I don’t see nuthin’ comin’ of it, but at least he acknowledged it”, added Marcus. “Still, where my money at?” Another example of irony and fun dialogue. Strong ending.
|Concept:||9||Taking a universal entity (The Man) and a once universal phenomenon (Empire and Imperialism) and complementing discussion on those elements with a relatively insignificant entity (Darnell Marcus) and a relatively modern insignificant phenomenon (post-colonial proclivity for national redress) takes a sizable amount of chutzpah. Kudos to you!|
|Prose and formatting:||7||The prose and formatting were fine. If I recall correctly, I don't believe I had any trouble reading the article. The format, to my understanding, is within the expectations of an UnNews article.|
|Images:||7||The picture was pertinent and neither detracted nor added to the strength of the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||As previously noted by Ms. Prettiestpretty, there should be hyperlinks interspersed throughout the article.|
|Final Score:||37||I enjoyed reviewing this article. There's only one direction for this article to go: up. Cliche, cliche but it's true. The article is short, but length does not substitute substance. Just keep mulling over any other potential ideas you may wish to incorporate into the article and intersperse throughout hyperlinks. Hope to see the article in VFH someday soon!|
|Reviewer:||Mightydandylion 08:19, 19 March 2008 (UTC)|