UnNews:Zozo residents take to the streets of Jidoor, occupy the auction house
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
8 December 2011
Jidoor, Jidoor County, World of Ruin - After years of abject poverty and living in a bastion of crime and drug addiction, residents of Zozo marched to the upper class city of Jidoor and have camped out in front of the auction house. Jidoor governor Setzer Gabbiani believes the Zozo residents are protesting their appalling living conditions and the excesses of Jidoor's upper class. UnNews reporters interviewed several protesters and received conflicting information about the reasons for the recent occupation. One Zozo resident who was identified by onlookers as Hill Gigas told an UnNews reporter that he bears no ill will towards Jidoor residents and was just there to party. He then proceeded to headbutt the UnNews reporter in the face, knocking him out for several hours.
The events leading up to this protest have been in the making for several decades. Zozo residents or their ancestors were banished from Jidoor about 20 years before the apocalypse and have lived in appalling conditions ever since. They built Zozo at the base of Mt. Zozo after being kicked out of Jidoor and have suffered from not only disease, crime, and drug addiction but also a torrential downpour that never seems to end. One resident of Zozo, thought to be the only honest man from the community, told reporters that his city is no better off today than it was under Kefka's reign. He says the Returners are a bunch of sellouts who are only there to prop up the rich and the elite.
Jidoor residents have had mixed reactions to the protests. Some of the middle class residents of Jidoor who live in the southern part of the city sympathize with the Zozo residents and a few have even joined in the protest, calling for a more equitable share of the wealth. Most of the upper class residents of the city vehemently oppose the occupy movement and have called on Governor Gabbiani to evict them "by any means necessary". Morbidly obese resident Owzer who despite several heart attacks is still alive as of 2011, says that these protesters are the scum of the earth and should be wiped off the planet. "Emperor Geshtal would have known what to do with these hippies" he remarked.
Despite mass opposition from most of Jidoor's upper class, the occupy movement has found a few allies even in the city's upper class. The owner of Jidoor's item store identified as an unnamed NPC says that the occupy movement has been great for his business. "I haven't sold this many hi-potions or Phoenix Downs since the fall of Kefka, business is booming, I say bring it on". "Tent sales are also through the roof" he later added. Violence has broken out in some parts of the city with Jidoor police casting low level fire and ice spells at the protesters to keep them at bay. So far no one has been killed but several injuries have been reported.
Despite the protests it's been business as usual at the Jidoor auction house, UnNews reporters interviewed several of the bidders at the auction asking them if the protests will affect their decision to return to the auctions. We asked one man, a tourist who travels to Jidoor to bid on rare and expensive items, if he will return to the city despite the growing protests and anger towards the rich. The man who identified himself as Dave Hester responded "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP".
Asked what he plans to do about the protesters Governor Gabbiani says he is unsure. "If it was any one else protesting we may be willing to hear them out but Zozo residents are nothing but a bunch of lying thieves, the last time I was there back in 1994, I was given an STD by a Veil Dancer and had my watch stolen by a Harvester. If these guys cause any more trouble I'm sending Umaro in after them. For now though, I'm just going to wait and see".
Inspired by what is happening in Jidoor, several solidarity protests have sprung up in other parts of the world as well. Some of the Jidoor protesters plan to meet up with Occupy Maranda in front of the Opera House, a popular hangout for the rich. In Narshe, miners have gone on strike, protesting what they call appalling and dangerous working conditions. In the last 10 years over 50 miners have lost their lives, mostly due to monster attacks. The town itself was cleared of monsters shortly after the fall of Kefka by an army of moogles led by Mog and Crown Prince Sabin Rene Figaro but the mines are still very dangerous and can be deadly for anyone travelling alone or with a level under 60.
Narshe Governor Locke Cole says he sympathizes with the miners and plans to send in a clearing party into the mines consisting of himself, Crown Prince Figaro, Clyde "Shadow" Arrowny, and Mog. (Shadow attempted suicide by staying inside Kefka's tower during its collapse but was rescued by the Albrook Fire Department). Despite this though, Cole insists that monsters will always be a problem and the best way to avoid death and injury is to gain levels. He says miners should have a level of at least 60 before entering the mines and should never go in alone. He also recommended taking at least one person who can cast cure as well as several hi potions and phoenix downs in case they are attacked. As a result of the strikes, Governor Cole is offering a 10% raise to miner's wages and local merchants are offering a 20% discount on all weapons and healing items sold in Narshe stores. Training runs to Dinosaur Island, also known as Jurassic Park are also being set up to allow miners to gain adequate levels to enter the mines. The miners are also protesting Cole's decision to allow training runs on Dinosaur Island stating that the monsters there are even more powerful than the ones in Narshe. Cole countered that its "the best fucking training you can get" and assured them that Cyan Garamonde is leading the expedition and high tech weapons provided by King Edgar Figaro will be available to all trainees.
In addition to Jidoor, Maranda, and Narshe, the unrest has also spread to the town of Mobliz. Governor Terra Branford says that the town's reconstruction efforts have moved at a snail's pace since the town was destroyed in the apocalypse 17 years ago. "We can't even afford adequate birth control here in Mobliz" she said. Duane and Katarin, both 33, the town's two oldest residents other than Branford herself have produced a total of 15 offspring since 1994 due to lack of contraception. Sexually transmitted diseases are also rampant in the town as well, although not to the extent of infection in Zozo. Governor Branford pleaded for more funding for the town but King Figaro stated that "resources are spread too thin, especially also having to deal with the current labour unrest in Narshe". Branford stated that she thinks the real reason the King has cut funding to her community is because their romantic relationship fell apart in the late 1990s. King Figaro responded "That is complete bullshit, that bitch that broke my heart has nothing to do with this".
In Thamasa, town elder Strago Magus' house was burned down by occupy protesters angry that he and his granddaughter Relm Arrowny, 27 hoard over 90% of the city's wealth. General Leo's grave was also desicrated and his body was nailed to Relm Arrowny's door. According to rumours originating in the town pub, King Figaro allegedly sent the assassin Shadow, Relm's father, to Thamasa to find the culprit. Two days later several bodies were discovered containing severe wounds consistent with an attack by a large dog. Thamasa authorities state that the arson and grave desicration are in no way connected to the two recent murders in the town.
Asked what he plans to do about the growing "Occupy Movement", King Figaro, leader of the entire planet, says he is going to bide his time but remarked that if they get any worse, he will be forced to put them down violently. "If I only had Kefka's light of judgement" he mused.