UnNews:Zombies to produce own movie
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Zombies to produce own movie
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 20:58:UTC)(
17 March 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Much as the stars of the Geico cavemen commercials feel compelled to make a movie to set the record straight concerning their alleged stupidity, zombies have decided to produce a movie of their own in which they are depicted more realistically, as hardworking, mostly law-abiding members of the workforce, their penchant for late-night revelry notwithstanding.
"Sure, we enjoy a few beers after hours," Thomas Wall told Unnews' Lotta Lies. "What's wrong with that? We never sleep, we never tire, and, unlike the living, we're not lazy. We'll work from dawn to dusk, seven days a week. What we do between sundown and sunup is our business, as long as we're not harming anyone else."
Asked about their appetite for human brains, Wall admitted that he and his kind do enjoy "a little gray matter in our daily diet," but said that zombies target only the undesirables among humanity: "pimps, whores, drug addicts, child molesters, rapists, murderers, Michael Jackson, Pee Wee Herman, Rosie O'Donnell, and the like." Society should thank the zombies, Wall said, "for rendering a public service by their careful selections of the worst of the worst among "human cattle."
The movie, tentatively called Zombies: Nothing to Shudder About, depicts the walking dead as untiring, conscientious, sleepless laborers by day and wild revelers by night. The movie also showcases their unusual sense of humor. Zombies do not breathe, so a contest to determine which among them can hold his breath the longest is pointless. Therein lies the "humor," Wall said. "We enjoy absurd comedy, farce, slapstick, and other mindless entertainment." In the film, several of the younger, "more nubile" female zombies flash their breasts at an all-night kegger in the San Fernando Valley, in a parody of the Girls Gone Wild videos. "The one with the least-advanced decomposition still has a pretty nice rack," Wall declared. "Her boobs are still mostly intact and haven't 'gone gray' yet."
The film will also showcase zombies' other natural (or supernatural) powers. They feel no pain, and they are impervious to the effects of bullets, drugs, poisons, gases, temperature and pressure extremes, high-voltage electricity, suffocation, and drowning.
"Part of the movie will show us participating in dangerous activities such as the ones featured on the Jackass television series and movies, juggling chainsaws, locking ourselves inside walk-in freezers, subjecting ourselves to long, repeated sessions in the electric chair, that sort of thing," Wall said. "Of course, that part of the film will be prefaced with a 'don't try this at home' warning for the kids and imbeciles among the human population."
There will also be a few dismemberments, according to Wall, to show how much injury their bodies can sustain without being destroyed. "Like the Timex watch, we can take a lickin' but keep on tickin'," he said. "We're proud of that, and we think it's important that humans be aware of such accomplishments." (Note: this paragraph is sponsored by Timex Corporation.)
Great comedy affects will also result from zombies' clumsiness, Wall said, with segments interspersed into the plot, which involves the zombies' ridding humanity of the scum and villainy with which it is infected, that show zombies' slow, wobbling gait and difficulty manipulating simple mechanical devices and everyday objects such as doorknobs, stairs, gates, and yo-yos.
The script, which is being written by Wall and a team of walking dead writers, will dispel the notion that zombies have low intelligence, too, Wall predicted. "How could a bunch of intellectually challenged animated corpses write such a movie?" he asked. "Duh! Remember, we live on brains!"
If it can find funding, which is dubious, Zombies: Nothing to Shudder About could be coming to a theater near you sometime in August 2007. Matinees are recommended, and one should avoid the premier, which is scheduled for "after sundown," at all costs, especially if you are Rosie, Pee Wee, or Michael.