UnNews talk:11-year old girl arrested for "acting like an 11-year old"
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edit Advice that was asked for
This isn't bad! But you need to take it more seriously, which is kind of a prose problem but it affects the funny. For example you have "hit with the stone, and cryed for about 5 minutes according to reports " Why not have have "Blugeoned with the stone and cried for well over five minutes according to eye witnesses" It sounds more sensational you see and, I think, funnier. At this point you could interject about the extent of the injury. "A passing spinal sugeon even suggested that the boy may be bruised or possibly need a plaster" (or "band-aid" for you Americans).
One thing I really didn't like was the sudden appearance of Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's a govener, not a lawyer. Just cut that bit out if you would as it's kinda awful.
Also you may want to expand the aticle by first saying she wasn't allowed to go to school during the house arrest. And then giving a paragraph how she whent on to re-offend stating that "She aint affraid of the dykes in detention". Just because your gay and need to trow a dyke joke into the mix. And it also parodies the fact prison isn't really a threat anymore.
Your images are Ok, I get what you're doing by exagerating the reconstructions but for a start you have too many. Only have one reconstructing the asualt as that's the main joke. I would maybe like something that isn't as exagerated but (helpfully) I have no idea what. Maybe it's Ok as it is. Though in teh caption say "heavily infulenced by the terminator movies."
Well I hope this has been helpful to you and given you some ideas. Liek I said this is good and I like the concept verry much. Featurable? I'm not really sure because of it's size, I've mentioned ways of expansion but even then I doubt there's really enough there for a feature. But it is a Good article; your first right? SK Sir RotM 14:00 10 September 2008
- Yeah, the random Schwarzenegger references sorta through me off. And the gross sex jokes. Also - this can be a whole lot funnier if is sounds like a real news report on a slow news day, you know? all serious and stuff. Like there's nothing better to report upon XD it's a great concept, too. Much better than MY FIRST ARTICLE -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 23:41, 10 September 2008 (UTC)