UnNews:Zombie Cromwell Dissolves Parliament, Replaces with 'Have Your Say', 'Comment Is Free' Regulars
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Zombie Cromwell Dissolves Parliament, Replaces with 'Have Your Say', 'Comment Is Free' Regulars
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 01:46:UTC)(
4 June 2009
LONDON, United Kingdom. Acting at the request of hundreds of badly-spelled, badly-punctuated requests on the BBC's 'Have Your Say' messageboards, Oliver Cromwell today rose from his grave(s) and, having put his head back on, marched on Parliament with a contingent of zombie New Model Army troops and forcibly dissolved the House of Commons with his famous command "For God's sake, go!" rendered, due to his advanced state of decomposition, as "Frrrr Grrrrdzzz skzzzz, grrrrrr!". Terrified MPs fled or waddled from the chamber leaving the United Kingdom without a government.
Acting in the further spirit of 'Have Your Say' commentators, Cromwell proceeded to appoint "a Parliament of blokes" consisting of HYS regulars, Guardian Unlimited "Comment Is Free" commenters, pub bores, Question Time audience members, people who write letters to the Daily Mail and Richard Littlejohn in order to allow them to create the perfect state so long denied to them by "professional politicians". Having fulfilled his role, Cromwell turned down the offer to act as Speaker (deferring that role to Melanie Philips) and expired, leaving a pile of bones on the chamber floor described by one observer as "pungent but satisfactory".
In the last twelve hours, a flurry of new enactments have been passed, such as proudbriton37 (East Kent, HYS)'s Make It so you Can be proud To be english without Them politically corrects Putting you In Prison Act, Lawrence Lager (West Sussex, Question Time Audience)'s Hang all The Bankers Act and wantshiscoutrybackNOW (Maidstone, HYS)'s STop jocks from sitting in parleyment coz they've got there own parleyment and why shoujld tehy be able to tell us what to do Act. A bill forwarded by Alexei Rollup (Manchester, CIF) proposing the immediate arrest and imprisonment of "second most evil man alive", Tony Blair, and his forcible re-naming by deed poll as "Tory Bliar", has gone to a second reading.
New Prime Minister Noel Edmonds told our UnNews reporter, "of course there are political divisions in the new Parliament; we can't decide whether to go to war with France, the United States, 'them Arabs' or Israel. Whatever we decide, the British public can rest assured that in many ways we are united: by cheap populism, small-mindedness, a penchent for conspiracism and a total disregard for empirical fact."