UnNews:Zimbabwe's Mugabe claims to have won the Euro 2008 championship
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Zimbabwe's Mugabe claims to have won the Euro 2008 championship
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 03:25:UTC)(
29 June 2008
Harare, Zimbabwe -- Shortly after being inaugurated to his 5th term as "Dictator Perpetuus" of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe declared that he personally defeated both Germany and Spain to be crowned as victor of the 2008 Euro football championship. The 84-year old leader and football enthusiast claimed to have scored a record-breaking 20 goals in the final match. Officials results show Spain beating Germany 1-0.
Perplexed UEFA officials disputed Mr. Mugabe's claims, saying that his country didn't participate in the tournament because "it's not even on the European continent." Mugabe dismissed such allegations as "western propaganda," and asserted that "because Europeans colonized Africa in the past, Africa now deserves to participate in Europe's sporting events."
Zimbabwe television aired footage of the supposed championship match in which Mugabe prevailed. The crudely photoshopped video appeared to show scenes from historical soccer games, with Mugabe's face superimposed on various players' heads. Some footage also included Reserve Bank Governor Gideon Gono taking some penalty shots. The government's mouthpiece newspaper, the Zimbabwe Herald, featured a front-page photograph of Mugabe hitting the ball with his head for a supposed goal.
Mr. Mugabe said that he will not rest on his laurels and is already preparing for the 2010 World Cup, as well as the Beijing Olympics. One ZANU-PF supporter claimed that "Mugabe is the best gymnast in the world" and implied that anyone denying that would be severely beaten. A parade in honor of Mugabe's victory was scheduled for Monday in both Harare and Bulawayo, with war veterans and ZANU-PF youth employed to ensure everyone attends.
In honor of the tremendous victory, all people employed in the sports industry are being given a 1000% raise by the government. The Reserve Bank is planning on introducing higher denomination bills to accommodate the pay raises, including a special 1 trillion dollar "sport cheque" to accompany the already deployed but now worthless "agro cheques."
- Barnaby Chesterman "Spain end 44-year title drought, beat Germany in Euro 2008". AFP, June 29, 2008