UnNews:Zombies getting fat, junk food-eating humans to blame
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Zombies getting fat, junk food-eating humans to blame
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 22:29:UTC)(
25 June 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Since 1969, zombies have made life a burden for humanity but suitable for themselves by consuming the flesh of the living. Despite the fact that they eat humans for no apparent reason, they are completely satisfy of this diet. But recent, in modern times, they now are complaining that eating some, if not all, human flesh has made them fat over the years, and that they blame the junk food companies such as Hostess and Hershey's for their apparent effect on humans which also effect zombies who eat junk food eating people.
Groups of zombies have gathered around nearby the Capital to protest. The first attempt was unsuccessful, as nearby military shot at every zombie in their sight, believing it to be and invasion of the city or an attempt to assassinate the President. After peaceful negotiations were made with the military after six hours of shooting, the zombie’s second attempt was successful.
During the zombie march at the Capital, they held picket signs in the air, and telling everybody that Americans eat too much junk food and must punish those responsible. In the past, zombies cared little for junk food industries, because they don't eat normal food anymore, and prefer flesh and/ or brains (depending on the type of zombie). But also at the time there weren't many people eating a lot of junk food. Even as the increase of junk food eating, they didn’t realize the effect it had on them until last week when they notice that they have look different than before.
"The problem with fat zombies," said a zombie being interviewed "is that it makes us slower, and we accidentally crush fellow zombies when we chase prey, as well as falling down and getting in other zombies way."
Humans have also complained about this. Complaints stated that not only does it make them fat, it makes them throw up a green disgusting goop (probably from all the junk food eating humans they been eating) that is disgusting to a human, but attracts other zombies, who are delighted by this goop, bringing worse problems for that human. Others, however, found fat zombies as an advantage, because they're much slower than skinny zombies, and sometimes will blow up if shot; but is also noted that shooting too close will get green goop all over a human when it explodes.
Because of the advantages mentioned above, and the fact that nobody likes zombies, no human groups supported the protest. As a matter of fact, there hasn't been a group supporting zombies since 1985, which was the only one in history, and was disbanded in 1986 when a conviction was formed, and instead of finding the group has a helping source, they found them as a buffet.
Barack Obama, who doesn't like zombies either, didn't want to get involved. But since he doesn't want the zombies to revolt, he thought of something to say to them, and ordered a meeting at the Capital with undead. Rather sarcastically, he said to the undead groups during a meeting at the Capital Building, "Well, this does appears to be a national crisis, and I would like to help you guys out." But then he also added, "But you see here, we got some bigger issues going around all over both the nation and the world. You know the war in the Middle East, the oil spill in the gulf, the conflict in the Korean Peninsula, the economy.... you know, I don't think we have the money or the time to deal with the issues you're experiencing. But I tell you what, when all of this chaos dies down, we'll talk about this and find a solution to this."
Though he seems convincing, some people reported he had his fingers crossed behind his back after saying that last statement. Never less, the protesting zombies, who are not smart enough to know he was being sarcastic about the speech because of their low intelligence, believed the story, and decided to wait till that time comes.
But until then, many zombies decided to go on diets, and only eat healthy eating people as well as vegetarians. Some decided to eat regular food again, and even turned to Christianity, which taught them to only consume the flesh and blood of Jesus.
Never less, some just said fuck it and continued to hunt humans, despite what some can do to them. But this crisis for the zombies does spell trouble for them, and one day they might even be no longer a threat to humanity. And they don't know this because they can't read, and since they can't read they can't understand this article. As a matter a fact, they think it’s about kittens being Rick Rolled by Mr. T after watching Avatar in a swamp in the middle of nowhere. Boy, they are so stupid.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|