UnNews:Zombie Dolls for little boils and ghouls who have it all

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1 May 2007

Zombie dolls

Zombie Dolls’ Terrible Toddlers

FRANKENSTEIN, MO - Zombie Dolls, a toy company in Frankenstein, MO (yes, the town does exist; check your road atlas), recently announced a new line of action figures for zombie boys (“boils”) and girls (“ghouls”). The figures are intended to boost the self-esteem of zombie children, who, too often, have had to compare themselves to the Kens and Barbies of the toy world.

“In their own way, zombie children are just as cute as any living child, but, when they compare their own sunken eyes, festering sores, puckered flesh, and ghastly pallor to the bright eyes, clear, sleek skin, and sun-bronzed complexions of their living counterparts or even the dolls that represent them, zombie children often feel less attractive,” the toy company’s president, Kay Daver, told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We want to so something about that.”

Zombie dollstitle

Zombie Dolls’ Terrible Teens

Zombie Dolls come in various age groups and in various states of decay. For the toddler, there are Terrible Tots; for adolescents, Terrible Teens; and for young adults, Hellion Homies. The dolls come with accessories such as lollipops, chain necklaces, mousetrap bracelets, and dildos. The Terrible Teens are named after the seven deadly sins: Wrath, Envy, Greed, Lust, Vanity, Sloth, and Gluttony. “They’re more popular than Test Tube Aliens,” Daver contended. “Hell, they’re even more popular than Hasbro’s My Little Penis figures.” The toys are popular with children, teens, and young adults in the Gothic subculture, Daver said, “but gays, lesbians, transsexuals, and other freaks love them as well.”

Gray Lizard, a 14-year-old boy with latent homosexual tendencies, is unusual in that he prefers the dolls, rather than the action figures. “Lust and Vanity look really great naked,” he said. “Lust bleeds--you know, down there--when you squeeze her around the waist, and Vanity’s mouth puckers up when you press her buttocks together. The action figures, despite the label, don‘t do anything. I'd rather play with the Lust and Vanity dolls than the macho, musclebound action figures boys are supposed to prefer.”

Prophet Pat Robertson, founder of the 700 Club, said that the dolls “are the spawn of Satan and would “endanger the soul of any child whose parents are foolish enough to buy one.”

Evangelist Jerry Falwell concurred. “They’re evil,” he declared. “They’re way worse than the Teletubbies, who are gay, but not resuscitated corpses, as far as I can tell.”

Focus on the Family’s James Dobson said, “I wouldn’t get one for my pet poodle, Sophie, let alone my grandchildren, Spike and Drusilla.”

Glow-in-the-dark additions to the Zombie Dolls, including Wendy the Good Little Bitch and Casper the Pantywaist Ghost, will be available soon. “There’s no end to the number and variety of Zombie Dolls we can engender, spawn, or hatch from the fertile loins of the Zombie Queen,” Daver said.

The new additions should be on the shelf in time for Halloween.

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