UnNews:Zodiac wrong, world copes
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Zodiac wrong, world copes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 04:13:UTC)(
15 January 2011
Everywhere -- The international community has promised a swift response to the large-scale breakdowns in civil order caused by the revelation that the Astrological signs that govern our every action and personalities are in fact incorrect.
The crisis began when astronomy instructor Parke Kunkle explained during an interview that astronomers have been aware since 130 B.C.E. that the Earth's irregular orbit means that the star-signs devised 5,000 years ago are in fact no longer applicable. Within hours of the interview, the interview was being circulated on research journals, such as Facebook and AIM -- leading to outbreaks of hysteria, confusion and violence.
Sofia Whitcombe, who had previously been a Capricorn, thus woke-up as a Sagittarius. "Will my personality change?" she mused. "Capricorns are diligent and regimented, and super-hard-working like me." Whitcombe's rhetorical question was answered later that day when police found her breaking in to cars to finance her newly found crack habit. Whitcombe's case is unfortunately becoming all too common, as cosmological shifts lead to drastic personality changes. Kunkle, initially skeptical, found he too was affected. Normally a sociopathic and unpredictable astronomer, he found himself being considerate and mindful of the needs of others. He plans to enroll on a marketing course in the hope of returning to his former self.
Major religions responded with surprise and horror as their claim that morality rested on religion was clearly damaged by recent events. A consortium of Christian and Muslim leaders came to together to reassure the world that child-rape, misogyny and homophobia continue unabated -- proving that the morality of true believers remains unaffected.
When asked for more detail on precisely what the international community had in mind, the line dropped and when we called back it was engaged. We interviewed an astrologer but found her to be kind of flakey and vague. A waste of time, but she was fairly attractive, in an art-teacher kind of way.
- Jocelyn Noveck and Chris Williams "Give me back my sign! Horoscope fans ponder loss of identity as zodiac change story goes viral". Minneapolis Star-Tribune, January 14, 2011